Archived Baseball "News"
Remy Busted in Prostitution Sting Boston, MA – Red Sox Nation President Jerry Remy, who gained national prominence as the color man for America’s favorite team the Boston Red Sox, is the latest person to be caught on a federal wiretap when he was arranging to meet with a high-priced prostitute at a Fort Myers hotel last month, according to a law enforcement official. The wiretap captured a man identified as Pas Mal, Remy’s alias and tribute to his love of smoking, on a telephone call confirming plans to have a woman travel from Boston to Fort Myers, where he had reserved a hotel room, according to an affidavit filed in federal court in Boston by FBI Agent Matt Nagle. “This was a pretty successful sting,” Nagle told reporters. “We got our man and put an end to this illegal activity. I think this also goes a pretty long way in showing that Boston is so much better than New York. They did the same thing and all they go was a Governor. We got a President in our sting. Yankees suck! Yankees suck!”
Spring Training Wearing Down The Rays Tampa, FL – The Tampa Bay Rays got the ire of the New York Yankees this week when the Rays' Elliot Johnson barreled over New York catcher Francisco Cervelli, breaking his wrist. The Yankees' Shelley Duncan retaliated on Wednesday when he slid into second base with his spikes raised. Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon who called the play "borderline criminal," vowed that his team would once again retaliate. “This aggression won’t stand. Next time someone on our club hits a ball to the gap, Jeter better make sure he’s no where near second base.” Rays' outfielder Carl Crawford however, can’t wait to put this behind them and move onto the regular season. “Hey man, we take these spring training games way too serious. We’re supposed to be playing two innings and then skipping off to play golf. But we’re fighting instead and trying to win these games? Man, I can’t wait for the regular season to start so that we can stop trying so hard and go back to being a last place team that doesn’t give a crap.”
Hope Springs Rolls at Yankee Camp Tampa, FL - The Yankees' Grapefruit League campaign began with quite a bang this season as the Bombers went undefeated in their first five games.  Capping the hot start was a rain-shortened five-inning perfect game over the Toronto Blue Jays on March 4. Much to the surprise of many was Kai Igawa's part in the pitching gem, which included 13 of 18 pitches thrown for strikes. Igawa stated, through a translator, that he was just focused on trying to throw strikes.  When asked what he'd been focused on during his many prior underwhelming performances, Igawa stated in horrifically broken English "Posada crazy ears," referring to the protruding ears of Yankee catcher Jorge Posada. When asked to sum up Igawa's performance, Posada stated "It was (the Japanese pitcher's) best delivery since Joe (former Yankee manager Joe Torre) took him out of a game last year early and sent him on a take-out run.  The kung pao he brought back that day was amazing and really, it's not like there was anything for the bullpen to save".
It's All In the Name   New York, NY - Rich "Goose" Gossage wrote the final chapter in his illustrious career this week, when he was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. The election of Gossage, who was a dominating closer throughout the 60's and 70's, does not come as a surprise to fans, however, the real meaning behind his nickname might.   Former New York Yankee teammate Graig Nettles told reporters how Gossage originally got his nickname early in the 1978 Season.   "Rich was a good guy, and a very affectionate guy. Most guys on the baseball field pat a guy on the butt when he makes a good play, and Rich was no exception." "But Rich took it a little farther, and left his hand on the butt for a couple of seconds more. He'd then give you a little squeeze on one of the cheeks. It made us all as uncomfortable as hell, but that's how he got the name 'Goose'".   Womens' rights groups are planning large demonstrations in Cooperstown during induction weekend to protest Gossage's election.
