Archived Basketball "News"
Mathematicians Rejoice as Butler's Streak of Improbable Wins Comes to an End Indianapolis, IN - When Gordon Hayward's last-second shot to win the game hit the rim on Monday, it sure felt like Duke fans were the only ones celebrating. Butler, the incredible underdog story of this year's NCAA tournament, had finally run out of gas. It seemed an entire nation was behind the little engine from Indiana that almost could. But Blue Devil fans weren't the only group who didn't board the Butler train. Math teachers from across the country also breathed a collective sigh of relief following Duke's completely-expected 61-59 victory. "You try getting your students to believe in fundemental laws of statistics while a team like Butler does the impossible," said Milton Pendleton, a 10th grade math teacher from Terre Haute. "When #14 Ohio upset #3 Georgetown I almost got laughed right out of the classroom," continued Pendleton. "Although I guess we can't complain too much. Between the Yankees winning the World Series and Ricky Martin coming out of the closet, it's been a pretty good year for us."
Steve Nash Wins NBA's First "Best Sidekick Award" Phoenix, AZ - It started off with a trade that saw Shaquille O'Neal spend weeks on the Phoenix Suns' bench.  From the day Shaq arrived, he made Steve Nash play second fiddle.  Said Shaq, "Superman never had a sidekick, just like me, but to make Nash feel at home, I paid for a Superman Jr. tattoo for him."  Steve Nash, a six-time all-star and two-time MVP, has been taking Shaq's comments in stride.  Said Nash, "Can Shaq play hockey, or soccer?  Can he pass, run the court or shoot 50% from the free throw line?  Can he drive around in Phoenix in anything nicer than a Honda Accord without being pulled over by some white cops....didn't think so."
Magic Johnson Admits He Was 'Just Kidding' About the Whole HIV Thing Malibu, CA - Basketball legend Irvin "Magic" Johnson released an autobiography earlier this week in which the former Los Angeles Laker confessed he never really had HIV. "It was a publicity stunt plain and simple," said Johnson in his tell-all book entitled "Memoirs of a Magic Johnson". "I was retiring and did not want to fall out of the spotlight. I hadn't really thought it through but the years went by and people still believed it so I went with it." "After a while I had to come clean. I mean, eventually people would be like 'How is that guy not dead yet?'" Johnson hopes his new clean bill of health may pave the way to a comeback in the NBA. "There's a lot of desparate teams out there in the state of New York, I'm sure I could find a spot somewhere."
Wichita St. Shockers To Change School Logo Wichita, KS - School administrators at 11,000-student Wichita State University announced on Tuesday that they would be updating their team logo ahead of the 2007-2008 college basketball season. In recent years, dozens of schools across the country have been forced by the NCAA governing body to change their names from Native-American-related terms to more sensitive monikers. In an atmosphere where tradition is so important, few schools have actually changed their look voluntarily like Wichita State. "We thought an update to our image was badly needed," said Wichita State athletic director Robert Peeler. "We've gained national exposure through the March Madness tournament over the past few years and we're afraid everyone thinks we're just a bunch of midwestern farmers. Our old logo showing stalks of wheat sure didn't help." "Fact of the matter is we don't even know what shocking has to do with growing wheat," Peeler continued. "We noticed our student body using some sort of hand gesture during basketball games and decided that was as good an image as any so we went with it." Wichita St. men's basketball regular season begins November 24 at home against Wyoming.
When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Some Prune Juice Portland, OR - Greg Oden, the first overall pick in this year's NBA draft, was dealt a major blow Thursday afternoon when exploratory knee surgery revealed damage that will sideline him for the entire 2007-2008 season. The finding in Oden's knee left Trailblazer team doctors perplexed.   "We've never seen this kind of damage in the knee of someone who's still just a teenager," said Dr. Leo Marvin. "We've also never seen such wrinkly skin or gray beard hairs on a 19-year-old's body. It's a mystery even his children and grandchildren couldn't answer for us." In reaction to the medical news and his year-off, Oden announced he will spend the next year as the spokesman for AARP.  "I think early retirement has kind of a nice ring to it actually", said Oden.  "Next season I'll start hocking adult diapers. This is the life!"
