Archived Baseball "News"
Archived Baseball "News"

Vernon Wells Reveals Secret To His Success Toronto, ON – Stop the presses, Toronto Blue Jays' outfielder Vernon Wells is good again. After muddling through his last two seasons, Wells is back on top after smoking the Texas Rangers for four home runs during baseball's opening week. Wells' meteoric rise back to the top has prompted some to think that Wells may have found a fountain of youth, while others believe he may have found a Canadian doctor willing to prescribe him HGH. Wells, however, gives credit to another source, a higher power. “Fourballs.com is back!” Wells excitedly told reporters. “The last few years those guys have been on hiatus, and so was I. But they’re back doing their thing, so I’m back doing mine.” Fantasy experts have quickly put Wells back on top of their outfield projections, but warn that his return may be short lived. “We’re still not sold that those fourballs guys are serious about their website again. One of the guys is married, the other guy is dating some chick and the third guy, we don’t even know where he is, only that he still doesn’t have a real job. Stay tuned on this one. Our advice is to sell high.”


















Remy Busted in Prostitution Sting Boston, MA – Red Sox Nation President Jerry Remy, who gained national prominence as the color man for America’s favorite team the Boston Red Sox, is the latest person to be caught on a federal wiretap when he was arranging to meet with a high-priced prostitute at a Fort Myers hotel last month, according to a law enforcement official. The wiretap captured a man identified as Pas Mal, Remy’s alias and tribute to his love of smoking, on a telephone call confirming plans to have a woman travel from Boston to Fort Myers, where he had reserved a hotel room, according to an affidavit filed in federal court in Boston by FBI Agent Matt Nagle. “This was a pretty successful sting,” Nagle told reporters. “We got our man and put an end to this illegal activity. I think this also goes a pretty long way in showing that Boston is so much better than New York. They did the same thing and all they go was a Governor. We got a President in our sting. Yankees suck! Yankees suck!”
















Spring Training Wearing Down The Rays Tampa, FL – The Tampa Bay Rays got the ire of the New York Yankees this week when the Rays' Elliot Johnson barreled over New York catcher Francisco Cervelli, breaking his wrist. The Yankees' Shelley Duncan retaliated on Wednesday when he slid into second base with his spikes raised. Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon who called the play "borderline criminal," vowed that his team would once again retaliate. “This aggression won’t stand. Next time someone on our club hits a ball to the gap, Jeter better make sure he’s no where near second base.” Rays' outfielder Carl Crawford however, can’t wait to put this behind them and move onto the regular season. “Hey man, we take these spring training games way too serious. We’re supposed to be playing two innings and then skipping off to play golf. But we’re fighting instead and trying to win these games? Man, I can’t wait for the regular season to start so that we can stop trying so hard and go back to being a last place team that doesn’t give a crap.”

















Hope Springs Rolls at Yankee Camp Tampa, FL - The Yankees' Grapefruit League campaign began with quite a bang this season as the Bombers went undefeated in their first five games. Capping the hot start was a rain-shortened five-inning perfect game over the Toronto Blue Jays on March 4. Much to the surprise of many was Kai Igawa's part in the pitching gem, which included 13 of 18 pitches thrown for strikes. Igawa stated, through a translator, that he was just focused on trying to throw strikes. When asked what he'd been focused on during his many prior underwhelming performances, Igawa stated in horrifically broken English "Posada crazy ears," referring to the protruding ears of Yankee catcher Jorge Posada. When asked to sum up Igawa's performance, Posada stated "It was (the Japanese pitcher's) best delivery since Joe (former Yankee manager Joe Torre) took him out of a game last year early and sent him on a take-out run. The kung pao he brought back that day was amazing and really, it's not like there was anything for the bullpen to save".
















It's All In the Name New York, NY - Rich "Goose" Gossage wrote the final chapter in his illustrious career this week, when he was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. The election of Gossage, who was a dominating closer throughout the 60's and 70's, does not come as a surprise to fans, however, the real meaning behind his nickname might. Former New York Yankee teammate Graig Nettles told reporters how Gossage originally got his nickname early in the 1978 Season. "Rich was a good guy, and a very affectionate guy. Most guys on the baseball field pat a guy on the butt when he makes a good play, and Rich was no exception." "But Rich took it a little farther, and left his hand on the butt for a couple of seconds more. He'd then give you a little squeeze on one of the cheeks. It made us all as uncomfortable as hell, but that's how he got the name 'Goose'". Womens' rights groups are planning large demonstrations in Cooperstown during induction weekend to protest Gossage's election.



















Dan Duquette Successfully Undergoes Surgery Boston, MA - The holidays were a happy time for many, but not for the Duquette family. While many shared the holidays with friends and family, former Red Sox General Manager Dan Duquette underwent surgery at Massachusetts General Hospital. Doctors at first kept the nature of the surgery under wraps, however Fourballs reporters learned that the emergency procedure was to repair the "shit-eating grin" permanently attached to his face. Duquette who lives in Dalton, Massachusetts, reportedly went missing in late December shortly after the George Mitchell report was released. He was found three days later outside of Fenway Park by law enforcement agents on a street corner. Duquette was reportedly stinking drunk and disoriented. The only words he would say were "twilight of his career" over and over again. The surgery, performed by Dr. Arthur Papas, was deemed a success. The "shit-eating grin" was removed however Duqette's wife says that one month later, her husband still faces a long road to recovery. "The other night we found him wandering the house late and night mumbling that same damn phrase again and laughing to himself. I just want my husband back."



















Alex Rodriguez Hopes To Accessorize With the Dodgers Los Angeles, CA - Alex Rodriguez made headlines during last week's World Series when Super-Agent Scott Boras announced that the third baseman would opt out of his contract with the New York Yankees, making him a free agent. Rumors immediately began to circulate about where ARod would land. One of the possibilities thrown about was the Los Angeles Dodgers. Originally, it was believed that Rodriguez's move was based on his desire to play for former Yankee manager and possible new Dodger manager Joe Torre and their deep pockets, however this is not the case. Instead Rodriguez's desire to join the Dodgers has more to do with his attempt to fully accessorize his look. "My image is important to me", Rodriguez said. "Opting out of my deal with the Yankees wasn't about the money or the direction of the team, about my overall appearance." Rodriguez, who has been named one of the best dressed athletes by numerous publications believes a move to the Dodgers would take one of his worst attributes and make it one of his best. "For as long as I can remember I've been trying to hide my blue lips. People have made fun of me for years. They totally clashed with the Yankee uniform, but I truly believe they would blend in perfectly with the Dodger Blue. Instead of making fun of me, people would just think I'm really dedicated to being a Dodger." Scott Spiezio and his Cardinal Red beard could not be reached for comment.




















Zumaya Takes Awards Way Too Seriously Detroit, MI - Detroit Tigers reliever Joel Zumaya is expected to be sidelined until midseason after injuring his throwing shoulder during the California wildfires. Zumaya, who finished in the top 5 in voting for the 2006 Rolaids AL Fireman of the Year award, apparently took last year's award literally, and believed that he could really put out fires. "I totally thought I was qualified to put out the fire", Zumaya said. "It's what I'm known for. They call down to the bullpen and I come in and put the fire out. I thought I could do the same thing to the wildfires." Zumaya, whose 100-mph fastballs helped Detroit reach the 2006 World Series, will need to rest his shoulder for six weeks. He is not expected to begin a throwing program until March. Zumaya blames Rolaids for misleading him. "That's a dumb name for the award. What do they give real fire fighters, Relief Pitcher of the Year Awards? I hold them responsible for my stupidity."

















Taco Bell Finds Advertising Space in Pitcher's Hosery Boston, MA - Red Sox' pitcher Curt Schilling loves the spotlight, and never misses a chance to use it to broadcast his thoughts. His impressive postseason performances have made him the center of attention each time he takes the mound in October. As a result, the veteran hurler has a show on AM radio, a personal blog, and the ear of sports writers throughout New England. However, Schilling received negative attention following the 2007 regular season after he showed up overweight to spring training and posted a mediocre 9-8 record. Said Schilling, "What do I have to do to get your attention? Ive already 'bled' for you". That comment caught the ear of Taco Bell owner Sid Farcus. After hearing Schilling's appeal for sympathy, the taco mogul decided to sign another lucrative contract with Major League Baseball. Said Farcus, "After Curt Schilling poured ketchup on his sock during the 2004 ALCS hamburger sales soared. We have payed Mr. Schilling $13 million over the next 3 years for the exclusive rights to his postseason socks. So next year if you happen to see a spot on Curt's sock, ask yourself....is it spicy or mild?"



















Boston Hotels Try To Help Red Sox Advance Boston, MA - Thursday night the Boston Red Sox prevailed 7-1 over the Cleveland Indians in Game 5 of the ALCS, bringing the series back to Boston. It appears as though the Red Sox will have more than just the fans on their side when they square off against the Indians in Game 6 on Saturday. The Boston Hilton, which the Indians will call home for the upcoming weekend, announced that the beds the Indians will sleep in have been infected with the deadly disease Small Pox. Hotel Manager Paul Rand described his hotel's controversial decision. "When the settlers found the United States back in the day they found a bunch of Indians. They quickly discovered the best way to get rid of them was to give them blankets infected with diseases. We're following their lead and once again trying to help exterminate the Indians." It appears as though all is fair in the ALCS. The Commissioners office declared the Boston hotel's drasic measure within the rules after the Indians called on another old time plague of insect infestation when they eliminated the Yankees in the ALDS.


















New Era to Introduce Line of Rally Caps Buffalo, NY - No late-inning lead will be safe next baseball season as the New Era Cap Company recently announced plans to introduce a line of rally caps nationwide. No exact date has been set for their release, only that they will be ready in time for the holidays. "Look in the crowd late in the game when the home team is losing and what do you see?" asked New Era spokesman Brad Weinstein. "Well besides for people heading for the exits, you see fans wearing their regular hats inside-out and backwards." "The ninth inning represents a whole niche market in the world of hats that thus far has been untapped. We hope to take advatnage of this niche. Our goal is to get fans to root for their favorite teams to rally in other innings too." New Era also announced that the company is the process of developing a whole line of rally accessories, including jersey, t-shirts, shorts, and undergarments.

















