2006 NFL Season Preview
AFC East New England Patriots – A talented team and they don’t even have to make up a reason to have a chip on their shoulder this time. The Pats look to avenge their playoff loss to Denver in a big Week 3 rematch with them in Foxboro.  I could see the Patriots playing pretty far into the postseason this year…and losing on a missed field goal in the snow by kicker Stephen Gostkowski. Miami Dolphins – The Fins are probably the most unpredictable team in the league going into this season. Many feel they will give the Patriots a run for the AFC East title. You know their defense is always going to be tough.  The fortunate thing for the Dolphins is that they signed Daunte Culpepper at quarterback. The unfortunate thing for the Dolphins is that they signed Daunte Culpepper at quarterback. Buffalo Bills – Marv Levy has returned to try to lead the Bills franchise back to the promised-land, back to the glory days of crushing Superbowl defeats. I’ll bet they really missed him in western New York.  The only reason I can come up with for JP Losman being a starting quarterback in the NFL is that the Bills’ backup is Kelly Holcomb.  Eh, cheer up Buffalo, at least you’re not the Jets.  Which brings us to… New York Jets – There will come a point, maybe not this year, maybe not next year, but someday, when the other 31 teams in the National Football League feel so sorry for the Jets that they will waive the salary cap for them. I’m pretty sure the guy in the Jets’ fireman’s hat will give up on them long before that though.  I-GIVE-UP-NOW NOW-NOW-NOW. Eric Mangini knows the Patriots’ playbook inside and out but Stephen Gostkowski will still be more effective in shutting down a Patriots drive than him. AFC North Cincinnati Bengals – Fourballs would like to give the Rock’s new movie “Gridiron Gang” two balls up. And if you did not already know, the film is based on the upcoming Bengals season.  Anything less than eleven Oscars from the Academy for the Gang should be considered a slap in the face to everything this heroic bunch of athletes shall achieve between now and the beginning of February.  They’ll at least be a lock for Best Costume Design with those beautiful, yet simple, orange and black uniforms. Pittsburgh Steelers – The defending Superbowl champs will need to get their backup quarterback Charlie Batch plenty of snaps this season or they risk driving young Ben Roethlisberger into the ground. Oops, bad choice of words. We’ll be sure to edit that out later. Baltimore Ravens – Jamal Lewis appears to be healthy after unexplainably walking funny during all of last season. The offseason addition of the always durable Steve McNair shouldn’t give Baltimore fans anything to worry about in the way of injuries at the quarterback position. Nothing at all.  Cleveland Browns – The Browns look ready to do battle in the war that is the National Football League regular season with the return of their soldier, Kellen Winslow, Jr.  Coach Romeo Crennel looks hungry for more than 6 wins, or for 6 more plates of pasta. It’s tough to tell the difference.
AFC South Tennessee -  How does Jeff Fisher still have a job?  This guy has been rumored to be fired for the last 5 years now.  If the Music City Miracle never happened this guy would have been mopping floors at a strip club 3 years ago.  If anything, Fisher should have lost his job if he had any input into the decision to draft Vince Young.  Do they not get the NFL network in Tennessee?  Has anyone in the Titan front office watched Michael Vick the last 4 years?  And Michael Vick is what this guy is going to become if they’re lucky.  Yikes.  Better stock up on the brown paper bags Titan fans. Indianapolis -  I’m going to go out on a limb with this prediction, 13 or 14 wins followed by an early playoff exit.  I won’t bore you with jokes about Peyton Manning choking worse than Tony Dungy’s son blah, blah, blah.  I will however share this observation.  Peyton is a TERRIBLE teammate.  We all know he threw his team under the bus last year after they lost to the Steelers, saying he can’t do everything, so you can’t trust him.  But have you ever though about how frustrating it must be to play on offense with him?  He calls a play in the huddle you get up to the line of scrimmage, he looks this way, he looks that way, he changes the play, maybe he changes it again, who knows.  I don’t even think he knows.  Can you imagine being an offensive lineman who has to stay crouched down like that while some obsessive compulsive choker changes his mind over and over again?  