2007 NFL Season Preview
AFC East Miami Dolphins - Dolphins Scour Super Markets Around The Country Looking For Their Next Quarterback After Trent Green Gets Hurt - Nick Saban Named Smartest Man In The World After Dolphins First Week Of Training Camp - Ted Ginn Jr. Takes A Salary Cut By Leaving Ohio State And Signing With Miami Buffalo Bills - Marv Levy Tells Bill Walsh, “See You Soon” - Bills Fans Miss (Wide Right) The Good Old Days Of Scott Norwood - Peerless Price To Change His First Name To “Not Worth The” New York Jets - Coach Eric Man-gina Sidelined With A Yeast Infection - Jets’ Quarterback To Star in Political Satire/Porn Movie “The Hanging Chad” - Low Self Esteem Of Jets Fans Comes From Playing In A Stadium Named For Another Team New England Patriots - Bill Belichick Disappointed To Learn He Was Acquiring Players On His Real Team And Not His Fantasy Team - Tom Jackson Still Thinks The Patriots Hate Their Coach - Jimmy Fund Finds Cure For Cancer By Removing Randy Moss From The Patriots NFC East Dallas Cowboys - Terrell Owens Knows Exactly How Owen Wilson Is Feeling - Tony Romo Blames His Playoff Fumble On Running His Hands Through Jerry Jones’ Hair - Impoverished Pregnant Woman Thanks Former Coach Bill Parcells For Donating His Pants To The Salvation Army New York Giants - Tiki Barber Hurts His Back Throwing His Former Team Under The Bus - Archie Manning Swears Eli Was Adopted - Exclusive Report: Tom Coughlin Would Have Made A Great Nazi Washington Redskins - Sunburned People Join Indians Crusade In Trying To Get Washington To Change Their Name - Skins Fans Wish Joe Gibbs Would Go Back To Racing Full Time - Senator Larry E. Craig Gets Redskin Season Tickets In Hopes Of Hooking Up With One Of The Hoggettes Philadelphia Eagles - Andy Reid Wishes His Son Would Follow Tony Dungy Son’s Lead - Donovan McNabb Goes Gay In Hopes Of Having Same Success Jeff Garcia Had Last Year - NFL Opener Means Only 107 Days Until Eagle Fans Can Boo Santa Again
AFC North Baltimore Ravens - Brian Billick Sick Of Being Insulted By People Who Mix Him Up With Belichick - Steve McNair Proudly Enters His 13th Year Of Proving A Black Quarterback Can’t Win the Big One - Ray Lewis Hasn’t Seen Anyone From Miami Slash And Cut As Well As Willis McGahee Since Him Pittsburgh Steelers - Ben Roethlisberger Only Listens To Bands That Were One Hit Wonders - Troy Polamalu Told No Thanks By Charity “Locks For Love” - Tell-All Book By Willie Parker’s Ex-Wife Proves He Really is “Fast” Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Dog Pound REALLY Looking Forward To Next Time Michael Vick Comes To Town - Brady Quinn Excited To Go From One Fat Former New England Assistant To Another Fat Former New England Assistant - Jamal Lewis Chooses Cleveland In Free Agency Because He Really Likes Their Jails Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Petitions The League To Change Their Name To Steelers, To Better Represent Their Felonious Team - Where Are They Now: Ickey Woods Using Ickey Shuffle As Dealer In Vegas - Bengals Fans Hope Carson Palmer Gets A Dead Man’s Brain To Go Along With The Tendon He Got Last Year NFC North Chicago Bears - Post Super Bowl Letdown? Rex Grossman Worried He Won’t Be Able To Throw As Many Interceptions - Tank Johnson Suspended For Another Season After Bringing His Gun To Roger Goodell’s Office - Brian Urlacher Demands A Trade, Just So He Can Lineup Against The Bears' Offense Detroit Lions - Lions Add University Of Michigan To Their Schedule To Ensure They Win At Least One Game This Year - Matt Millen Disappointed To Learn He Can’t Start 6 Wide Receivers - Lions Fans Still Holding Out Hope Barry Sanders Will Come Back Or That The NFL Will Go On Strike Again Green Bay Packers - Brett Favre Runs Out Of Family Members Willing To Die To Inspire Him To Play Well - Lambeau Field Demands A Trade To A Better Team - AJ Hawk Looks Forward To Playing The Cleveland Browns So He Can Tell Brady Quinn His Sister Is An Awful Lay Minnesota Vikings - Vikings Bring Back Tailgating In Hopes Drunk Fans Won’t Realize How Much They Suck - Historians Debate What Will Be The Greater Collapse: The Bridge in Minnesota Or The 2007 Vikings - Minnesota Blames Bad Defense On Extinction Of Purple People To Eat