Phillies Confused by an Opponent Who is Actually Trying to Win Philadelphia, PA - The Colorado Rockies shocked the baseball world on Wednesday by dropping the Phillies 4-2 in Game 1 of their National League Divisional Series. Few gave the Rockies much of a chance entering the the game after their exhausting extra-inning win on Monday night over the San Diego Padres which they needed just to get into the playoffs. But perhaps no one was more surprised by the Wild Card Rockies' victory than the Phillies themselves. "It was strange, right away you could tell they weren't going to let us win," said a confused Aaron Rowand, the Phillies' centerfielder. "They were hitting well, Jeff Francis was throwing hard, and they weren't making any errors in the field. After the division race we had with the Mets these past few weeks, we're not used to seeing the other team try to win. It's a little unsettling to be perfectly honest." Game 2 is scheduled for Thursday afternoon, also in Philadelphia. The Rockies have won 15 of their last 16 games overall.



















Milwaukee Brewers Have Herd of Goats Delivered to Wrigley Field Chicago, IL - The Milwaukee Brewers may be sitting at home this October watching the playoffs on TV, but their misfortune in the hunt for the division this season has certainly not left them bitter. In a display of good ol' rural courtesy and charm, the Brewers organization on Wednesday sent a herd of goats to the Chicago Cubs to congratulate them on winning the 2007 NL Central Division title. "We're just traditional countryfolk here in Milwaukee," said Jake Becker, the Brewers' Director of Baseball Operations. "We were proud of the season we had but they had a better one and we wanted to let them know we appreciate the competition. That's why we had a dozen billy goats sent to them. It's what any polite midwesterner would do." While Cubs players' and most team administrators were in Arizona for the start of their playoff series with the Diamondbacks, the personnel that were on hand at Wrigley Field to receive the shipment were all visibly stunned by the act of good will.
















Jerry Remy Makes Jump to Late-Night Infomercials Boston, MA - NESN broadcaster Jerry Remy, known affectionately by Red Sox Nation as the "RemDawg", announced Tuesday his new role as spokesman for American Recreational Properties. The former secondbaseman joins 70's TV-star Erik Estrada, giving ARP a veritable all-star lineup of celebrities in their infomercial arsenal. Remy appeared confident his new responsibilities selling timeshares on late-night television would not interfere with his covering of the Red Sox. "Folks in addition to watching great Red Sox action on NESN, doing your banking at Sovereign, the official bank of the Boston Red Sox, and booking your vacations through the Vacation Outlet, now you too can own property in great locations across the country." Remy also took the opportunity with Tuesday's announcement to express his interest in branching out to even more NESN programing, including providing color commentatary for Boston Bruins telecasts and making an appear in an upcoming epsiode of Charlie Moore, the Mad Fisherman.


















George Steinbrenner Asks MLB to Move L.A. Angels to the National League Bronx, NY - The most powerful owner in baseball has spoken, and his words are calling for another realignment of the league's teams. On Wednesday, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner made a formal request to Major League Baseball that the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim be moved to the National League, effective immediately. The proposal was no doubt brought about by the Yankees' inability to beat the Angels in recent years. Since 2002, Anaheim/LA is the only American League team to have a winning record against the Bombers, and have eliminated them in the playoffs twice. But Steinbrenner denied any link between his request and his team's troubles. "This is in their best interest," said Steinbrenner. "Look at all the National League teams in that area of the country. With gas prices as high as they are, think of the travel money the Angels will save. I'm just looking out for them." New York is 2-6 against the Los Angeles Angels this season.



















David Trembley Exercises His Right To Job Security Baltimore, MD – Wednesday was the greatest day in Oriole manager David Trembley’s life. It was the day the Orioles' front office announced that he would be back to manage the team for the 2008 season. It was the first time that Trembley had a sense of job security. Trembley celebrated his contract extension by watching his team lose to the Texas Rangers 30-3, and he couldn't have been any happier. “I finally got to manage the way I wanted to. I wasn’t worried that each one of my decisions was being critiqued by the GM. I did what I wanted to do. I wasn’t worried about how a pitcher might pitch or if a batter might hit, I simply managed." Trembley’s new found confidence was never more apparent then during the last four innings on Wednesday when he used only three pitchers despite the fact the Rangers scored 24 runs. Trembley promised more of the same for next year. “I’m going to bring this same approach next year, all year.” Orioles fans however weren’t impressed. Oriole fan Parin Zaveri expressed his concerns. “I saw the score and thought it was the Texans and the Ravens pre-season game. At first I was excited that somehow Steve McNair had led us to a field goal. Then I heard it was the baseball game. I think I might have to become a Nationals fan.”






















Gary Sheffield Claims Injured Shoulder is Racist For Keeping Him Out of Lineup Detroit, MI - The Tigers' must now try to catch division-rival Cleveland down the stretch without the services of their slugger Gary Sheffield. The designated hitter has been sidelined with a sore right shoulder, an ailment which could wind up sending him to the disabled list. Sheffield says the shoulder has been bothering him for over a month, but only recently has it become something he could no longer ignore. "It was giving me problems back in July, but I played through it," Sheffield was quoted as saying. "We're always having to play through stuff like that. Eventually it became a problem I couldn't tune out anymore. My shoulder isn't treating me like a man anymore. If I was white it wouldn't be hurting me and I'd still be playing." Team doctors have not yet established a time line for Sheffield's return, but they are certain he will miss the upcoming series between the Tigers and Yankees. When told of this, Sheffield called the doctors a bunch of racists too.


















God Takes Wrong Scooter As Fox Sports Continues to Explain the Obvious Heaven, NJ - Earlier this week baseball fans across the globe were deeply saddened to learn that Hall of Fame shortstop Phil Rizzuto had passed away. In a rare slip up in heaven this week, Saint Peter has admitted to taking the wrong "Scooter". After watching the MLB Game of the Week on Fox this past Sunday, God expressed his extreme displeasure with "Scooter", Fox's animated talking baseball. Saint Peter, who was watching the game with God, thought he was talking about the former Yankee shortstop, not the annoying know-it-all baseball. "I was just trying to please my boss", Saint Peter said. "He expressed his displeasure with Scooter, so I brought him Scooter." Saint Peter has accepted full responsibility for what has been described by heaven administrators as an awful mistake. Said the Saint, "God had no intention of calling Rizzuto's number yesterday, I got the wrong Scooter." God had this to say about the unfortunate event, "We'll get 'em next time. No one ever bats a thousand in baseball, so I can't expect anymore from Saint Pete. I guess I should be grateful that the other Scooter is still around to teach me that a curveball is a ball that curves, thanks Captain Obvious...I hate that friggen cartoon."



















Red Sox Fans Finally Receive the Help They Need Boston, MA - After weeks of suffering from what has now been diagnosed as bipolar disease, it appears as though Red Sox fans are finally going to get they help they so desperately need. Doctors agreed Thursday morning to inject massive quantities of anti-depressants into the drinking water in the greater Boston area in hopes of stabilizing the psyche of the Nation. The doctors' decision comes on the heels of a week where Sox fans saw their lead over the second place New York Yankees shrink from 6 games, down to 5 games, then to 4 games, then back up to 5 games. The straw hat broke the camels back came Wednesday when the Sox had a chance to gain back another game, but fell just short in the 9th inning against the Devil Rays. Fans are relieved to finally have their sickness recognized and treated. Sox Super-Fan Pat Whalen is one such fan. "It was a tough week. One day I'm walking around on cloud nine, the next day I'm on the Tobin threatening to jump, then the next day I'm taking days off in late October just so I don't miss the World Series Parade, then I'm back up on the Tobin the next day. It got so bad my girlfriend left me, but screw her, she's a Yankee fan anyway." Experts are surprised that this disease is still lingering. Originally it was though that a cure had been found in October 2004, however it's back an this new strain of the disease is proving to be just as dangerous as ever. With the recent mass threats of suicide, doctors knew it was time to act. However, not everyone is pleased to hear that the disease is being treated. Radio Host I.M. Hornay from the local sports radio station had this to say, "I'm worried if they fix everyone then no one will ever call our station again. We need these reactionary morons to call the station. They our the lifeblood of our industry."























Giambi Avoids Steroid Suspension by Openly Doing Steroids New York, NY - In a press conference on Thursday, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced that he would not be banning Yankee first baseman Jason Giambi from any games for his use of illegal steroids. "Well, Jason was up front with us about his past steroids use and we respect his honesty," said Selig. "The reason we ban players is because they try to cover it up. We don't like when people lie to us. Anyone coming forth and admitting they did steroids will not be given a suspension for doing steroids." Within hours of Selig's announcement, outfielders Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield came forth to declare they too had done steroids, as recently as last week. And retired stars Mark McGwire and Rafael Palmeiro have also scheduled meetings with Commissioner Selig next week, most likely to admit to using steroids during their careers.















MLB To Append Barry Bonds Home Run Total San Francisco, CA - Earlier this week, Barry Bonds hit what he thought was his 756th career home run, breaking Hank Aaron's career mark. However, on Thursday, after meeting with commissioner Bud Selig, Bonds learned that this was not the case. Finally answering the cries of baseball purists across the nation, Selig has decided to rule all home runs that Bonds hit while on steroids null and void. Statisticians worked on Friday to adjust Bonds' career total. After looking over the new numbers it appears as thought what Bonds thought was the record breaking home run was really his 665th 'clean' home run, making the 757th he hit the next night his 666th. According to sources in the commissioner's office, Selig is not done. It appears as though for every home run that Bonds hits for the rest of his career, Selig will find a home run to take away. Thus meaning that Barry Bonds will finish his career with 666 home runs. "We struggled to determine which home runs were legitimate and which home runs were added by an illegal substance", Selig said. "So instead of taking a wild stab, we decided to come up with a number that really represents Barry, and stick to that.



















Roger Clemens Defends Hitting Alex Rios New York, NY - Roger Clemens was suspended for five games on Thursday for hitting Alex Rios with a pitch that lead to a bench clearing brawl. The hit by pitch was originally thought to be retribution for Alex Rodriguez who was hit with a pitch two innings earlier. Clemens dispelled this myth while defending his decision to throw at Rios "Rios gave me a smarmy look, the same one that my kid gave me back in Spring Training last year right after he hit the home run off of me in batting practice. So I did what I always do, I drilled him. If you want to blame anyone blame Rios for that look he had on his face, or for looking too much like my kid." When questioned how Clemens could confuse Rios, an African-American with a white kid from Texas, Clemens said dementia is a problem he fights every day, some days worse than others. "I haven't been this confused since that World Series game when I picked up the bat, thought it was the ball, and threw it at Mike Piazza. What can I say, I guess this was just another honest mistake."

















