2007 NFL Draft Preview
Who knows what’s going to happen in this weekend’s NFL Draft?  Mel Kiper sure doesn’t know, then again, neither do we.  But Fourballs.com is proud to present what SHOULD happen in the upcoming NFL Draft:
1. Oakland Raiders – Draft a new fan base, one that doesn't use home games as an excuse to dress up like their favorite bad guy from the cult classic Mad Max. 2. Detroit Lions – Select a wide receiver in the first round for the 4th time in the last 5 years. This should be quickly followed by a gun in the 2nd round for Lions fans to put to their heads. 3. Cleveland Browns - To tell you the truth, we forgot Cleveland still even had a team in the NFL. Can you really blame us? 4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - The only way they'll get any mileage out of Cadillac this season is if the Bucs draft a tow truck.   5. Arizona Cardinals - Pick up some hot blondes off the campus of the University of Southern California in the early rounds. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what made Matt Leinart great. 6. Washington Redskins - Skins' should consider drafting a shiny new racing car, it seems to be the only thing Joe Gibbs is capable of having success with these days.   7. Minnesota Vikings - Our hearts just aren't into making fun of this team since coach Mike Tice was fired. We wish they'd just go on a cruise again, everyone would feel a lot better. 8. Houston Texans – A redo of the 2006 NFL Draft so they can finally get it right and take Reggie Bush
9. Miami Dolphins - Someone that can reach back and take out the knife Nick Saban left in their backs.   10. Atlanta Falcons – Valtrex for Michael Vick to make him virtually outbreak free. 11. San Francisco 49ers - Better Personal Trainers for the team.  Right around the corner from BALCO and they haven’t made the playoffs in five years?  Someone isn’t doing their job. 12. Buffalo Bills - Barbaro, the horse.  They healed up Willis McGahee then traded him to the Ravens. Maybe they can do the same for…oh wait, Barbaro’s dead?  Well, so is Marv Levy, that shouldn’t stop the Bills. 13. St. Louis Rams - A personality, because since the Greatest Show on Turf got old and fell apart this team has completely lacked one. 14. Carolina Panthers - A Neil O’Donnell Throwback Jersey for Jake Delhomme, so that the second worst quarterback to start in a Super Bowl, can wear the shirt of the worst quarterback to start in a Super Bowl. 15. Pittsburgh Steelers – Bubble wrap and scotch tape to wrap Ben Roethlisberger in during the offseason. 16. Green Bay Packers – A pasture, to put Brett Favre in, forever.
17. Jacksonville Jaguars - A natural disaster like the one in New Orleans, so that maybe the fans will finally give a crap about this team. 18. Cincinnati Bengals – A warden. If you can’t bring all the Bengals to jail, bring the jail to the Bengals. 19. Tennessee Titans – Donovan McNabb and Akili Smith’s autobiographies so that Vince Young can learn that it’s better to be a black drop back passer, than a black scrambling quarterback. 20. New York Giants – A redo of the 2004 draft when they traded Phillip Rivers and 3 picks to the Chargers for Eli Manning 21. Denver Broncos – The wrong directions to the NFL draft room for Mike Shannahan, to avoid any more boneheaded picks like Maurice Clarett. 22. Dallas Cowboys – Some "Stick ‘Em" for Tony Romo’s hands. 23. Kansas City Chiefs - A personal medical staff for Trent Green, must be ready by Week 1. 24. New England Patriots (from Seattle) - A hot unmarried secretary at Gillette Stadium so that Belichick can lose the ugly married chick once and for all.
25. New York Jets - Sanjaya.  Just so that San-gina can be coached by Man-gina 26. Philadelphia Eagles - A sense of irony.  A city that exemplifies very little of it’s nickname of Brotherly Love (Philadelphia) had a QB last year that was allegedly into brotherly love (Garcia) and no one picked up on this? 27. New Orleans Saints - It would be pretty classless to wish another hurricane on this city, but the truth is America's memory is pretty short and this team missed taking advantage of its window of national sympathy last season. 28. New England Patriots  – A contraceptive for Tom Brady.  One baby is enough. A rumored second baby is ridiculous. Wrap it up Tom. 29. Baltimore Ravens - Someone to tell Ray Lewis that he has lost a step, and to take the severe beating that is going to come from him after you tell him this. 30. San Diego Chargers – A patent for Shawn Merriman’s dance, so that no one else tries to do it next year. 31. Chicago Bears – A gun permit for Tank Johnson, just so it’s legal next time. 32. Indianapolis Colts – All the Super Bowl XLI Memorabilia left on the shelves. It’s going to be a long time until they win another one.
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