Celtics Looking to Bring Miller, Auerbach Out of Retirement Boston, MA - In what has been a very busy off-season for the Boston Celtics, the franchise continued their whirlwind of activity on Thursday by announcing attempts to bring two NBA legends out of retirement for this season. Reports in the morning were that the Celtics were interested in signing five-time all-star Reggie Miller out of retirement. Miller, the face of the Indiana Pacers for 18 seasons, has been out of the game for two years. On the heels of this annoucement was the news that plans were in the works to bring Red Auerbach back to coach the new-look C's this Fall, replacing Doc Rivers at the helm. "The logistics of bringing back Reggie are much simpler than they are in getting Red back out there," said Celitcs' general manager Danny Ainge. "But we're confident we can get both projects done in time for the start of the regular season." When asked about the prospect of playing under Auerbach, newly-acquired Kevin Garnett had this to say: "Any time you can play for a legend like Red it's a real honor. I'm looking forward to having him there on the bench, just letting each of us play our game."
Vegas Puts Odds on Donaghy Mafia Hit at 2-to-1 Las Vegas, NV - In the latest chapter of the NBA-referee betting scandal that has rocked that league to its core,  Las Vegas odds makers earlier this week unveiled their opening lines on a Donaghy mafia hit. Several top sports books in Sin City posted the odds as high as 2-to-1 on Donaghy getting rubbed out, with an over/under date as early as August 3rd. "We are seeing some big money come in on the under," said Bren Marshall, spokesman for a major casino on the Vegas Strip. "I wouldn't be surprised to see that date move to August 1st or even into July." "With basketball season over," Marshall continued, "we know of at least one high roller out there who is familiar with the Donaghy situation and is looking for something to bet on."
Kobe Bryant Sending His Rape Victims Mixed Signals Los Angeles, CA - Kobe Bryant just can not seem to make up his mind lately.  According to testimonials given to police by several rape victims throughout the Southern California area, the Lakers' star appears to have much trouble when having to make a decision.  The police reports contain detailed accounts of encounters between Bryant and as many as 17 women between the ages of 16 and 58. Apparently he has trouble choosing an age group as well. A few victims were willing to be interviewed under the condition of anonymity. One such woman was 31-year-old Tara Felix of Newport Beach, CA.  The 5'6"-inch brunette with brown eyes had this to say, "He never seemed too sure of what he was doing." "At first he forced himself on me in the elevator. But then he wanted to go into a utility closet, and then he said he wanted to go back to the elevator. Then he showed me some grainy video of him saying how he hated elevators and preferred utility closets." Almost every report included similar accounts of a confused Bryant, unsure of where to commit his crime. Police have yet to press charges on the Lakers' shooting guard.
Cavs' Players Looking Forward to Much-Needed Rest During NBA Finals San Antonio, TX - As the NBA playoffs approach their two-month anniversary this week, players gearing up for the final series are feeling the effects of a long and grueling season. Fatigue has forced many players for both the Spurs and Cavaliers to play through nagging injuries.  Luckily for Cleveland, their star Lebron James has taken the team on his shoulders, allowing his mates to rest during the final minutes of recent games. "In that last game against Detroit I had no gas left in the tank," said Cavs' point guard Larry Hughes. "I took a nap at the free throw line figuring I'd just sleep it off and come back strong in game 7. I woke up to some cheering and sure enough we'd won." Cavaliers' coach Mike Brown is hopeful the extra rest will give his squad the advantage over an aging Spurs team. "Everyone praises the Spurs for playing well as a team," said Brown. "But they all get tired playing that way. By taking some time off on the court our guys will have more energy which I think will give us the edge in this series." Game 1 of the NBA finals is Thursday in San Antonio.
Celtics Determined that This Years Lottery Failure Will Help Them Win Boston, MA - In another blow to their once proud franchise, the Boston Celtics learned on Tuesday that they had received the fifth pick in the 2007 NBA draft, despite the fact that they had the second worst record in the league.  By missing out on Greg Oden and Kevin Durant Celtic fans are convinced that their lottery position will ensure that 2008 will be another year of losing, however Celtics President Danny Ainge isn't so sure. "I think this means good things for the Celtics. Losing out on Oden and Durant this year hurt, but without them I'm convinced that we can finally win." Now you may be asking how drafting a second tier player over an elite player would help the Celtics return to greatness, but Ainge explains. "My goal is to do something that no other Celtics team has done, and that is to win the lottery and get the number one pick. Winning championships is old hat for this franchise, what we want is the honor of picking first. We lost this year and we lost in '97 when Duncan was available. But we won't lose again."