Planets Align For Major League Baseball's Elite Milwaukee, WI - July 31st, 2007 could quite possibly go down as one of the most monumental days in the history of major league baseball. On Tuesday three of the game's top superstars, Tom Glavine, Barry Bonds, and Alex Rodriguez, combined for a feat that many statisiticans believe may never be accomplished again. Pitching in Milwaukee for visiting New York, 21-year veteran Tom Glavine got a no-decision in a 4-2 Mets extra-inning loss. The no-decision was Glavine's 162nd of his career. At the very same time back in New York, Yankees' third baseman Alex Rodriguez went 0-for-5 with five fly outs during a 16-3 rout of the White Sox. Amazingly, later Tuesday night out in Los Angeles, the Giants' Barry Bonds went 0 for 2, marking the first time in history that Glavine got a no decision on the very same day that Bonds and A-Rod went hitless. "For three men that have enjoyed as much success as Tom, Barry, and Alex have for so many years, this is just incredible," said MLB commissioner Bud Selig. "The odds of these things happening all on the same evening is cause for celebration, just when major league baseball needs it most."

















Rickey Henderson Named Mets' Hitting Coach, Immediately Inserts Self At Top of Lineup Flushing Meadows, NY - It is difficult to argue many of the decisions made recently by the front office of the New York Mets. At 48-39, the franchise sits atop the NL East standings and has been there nearly the entire season thus far. But when the team named Rickey Henderson as their hitting coach on Wednesday, the move raised more than a few eyebrows. And it was Henderson's first act as coach that made the critics become vocal. On Thursday morning, Rickey Henderson announced that he would be replacing Jose Reyes as Mets' leadoff hitter in their game that night against the visiting Cincinnati Reds. "Rickey's the best leadoff hitter in the history of the game," said Henderson. "If you have Rickey in uniform, you make Rickey your leadoff hitter." Sports talk radio shows in New York were flooded with calls early Thursday as Mets' fans awoke to learn the news. Team management was lambasted for allowing such a coup to occur, prompting Mets' general manager Omar Minaya to call in and explain. "He had a great interview, sounded excited about moving on to a coaching career. But really we should've seen this coming. We were completely bamboozled."























Jose Canseco Points Steroid Finger at The Simpsons Springfield, USA – Three years after Jose Canseco authored his the controversial book ‘Juiced’, the former MLB slugger still does not think that the Commissioner's Office is doing enough to curb the use of performance enhancing drugs. He hopes that Jason Giambi’s appearance in front of Congress will help end the abuse of HGH and steroids. Canseco however does not believe that is enough. He would like to see the people who he believes brought steroids into Major League Baseball punished. “I was a clean player until I appeared on the Simpsons. The producers of the show were disappointed that I wasn’t hitting the ball far enough. Some guy named Burns who was coaching the team gave me some purple liquid. After that, I was addicted.” The episode in question first aired in 1992. In the episode, power plant owner C. Montgomery Burns enlisted a team full of ringers for his softball team to help him win a bet. “You saw what that stuff did to Griffey in that episode”, Canseco said. “It made his head the size of a watermelon. I’m pretty sure that is why he’s has had all those hamstring injuries the past few years. It ruined him.” Following the episode Canseco claims steroids became the norm in baseball. “Everyone started doing them. Everyone wanted to get a role on that show.”






















Craig Biggio Has No Memory of Reaching Two Milestones in One Game Houston, TX - Craig Biggio, the cornerstone of the Houston Astros for the last two decades, had himself quite a memorable night on Thursday. The secondbaseman reached two career milestones, unfortunately he will never have any memory of his historic game against the visiting Colorado Rockies. Biggio's seventh-inning single gave him 3,000 hits for his career which is now in its twentieth season. He became just the 27th player in major league history to accomplish this feat. But the 41-year-old was not done making history on this night. In the ninth inning Biggio got up again, this time he was hit in the head by a fastball from Rockies' reliever Jeremy Affeldt. The Hit-By-Pitch was the 288th of Biggio's career, making him the all-time leader in this category. The Astros' secondbaseman did not show any ill-effects from the impact, that is until his postgame press conference when it became clear he had no recollection of the night's events. "I'm not really sure what all the hype is about," said Biggio. "I'm not even close to 3,000 hits. I was the Astros' firstbaseman for 15 seasons but I retired before last season. What's all this Craig stuff? Call me Jeff."




















Turn-Back-The-Clock Night Screws Over the Brewers Detroit, MI – The feel good story of the 2007 baseball season has been the low-budget Milwaukee Brewers. The Brewers, who no one thought would compete this year, find themselves alone atop the National League Central as we reach mid-June. However, there is one thing that can stop this year's Brew-Crew, an unscheduled Turn Back the Clock Night. “Before Tuesday night’s game we got word from Mr. Selig that we would have to wear our 2006 uniforms,” first basemen Prince Fielder told reporters. “It was totally unfair. We couldn’t hit for shit in 2006. But they told us they would fine us all if we didn’t wear the right uniforms.” The result? A no hitter by Tigers' pitcher Justin Verlander. Brewer Manager Ned Yost echoed Fielder’s statement. “We fielded like we did in 2006, we pitched like we did in 2006, and we sure as hell hit like we did in 2006. I think it is all part of Bud’s master plan to make the NL Central a lot closer.” The Brewers scrapped their 2006 uniforms and went back to their 2007 version on Wednesday and returned to their winning ways. Last year's NL Central and World Series champion the St. Louis Cardinals are petitioning the Commissioners Office to require all of their remaining games Turn Back the Clock games. At press time there was no word on whether or not their petition would be accepted.


















Clemens Beans Three Yankees During Batting Practice Bronx, NY – Roger Clemens made his big comeback in the house that Ruth built on Saturday, but the big story found Roger pitching batting practice. Clemens hit NY papers when he beaned 3 teammates during a recent session of batting practice. Said Clemens, "Cairo was crowding the plate, and he knows, I gotta intimidate. So I threw him a little chin music. Next pitch he’s back there again. He knows I own the inside of that plate. So I beaned him. That’s what I do. Just ask my sons." Clemens proceeded to hit the next two Yankees to step into the cage in retaliation for Cairo’s actions before a full-on brough-ha-ha broke out on the field. After the game Clemens didn't want to comment further but did mention he would attend fantasy baseball camp next year allowing fans ‘the experience of getting beaned by a future Hall of Famer’s fastball.
















Charmin To Sponsor This Weekend's Giants-Red Sox Series Boston, MA - Baseball's interleague play has been quite popular since its inception in 1997. It has made for many interesting matchups that would not occur during the course of a normal major league schedule. One such pairing will be this weekend's series at Fenway Park between the Boston Red Sox and the visiting San Francisco Giants. This will be the Giants first trip to Boston since the National League's Braves franchise left town in 1952. The biggest story will be the matchup between Giants' slugger Barry Bonds and Red Sox' pitcher Curt Schilling, who earlier this season made negative comments in his blog about Bonds' alleged steroid use. While Schilling has since apologized, the spotlight is still sure to be shown on these two veterans this weekend. To take advantage of the intense public interest, Charmin has signed an agreement with Major League Baseball to sponsor the three-game series which starts on Friday night. In an announcement made Wednesday, Charmin spokesman Chad Bright had this to say. "We at the Charmin Corporation feel a series showcasing the league's two biggest ass holes is the best way to advertise how great our toilet paper really is."




















Scott Erickson Claims He Was First Pitcher to Win Playoff Game With a Bloody Sock Long Beach, CA - Recently-retired pitcher Scott Erickson is most remembered for his performance in the 1991 World Series for the Twins, as well as for a penchant for wearing black socks. Despite no longer playing, Erickson made waves this week whenduring a radio interview he made the claim that he won game six of the '91 World Series with a bloody sock, a full 13 years before Curt Schilling accomplished the miraculous feat. "Everybody gives credit to Curt for doing something courageous that no one else had ever done," said Erickson on KPSB radio. "Back in '91 I nicked my ankle on my coffee table the night before game 6 against Atlanta. I reopened the cut during the game and my sock got all bloody, but nobody knew because the sock was black. Curt's only a hero because he wears white socks." Erickson gave up just 2 runs in 6 innings in Game 6 to help the Twins even the series 3-3, setting up a Game 7 they would go on to win.



















Alex Rodriguez To Opt Out of Contract At Season's End New York, NY – In an exclusive report, Fourballs.com has learned that Alex Rodriguez will opt out of his contract with the New York Yankees at season's end. Rodriguez’s announcement ends months of speculation as to whether or not Rodriguez is crazy enough to opt out of the remaining years of his record 10-year, $250 million contract. Would anyone be willing to raise his annual salary? According to sources, no, Rodriguez will not get a raise. Instead Rodriguez cited improving his quality of life as the reason for making this decision. At seasons end, ARod will sign a 5-year $2,000 contract to play for the Hooters Bar in Toronto. Included in this contract is a lifetime supply of Hooters' famous wings. Rodriguez discussed how his life is going to improve. “As the New York Post showed on the cover of their sports page on Wednesday, I have a new girlfriend. This decision allows me to be closer to her.” It is not yet decided where ARod will bat in the Hooters' lineup, however Hooters' Head Coach Dennis Rock knows what to expect out of ARod. “We already have plans to bench ARod if we make the playoffs. We’ll re-install Dave Millar at shortstop if we qualify for the postseason. I don’t think I could put up with our fans constantly saying ‘Aye, why can’t this guy hit in the playoffs, Aye?”





















Doc Gooden's Medical Degree Called Into Question Tampa, FL - After a bizarre series of events over the past week, friends and family of former major league pitcher Dwight "Doc" Gooden have begun to question the legitamcy of the 42-year-old's medical certification. It started when Gooden and several friends were out to lunch last Friday and someone in the restaurant began choking. Instead of respecting his obligation as a doctor and performing the Heimlich manuver on the victim, Gooden continued calmly eating his sandwich. Then on Sunday at a Memorial Day BBQ, Gooden's young daughter tripped and skimmed her knee on a rock. Friends were shocked to see Gooden place a band aid on the cut without first washing it off or applying pressure to stop the bleeding. "It really made us stop and wonder about Doc," said longtime friend Jack Laidlaw. "For years he's been able to prescribe us whatever drugs we've wanted, legal or otherwise. But after witnessing what I saw this past weekend, well I just don't know what to think anymore."

