You haven’t had much success doing it your way Peyton, how about you let the offensive coordinator call a play and you run it.  Jacksonville -  Are they still playing football in Jacksonville?  Talk about a city that is just crying for a natural disaster to sweep through and wipe out everything.  Give them a clean slate to start with.  Sitting here right now, I don’t think I can honestly name more than two players on the team.  The only two I can think of are Tony Boselli and Mark Brunnell.  No, I’m only kidding the two players I can name are Byron Leftwich and Fred Taylor, and I don’t think Taylor has been an effective player in the NFL in about ever.  After pulling their roster up on ESPN I know why I only know two names, they are a bunch of nobodies!  So mark it down, this is the team that’s going to win the Super Bowl.  Houston -  It’s not often that a team can pull a three-for with a 1st round draft pick.  But that is just what the Texans did.  Not only did they not draft Reggie Bush (by far the best player in the draft) or Vince Young (local guy who would at least put people in the seats until they realized how lousy he was) they drafted Mario Williams who some pundits are wondering how long it will take for him to make an impact.  To all NFL GM’s, here is a good rule of thumb…always draft someone from a major university (USC, Texas, Michigan, Miami, Florida State).  Williams went to NC State.  Not quite the college football mecca of the world.  Of course, the Texans argued they didn’t draft Bush because they had no where to play him.  Would anyone out there have a tough time benching Domanick Davis or Wali Lundy for Reggie freakin’ Bush?  That’s what I thought. AFC West Denver - How is year two of the Maurice Clarett project working out?  I think Mike Shanahan might be my least favorite person in the entire world.  The word “genius” is all too often thrown around, and never more so than around this clown.  Listen, he won two Super Bowls in a row for one reason, Terrell Davis.  Does Jake Plummer remind anyone else of Brett Favre?  I guess I should preface this by saying I think Brett Favre sucks.  When is everyone going to stop calling these guys “gun slingers” and start calling them what they really are, “guys with good arms who have the brain power and decision making abilities of a squirrel.”  Also, do us all a favor and go back to the orange uniforms.  Those things were sweet.   Kansas City - Anyone else think that Larry Johnson is going to be a bust this year?  You should have to have more than 2,500 yards total in your 3 year career before someone calls you the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Honestly, the only reason that everyone thinks this guy is so great is because all those stupid Fantasy Football Magazines rated him the number one player in the game.  I personally think its propaganda.  Probably started by Herm Edwards who is trying to get people talking about his team as opposed to talking about why the hell the Chiefs gave up a draft pick to get him from the Jets.  The Jets should have had to give the Chiefs a draft pick for taking him.   Oakland - Oakland and Los Angeles are once again embroiled in a controversy over where the Raiders are going to play their home games.  This time however, they aren't fighting to get them, but instead to get rid of them. Things don't look good for this team. I think that each defensive player is on average 43 years old. And Aaron Brooks has looked like Aaron Brooks all pre-season. Raider fans should get used to this line, "With the 1st pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select...." Hopefully it will be better than their Robert Gallery pick a few years back. Funny story, I saw a guy at the Pats vs. Raiders opening night game at Gillette Stadium last year in a Robert Gallery jersey and said, "Jesus man, you must be related to him to wear his shirt." Turns out he was. San Diego - Finally we get a chance to see just how bad the Phillip Rivers pick was!  My prediction is that the Chargers will run the ball roughly 95% of the time and that they won’t pick up a first down throwing the ball until week never.  Antonio Gates is going to be the most under-utilized tight end since Michael Jackson had a party at Never Land Ranch the weekend he swore off banging little boys.  The Chargers should bring back Steve Foley for the only thing he’s good at, blocking bullets.  The guy would be team MVP because I’m sure there will be some shots fired at Marty Schottenheimer before this season is over.
