2006 Sports Predictions
	January 27th - Iron Mike Tyson reaquires taste for blood....and ears February 4th - Doug Flutie retires from NFL to join Pro Tennis Tour, wants to be first tennis player to use a wooden racket in 24 years February 10th - Danica Patrick announces she is actually Mia Hamm  February 17th - Canada’s Todd Bertuzzi creates an international incident when he attacks Slovakia forward Michael Handzus with his skate blade in Olympic game  February 21st - Pedro Martinez shows up for Spring Training a week late. Uses “Dead Grandmother” excuse for record 5th time  March 1st - Bill Parcells quits coaching to concentrate on StarKist endorsement career March 4th - World Series Redux? Red Sox add CF Tony Armas and SS Spike Owen to 40-man roster March 24th - Mario Lemieux stubs toe, calls it a career April 2nd - Milton Bradley throws chair into stands during fifth inning of Oakland’s home opener April 3rd - Marlins already playing for "next year" April 5th - Mark Prior placed on 60-day DL after piano falls on his pitching arm April 19th – Marlins sell off ball bag, the final remnant of 2003 championship team April 20th - Manny Ramirez misses team workout April 21st - Manny Ramirez tests positive for marijuana April 23rd - Arizona Cardinals draft Archie Manning's frozen sperm, name him (or her) starter in 2027 April 30th - Blue Jays enjoy final day in first place of AL East May 3rd – Bengals’ receiver Chad Johnson does victory dance after successfully changing a light bulb in his kitchen May 15th - Dick Vermeil still crying from career-ending press conference May 31st - Pirates improve to 10-40 as Oliver Perez wins his 10th game of the season June 10th - Bartolo Colon ok after comebacker hits him in double chin June 15th - Minnesota Vikings' Player Cruise II "just not as much fun" June 17th – US Soccer angered as Italy runs up the score in a 3-0 World Cup victory June 18th - Tiger Woods plays US Open blindfolded, lefthanded, wins tournament by 5 strokes July 4th - Michael Irvin videotaped smoking crack, swears it was his first time July 10th - Anika Sorenstam has secret operation to be “more like the other women” August 1st-3rd – Rangers’ manager Buck Showalter throws three game series against Red Sox just to piss off Yankees August 9th - Terrell Owens releases driveway workout video August 15th - "Bush" #5 USC jersey banned from Carolina Panthers' cheerleader camp August 23rd - Rafael Palmeiro opens "Raffy's 'Roids" in Tijuana, Mexico September 1st – Red Sox fans still holding out hope that Theo will return to team September 2nd - Marlins break double-digit win barrier September 17th – “Defending Champion Chicago White Sox” still doesn’t sound right September 27th - Braves clinch 16th consecutive first round playoff loss October 2nd - Yankee team doctor prescribes inhaler for A-Rod October 5th - Tom Brady tells reporter he’s sick of being compared to the less-talented Joe Montana October 10th - Johnny Damon to spend offseason playing Judas in Broadway version of "Jesus Christ Superstar" October 15th – Arizona Cardinals playing so badly that Kurt Warner loses faith in God October 21st - Matt Leinart spotted still hanging around on USC campus November 2nd - TV sweeps week dominated by "Drinking with the Stars, Featuring David Wells and John Daly" November 11th – Michael Strahan returns favor by intercepting a Brett Favre pass, giving the legendary QB the NFL record for career INT’s. November 18th - Jon Gruden, not heeding his mother’s warnings, scrunches face, has it freeze that way November 25th – Steve McNair stubs toe, calls it a career December 10th - Ron Mexico happily announces his herpes have gone into remission December 14th - Ron Artest's rap album finally sells first copy
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