Hank Aaron Still Bitter Babe Ruth Didn't Acknowledge His Breaking of the Homerun Record Atlanta, GA - As Barry Bonds chases down history this season, the reigning homerun king, Hank Aaron, is battling his own demons. Aaron has stated publicly that he will refuse to attend the game in which Barry Bonds hits his 756th career homerun, the one that will break Aaron's three-decade-old record. Many believed Aaron did not wish to acknowledge Bonds' pursuit due to the Giants' sluggers' suspected involvement with steroids. But the truth is that Aaron still feels slighted by the man who's record he broke back in 1974. "It hurt a lot not to have the support of the greatest legend our sport has ever seen," said Aaron. "Babe Ruth was no where to be seen when I set the mark and I never forgave him for that. If he didn't acknowledge my feat, why should I give a shit about what Barry's doing?" Bonds currently stands at 745 homeruns, 10 behind Aaron's mark.




















Slammin' Sammy Sosa Slams Breast Cancer Arlington, TX - Sammy Sosa has been accused of many things. Among the allegations against the slugger are steroid use, corking his bat, and being an all-around asshole. However it is his latest offense that has pushed people over the edge and made him public enemy number one. The incident occurred on Sunday, Mother’s Day, when Major League Baseball used pink bats to raise awareness on the fight against breast cancer. Sosa however, took it as a chance to try to cheat once again. Said Sosa, "I would have been berry berry happy to juss use a pink bat, but I wanted to make it even more berry berry special, so I used a 'super' special bat with a super ball in it. I not know I no supposed to use in game. It was juss my batting practice bat." When asked how putting a super ball in his bat would help fight breast cancer, Sosa quickly claimed he did not speak English very well and that he would not talk to reporters unless his interpreter was present.
















Yanks' Boss Pulls Out Checkbook Once Again Bronx, NY - It is now apparent that while Roger Clemens was announcing his comeback outside of George Steinbrenner's personal luxury box, the Boss was still busy writing checks inside. Clemens' whopping $28 million prorated contract had all of baseball buzzing, but what no one knew was that the spending spree had just begun. In a statement released by Big Stein shortly after Clemens' dramatic announcement he said "As I pledged a few days ago, I will do everything within my power to support this team as we fight to bring a 27th championship back to New York." Apparently the Yanks' owner's powers go well beyond signing contracts, as on Wednesday Steinbrenner revealed he has recently funded a $4 billion project aimed at cloning Yankee reliever Mariano Rivera. "He's the most effective closer of all time," said Yanks' GM Brian Cashman. "We just didn't see any suitable replacements on the free agent market or in our own system, so with our revenue streams we looked for other options." The Rivera clone is slated to be ready for after the all-star break, but it remains to be seen if it'll be legal, or if he'll have enough time to learn to throw the cut-fastball.






















Where Are They Now? Billy Ripken Still a Fuck Face Baltimore, MD – Billy Ripken, the light hitting second baseman for the Baltimore Orioles was at the top of the headlines in 1989, not for teaming with his brother and father, or for his shoddy play at second base, but for his 1989 Fleer Baseball Card that was infamously adorned with the words “Fuck Face” on the nub of the bat. The mistake was quickly realized and the card was pulled off the shelves. As everyone knows, older brother Cal continued to play every day and finally ended up in the Hall of Fame, but few know what ever became of Billy who bounced around from team to team until 1998. Fourballs recently caught up with a former teammate and Ripken himself. Former teammate Mike Devereaux says the foul words on the bat could not have been any more accurate, saying everyone hated Billy and that he was a total pill in the clubhouse. ”He walked around like he owned the place. He kept trying to give everyone a bunch of hitting tips and the guy couldn’t hit for shit. Even nowadays, we all get together to play cards and reminisce. Most of the games end with Billy and Joe Orsulak getting into a fight. Ripken is always getting under his skin so we don’t call him anymore.” Ripken however, still doesn’t see how much of a douche he really is/was. “My teammates weren’t busting on me at all, they were just making a reference to the face I make when I have sex, and I was always slaying the bitches, if you know what I mean.” Ripken has been able to carve out a successful post baseball career forging his brother’s signature and selling the autographs on eBay.


























Curt Schilling Accuses Steve Nash of Abusing Anticoagulants Boston MA - The drama surrounding Curt Schilling's bloody sock has had a second breath of life this week. Fourballs.com reporter H.E. Pennypacker was able to obtain the transcript from a Schilling interview in which the Red Sox pitcher criticized Barry Bonds for his alleged steroid use. But after Schilling's 45-minute rant on Bonds, he continued to trash fellow athletes. "And let's not forget that piece of work Steve Nash. He's admitted to taking anticoagulants. C'mon, the bloody playoff inspiration shtick has been done before, pal. Find your own legacy." This reporter would like to point out Mr. Bloody Sock is not one to be casting stones at Nash for ripping him off. Let's not forget, the Mullet was invented north of the border.















Yankees Triple-A Prospect Refuses Call Up Assignment Scranton, PA - Things looked promising for the International League's Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Yankees this season. Full of young talent for the first time in over a decade, the New York Yankees' Triple-A affiliate hoped to make a run for the IL title this season. However, the parent club in the Bronx has suffered a rash of injuries to the pitching staff early in the 2007 campaign, prompting several April call-ups to fill in the gaps. But even some of these emergency starters have been plagued, such as prospect Philip Hughes who went down with a hamstring injury in just his second start. To replace Hughes, the Yankees attempted to call up 26 year-old Matt DeSalvo for a spot start this weekend against Seattle. But DeSalvo refused the assignment, opting to stay with Scranton instead. "I'm not going up there, are you crazy? I'll probably be involved in a freak bullpen cart accident or something. I'd like to stay healthy and not jeopardize my goal of becoming a full time big leaguer someday. Besides, we have a shot at winning and they're in last place." No word yet on who the Yankees will be able to find to replace Hughes in the rotation as several other starters throughout the system have also turned down their requests.




















Julio Franco Hoping to Become Part of First Grandfather-Grandson Combination in Baseball History Flushing Meadows, NY – As the Mets look to continue the great stides they made in reaching the NLCS last season, their first baseman Julio Franco is hoping to make some history of his own. At 48-years-old Julio Franco is one of the oldest players to ever take the field for a major league game. He is constantly asked what his motivation is to stay in shape and continue putting his aging body through the rigors of a 162-game season. Franco admits his love for the game is second on the list and what he's really sticking around for is to play along side grandson Julio Franco, III. "It was clear early on that Julio, Jr. was not going to make it to the major leagues," says Franco, Sr. "He batted just .072 as a ten year old in Little League, so I immediately pulled him out and introduced him to girls." "8 years later Julio III arrived," continued Franco. "He just made his high school varsity team so there is hope. But I am prepared to play another 20 years if he doesn't pan out and I need a Julio, IV."




















From the Fourballs Files: Editorial - Red Sox Sweep Yankees, 1990 is Going to Be the Year! Fourballs dips into the archives again, this time from the last time the Sox swept the Yankees at Fenway Park before this past weekend. Boston, MA (June 7, 1990) – I’m on cloud nine and nothing is going to bring me down. I just got back from the final game of the three game sweep the Red Sox laid on the Yankees this weekend. That’s right, the hated Yankees. I witnessed a pretty cool chant in the 9th inning of today’s game. I stood up in my chair and remarked how much the Yankees suck. A guy behind me caught on and started to chant it over and over again. It got kind of boring and stupid after an hour, but it was amusing nonetheless. But most important of all, I truly believe that this is the year the Sox are going to end 72 years of heartache. Here’s why: There are a few key reasons that this is the Sox’s year. 1. Jeff Reardon – This guy brings sanity to the Sox pen. He got the win in Game 1, by getting the last two outs in the 8th. This guy is money. Most important, he doesn’t kill himself when he’s in the game. A close second goes to Left Fielder Mike Greenwell, who is putting up another All Star Year in a sure to be Hall of Fame Career. 2. Fenway Park Going Out With a Bang – Sox GM Lou Gorman unveiled plans this year to finally knock down Fenway. As I was peeing in the troth following the Game 2 victory I was finally able to unfold my legs from the tight seats on the first base side. Sure my legs felt better now, but the crick in my neck from staring to the hard left for 9 innings was sure to be a problem the next day. Regardless, Fenway is outdated. I’m glad they are finally going to raze the place. It would only be fitting if the Sox won it all the last year there. 3. The Sweep of the Yankees – I predict there are going to be many sweeps just like it in the years to come. Sure they have 22 Championships, but they have a better chance of getting Roger Clemens and Wade Boggs before they win their 23rd. See you in October!





















Fantasia Bronx, NY - Yankees' third baseman Alex Rodriguez is perhaps off to the best offensive start in the history of major league baseball. His stats so far this young season, projected over the course of a full 162-game schedule, would have him hitting 113 home runs with just under 300 RBI's. But some fantasy baseball managers across the country are not so impressed with ARod's numbers. One such manager, Wally Johnston, is frustrated by Rodriguez's one-dimensional attack. "I'm in a rotisserie-style fantasy league, so A-Rod's stats are absolutely killing me. It's such bullshit, he only has one stolen base!" The Yankees themselves are not so keen on Rodriguez's output either, especially his success in the clutch. "We're all hoping this hot streak of ARod's will come to an end very soon," said one anonymous Yankee executive named John Boyle. "We just want to get things back to normal, back when we'd just win a lot of game despite his chokes."


















From the Fourballs Files: Lenny Dykstra Inks Endorsement Deal with Revlon Philadelphia, PA (February 8, 1994) – Cashing in on the national exposure he gained during last October’s World Series, Philadelphia Phillies’ centerfielder Lenny Dykstra signed a major endorsement deal with cosmetic giant Revlon on Tuesday. The contract is reportedly worth a whopping $500,000 over the next three years. Many marketing experts feel Revlon, whose product lines are targeted almost exclusively toward female consumers, is taking a huge risk in making a baseball player with a hard nosed reputation the face of their company. When asked about the decision, Revlon director of marketing Dean Concannon gave this explanation. “We feel that Mr. Dykstra, or ‘Nails’, as he is commonly referred to, was a natural choice to promote our products. We are already working with Lenny on a line of press-ons, polishes, and other nail care accessories.” Dykstra was unavailable for comment on the Revlon agreement as he was reportedly in negotiations with Redman Chewing Tobacco on a similar endorsement deal.



