NFC East NY Giants – Tiki Barber should have a good season now that he’s finally learned how to carry the ball like it’s a football and not a greased pig.  But in the end, Eli Manning’s hopes of filling his brother’s and father’s enormous non-ring wearing shoes should continue intact through this season. Dallas – I couldn’t be more sick of hearing about Terrell Owens’ hamstring. The guy almost won a SuperBowl on a broken leg two years ago. Even though he’s clearly an arrogant douche bag, maybe he deserves a little slack on what is typically a slow-healing injury? I am no T.O. fan, but maybe ride him for something we know to be true, like him being an arrogant douche bag. Philadelphia – If McNabb can shake his sports hernia and sports herpes, which apparently are different than the hernia and herpes you and I would get, then the Eagles have a shot in this highly competitive division. Without T.O.’s fake hamstring injuries ruining the team chemistry, Andy Reid could have these guys turning some heads. Outside of Philly that is, hometown fans will still boo the shit out them regardless. Washington – During next year’s preseason look for the Redskins to keep Clinton Portis locked away in an air tight container after his shoulder injury in the first series of plays in their first game.  The only guy worth the value of his contract on the whole team and he goes down making a tackle. Hey Dan, just throw some more money at the team, that’ll fix it. NFC North Chicago - I think there is a decent chance that the Bears defense is going to score more points then their offense this year.  To put it simply the Bears offense stinks.  But, with that said, I still think they are going to win this division.  Any time you play Detroit, Green Bay and Minnesota 6 times a year, you can pretty much pencil in a minimum of 4 or 5 wins.  The NFC North is the National League of the NFL.  Sure someone is going to make the playoffs, but they don’t have a shot in hell.  As a matter of fact, I think a few of the teams in the National League might be able to beat a few of the teams in the NFC North.  Detroit - Sometimes real life says it better than we ever could.  This is from an article on CBS Sportsline. “A Detroit Lions assistant coach was arrested twice in the past two weeks -- once while police say he was driving nude and a week later on suspicion of drunken driving. Police in the Detroit suburb of Dearborn said Joe Cullen, who coaches the team's defensive line, was pulled over Aug. 24 and ticketed on suspicion of indecent and obscene conduct. The ticket does not provide any other information why Cullen allegedly was nude. The Lions said alcohol was involved.” We’ll leave it at that. Green Bay - I have a feeling that the Lambeau Leap is going to become about as rare as a good 4th quarter decision for Brett Favre.  If I remember correctly, they only do the Lambeau Leap after a touch down.  Well, maybe they should start doing it after first downs as well.  It still wouldn’t happen often enough to make people get sick of it. This is a really bad football team.  If Donald Driver and Ahman Green are both healthy this year (and that is a big IF) and if they can both play offense and defense, then maybe this team has a shot.  Actually I’m glad Favre came back this year.  I hope the thing that everyone remembers about him after he retires is that he sucks.  Don’t remember the Super Bowl that Bill Parcels gave him, remember the ill advised, pig headed decisions he made.  But for some reason people love this guy.  Favre must have naked pictures of John Madden kicking around somewhere, either that or Madden really doesn’t know anything about the NFL.  If I were a betting man, which I am, I would say it is probably a combo of the two. Minnesota - How can the Vikings follow up last year?  Just to recap, they dump Randy Moss, a report comes out about Mike Tice’s scalping Super Bowl Tickets, Daunte Culpepper’s love cruise, 75 year old Brad Johnson takes over at quarterback and out of no where, they almost make the playoffs.  What?  How did that happen?  Well they picked right up where they left off.  So far two players, WR Koren Robinson and Safety Dwight Smith have been arrested during training camp.  It just proves that if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.  Two more arrests, maybe a party with a hooker or ten and the Vikes can punch their ticket to the playoffs. A Bengal vs. Viking Super Bowl might be the highlight of my life.  Kind of like one of those prison movies where they have a football team, but this time for real.  How many parole officers do you think would have to attend that game?  Vegas needs to set up a line for this.