The Hoff Drops Dirk As Mavericks Face Elimination Dallas, TX – It was a tough week for the top-seeded Dallas Mavericks. The Mavs are on the brink of elimination trailing 3 games to 2 to the lowly eighth-seeded Golden State Warriors. Facing this uphill battle, the Mavericks need all the friends they can get, most notably their star and probable NBA MVP Dirk Nowitzki.  Nowitzki however might have to go it alone, as reports surfaced that Nowitzki’s number one fan, David Hasselhoff, had dropped him out of his Top 8 Friends on MySpace. The international pop star is reportedly disgusted with Nowitzki’s less-than-stellar play in this series and doesn’t want to be associated with someone who might tarnish his career success. “I’ve been at this for years,” Hasselhoff said.  It’s taken me nearly twenty years and four international platinum albums to get where I am.  The last thing I need at this stage in my career is a guy who can’t shoot singing my songs while he is at the free throw line.” This prompted the Hoff to take Nowitzki out of his Top 8. “Hopefully this will send him a message that I’m not into mediocrity.  I didn’t take him completely off my list, but I replaced him at the top with Taylor Hicks from American Idol.  That guy sings so beautifully, it makes me cry.”
Study: African-Americans More Likely to Foul, Be Fouled, Score, Do Anything in NBA New York, NY - Earlier this week a study surfaced that accused white referees in the National Football League of calling more penalties on black players than on whites. These findings have prompted NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to launch an investigation into the matter. But a far more disturbing report was released Wednesday that has NBA on-court officials under fire as well. A new study similar to that of the NFL has found that white referees in that sport are also more likely to call a foul on black players rather than whites. Current statistics show that 78% of fouls are called on players of African-American descent  The study also found that 91% of NBA players were of black heritage. Said player representative Latrell Sprewell, "Back in the day, I choked my coach PJ Carlesimo, I got fined, suspended and all kinds of shit.  That woulda never happened if there was a black commissioner. This league has no street cred at all." Current NBA commissioner, the white jewish David Stern, has not announced any plan of action the league might take to recify this situation.
Celtics Woes Continue As Team Struggles to Tank Season Boston, MA - The once-proud Boston Celtics are in the midst of one of their most forgettable seasons ever. The C's have occupied the basement of the NBA's Eastern Conference for much of the year and earlier this season suffered through the worst losing streak in team history. Weeks ago there appeared to be a silver lining in the team's misery when college hoopsters Greg Oden and Kevin Durant began emerging as legitmate stars ready to make the jump to the professional ranks. However the Celtics road to a draft day bonanza has recently hit a snag as the team has begun winning games it has no business winning.  Wednesday night the Celts took a double overtime stunner against the playoff contending Orlando Magic. Said Celtics' captain Paul Pierce, "I'm at a loss. I really don't know what more we can do to try to lose these games. We've got Doc at the helm, I'm playing injured, and we've given playing time to Brian Scalabrine." The Celtics stand at 22-49 with 11 games remaining.
NCAA Tournament Gives Tools Around The Nation A Moment In the Spotlight Everywhere, USA – Tools across the nation celebrated their success this week in every office pool. For the first time in the history of the NCAA tournament, there were no major upsets, as all number one seeds and three of the number two seeds advanced to College Basketball’s Elite Eight, rewarding losers who pick the higher seed in every game. Super Tool Terry Walston chimed in on his recent success. ”I’ve been playing in these things for like fourteen years, each year picking every number one and number two seed to make the final eight.  I can’t believe how fortunate I was this year that it finally came true.” Never before has the NCAA tournament rewarded more people who had no idea what they were doing and only picked the higher seed.  According to NCAA sources, if this ever happens again, the NCAA is going to adopt a BCS system similar to College Football, just to make sure these tools never have another moment of triumph.
Shaq's Committment to Offense Finally Rewarded Las Vegas, NV - Shaquille O'Neal has never been known as a man who likes to hustle. He is often seen guarding the logo at center court during the other teams' fast breaks. To Shaq's credit, no logo has ever registered a point while he's been on the floor.   But at Sunday's NBA All-Star game, while representing the Eastern Conference powerhouse Miami Heat, Shaq's lethargic, lackluster  defense was finally acknowledged and rewarded. O'Neal was named the Western Conference Offensive Player of the Game for his contributions to their 153-132 victory. Following the game Shaq had this to say, "Did Kobe win it?  No he didn't, Shaq Diesel won it, now get me some ICY-HOT, bitch!"  It is not clear whether an Icy-Hot patch was in fact retrieved for O'Neal after the comment.