MLB Inks Deal with OLN Stamford, CT – The president of Outdoor Life Network announced on Thursday that they had signed a record deal with Major League Baseball for exclusive rights to air all games for the next five years. The lucrative deal is the second jewel in OLN’s crown, joining the NHL which signed on with OLN a little over a year ago. While details on the deal are yet to be released, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig discussed the leagues decision to go with OLN. “OLN has shown a solid history of broadcasting professional sports, most notably, cold weather professional sports. Hopefully with a professional network behind us, we’ll be able to get all of our games in and continue our season.” The announcement comes on the heels of the recent Indians and Mariners series which was snowed out earlier this week. Additionally, the Indians had to move their next series to a neutral site in Milwaukee, to avoid the snow. Selig said the lack of global warming finally forced his hand into making this decision. “The weather just isn’t cooperating. The northeast is bracing for another storm this week. At this rate we’ll be playing into mid November, when once again it will probably be snowing. OLN knows how to make these games happen. Since the NHL signed on with them, they haven’t had to cancel one game because of weather. That’s what we are hoping for.” In related news, OLN announced they are terminating the contract of Joe Buck and replacing him with Don Cherry, the new color commentator for the MLB game of the week.
























Sammy Sosa to be the New Face of Trim Spa Arlington, TX - With the recent passing of one of America's role models of health, Anna Nicole Smith, Trim Spa faced the difficult task of finding a new face to peddle their weight-loss supplements. Enter Sammy Sosa. “I am berry berry blessed to have opportunity with Trim Spa," Sosa remarked after Trim Spa tapped him to become their new spokesman. Sosa entered the majors as a 170-pound rookie in 1989, then became notorious for his tremondous weight gain over the next decade and a half. He peaked at a bulky 225 pounds just last year. Said Sosa, “You know I was hanging out with John Kruk many nights and I got heavy, gaining 55 pounds of muscle hurt my career totals.” Trim Spa has obviously helped Sosa as he showed up to spring training at 174 pounds. We here at Fourballs.com expect the power numbers of the newly-svelt Sosa to "take off like a Phoenix, rising up out of Arizona."

















Devil Rays Forced to Forfeit Game on Turn Back the Clock Night Baltimore, MD – The Baltimore Orioles enjoyed what is sure to be one of their easiest victories of the season on Wednesday night when they defeated the Tampa Bay Devil Rays by the score of 9-0. What made the triumph so effortless is that they won when the visiting Devil Rays were forced by league officials to forfeit the game. Back in February, the Orioles' front office set aside Wednesday’s game to be Turn Back the Clock night at Camden Yards. Promotions were to include 1979-priced tickets and concession items, and the Orioles were going to wear retro-style uniforms from that same season. But the idea turned out even better than expected for Baltimore when Major League Baseball declared them the winner of the game automatically due to the fact that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays franchise did not exist in 1979. Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon was disappointed by the decision handed down by the league, but accepted his team’s fate. “It’s certainly difficult any time you lose a game,” said Maddon, “the only silver lining I can find in this situation is that we are scheduled to play in Arizona later this season and the Diamondbacks entered the league in 1998, the same year as us. But there’s going to be a lot of road game forfeits for us between now and then. The news prompted the Chicago Cubs, the oldest team in major league baseball, to declare every one of their home games “Turn Back the Clock Day: 1876.”
























Newest Member of Red Sox Nation Loses His Wife and His Job Tampa, Fla. – Yankee camp was stirring on Wednesday with the announcement that Steve Swindal was divorcing George Steinbrenner's daughter Jennifer, thus ruining any chance he has to take over as head of the New York Yankees. The reason behind the split has been described as “irreconcilable differences." However, the crack reporters at fourballs.com have learned the Swindal’s problems run much deeper than your typical differences of what toothpaste to buy or which peanut butter you like, but instead about what team you profess your love for. It appears Steve’s true love isn’t the Yankees, but instead the Red Sox. After years of living in denial Steve said he could no longer hide his hatred of the evil empire. “It was driving me nuts. They gave me a World Series Ring back in 2000 and I wanted to cram it up George’s ass with the other 25 rings they’ve won. I got drunk the other night and got a big “B” tattooed on my forearm. I had to start being me, I could no longer pretend to be a Yankee fan.” Jennifer says the writing was on the wall months ago, that the relationship was over. “Steve started acting all funny at home. He started doing stupid things at the dinner table, like doing the wave while he was waiting for me to bring out dinner. Even worse he started telling me that I ‘sucked’ all the time, even though I’m an extremely successful person.” But the straw that broke the camel’s back, or in this case ended the marriage was the card that Steve was carrying in his wallet, his Red Sox Nation Card (available for only $10.95 per year). That’s when Jennifer knew it was over. “I had suspected for years that he might be a Red Sox fan, but I never had any proof. Then one day I was going through his wallet and I saw that Red Sox Nation Card and I was like wow, he’s a serious and hardcore fan. I mean to go so far as to carry a card that you have to pay $11 for that says that you’re a fan, that’s true dedication. That’s when it was really over.”
























Steinbrenner No Longer Calling the Shots in NY Tampa, Fla. -- Alex Rodriguez made news on Wednesday when during an appearance on the popular radio show Mike and Mike, when he said the only way that he was going to leave New York after this year is if the fans of the Yankees say 'I've had enough of this guy, get him the hell out of here.’ ARod’s statement gave Yankee’s Owner George Steinbrenner an ingenious idea, turn the team over to the fans. “We’re going to run our team like a fantasy baseball team and turn over all roster decision to the fans,” Steinbrenner said. “No more signing the highest priced free agent, or developing young talent. Instead we’re going to hold a fantasy draft in my basement each year, and let the fans decide who they want to have on the roster for the upcoming year.” According to reports the roster isn’t the only thing the Yankee fans will decide this year. Steinbrenner is reportedly considering firing Yankee Manager Joe Torre and letting the fans make all roster decision, from who is in the starting lineup to when a pitcher is going to be pulled from a game. Fan Carmine Bryant is excited to finally be able to call the shots. “I’ve been yelling at the TV for years, wondering why the hell the manager does all these stupid things during the game. First thing we’re going to do is get ARod the hell out of here. I already proposed a trade to Texas Owner Drayton McLain on the league message board. He’s the one that signed him for all that money, he should have to take him back.” Yahoo, which is running the Yankee’s fantasy team reports that the proposed trade of ARod to the Rangers is for spring sensation Sammy Sosa and a number one pick in next year’s fantasy draft.























Manny Looks to Oust Heavyweight Grill Champ George Foreman Ft. Myers, FL - The future of Red Sox' leftfielder Manny Ramirez is never certain. On several occasions he has asked the team to trade him, only to follow with a request for a contract extension. He has even asked for some two-ply toilet paper to be installed in the Green Monster. Sox fans thought it had become impossible to be surprised by Ramirez's antics. Enter "ManRam Enterprises". Said Ramirez of his latest endeavor, "I got crazy ideas to market. Sure people have thought of selling used grills before, but a used grill AND a signed baseball? That's all me!" It is reported that Manny will also be introducing a line of purple dreadlock extensions as well as a Dixie cup marketed as a makeshift urinal.
















Vote for the Worst Expands It’s Influence World Wide Web – The notorious yet popular website, Vote for the Worst, has claimed another victory this week. The site is almost single-handedly responsible for keeping the awful hermaphrodite Sanjaya Malakar from being voted off on the hit TV show American Idol after being continuously endorsed by radio shock jock Howard Stern. The website was able to garner enough support to get Sanjaya on the American Idol Tour, reserved for all those who make the top 10. However, Vote for the Worst isn’t resting on it’s laurels and is instead entering the world of professional sports. In a news release, Vote for the Worst announced that they had been contacted by the Kansas City Royals to enlist their help. The Royals, who have lost over 100 games in four of the last five seasons, are hoping that the website can help boost fan support and possibly even attendance at home games. Website founder Dave Della Terza confirmed the team’s interest. “The Royals called us and asked us to work our magic. We were a bit apprehensive at first, we’re not miracle workers after all. But then we started brainstorming and thought, hey, what if we could get MLB to let every team into the playoffs each year. Or maybe we could make it legal for the Royals' players to take steroids. Or maybe we could make each run they score worth three. Anything is possible when you have the support we do.” “We’ll take all the help that we can get,” Royals’ manager Buddy Bell said. “There’s no such thing as bad publicity, and we’ll do anything we can to take the spotlight off the ridiculous contract we gave to Gil Meche this year.”





















Manny’s New Found Love Fort Myers, FL – The Red Sox front office and fans were pleasantly surprised on Monday when star rightfielder Manny Ramirez reported to Spring Training, two days after the rest of the team, and 3 days before he originally said that he would arrive. Initial speculation was that Manny’s unexpected arrival was a sign of his new found dedication to following the team rules, however it appears as though Manny is still operating on his own planet. “Yo man, I wasn’t going to be here until Friday, but then I heard about all the sushi that they got this year, and I love sushi. I eat it every day. Being here saves me like $70 bucks a day.” When asked if he had met the man responsible for the post game sushi spread, Ramirez had this to say. “Yeah man, it’s got to be because they got that Iron Chef guy they hired as our new cook. I think it’s cute how they got him a uniform and dressed him up like a player. It kind of reminds me of when Pedro had that midget dude with him a few years ago.” Now that he is in camp, Manny thinks it’s time to get down to business. “They got me here with the food, now lets focus on winning some games. We have to take this stuff serious this year. I’m going to start trying really hard once they get the Iron Chef and all those reporters off the field, and back in the kitchen where they belong.”























Ken Griffey, Jr. Demands Trade to Blue Jays to Take Advantage of Canada's Nationalized Healthcare Cincinnati, OH - It has been quite some time since baseball fans have been able to enjoy watching the talents of Ken Griffey, Jr over the course of an entire 162-season. Since 2001 the Reds' outfielder has had to endure countless trips to the disabled list, limiting him to no more than 128 games played in any of the last 6 seasons. It seems the numerous surgeries and rehab stints are starting to hurt Griffey in the wallet as well. In an interview on Tuesday, the 37-year-old admitted that he has asked the Reds to trade him north of the border to the Toronto Blue Jays. Griffey offered his reasons for making the trade request. "Almost a decade of medical bills are starting to pile up for me, even with all the royalties I receive for the hip procedure that was named for me." "We ballplayers make a lot of money, but unfortunately so do doctors. I asked to be dealt to Toronto so I can enjoy their free healthcare system up there while still making a token contribution to their lineup." Neither the Reds nor the Blue Jays offered to comment on possible negotiations.



