NFC South Tampa Bay - This is another team that makes me long for the glory days of their former uniforms.  At least if they had the orange uniforms they’d be fun to watch.  This team isn’t going anywhere, especially with Chris Simms at quarterback.  Maybe they should go find out if Jeff Hostetler has a son and sign him to be the back-up quarterback.  Also, is anyone aware that Mike Alstott is still in the league?  Yeah, I wasn’t either.  Obviously they aren’t testing for steroids in Tampa these days.  At least Alstott won’t have far to go when he retires.  This time next year he’ll be eating dinner at 4:00 each afternoon and playing shuffleboard.  I think there is a pretty good chance that the pirate ship they keep on the sidelines might have a mutiny this year. Carolina - Is there any team that is picked to win more often, and continues to fail and fail each year?  Well, other than the Colts that is.  That’s what this team is, the Colts of the NFC.  Carolina got about 5,000 times more exciting to watch this year when they signed Keyshawn Johnson.  I look forward to him bitching out Jake Delhomme when he continuously throws the ball to Steve Smith.  This team constantly seems to be embroiled in steroid allegations.  It might be a good home for Mike Alstott if he ever leaves the Bucs.  Good news though, only 16 years until Rae Carruth is eligible for parole.  I have a feeling we’ll all still be waiting at least this long for Carolina to finally make it back to the Super Bowl. Atlanta - Ron Mexico, aka Michael Vick is the worst and most over-rated quarterback in the NFL.  For god’s sake he has a career 75.8 QB rating!    I’m not saying that Vick sucks because he’s black, but the only reason that anyone cares about him is because he is black.  This guy could be blue and it still wouldn’t change this herpes spreader into a productive NFL quarterback.  The fact this guy has made 3 Pro Bowls is the reason I’ll never watch that game.  The one redeeming thing about this team is Warrick Dunn, an eternal good guy in the NFL.  I look forward to the press conference with Jim Mora Jr., sometime around November 15th when someone asks him about the playoffs and his voice goes up 5 octaves and he says, “Playoffs?  Playoffs?”  Even he knows this team has no shot. New Orleans - My sleeper team of the year.  Either this team is going to surprise everyone, or they’re going to put everyone to sleep.  It would be great if the people of New Orleans could riot because the Saints won a playoff game instead of because their town was ravaged by a hurricane.  The key to this team is going to be Drew Brees.  If Brees can be effective teams won’t be able to stack nine guys in the box.  Reggie Bush should be the NFL Rookie of the Year, but if Brees lays an egg like he did his first few years in San Diego then Bush will be lucky if he can get out of the backfield.  Also, what happened to the arrogant Joe Horn?  This guy used to fake phone calls and be a total pompous ass.  Lets all pray he can return to form this year.  Maybe this time instead of calling his agent he’ll be calling the Texans and telling them how stupid they were for passing on Reggie Bush. NFC West Seattle – Another 6 automatic wins in a cupcake division will make them look like a threat to return to the Superbowl, but with receivers this mediocre you would think eventually professional football defenses would realize the Seahawks are pretty one-dimensional.  It’s only their job to study game film and pick up on such things. Arizona – I am jumping on the Cardinals bandwagon right now. They have a brand new stadium, they have experienced Dennis Green at the helm, they have Edgerrin James in the back field, and they have young receivers Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin catching passes from…wait, who? I thought he worked at a grocery store? Nevermind, forget everything I just said. San Francisco – This preview would be more fun to write if it were 1996 and not 2006. I could hype up a Steve Young still in the prime of his career. I would probably talk about a receiver core that contains both future hall of famer Jerry Rice and this new kid Terrell Owens who looks like he might be pretty good at catching the ball. But alas it is 2006, and I can’t think of anything nice to say about the current 49ers so I’ll just have to fill this space talking about something else. St. Louis – I’m sure I don’t speak for anyone in Missouri when I say I am going to miss seeing Mike Martz on their sideline.  That look on his face he would always get late in the game when he made some horrible error in judgment that would inevitably blow up in his face was always priceless. Their rookie coach has Mike’s size 3 (kids) shoes to fill and will do it appropriately by going 6-10 this season.
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