Dan Duquette Successfully Undergoes Surgery   Boston, MA - The holidays were a happy time for many, but not for the Duquette family. While many shared the holidays with friends and family, former Red Sox General Manager Dan Duquette underwent surgery at Massachusetts General Hospital. Doctors at first kept the nature of the surgery under wraps, however Fourballs reporters learned that the emergency procedure was to repair the "shit-eating grin" permanently attached to his face.   Duquette who lives in Dalton, Massachusetts, reportedly went missing in late December shortly after the George Mitchell report was released. He was found three days later outside of Fenway Park by law enforcement agents on a street corner. Duquette was reportedly stinking drunk and disoriented. The only words he would say were "twilight of his career" over and over again.   The surgery, performed by Dr. Arthur Papas, was deemed a success. The "shit-eating grin" was removed however Duqette's wife says that one month later, her husband still faces a long road to recovery.   "The other night we found him wandering the house late and night mumbling that same damn phrase again and laughing to himself. I just want my husband back."
Alex Rodriguez Hopes To Accessorize With the Dodgers   Los Angeles, CA - Alex Rodriguez made headlines during last week's World Series when Super-Agent Scott Boras announced that the third baseman would opt out of his contract with the New York Yankees, making him a free agent. Rumors immediately began to circulate about where ARod would land.   One of the possibilities thrown about was the Los Angeles Dodgers. Originally, it was believed that Rodriguez's move was based on his desire to play for former Yankee manager and possible new Dodger manager Joe Torre and their deep pockets, however this is not the case. Instead Rodriguez's desire to join the Dodgers has more to do with his attempt to fully accessorize his look.   "My image is important to me", Rodriguez said. "Opting out of my deal with the Yankees wasn't about the money or the direction of the team, about my overall appearance."   Rodriguez, who has been named one of the best dressed athletes by numerous publications believes a move to the Dodgers would take one of his worst attributes and make it one of his best.   "For as long as I can remember I've been trying to hide my blue lips. People have made fun of me for years. They totally clashed with the Yankee uniform, but I truly believe they would blend in perfectly with the Dodger Blue. Instead of making fun of me, people would just think I'm really dedicated to being a Dodger."   Scott Spiezio and his Cardinal Red beard could not be reached for comment.
Zumaya Takes Awards Way Too Seriously Detroit, MI - Detroit Tigers reliever Joel Zumaya is expected to be sidelined until midseason after injuring his throwing shoulder during the California wildfires. Zumaya, who finished in the top 5 in voting for the 2006 Rolaids AL Fireman of the Year award, apparently took last year's award literally, and believed that he could really put out fires. "I totally thought I was qualified to put out the fire", Zumaya said. "It's what I'm known for. They call down to the bullpen and I come in and put the fire out. I thought I could do the same thing to the wildfires." Zumaya, whose 100-mph fastballs helped Detroit reach the 2006 World Series, will need to rest his shoulder for six weeks. He is not expected to begin a throwing program until March. Zumaya blames Rolaids for misleading him. "That's a dumb name for the award. What do they give real fire fighters, Relief Pitcher of the Year Awards? I hold them responsible for my stupidity."
Taco Bell Finds Advertising Space in Pitcher's Hosery Boston, MA - Red Sox' pitcher Curt Schilling loves the spotlight, and never misses a chance to use it to broadcast his thoughts.  His impressive postseason performances have made him the center of attention each time he takes the mound in October. As a result, the veteran hurler has a show on AM radio, a personal blog, and the ear of sports writers throughout New England.  However, Schilling received negative attention following the 2007 regular season after he showed up overweight to spring training and posted a mediocre 9-8 record.  Said Schilling, "What do I have to do to get your attention?  Ive already 'bled' for you".  That comment caught the ear of Taco Bell owner Sid Farcus.  After hearing Schilling's appeal for sympathy, the taco mogul decided to sign another lucrative contract with Major League Baseball. Said Farcus, "After Curt Schilling poured ketchup on his sock during the 2004 ALCS hamburger sales soared.  We have payed Mr. Schilling $13 million over the next 3 years for the exclusive rights to his postseason socks. So next year if you happen to see a spot on Curt's sock, ask yourself....is it spicy or mild?"