Your Nerdy Friend Already Preparing for Next Month's Fantasy Baseball Draft Your Friend's Parent's Basement, MA - Injury lists and depth charts line the walls, stacks of magazines and print outs are strewn about the floor. This can only mean one thing, early February has arrived to the Meltsner's basement. As sure as you can be of the Groundhog coming out of his hole around this time every year, your buddy Milton will disappear into his. While the draft is still over six weeks away, Milton Meltsner has stopped fielding your phone calls and started analyzing fielding percentages. His passion for OBP's and Hold's is unmatched in your league, and all that hard work of his paid off last season with a respectable 4th-place finish. "I think this year I have a legitimate shot at winning the championship," said Meltsner over email, unwilling to take the time for a phone or face-to-face interview. "The guy who won last year always goes out drinking the night before, think has to catch up to him eventually and he'll lose his focus. By the seventh round I'll be on to stocking my outfield while he's still looking for a secondbaseman."

















Cleveland Indians To Make Team Image More Politically Correct Cleveland, OH - In response to the current atmosphere in America of ethnic and racial sensitivity, the Cleveland Indians have revamped their franchise's theme to be more politically correct as well as geographically accurate. Rather than their team moniker being the old term for Native Americans, the Indians have shifted the tag to refer to East Indians, people from the actual country of India. "Columbus had it wrong. Over five hundred years of hindsight can show us that," said team spokeswoman Edith Johnson. "We feel the new theme for our franchise is both relevant and puts an end to a long-standing misnomer." Fans can expect several changes when they return to watch their favorite team in April, among them the name of the Indians' home stadium. Known as Jacobs' Field since it opened in 1994, the team recently sold the park's naming rights to the Dell Corporation. Other changes include an all-vegetarian concession stand menu and alcohol will be strictly forbidden at games.



















Gagne Forgets to Wear Glasses to Negotiations, Accidentally Signs With Rangers Arlington, TX - Eric Gagne made a blunder that he will not soon forget. At least not for the next twelve months he can't. On Wednesday the pitcher signed a one-year, six million dollar contract with the Texas Rangers. Running late for an appointment with his agent yesterday morning, Gagne rushed out of his home, forgetting to bring with him the thick, wire rimmed glasses for which he is now famous. Upon arriving at his agent's office, Gagne was handed paperwork regarding deals from a host of major league teams. Unable to read them himself without his glasses, but too embarrassed to admit he could not read them, Gagne accidentally signed the contract sent to him by Texas Rangers' owner Tom Hicks. "I totally thought I signed with the Red Sox," said Gagne. "I knew they had expressed interest in me this winter and I thought I could make out an 'R' on the top of the page I signed. It wasn't until I saw Steve Phillips laughing at me on Baseball Tonight that I learned I had messed up."

















Red Sox Fans Surprised To Hear Manny Ramirez Might Be Traded Boston, MA – The Red Sox have been one of the most active teams during the 2006 Hot Stove Season. The buzz around the Sox centers on their $51 million dollar winning bid for the right to negotiate with Japanese pitcher Diasuke Matsuzaka and their very public courting of outfielder JD Drew. However, lost in all of these expensive ventures is a little reported story that the Red Sox are shopping their left fielder, Manny Ramirez. We're sure this is surprising you as much as it surprised the crack reporters at fourballs.com (tell your friends!) when they heard this. Fourballs took this tidbit of information to the streets to get the fans reaction. Season ticket holder Will Edmonds was the first person we bumped into. “I can’t believe it, this is the first I’ve ever heard of this. If they are going to do it, I hope they do it quick. I don’t want to have to hear about this all year, it’ll disrupt the team.” Next we cornered Sox super-fan Hillary Fitzpatrick. “What, where did you hear this? You guys are idiots. Why would you even try to start a rumor like this and run Manny out of town? The guy loves it here and would never want to be traded.” Finally we saw lifelong Sox fan, 86-year-old Ethel Seymour. “I watch the news every night and ESPN’s Cold Pizza every morning and this is the first I ever heard of this.” If anything does come of this, remember where you heard this outrageous rumor first, fourballs.com (tell your friends!).























Revisionist History Boston, MA – The upcoming 2007 baseball season will mark the beginning of the third year of Boston Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra’s 4-year, $60 million dollar contract. Garciaparra, who was rumored to be traded before the 2004 season for White Sox slugger Maglio Ordonez, believes he is finally at home in Boston. Although he is still not paid nearly as much as Texas Rangers' shortstop Alex Rodriguez or New York Yankees' shortstop Derek Jeter, Garciaparra is confident in the decision that he and agent Arn Tellem made to accept the Red Sox' last-second midseason contract offer in 2004. “If I had been traded I never would have been here in Boston when they won the World Series. Think how many kids in Boston wouldn’t be named Nomar. Sure I’m underpaid, but I’m making over $10 million dollars a year, I’m healthy, I’m still playing shortstop, and Mia’s looks are holding up well as she ages. I couldn’t be any happier.”

















Padres Help Fill MLB’s Minority Manager Quota San Diego, CA – The San Diego Padres announced to the press on Wednesday that they had found their new manager, former Los Angeles Angels’ pitching coach Bud Black. Padres’ General Manager Kevin Towers thought the move would please not only their fan base, but the Commissioner of baseball, Bud Selig, who has urged teams to interview and hire minority managers. Unfortunately, they could not have been more wrong. “I didn’t realize he was white until they put his picture in the paper on Thursday,” Towers said. “It came down to two candidates, Dusty Baker and Bud Black. We figured we were going with the guy who was the minority. His last name is Black for god’s sake. I didn’t think we could get any more minority than that.” Towers was clearly embarrassed by his teams oversight. However, he said that the Padres would learn from their mistake and have already taken steps to ensure that this does not happen again. “I take full responsibility for this. From now on we are going to insist on conducting a face-to-face interview, no matter how black they sound on the phone. Although, I still can’t believe that a black family would name their kid ‘Dusty’.”



















Cardinals Hope to Fare Better in '07 After a Disappointing 83-78 Season This Year St. Louis, MO - St. Louis Cardinals' fans, considered by many to be the best supporters in all of Major League Baseball, have become a hearty bunch. Their patience has been tested once again this season as their beloved Redbirds were only able to muster a mediocre regular season, one that saw the team finish just five games over .500. "One of these year's this team will dominate like they did back in '82," said long-time Cards' fan John Mollaca. "Any lineup with a spark plug at the top of it like David Eckstein has to finally put it all together at some point. Until then we just have to keep the faith." Cardinals' management is expected to keep Tony LaRussa at the helm despite the disappointing regular season. "We think Tony has what it takes to take this team to the next level," said one top executive. "We're confident in the talented ballclub we've built here, so if we can have a solid regular season in 2007, well then anything can happen from there."





















Maybe Steve Lyons Was Right… Chicago, IL – On Tuesday Lou Pinella was announced as the new manager of the hapless Chicago Cubs. The number of years and dollar amount of the contract were not announced, however it was announced that the contract will be worth only $1 million after the upcoming midseason buyout/firing. Pinella spent the entire press conference talking about how he was going to supplement his income by picking pockets, washing dishes, and setting up a 3-Card Monte game outside of Wrigley Field. Pinella had this to say, "Ay mang, dis will makes me enough loot to put spinners on my el camino. For those of you who don’t abla espanol el camino is Spanish for…the camino". For all those worried that if fired, Pinella might lose his row house and leave all 37 residents (friends and relatives) homeless, fret not. Fox announced that Pinella will always have a place in the booth announcing playoff games…as long as he agrees to be patted down on his way into the booth…and out.

















Family of Former Cubs' Great "3 Finger" Brown Sues Porn Star For Stealing Name Peoria, IL - The grandson and granddaughter of former pitching star Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown filed suit on Tuesday against a performer from the adult film industry who they claim stole their grandfather's name. Three Finger Brown pitched professionally for fourteen seasons, ten of those with the Chicago Cubs, just after the turn of the century. He earned his nickname after suffering not one, but two farming accidents as a youth, that left his right hand somewhat mutiliated. The fortunate result was Brown's ability to throw a variety of devastating pitches. The civil suit filed this week by Brown's grandchildren have accused gay adult film star Andrew Torrant, who has appeared in such videos as "How I Met Your Brother" and "The Oriface", of using their famous grandfather's name in the credits of his films without the family's permission. "What Mr. Torrant does for a living is his own business, but to call himself 'Three Finger Brown' while he does it embarrasses us and our grandfather's legacy." When asked to comment, Torrant appeared to be unaware that the name had already been taken. "I thought I was being original. It sounded appropriate and catchy for my line of work."






















Uribe Looks to Avoid Suspension Chicago, IL – The baseball world was shocked this week when it learned that Chicago White Sox shortstop Juan Uribe and a bodyguard are suspected of shooting and wounding a Dominican farmer and a captain in the Italian Navy with a pistol and a shotgun when the pair walked too close to Uribe's jeep around midnight Friday in Santa Domingo, Dominican Republic. Uribe met with Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig in New York to discuss the case and a possible suspension. Although Uribe is still waiting to see if he will be criminally charged, Selig is steadfast in his decision that Uribe can avoid suspension in only one way. “Juan is a man with a penchant for violence. Only a crazed lunatic shoot someone for being to close to their car,” Selig told reporters. “So we’re going to use this to our advantage. The only way that Uribe avoids suspension is if he becomes a hitman for Major League Baseball. And the first person on his list is his Manager, Ozzie Guillen. He whacks Guillen, he can stay. It’s about time we get rid of that homo-phobic prick.” Selig went on to discuss other “hits” that would be on Uribe’s list. “Barry Bonds, George Steinbrenner, Pete Rose, Darryl Strawberry that little rat Joe Buck. We’re finally going to get to take out the trash.” Uribe who had only 109 hits this past year, appears as though he is going to be getting a lot more “hits” this year.
























Tiger Tale of Woe Detroit, MI – State troopers and the Alcohol Beverage Control Administration, or ABCA, are sending a message to all professional sports teams. If you give alcohol to those underage, you'll be arrested. Troopers, along with alcohol control officials, went into the Detroit Tigers clubhouse following their shocking upset of the New York Yankees on Saturday evening and arrested all of the Tigers' players and coaches. Pictures from the Tigers post game celebration showed the players emphatically spraying champagne into the crowd and quite possible into the mouths of minors. ABCA spokesman Ima Partypooper says that the Tigers' post-game celebration crossed the line. "We don’t have problems with the Tigers spraying their fans with champagne, that’s fine. But they sure as heck better make sure that every one of those fans that they are spraying has had their ID checked and been given a wristband.” State troopers’ busy night continued. In addition to the 30 players and coaches arrested, Police Chief Ari Wiggum said that nearly 6,000 fans were arrested on their way home from the game for suspicion of driving drunk. Although nearly all of the fans passed the field sobriety test, troopers cited the strong smell of alcohol coming from each of the cars, as the reason for the arrests.



















