2007 Sports Predictions
	February 4th - Peyton Manning spends Super Bowl Sunday watching the 15 new commercials he’s starring in on his new 60” plasma TV. February 12th - Wayne Gretzky gets fed up with his Coyotes players, suits up for game himself and scores 4 goals en route to 5-4 loss to San Jose. Feburary 20th - Cincinnati Bengals' DE Bryan Robinson arrested on drunk driving charges. February 25th - One week after their All Star Game, the NBA cancels the rest of the season after 14 teams report that their star player still hasn’t returned from Las Vegas. March 9th - Reds place Ken Griffey, Jr on DL after he develops tendonitis running out a routine grounder in a Spring Training game. March 21st – Dick Vitale calls himself a “Diaper Dandy” during a March Madness game after admitting that he no longer has control of his bladder. March 30th - Brady Quinn, realizing Raiders will draft him first overall, decides to return to Notre Dame as a 5th-year red shirt. April 1st - Red Sox realize on Opening Day that they have signed “Dice Clay”. April 5th - Cincinnati Bengals' OT Willie Anderson arrested on weapons possession charges April 14th – Cubs outfielder Alfonso Soriano and first basemen Derek Lee both out for the season after injuring their arms while arm wrestling, effectively ending the Cubs season. April 27th – Detroit Lions' GM Matt Millen oversleeps the morning of the NFL Draft claiming he hasn’t slept in weeks over the excitement of drafting a wide receiver in the first round. May 5th – Ozzie Guillen fired as White Sox manager, moves to Toronto to heckle Frank Thomas full-time. May 12th - Royals Realize Gil Meche not the missing piece of their World Series puzzle. May 16th - Tiger Woods declared white on 2007 census. May 27th -  Marv Albert Celebrates his 10th “Forced Sodomy and Head-Biting”-free year. June 1st – Roger Clemens announces that he is going to finish his career where it started, agreeing to pitch for the Texas Longhorns in the College World Series. June 9th – Phil Mickelson bows out of the US Open to breast feed Tiger Woods’ new baby, leaving Elin free to celebrate Tiger’s upcoming victory June 13th - Scientists discover 13th rib after Ken Griffey, Jr. breaks his. June 23rd - Cincinnati Bengals' K Shayne Graham arrested on racketeering charges. July 4th – After going 0-15 with 5 errors in a four-game series with the Texas Rangers, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez declares himself ready for the playoffs. July 13th - Mike Tyson wins Fox's “Biting with the Stars”. July 15th - Packers take Brett Favre out behind the barn and put him down after he refuses to retire for a record 6th-straight year. July 18th – Steelers' QB Ben Roethlisberger successfully undergoes his 5th off-season surgery. July 30th - Barry Bonds becomes baseball's all-time homerun queen. August 3rd - Duke declares tuition must be paid in ‘stripper singles’. August 15th - Red Sox offer the country of Japan $690 million for the rights to Mt. Fuji. August 30th – NFL announces that the Cincinnati Bengals will play every game of the upcoming season at home so that all of their players can avoid violating their parole by leaving the state. September 12th - Derek Jeter releases ‘Park’ a perfume for women. September 20th - LT sues John Madden for future medical bills after being put on cover of Madden ‘08. September 30th - Cubs celebrate 99th-straight World Series-less season. October 3rd – St. Louis Cardinals prepared to defend their crown after finishing 79-83  October 8th – NHL enters fourth season of lockout, fans wonder if it will ever return. October 23rd – New York Giants’ Head Coach Charlie Weiss squares off against Dallas Cowboys’ Head Coach Bill Parcells in FUPA Bowl I. October 27th - Cincinnati Bengals' center Rich Braham arrested for serving alcohol to minors. November 3rd - The last of Pat Robertson's predictions proves false, God laughs at his expense. November 12th - Your girlfriend/fiance/wife reminds you that she will fuck Tom Brady if given the chance. November 26th - Cincinnati Bengals' WR Chad Johnson arrested on burglary charges. December 6th - Ron Mexico celebrates full year of herpes remission. December 24th – Miami County Deputy Sheriff Shaquille O’Neal arrests a mall Santa Claus for looking a little too much like Kobe Bryant.
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