AFC South Jacksonville Jaguars - Maurice Jones-Drew Forced To Gain Weight During The Offseason In Order To Fit His Whole Name On His Back - Jack Del Rio Favored To Win Lumberjack Games With His “Keep Chopping Wood” Philosophy - After Cutting Byron Leftwich, Jaguars Disappointed To Learn David Garrard Is Also Black Tennessee Titans - Titans Hope To Avoid Madden Curse By Forcing All Players To Only Play NFL 2K8 - From Backup To Starter: Kerry Collins Named To All NFL Drunk Team - Titans Celebrate First Practice Without A Fight By Watching UFC 75 Houston Texans - Texans Still Don’t Know Where Reggie Bush Or Vince Young Would Fit In - Houston Has A New Carr At Quarterback, This Ones A Schaub - Texans Change Name Back To Oilers, Blame the Increase In Season Ticket Prices On Rising Oil Costs Indianapolis Colts - Peyton Manning Still The Funniest Person On Saturday Night Live - NFL Officials Scrambling To Make New Rules To Help The Colts Defend Their Title - Former Buckeye Anthony Gonzalez Having Difficulty Not Referring To His Team As “The Indianapolis Colts” NFC South Carolina Panthers - Jake Delhomme Still Waiting To Become The Next Tom Brady - Carolina Panthers Used In Congressional Probe Of Steroids As Example Of How They Don’t Work - Panthers Draft A Guy Named Jarrett In Hopes Of Finally Appealing To Their NASCAR Fan Base Tampa Bay Buccaneers - John Gruden Reveals He Makes That Face Because He Hasn’t Crapped in Years - Buccaneer Fans Hope Their Season Will Be As Successful As The Devil Rays - Tampa Willing To Trade Chris Simms For Phil Simms Atlanta Falcons - New Quarterback Joey Harrington Looking To Get Into the World of Cock Fighting In Order To Fit In With His Teammates - Falcons Front Office Excited That Michael Vick Controversy Will Overshadow the Fact That They Suck - OJ Simpson Invites Michael Vick Golfing In Hopes of Finding Who Killed All Those Dogs New Orleans Saints - Reggie Bush Looking Forward to Smoking Weed With Ricky Williams - Drew Brees Selected For Next Season of “Celebrity Mole” - Hotels.com Rates Louisiana Superdome ½ Stars
AFC WEST San Diego Chargers - Chargers Desperately Seeking A New Excuse For Their Playoff Failures Now That Marty Schottenheimer Is Gone - Obviously You Can’t: Shawn Merriman And His “Lights Out Dance” Kicked Off Reality Show “So You Think You Can Dance” - LaDainian Tomlinson To Market New Wine Made From Last Season’s Sour Grapes Following the Patriots Playoff Game Oakland Raiders - Jerry Porter Promises to Wait Until Week 3 To Quit On His Team This Year - JaMarcus Russell Begs NCAA Officials to Let Him Go Back to College, Just to Avoid Having to Sign With the Raiders - Raiders’ Front Office Looking Forward to Boat Trips Planned By Dante Culpepper Denver Broncos - Jay Cutler Hopes Offensive Line Blocks Opposition As Well As Corner Backs Block Bullets - Travis Henry Provides 5 Years Of Fourballs Material By Admitting To Having 9 Kids By 9 Different Women In Four Different States - Travis Henry Jab #1: Travis Henry Looks To Have Two More Kids To Complete His Football Team Kansas City Chiefs - Priest Holmes To Change His Name After Being Accused Of Being A Pedophile - Larry Johnson Thinks College Coach Joe Paterno Was A Genius After Sitting Through Meetings With Herm Edwards - Experts Agree Damon Huard Would Make A Mediocre Backup On A Bad Team NFC West Seattle Seahawks - Exclusive Report: Matt Hasselbeck Better Than Tim Hasselbeck, But Still Has An Uglier Wife - Shaun Alexander’s Toe Sore From Years of Putting His Foot In His Mouth - Now That Bill Parcells Has Retired, Mike Holmgren Excited to Be the Fattest Coach In the NFL Saint Louis Rams - No Longer Fast, Rams Decide to Move to Australia to Become Greatest Show on Perth - Marshall Faulk Hoping to Follow Eric Dickerson: Great Ram Running Back to Marble Mouthed Sideline Reporter - 80-Year-Old Rams’ Owner Georgia Frontiere Still Hotter Than Former Ram Kurt Warner’s Wife Arizona Cardinals - Cardinals Hope to Get As Much Out of Edgerrin James As They Got From Emmitt Smith - Matt Leinart Insists His Next Contract Include A Clause That Allows Him to Hand Select the Cheerleaders - NFL Experts Liken Being Named One of the Best Teams in the NFC West To Being Named the Thinnest Girl At Fat Camp San Francisco 49ers - Revealed: 49er Actually Is A Name for A Gay Version of the 69  - Mike Nolan Proves the Old Saying “Dress For Success” Wrong - 49er’s Front Office Pissed Off To Hear That Balco Was Just Down the Street
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