Boston Hotels Try To Help Red Sox Advance   Boston, MA - Thursday night the Boston Red Sox prevailed 7-1 over the Cleveland Indians in Game 5 of the ALCS, bringing the series back to Boston. It appears as though the Red Sox will have more than just the fans on their side when they square off against the Indians in Game 6 on Saturday.   The Boston Hilton, which the Indians will call home for the upcoming weekend, announced that the beds the Indians will sleep in have been infected with the deadly disease Small Pox. Hotel Manager Paul Rand described his hotel's controversial decision.   "When the settlers found the United States back in the day they found a bunch of Indians. They quickly discovered the best way to get rid of them was to give them blankets infected with diseases. We're following their lead and once again trying to help exterminate the Indians."   It appears as though all is fair in the ALCS. The Commissioners office declared the Boston hotel's drasic measure within the rules after the Indians called on another old time plague of insect infestation when they eliminated the Yankees in the ALDS.
New Era to Introduce Line of Rally Caps Buffalo, NY - No late-inning lead will be safe next baseball season as the New Era Cap Company recently announced plans to introduce a line of rally caps nationwide. No exact date has been set for their release, only that they will be ready in time for the holidays. "Look in the crowd late in the game when the home team is losing and what do you see?" asked New Era spokesman Brad Weinstein. "Well besides for people heading for the exits, you see fans wearing their regular hats inside-out and backwards." "The ninth inning represents a whole niche market in the world of hats that thus far has been untapped. We hope to take advatnage of this niche. Our goal is to get fans to root for their favorite teams to rally in other innings too." New Era also announced that the company is the process of developing a whole line of rally accessories, including jersey, t-shirts, shorts, and undergarments.
Phillies Confused by an Opponent Who is Actually Trying to Win Philadelphia, PA - The Colorado Rockies shocked the baseball world on Wednesday by dropping the Phillies 4-2 in Game 1 of their National League Divisional Series. Few gave the Rockies much of a chance entering the the game after their exhausting extra-inning win on Monday night over the San Diego Padres which they needed just to get into the playoffs.  But perhaps no one was more surprised by the Wild Card Rockies' victory than the Phillies themselves. "It was strange, right away you could tell they weren't going to let us win," said a confused Aaron Rowand, the Phillies' centerfielder. "They were hitting well, Jeff Francis was throwing hard, and they weren't making any errors in the field. After the division race we had with the Mets these past few weeks, we're not used to seeing the other team try to win. It's a little unsettling to be perfectly honest." Game 2 is scheduled for Thursday afternoon, also in Philadelphia. The Rockies have won 15 of their last 16 games overall.
Milwaukee Brewers Have Herd of Goats Delivered to Wrigley Field Chicago, IL - The Milwaukee Brewers may be sitting at home this October watching the playoffs on TV, but their misfortune in the hunt for the division this season has certainly not left them bitter.  In a display of good ol' rural courtesy and charm, the Brewers organization on Wednesday sent a herd of goats to the Chicago Cubs to congratulate them on winning the 2007 NL Central Division title. "We're just traditional countryfolk here in Milwaukee," said Jake Becker, the Brewers' Director of Baseball Operations. "We were proud of the season we had but they had a better one and we wanted to let them know we appreciate the competition.  That's why we had a dozen billy goats sent to them.  It's what any polite midwesterner would do." While Cubs players' and most team administrators were in Arizona for the start of their playoff series with the Diamondbacks, the personnel that were on hand at Wrigley Field to receive the shipment were all visibly stunned by the act of good will.