Branson, Missouri Offers to Host 2008 NBA All-Star Game Branson, MO - With the city of Las Vegas playing host to this season's NBA All-Star weekend, Branson, Missouri, the entertainment capital of the Midwest, has been inspired to throw its own hat into the ring. Patrick Nolan, mayor of Branson, announced Wednesday that his community has offered its services to the NBA as host city for next year's all star weekend festivities. "We've always thought of ourselves as the Las Vegas of the Heartland," said Childs. "We have just as many live musical acts as Vegas does so we're confident the players will have as good a time here in our city as they will this year. That's why we contacted the NBA, it's an excellent opportunity for both of us." The league has not yet made a decision, but did inquire into if Branson had begun allowing African-Americans within their city limits yet.
The Way of the Master Boston, MA – The Boston Celtics, fresh off of their 18 game losing streak, see greener pastures ahead. After being reneged in their efforts to land Allen Iverson, the Celtics acquired much needed veteran leadership on Wednesday night when they acquired Brett Favre from the Green Bay Packers. The transition from football to basketball might be difficult for the 37 year old Favre, but the Celtics Coach Doc Rivers isn’t worried. “Listen, we know Brett hasn’t played basketball since high school but what he brings to this team in the form of veteran leadership, will more than make up for his lack of basketball experience.” The leadership that the Celtics are looking for is leadership on how to turn the ball over. “He is the master at tanking games. There is no one that sells it any better than Brett. He’ll lead the team on a long drive, make it look like they are going to score, and then throw a critical interception. Best of all he’ll make the fans think he gives a crap when he cries after the game. The guy is the total package.”  When asked why the Celtics, who have almost no shot at making the playoffs, would invest time and energy in a 37 year old washed up quarterback, Rivers has this to say. “I can’t think of a better guy for our rookies and kids to learn from. He’s a professional in every sense of the word. He’s so committed to his craft that even his favorite food is the apple turnover. We’re going to do everything in our power to get the number one pick.”
Greg Oden Working Hard To Improve Draft Position Columbus, OH – Ohio State’s fast start and top five ranking has got Buckeye fans thinking about a National Championship. However there are still a few questions the 19-3 Buckeye’s need to answer, namely the less than spectacular play of Freshman-phenom Greg Oden. Don’t count Oden as one of those who isn’t pleased, telling reporters that his less than spectacular stats are all part of his master plan. “Everyone kept telling me how great I was going to be this year.  I was able to get a lot of them off of my back when I broke my hand, but now they’re all over me again.” Oden’s poor play has led many to question whether or not the center would be the first pick if he were to declare himself eligible for the 2007 NBA Draft. Oden addressed this possibility. “I find myself not trying too hard in games, which is hard because I’m so good. I’m trying to fly under the radar. If I do too well, I’d probably be a top 5 pick, meaning I’d have to go to a lousy team like the Grizzlies or Celtics. I’m hoping that if I sleepwalk through this year I can be a late round draft pick and go to someone like the Lakers or the Spurs.” Oden’s hard work seems to be paying off.  Early mock drafts have Texas’ Freshman Kevin Durant as the consensus number one pick. But Oden still has a little way to go to drop to the late first round. “I’m almost there, I’m thinking about failing a drug test or crashing the SUV the school bought me into a pack of kids, of course that would make me be more appealing to a team like Portland, so I have to make sure I choose my next step carefully.”
Report: Steve Nash's Parents Ashamed of Their Son's Lack of Hockey Skills Victoria, British Columbia - The Nash's, like any other Canadian family, love their hockey.  So it comes as no surprise that father John and mother Jean wanted nothing more than for their children to grow up and play in the NHL. But early on the couple could tell something was wrong with their son, Steve.  He didn't look comfortable in his skates and started spending more time on the basketball court than in the hockey rink. Today, Steve Nash is the NBA's 2-time reigning Most Valuable Player, and is well on his way to a third-straight award this season.  While short in stature, he has silenced critics by dominating the league with his passing ability and jump shot. But despite all his success, Steve Nash still has failed to impress his parents. "He still looks uncomfortable on the ice," said John Nash. "His slapshot could definitely use some work and he lacks toughness out there. I'm thinking of sending him to a hockey camp this summer."