TWIGB (This Week in Greek Baseball) Tokyo, Japan - A recent report from Japan has taken the baseball world by storm. The report centers on a pitch known as the Gyro-ball. Initial reports claimed the pitch was designed by two Japanese physicists. The Gyro-ball is thrown overhand similar to other pitches but allows for the ball to reverse its direction of rotation in mid-flight. This strange phenomenon makes the pitch almost unhittable. Fourballs' staff writer Sid Farcus further fueled the debate when he found a report saying that the pitch was actually developed in Astoria, a section in Queens, NY. Astoria resident Basil Tapas had this to say, "Not for nothing but its pronounced 'ee-ro' ball, and its nothing but a spit ball, but insteads of spits, ya just use gyro sauce. My Uncle Pavlo came up with it pitchin a stickball game while he was eatin."

















Mel Gibson Denies That Sandy Koufax Ever Pitched Hollywood, CA - Mel Gibson announced Tuesday plans for his upcoming movie project, a documentary highlighting Judaism in professional sports. The film will center around Dodgers' pitcher Sandy Koufax's decision not to start game one of the 1965 World Series in observance of the Jewish holy day of Yom Kippur. Said Gibson in a press conference, "It's one of the most amazing lies ever told. Not only did this event never actually happen, but no Jew has ever even been good enough to play organized sports of any kind." When accused of taking an anti-Semitic stance, Gibson was quoted as saying, "How can that be possible? I have a Jewish accountant for Christ's sake." Gibson reportedly began this project when he was unable to find a studio that would produce his previous work, a film entitled "Honey, I Shrunk the Third Reich!"

















Yanks Air Dirty Jock Laundry Bronx, NY – An article in the upcoming edition of Sports Illustrated describes the problems in the clubhouse of the New York Yankees, now winners of nine consecutive AL East titles. The issues center around oft-embroiled third baseman Alex Rodriguez. In the report, in a last ditch effort, Yankee manager Joe Torre tried to give ARod a “time out”, but according to the story ARod had no problem getting paid approximately $1.3M per hour for doing nothing. Imbedded reporter Jack Klompus reported on the punishment doled out to ARod. "I’ve never seen anything more disturbing than a professional baseball player getting reprimanded by Torre. The guy is supposed to be a professional, but instead he is acting like a three year old." ARod was heard bragging to teammates, “It doesn’t effect me at all. It’s just like the playoffs, but with less fans are around..”


















Leyland's Decision to Rest Tigers' Regulars Before Actually Clinching is Proving Costly Detroit, MI - Tigers' manager Jim Leyland has made some unorthodox moves in his 15 years as a major league skipper, but his latest one may cost his team the chance to play in October. Leyland's Tigers have shocked the baseball world this season by dominating the American League Central, a division many regard as the toughest in the league. But their lead over the Twins and White Sox appears more tenuous by the day. What was once a 10-game cushion for Detroit has dwindled down to a mere 1.5 games over the second place Twins. The closing of the gap has been attributed to Leyland's decision to bench most of his regular lineup for much of September to rest them for the playoffs. "Everyday I keep telling the 'skip' that I can play but he keeps sitting me," said Tigers' shortstop Carlos Guillen. "He just tells me to save that intensity for the playoffs. But at this rate we won't even make them, and even if we do we'll suck, I haven't seen live pitching in 10 days." Leyland led the Florida Marlins to a World Series back in 1997, the team's fifth year in existance.




















Red Sox Finally Reaping Rewards of New Hospital Wing They Donated Last Fall Boston, MA - It took nearly a year, but the pay off for the Boston Red Sox is proving to be a big one. Last September the team generously contributed $15 million for a new addition to Mass. General Hospital in the heart of downtown Boston. Since its opening in April, the new wing has been used as a state-of-the-art burn victim ward for impoverished children from across New England. But the real dividends for the Red Sox have begun to be realized only recently as they have seen their roster hit hard with injuries over the past month. The list of hurt players grew rapidly in August, and now includes Jason Varitek (knee), Tim Wakefield (ribs), Alex Gonzalez (oblique), Trot Nixon (bicep), David Ortiz (irregular heartbeat), Manny Ramirez (hamstring), and Wily Mo Pena (wrist). In order to make room for these men, the young burn victims were transferred to BU Medical Center's outpatient facility. The Red Sox organization, though disappointed in the rash of injuries, recognizes the silver lining. "Initially we donated that $15 million to Mass General last year to try to give back to the community," said Sox' CEO Larry Lucchino. "But it turned out to be a great investment for our ballclub as well. We hope to turn these hurt members of our squad back around and get them on the field as quickly as possible."




















Saudi Arabian Little League First Baseman Suspended Williamsport, PA – Scandal hit the Little League World Series earlier this week when officials announced that Saudi Arabia's Aaron Durley had been suspended for the remainder of the series after he was apprehended by police on Sunday night after trying to buy beer for his team, as they celebrated a 9-1 victory over Saipan, insuring them a berth in the international semifinals. The 13-year-old Durley, who stands at a robust 6-foot-8, and weighs 256 pounds, was nabbed by police outside of Jimmy’s Corner Store with a 30-pack of Bud Ice, fifty dollars in scratch tickets, and an ID that falsely identified him as a 37-year-old truck driver named Mike Shea from Hoboken, New Jersey. The loss of Durley has left the Saudi Arabia team reeling. Team coach Rick Tropeano met with reporters and discussed the now-gapping hole in the middle of his team’s lineup. “We’re going to go after these guys the best way we know how, with pitching and defense. The guy we’re going to replace him with is this kid named Danny Almonte, who’s father just got transferred to our military base. Supposedly this kid throws in the high 80’s and has some experience playing in the Little League World Series. As an added bonus, he won’t have any problem fitting into Durley’s uniform.” Saudi Arabia meets Kawaguchi City, Japan in Thursday’s semifinal.






















Yankees Tab Florida Beach As New Home New York, NY – Yankee owner George Steinbrenner is a man who has never been afraid to spend money to get what he wants. On Tuesday, that’s just what Steinbrenner did. In a waiver wire deal, the wily Yankee owner traded New York City’s upper east side, $500 million dollars in cash, and outfielder Melky Cabrera for the entire state of Florida. The Yankees then announced that they would make the state of Florida home for their new $800 million dollar state-of-the-art stadium. Although ground will be broken on the new stadium later this week, Yankee’s General Manager Brian Cashman said there is a lot of work still to be done. “This stadium is going to take a while to build. We have a lot to do. First off, we have to get all of the maps redrawn to show that Florida is now part of New York. Second off, we have to get all of those old people the hell out of there. It’s like buying a house that senior citizens used to live in, it takes a while to get out the old person smell.” Residents in Florida are miffed at the Yankees trade for their state, however they probably don’t have much of an argument after they themselves voted to allow the Yankees to acquire their state in an election last November. Florida retiree Joe Barber can’t believe that he might have to spend his golden years away from the easy winters he has grown to love in Florida. “You would have thought that by now everyone would have realized that the people in Florida had no idea what the heck they were voting for. First it was the hanging chads, now it’s the former team of Chad Curtis. Obviously we’ll never learn.”






















Recent Heat Wave Threatens to Thaw Teddy Ballgame Scottsdale, AZ - Record temperatures seared the nation this week, causing spikes in power usage from coast to coast. The Northeastern region of the United States saw temperatures break triple digits for the first time in 2006, coupled with stifling humidity that made it feel like 115 degrees in the direct sun. The desert Southwest, accustomed to temperatures hovering around the century mark, saw the mercury rise to even more dangerous levels this week, with little relief in sight. The Alcor Life Extension Foundation of Scottsdale, Arizona, a world leader in cryopreservation, issued an alert on Wednesday that the record temperatures were causing some of their clients to partially thaw. Among them is former Red Sox' slugger Ted Williams, who has been frozen at the facility since his passing in 2002. "Partial thawing is a serious concern in our business as it can cause cracking of the bodies at the cellular level," said chief cyronigist Steve Pember. "We're working hard to ensure that his nickname, the "Splendid Splinter", remains a reference to just his baseball-playing days."




















Sniffing Out Jeter New York, NY – New York Yankees' shortstop Derek Jeter announced this week his plans to release a new cologne, named “Driven”. The cologne, to be produced by Avon Products Inc., is expected to hit the shelves sometime in November, just in time for the holiday season. The fragrance is reported to be a blend of chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss and spice. Critics believe that the Jeter/Avon team could not have picked a more appropriate name for his new scent. Out Magazine lead-editor Gary Fisting has already proclaimed that “Driven” will be the greatest thing for to hit the shelf since KY Jelly’s Warming Gel. In an interview with Fourballs.com, Fisting had this to say. “How could gay men not like this? I’m going to wear it every time I go out. I fully expect this product to fly off the shelf. I can’t see Avon taking it in the rear on this one. It’s sure to be a home run!” Although this highly anticipated product is sure to be a hit, it did not come about without some serious debate. Reportedly Avon officials had to convince Jeter to drop the words “In the Ass” from the end of the name of the cologne. Additionally, there was serious debate on the packaging that Jeter selected, which Avon officials claimed appeared to be too “phallic” in its appearance. Following Wednesday’s night victory over the Toronto Blue Jays, Jeter announced that he had approached Yankee Manager Joe Torre about the possibility of switching his position to catcher in order to promote the new cologne.





















MLB Trade Deadline a Stressful Time for Many Washington, DC - Baseball's trade deadline of July 31st is quickly approaching, and many general managers throughout the league believe this weekend could see several big names changing teams. The heat of baseball's Hot Stove is being felt by players such as the Nationals' Alfonso Soriano, the Brewers' Carlos Lee, and the Phillies' Bobby Abreu. But not just star players feel the pressure of being 'on the block' at deadline time. Players-to-be-named later, cash, future draft picks, and used ballbags are also included in most trades, often thrown in at the last second to complete a deal. "I'm nervous as hell," said top college baseball prospect Jeff Ginsberg. "Being a lock in next year's draft, my very pick could be dealt at the eleventh hour on Monday. My agent has told me to try to stay positive and accept it as just part of the business. For guys like Soriano it's easier because they know they're going somewhere while guys like me have the tough part of just having to hold our breath." Fourteen-year major league journeyman Rondell White also feels the pressure around this time each season as a perennial player-to-be-named-later. "Back in 2000, me and our ballbag got thrown in on a trade from Montreal to the Cubs," remembered White. "I never saw it coming and adapting to life in a new city was tough. Having that familar ballbag there in the dugout every day, going through it all right along with me, that sure helped a lot."

