Jerry Remy Makes Jump to Late-Night Infomercials Boston, MA - NESN broadcaster Jerry Remy, known affectionately by Red Sox Nation as the "RemDawg", announced Tuesday his new role as spokesman for American Recreational Properties.  The former secondbaseman joins 70's TV-star Erik Estrada, giving ARP a veritable all-star lineup of celebrities in their infomercial arsenal. Remy appeared confident his new responsibilities selling timeshares on late-night television would not interfere with his covering of the Red Sox. "Folks in addition to watching great Red Sox action on NESN, doing your banking at Sovereign, the official bank of the Boston Red Sox, and booking your vacations through the Vacation Outlet, now you too can own property in great locations across the country." Remy also took the opportunity with Tuesday's announcement to express his interest in branching out to even more NESN programing, including  providing color commentatary for Boston Bruins  telecasts and making an appear in an upcoming epsiode of Charlie Moore, the Mad Fisherman.
George Steinbrenner Asks MLB to Move L.A. Angels to the National League Bronx, NY - The most powerful owner in baseball has spoken, and his words are calling for another realignment of the league's teams. On Wednesday, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner made a formal request to Major League Baseball that the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim be moved to the National League, effective immediately. The proposal was no doubt brought about by the Yankees' inability to beat the Angels in recent years. Since 2002, Anaheim/LA is the only American League team to have a winning record against the Bombers, and have eliminated them in the playoffs twice. But Steinbrenner denied any link between his request and his team's troubles. "This is in their best interest," said Steinbrenner. "Look at all the National League teams in that area of the country. With gas prices as high as they are, think of the travel money the Angels will save. I'm just looking out for them." New York is 2-6 against the Los Angeles Angels this season.
David Trembley Exercises His Right To Job Security Baltimore, MD – Wednesday was the greatest day in Oriole manager David Trembley’s life. It was the day the Orioles' front office announced that he would be back to manage the team for the 2008 season. It was the first time that Trembley had a sense of job security. Trembley celebrated his contract extension by watching his team lose to the Texas Rangers 30-3, and he couldn't have been any happier. “I finally got to manage the way I wanted to. I wasn’t worried that each one of my decisions was being critiqued by the GM. I did what I wanted to do. I wasn’t worried about how a pitcher might pitch or if a batter might hit, I simply managed." Trembley’s new found confidence was never more apparent then during the last four innings on Wednesday when he used only three pitchers despite the fact the Rangers scored 24 runs. Trembley promised more of the same for next year. “I’m going to bring this same approach next year, all year.” Orioles fans however weren’t impressed. Oriole fan Parin Zaveri expressed his concerns. “I saw the score and thought it was the Texans and the Ravens pre-season game. At first I was excited that somehow Steve McNair had led us to a field goal. Then I heard it was the baseball game. I think I might have to become a Nationals fan.”
Gary Sheffield Claims Injured Shoulder is Racist For Keeping Him Out of Lineup Detroit, MI - The Tigers' must now try to catch division-rival Cleveland down the stretch without the services of their slugger Gary Sheffield.  The designated hitter has been sidelined with a sore right shoulder, an ailment which could wind up sending him to the disabled list. Sheffield says the shoulder has been bothering him for over a month, but only recently has it become something he could no longer ignore. "It was giving me problems back in July, but I played through it," Sheffield was quoted as saying. "We're always having to play through stuff like that. Eventually it became a problem I couldn't tune out anymore. My shoulder isn't treating me like a man anymore. If I was white it wouldn't be hurting me and I'd still be playing." Team doctors have not yet established a time line for Sheffield's return, but they are certain he will miss the upcoming series between the Tigers and Yankees. When told of this, Sheffield called the doctors a bunch of racists too.