Do Unto Others… Trenton, NJ – Fate made an unexpected appearance in the sports world this week when New Jersey Nets' point guard Jason Kidd filed for divorce from his wife of ten years, Joumana. In court papers filed Tuesday, Kidd said his wife physically and mentally abused him, threatened to make false domestic violence complaints against him to police, and interfered with his relationship with his children. Reporters for fourballs.com were able to catch up with Fate and ask about the sudden decision to intervene. “I’ve been looking at this one for years, and finally decided that it was time that I get involved. It wasn’t a question of if, but when. This guy had it coming to him. It shouldn’t be a surprise to Jason, I always come back around.” Spousal abuse is not new to the Kidds who were involved in a domestic violence matter six years ago, back when Jason was playing for the Phoenix Suns. He was arrested after his wife told police he slapped her in the face during an argument about feeding their son. Karma, Kismet, Chance and Luck could not be reached for comment
Carmelo Anthony Becomes Eligible for WNBA Draft Denver, CO – New York Knick Mardy Collins lured the Denver Nuggets Carmelo Anthony into a fight...and then into the WNBA?  That’s what executives are saying after consulting the official rules of the NBA.  According to Section 4:A.9.3 of the collective bargaining agreement, “If a player throws a 'sucker punch' he gains street cred, However, if this same player subsequently runs away from the 'sucker punchee' like a little girl, this womanly act officially makes him/her eligible for the next WNBA draft.  Anthony told reporters that he was going to mull over his next move during his upcoming 15 game suspension stating that the WNBA is an attractive possibility.  When asked what else he would be doing during his unplanned vacation Anthony excitedly told reporters that he was going to go ‘shopping for a new purse’ and ‘totally get a French manicure’.
Starbury to be Renamed Mediocrebury New York, NY – Stephon Marbury didn’t shoot well on Wednesday night.  His jump shot was described by some as even cheaper looking than his new sneakers (Starbury One, available at Steve and Barry’s for $14.98).  However, the look of Marbury’s jumper doesn’t matter, victories do.  And that’s just what the Knicks got as they defeated the Memphis Grizzlies in triple overtime. After the game Marbury, the Knicks starting point and shooting guard, met with the New York media and told them about his new approach to the upcoming NBA season.  "I found out you can get an MVP for assists not just points, that’s off the hook!  They told me about some dude named Magic who used to look to pass first, which is crazy, but yo, he won an MVP.  So I figure, if my jumper isn’t falling, and it never is, then maybe I’ll pass the ball.  I’ll tell you now though, no matter what, I’m not passing to Stevie Francis, he shoots worse than I do." With their Opening Night victory in the books, the Knicks are now projected to go 1-81.
Hang Nail Found on Paul Pierce's Foot, Expected to Miss an Additional 2-3 Months Boston, MA - Things went from bad to worse for the Boston Celtics' and their star Paul Pierce on Wednesday. Pierce has already been forced out of the lineup for his team's final two games of the pre-season with an infected papercut on one of his fingers. But during an examination by team doctors on the "injured" finger Wednesday, a terrible hang nail was also discovered on Pierce's right foot, prompting Celtics officials to shut down the star at least until Christmas. "We dont want to take any chances with Paul," said team executive Andrew Starr. "We think a three month rest will be the best thing for this franchise in the long run. We're confident that Wally Szczerbiak's durability and leadership can keep this squad afloat until Paul is back to 100%." Pierce was seen leaving the Celtics training facility Thursday morning on crutches wearing a full leg cast, too weak to comment to the media.
White Stiffs Across The Country Get Another Chance Oakland, CA – The Golden State Warriors left their ever-dwindling season ticket holders miffed earlier this week when they announced that they were replacing head coach Mike Montgomery with 66-year-old former Warrior coach, Don Nelson.  Nelson who is well known for his obsession for having the tallest players in the NBA, has not coached in the NBA since stepping down from the same position with the Dallas Mavericks in March, 2005.  Although this is terrible news for fans of the Warriors, it is great news for washed-up white players. Nelson's first act as coach was his announcement that he had signed former NBA players Gheorghe Muresan and Shawn Bradley.  Although Muresan and Bradley were forced to retire because of foot problems, Nelson thinks he’s figured out a way to keep both of them on the court. “I’m going to put them both in front of the other teams basket and only have three guys go up on offense.  These guys might not have been successful in the past, but man, they’re both over seven feet tall!  Can you imagine all the shots they’re going to block?” Nelson’s crazy antics have not gone unnoticed.  After hearing of his plans for the Warriors, New York Knicks' general manager and head coach Isiah Thomas announced that he was looking to sign former NBA centers Rik Smits and Mark Eaton in order to better match up with the Warriors the two times they play them this year.