Reynolds Hides Behind Sexual Harassment Allegations Bristol, CT – Baseball fans across the nation were shocked earlier this week to learn of the firing of 11-year ESPN veteran Harold Reynolds, and the shakeup of the Baseball Tonight crew. Immediately after his dismissal, rumors began to circulate across the internet that the 45-year-old Reynolds was fired for sexually harassing a co-worker. However, writers at Fourballs.com found the true source of his firing. In an exclusive interview, former co-host John Kruk told all about the true source of Reynolds’ firing. “Reynolds sucks, it’s as simple as that. The sexual harassment charge isn’t even true. It was just an easy way to get him the hell out of here. I told the producers that we should tell everyone he was dating Lance Bass or something like that, but they decided the sexual harassment rumor would be much easier to sell to the public.” The third man in the Baseball Tonight trio, Karl Ravech, echoed the statements made by Kruk. “He’s an idiot. He hasn’t said an insightful thing in eleven years. It was time for him to go. Hey, Reynolds knows he sucks, and he knew he was on his way out. He even helped make up the sexual harassment rumor. Do you think anyone would hire him if it was revealed that he was fired cause he sucks?” Ravech however believes that all of this will eventually blow over and that Reynolds will land on his feet. “I’m sure he’ll get a job somewhere. Maybe the Best Damn Sports Show Period, or something like that. If network television will re-hire Marv Albert after biting a girls ass, then there is a job out there somewhere for Harold.”
























Turn Back the Clock Night? Chicago, IL – Fans at Wrigley Field on Wednesday night were surprised to learn that the game between the visiting Houston Astros and their beloved Chicago Cubs would count towards each teams respective regular season record. The confusion over the much anticipated match-up between 300 game winners Roger Clemens and Greg Maddux on Wednesday night began when many fans thought they were going to see an Old Timer’s Game, and not a regular season game. Abe Frohman, the Sausage King of Chicago, was one fan who was fooled by the game pitting a pair of 40+ year old starters. “I started to think that something was wrong when Ernie Banks wasn’t in the starting lineup. Everyone in our section was like, how can they have an old timers game without Ernie Banks? He’s Mr. Cub for god’s sake! Then someone told me this was a regular season game. So of course, I wasn’t surprised when the Cubs lost.” The Cubs Front Office, always attentive to the needs of their fans, offered retribution to any fan who was fooled by the Wednesday night game, by offering them the opportunity to dunk Steve Bartman, carnival style, into a pool full of acid, before tonight’s game.





















Ozzie Canseco Sick of Living in Brother Jose's Tremendous Shadow Tampa, FL - Living under the weight of his famous last name has been a difficult burden for Ozzie Canseco to bear. Once a top minor league prospect, the younger Canseco now fills his days managing older brother Jose's extensive baseball memorabilia collection. Ozzie was able to make it to the big leagues at one time, hitting .200 in 65 career at-bats. The pressure to live up to Jose's stats proved to be too much however, as Ozzie was forced to retire from the game in 1993 with zero homeruns, 462 behind brother Jose. While Ozzie's retirement from baseball has been a relatively quiet one, Jose continues to make headlines, successfully climbing to the top of the New York Times Best-sellers list in his very first try as an author. Jose has also made a return to professional baseball this season, so far drawing record crowds in his minor league appearances. He was even asked to pitch in the league's all-star game, and hopes to be invited to join a major league roster before the end of the year. "Jose has always been driven to do great things," said a despondent Ozzie Canseco. "It has been very difficult living in his shadow. Luckily I've gotten some great advice in coping with the situation from both Brett Lindros and Billy Ripken."






















Sammy Sosa Awaits Big Pay Day Miami, FL - Former big league slugger Sammy Sosa has spent this past week considering the many offer sheets pouring into his agent's downtown Miami office. It seems his services as a .220 hitter with limited remaining power are in high demand by several contenders. According to Sosa's agent Ethan Kravitz, the top offers so far received are: Boston Red Sox - A berry berry nice, rent-controlled apartment in Dorchester + incentives Chicago Cubs – Free steroids if Cubs win the World Series San Francisco Giants – Incentive contract to make Barry look like an upstanding citizen Arizona Diamondbacks - 5-year deal with stipulation that Sosa's urine be used in Luis Gonzalez's next drug test Kravitz and Sosa have refused to comment on which deal they are leaning toward but hope to make a decision before Canseco's next book hits the shelves.



















Report: Al-Queda Recruiting Heavily From Red Sox Nation for Next Attack on New York Boston, MA - A frightening report released by the Department of Homeland Security this week has brought to light an alarming new trend in the War on Terror. Several cells of the international terrorist organization al-Queda have been actively recruiting new members in the northeast region of the United States. The news was learned when a former terrorist who is now in American custody at Guantanamo Bay began describing his cell's delegated tasks. "We were asked by our superiors to scour the internet for anti-New York sentiment here in the States," said the unidentified man while under interrogation. "Everything that turned up in our initial searches involved fans of some baseball team located in Boston, so we traveled there just to feel things out. What we found was a hatred for New York the likes of which even we'd never seen. We found enough talent to bring every infidel to his knees by the end of the month." The FBI immediately launched investigations on all card-carrying members of Red Sox Nation as well as online organizations the "Sons of Sam Horn" and the "Boston Dirt Dogs".






















Braves' Streak of Playoff Futility May Finally Be Coming to an End Atlanta, GA - The past 14 years have been a bumpy road to say the least for the Atlanta Braves. What has been season after season of high hopes has 13 times ended in disappointment. The Braves have had the good fortune to win their division each of the last 14 seasons. But for all those playoff berths the team has earned, the lone title they have to show for them came in 1995. The dark clouds of playoff failure may have finally lifted from the city of Atlanta as the Braves currently sit 13.5 games out of first place in the National League East. If the Braves continue to stumble in the second half, and with the Mets playing well, there is a good chance fans throughout Georgia could finally breathe a sigh of relief in October as another playoff disaster might be avoided. "We stopped going to Braves' playoff games years ago," said long-time fan Jim Valerio. "When you know the collapse is coming it makes it tough to watch. This fall will certainly be a nice change of pace." John Smoltz, the anchor of the Braves pitching staff, could be dealt at the trade deadline as the team looks to rebuild for the future. "Playing all these years in Atlanta have really taken their toll on me," said Smoltz. "I look forward to being traded later this month to a proven winner, like the Detroit Tigers."






















NL Replaces AL With Class-AA Eastern League on 2007 Interleague Schedule Pittsburgh, PA- The losses have been piling up for the National League as they continue to be beaten at the hands of their American League counterparts. Through Wednesday's games the Senior Circuit had a hideous record of 75-127 in interleague play this season. Both the Pirates and Diamondbacks have each gone a miserable 1-10 versus AL opponents so far, prompting the National League to drop all games against the American League in 2007. "People come to the ballpark to see good competition," said NL President Bill Giles. "Having the two major leagues face each other just couldn't afford us that any more so we were forced to explore other options for our fans." According to league sources, an agreement has been reached with the double-A Eastern League on an extensive schedule pitting the NL against the 12-team minor league in 2007. The first game will be an huge intra-state showdown between the Harrisburg Senators and the Pittsburgh Pirates. "It's all about the fans," said EL President Joe McEacharn. "They come to the ballpark to see their favorite team win. That's exactly what this opportunity gives them."




















Report: Reggie Jackson Has No Memory of Trying to Kill the Queen New York, NY - On the eighteenth anniversary of that fateful afternoon in Anaheim, a startling report has surfaced that shows former outfielder Reggie Jackson has absolutely no recollection of trying to assassinate the Queen of England. It was a beautiful June day in 1988, and Jackson's California Angels were playing host to the Seattle Mariners. Enrico Pollazzo belted out a beautiful rendition of the national anthem, and the Queen of England was on hand in a special box along the third base line. Mid-way through the sixth inning, following a series of terrible calls by the homeplate umpire, a melee errupted on the field. In the midst of the chaos, witnesses spotted Jackson removing a handgun from under second base, then he made his way to the Queen's box. But miraculously, anthem singer and homeplate umpire Enrico Pollazzo was able to stop the impending murder of the queen. In an interview last week Jackson was asked what was going through his mind during the attack. Jackson remembered the game, but nothing about the attack. According to the former player, "That was a good game, I remember being able to do the robot dance really well for some reason from that day on."




















Clarifying Statement New York, NY – Former Major League Pitcher Dwight ‘Doc’ Gooden met with reporters on Thursday to clarify a statement he made to reporters on Wednesday. In an interview that appeared on ESPN Gooden was quoted as saying he would “rather get shot than come back here”. Sports fans across the nation interpreted Gooden’s comments to mean that he was miserable in jail and would do anything to prevent going back to jail. Gooden however, said the statement was taken out of context, and wasn’t what he was trying to say. “Jail ain’t so bad. The shot I was talking about was a shot of cocaine. I’ve been messing around with shooting up in jail, and let me tell you, it’s much better than snorting it up your nose. It goes right into the bloodstream and man, you just get a rush. I’m a coke fiend, why the hell would I ever say I would stop.” On a related note, after hearing Gooden’s clarification former teammate Darryl Strawberry and former NFL star Michael Irvin were caught robbing a local 7-11. As they were apprehended by police they were heard yelling, “Send us to jail with Doc!” over and over again.



















Front Row Seat for the Postseason Houston, TX – Future Hall of Famer Roger Clemens ended nearly two months of speculation on Wednesday about who he would pitch for, when he elected to stay with the Houston Astros. The Astros beat out the New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox and Texas Rangers for the services of the 43 year old Clemens. According to Clemens’ agent Randy Hendricks, the decision to stay with the Astros was not an easy one. “Both the Red Sox and the Yankees hold a dear place in Clemens’ heart and have a great chance to make the postseason. The Rangers flew Roger and his family all over the place in their private jet and were willing to offer more money than any other team. Roger and his family went back and forth on who to sign with. But finally, the Astros made an offer that we just couldn’t refuse.” The offer that Hendricks was referring to wasn’t monetary, but instead a 46” big screen TV. “Roger couldn’t say no to the thought of watching the postseason on that 46” TV with his family. The picture is just so clear. You can see each blade of grass or ripple of fat on Bobby Jenks. It makes you feel like you’re there.” The Astros are currently 6.5 games behind the St. Louis Cardinals.