God Takes Wrong Scooter As Fox Sports Continues to Explain the Obvious Heaven, NJ -  Earlier this week baseball fans across the globe were deeply saddened to learn that Hall of Fame shortstop Phil Rizzuto had passed away.  In a rare slip up in heaven this week, Saint Peter has admitted to taking the wrong "Scooter". After watching the MLB Game of the Week on Fox this past Sunday, God expressed his extreme displeasure with "Scooter", Fox's animated talking baseball. Saint Peter, who was watching the game with God, thought he was talking about the former Yankee shortstop, not the annoying know-it-all baseball. "I was just trying to please my boss", Saint Peter said. "He expressed his displeasure with Scooter, so I brought him Scooter." Saint Peter has accepted full responsibility for what has been described by heaven administrators as an awful mistake. Said the Saint, "God had no intention of calling Rizzuto's number yesterday, I got the wrong Scooter." God had this to say about the unfortunate event, "We'll get 'em next time.  No one ever bats a thousand in baseball, so I can't expect anymore from Saint Pete. I guess I should be grateful that the other Scooter is still around to teach me that a curveball is a ball that curves, thanks Captain Obvious...I hate that friggen cartoon."
Red Sox Fans Finally Receive the Help They Need Boston, MA - After weeks of suffering from what has now been diagnosed as bipolar disease, it appears as though Red Sox fans are finally going to get they help they so desperately need. Doctors agreed Thursday morning to inject massive quantities of anti-depressants into the drinking water in the greater Boston area in hopes of stabilizing the psyche of the Nation. The doctors' decision comes on the heels of a week where Sox fans saw their lead over the second place New York Yankees shrink from 6 games, down to 5 games, then to 4 games, then back up to 5 games. The straw hat broke the camels back came Wednesday when the Sox had a chance to gain back another game, but fell just short in the 9th inning against the Devil Rays. Fans are relieved to finally have their sickness recognized and treated. Sox Super-Fan Pat Whalen is one such fan. "It was a tough week. One day I'm walking around on cloud nine, the next day I'm on the Tobin threatening to jump, then the next day I'm taking days off in late October just so I don't miss the World Series Parade, then I'm back up on the Tobin the next day. It got so bad my girlfriend left me, but screw her, she's a Yankee fan anyway." Experts are surprised that this disease is still lingering. Originally it was though that a cure had been found in October 2004, however it's back an this new strain of the disease is proving to be just as dangerous as ever. With the recent mass threats of suicide, doctors knew it was time to act. However, not everyone is pleased to hear that the disease is being treated. Radio Host I.M. Hornay from the local sports radio station had this to say, "I'm worried if they fix everyone then no one will ever call our station again. We need these reactionary morons to call the station. They our the lifeblood of our industry."
Giambi Avoids Steroid Suspension by Openly Doing Steroids New York, NY - In a press conference on Thursday, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced that he would not be banning Yankee first baseman Jason Giambi from any games for his use of illegal steroids. "Well, Jason was up front with us about his past steroids use and we respect his honesty," said Selig. "The reason we ban players is because they try to cover it up. We don't like when people lie to us. Anyone coming forth and admitting they did steroids will not be given a suspension for doing steroids." Within hours of Selig's announcement, outfielders Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield came forth to declare they too had done steroids, as recently as last week.  And retired stars Mark McGwire and Rafael Palmeiro have also scheduled meetings with Commissioner Selig next week, most likely to admit to using steroids during their careers.
MLB To Append Barry Bonds Home Run Total San Francisco, CA - Earlier this week, Barry Bonds hit what he thought was his 756th career home run, breaking Hank Aaron's career mark. However, on Thursday, after meeting with commissioner Bud Selig, Bonds learned that this was not the case. Finally answering the cries of baseball purists across the nation, Selig has decided to rule all home runs that Bonds hit while on steroids null and void. Statisticians worked on Friday to adjust Bonds' career total. After looking over the new numbers it appears as thought what Bonds thought was the record breaking home run was really his 665th 'clean' home run, making the 757th he hit the next night his 666th. According to sources in the commissioner's office, Selig is not done. It appears as though for every home run that Bonds hits for the rest of his career, Selig will find a home run to take away. Thus meaning that Barry Bonds will finish his career with 666 home runs. "We struggled to determine which home runs were legitimate and which home runs were added by an illegal substance", Selig said. "So instead of taking a wild stab, we decided to come up with a number that really represents Barry, and stick to that.