Raleigh-Area Sports Fans Mob City's Streets Following UNC Basketball's First Practice Raleigh, NC - The streets of North Carolina's capital city were packed with thousands of happy revelers on Monday night, all there to celebrate the first practice of UNC's basketball team.  Earlier in the day, the Tar Heels hoops team held their first optional shoot-around session of the summer in nearby Chapel Hill. "This is a huge day for Carolina," said long-time Tar Heel fan, Ben Fay. "This means so much to the community here, we've all been desperately waiting for this day to come since their last game back in March." Fans packed bars and restaurants throughout Raleigh, most decked out from head to toe in sky-blue attire to show support for their favorite team. UNC looks to return to the elite of college basketball after a rebuilding year in 2005. The Tar Heels were the national champions in 2004. In other North Carolina sports news, Raleigh's hockey team, the Carolina Hurricanes, captured the Stanley Cup.
Report: Mark Cuban Hates The Miami Heat Dallas, TX - Infamous Mavericks' owner Mark Cuban lashed out at all-things-Florida in his first public appearance since his team's 4-2 loss to the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals earlier this week.  During a 20-minute tirade in front of reporters, Cuban went surprisingly easy on his long-time nemesis, NBA commissioner David Stern. The Mavs' owner was also somewhat gracious toward Shaquille O'Neal and the rest of his Heat teammates, deciding to instead target the hot south Florida summers. "The Miami heat is outrageous," exclaimed Cuban. "You can't even walk a block in that city without sweating through your shirt! At least it's a dry heat here in Dallas so it doesn't feel as sticky and nasty. I've never seen humidity like that. Let it be known that I hate the Miami heat!" When pressed for his thoughts on the officiating in the final series of the season, Cuban said calmly that he believed the referees did a good job in general.
Shaq of Steel Miami, FL -  After skipping post-game press conferences following both games one and two of the NBA finals, Shaquille O’Neal finally decided to address his critics after a game three win Tuesday.  “You know I’m Superman, everyone knows that.  But what they don’t realize is that I’m playing out the first Superman trilogy.  Up to now, I was acting like Superman I, now I’ve moved on to the sequel.  This year, I gave up my super powers to pursue a mortal human being love interest (see Last week's 'Shaq can only bang Lohan with Kryptonite condom'). "So now that Dirk is all up in my grill, pretending like he is General Zod, I decided I need my super powers back, which I get from using my Icy/Hot wearable patch.” Reporters were confused by the former MVP's speech.  Charles Barkley of ESPN had this to say,  “What the fuck?  I liked him better when he shut his fat mouth.  The NBA needs to start testing for crazy pills.”
Rasheed Wallace Guarantees Pistons Will Lose Conference Finals to the Heat   Detroit, MI - Two weeks ago Rasheed Wallace made a prediction that his Pistons would defeat the Cleveland Cavaliers in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals.  That guarantee was proven wrong by Lebron James and the Cavs who won and evened the series 2-2.    The Pistons have since won that series and now have their backs against the wall in the next round, trailing the Miami Heat 3-2.  In an attempt to comeback to win a third straight Conference title, Rasheed Wallace created quite a stir on Thursday when he guaranteed that the Pistons would lose the series with Miami.    "My predictions aren't as good as they used to be, man," said Wallace during an off-day workout. "So it's like this, I figure if I guarantee they'll win, then they'll lose. And if they lose, then that'll mean that we won. And that's what we're trying to do here is win."    Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals is Friday night in Miami.
What Ever Will He Do? Detroit, MI – You would think that with a one game lead and new found home court advantage over the defending Eastern Conference Champion Detroit Pistons that Miami Heat Coach Pat Riley would be on top of the world.  But according to team officials, Riley did not sleep well on Wednesday night.  Riley wasn’t tossing and turning all night over the pros and cons of the zone defense or whether or not his team would once again utilize the “Hack-A-Ben”, but instead on what hairstyle he would sport for Thursday night’s Game 2. That’s right.  Riley, who is known for his slicked back hair, is going to have to find a new hairstyle, and fast.  The reason behind the change is not a long overdue attempt to keep up with fashion trends or because of a lost bet with his team, but instead because of the ever-rising cost of oil. Riley’s hairdresser Gary Limpwrist met with reports on Wednesday morning and had this to say, “With crude oil hitting nearly $70 a barrel, there’s no way we can continue to grease up Pat’s head.  Each day, it would cost a near fortune to make Pat presentable.  We can’t keep taking it in the jaw on this.” As of Thursday morning Riley was entertaining the idea of going with a “faux-hawk” or possibly going with the timeless classic “boy number one”.
Lebron James Taken Out for Ice Cream to Celebrate Game 5 Win   Cleveland, OH - Young basketball star Lebron James enjoyed a perfect finish to a perfect day on Wednesday. His 32-points in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals were enough to lead his Cavaliers to a 3-2 series lead.    But the evening got even better for little Lebron after the game when his proud parents announced they'd be stopping at Dairy Queen on the way home to celebrate the win.    "Our Lebron had such a good game tonight," gushed Mrs. James. "We wanted to celebrate what a great job he did against those boys from Detroit. He even got all his homework done for tomorrow so we couldn't be happier with him."    The Cavs star ordered a Coffee Heath Bar Blizzard and was allowed to get the large size by his mommy.
Plays Well With Others, Make that Play Well With Others     Miami, FL – Miami Heat forward Antoine Walker achieved a career milestone on Tuesday night by racking up his first ever assist.      "Its like this yo, I got me in a Fantasy League, and I needed some assists to pass Chris Dudley and move into the league lead, so I see Shaq under the hoop, and the big man is always calling for the ball."      Walker, who is notorious for shooting whenever he touches the ball, went a record 769 games without an assist.  When asked if fans can expect to see a new and improved Employee #8, Walker had this to say,     "Don't think the 'Toine is changing his game, it killed me to pass that rock off.  So now that I’ve locked up my fantasy league I’ll be back to the chucker you all know and love.  I felt like an ass trying to do the ‘Toine Wiggle after an assist.  It’s so much cooler after I hit an ill-advised three pointer.  So passing isn’t for me."      Unfortunately, Fantasy Leagues don’t track any defensive categories, so it could be another 769 games until he plays a lick of D.
Brown Nosing   New York, NY – New York Knicks’ head coach Larry Brown has had a change of heart. Brown is currently coaching a Knicks squad that gave him an ulcer with the worst record in the NBA.      Coach Brown had a warning to all those coaches out there that don’t like the current situation that their team is in: "You don't know what you got till you lose it."      When asked about his days back in Philadelphia coaching the troubled Allen Iverson, Brown had this to say, "Assault charges, gun possession?  Missing the postseason by one game!  Shit, I'd take a choking from Sprewell to have a team like that back."     "I'd love a return to the glory days.  I’d even go so far as to go to the hospital in order to get away from these guys.  But hey, this is a rebuilding period, it's not like we hired a bunch of ringers for our team.  Its not like we have we have the highest payroll in basketba……umm….er how bout those Yankees."
Unlucky Day for the Fans Boston, MA – Fans of the Boston Celtics will be forced to go through the last five games of the season without their team mascot, Lucky.  According to a report released by the team on Sunday, “Lucky has become disillusioned with the world of mascoting and has left the team in search of a different pot of gold.”     The end of Lucky’s reign began midway through the 4th quarter of the Celtics' loss to the New York Knicks when Lucky was no longer able to “pump up the crowd.”     Season Ticket holder Charlie McDonough had a courtside seat to Lucky’s demise. “Lucky kept waving his hands trying to get the people up and out of their seats but the crowd was unresponsive.  He couldn’t even get them to the “Garden Level” noise level.  He even tried the t-shirt cannon, but it didn’t work.  It was like all the fans finally realized that they could get a similar shirt in the pro shop for $5 and didn’t need to make an ass of themselves trying to get a free one.” Celtics' General Manager Danny Ainge who was disappointed that Lucky had left the team, promised that he was looking to guard Dan Dickau, who is signed through the 2008 Season to take Lucky’s place. “He’s short, he’s white and he’s otherwise useless.  He’s a natural replacement.”
City of New York Honors Isiah Thomas    New York, NY -  The City of New York announced on Wednesday that the management job done by Isiah Thomas has not gone unnoticed.  City officials have agreed to honor the job Thomas has done with the Knicks this season by augmenting one of their most famous landmarks, Lady Liberty.  In addition to the facial reconstruction, the City has agreed to change the wording at Ellis Island to read:      “Give me your tired, your weak of heart, your bloated contracts,       Your huddled masses yearning to breath free of winning.       The wretched teammates from every shore.       Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me.       I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”      Following Wednesday’s 123-98 drubbing on their homecourt by their rival the Boston Celtics, Thomas said, “I’m so very honored by what the city has done for me.  I give them credit for realizing how hard it must have been for me to assemble a team that makes a good coach like Larry Brown look so bad.  But I’m not done.  To any GM out there that regrets giving a maximum deal to a mediocre player: call me.  I bankrupted the CBA, by god, I’ll bankrupt the Knicks."
City of Indianapolis Excited to Finally Host a Champion    Indianapolis, IN - Sports fans across the country are buzzing with the kick off of the annual NCAA men's basketball tournament on Thursday. But no other city can match the excitement found in Indianapolis this week, site of the 2006 Final Four.    Just two weeks away, Indianapolis' RCA Dome eagerly awaits its first-ever opportunity to host a champion. But sixty college basketball games must be played over the next two weekends before the top four teams are extended an invitation to Indy.    "We just can't believe it. I dont think it's really sunk in around here yet," said RCA Dome employee Jack Klumpus. "Not just this building, but this whole city has never played host to a winner. I mean, we have that race track, but a champ in a real sport, that's something special."     The two semifinal games will be played on Saturday, April 1st, with the winners meeting in the final game on Monday, April 3rd.
Need A Job?     Houston, TX – Strip club owners in Houston, Texas are not going to get caught with their pants around their ankles.  Instead they are taking a proactive approach and by calling for all young women looking to enter the adult entertainment industry to come on down to Texas.  The reason?  They are convinced that later this year there is going to be a drastic shortage in dancers.       Buck “Big Daddy” Carson, owner of Buck’s Sugar Shack, had this to say, “With the NBA All Star Game down here this year, we’re expecting the worst.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see 60% to 70% of the girls going out on maternity leave 9 months from now.”      Buck’s estimates are shared by many.  Experts originally thought the number would be closer to 20%, but adjusted their thinking after learning that both Kobe Bryant and Rasheed Wallace would be in Houston...all weekend long.
I Took Your Picture…     Boston, MA – Boston Celtics' Coach Doc Rivers admitted to the media following last nights crushing double overtime loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers, that he is in fact being blackmailed by Celtics Forward Brian Scalabrine.     It is still unclear how Scalabrine is blackmailing Rivers, although a report out of Boston earlier today said pictures of Rivers, in a pink dress holding a picture of Clay Aiken, were quickly circulating on the internet.     Rivers’ revelation ends weeks of speculation by media members and Celtics fans alike.     Season ticket holder Danny Murphy had this to say, “I ain’t surprised by this at all.  I didn’t think Doc was retarded.  I’ve been saying to my brother Sully for the last month that the only reason Doc is still playing this guy is because he’s got nudie pictures of him or something.  Every time he touches the ball…BOOM….turnover…or BOOM…missed three-pointer.  The guy makes me miss Mark Blount.”      As of this hour it is still unclear what blackmail material that Scalabrine has on Celtics GM, Danny Ainge who signed Scalabrine to a 5-year $15 million dollar deal this past offseason.
Hornets' Ownership Demands New Arena From Oklahoma City         Oklahoma City, OK - The honeymoon is apparently over between the Hornets franchise and their adopted home of Oklahoma City. The capital city was selected to host the team's home games for the 2005-06 season when the Hornets were displaced from New Orleans due to Hurricane Katrina.         But after playing just four games at Oklahoma City's Ford Center, Hornets' ownership has begun to grow dissatisfied with their arrangement.        "The Hornets' ownership group feels it can not compete in today's NBA landscape given the current arena situation," said Hornets' P.R. director Colin O'Brien. "A request has been made by team management that a new facility be constructed using Oklahoma tax dollars."        "Team management understands that such a project requires time, but feels strongly it is important that the team play as many games this season in the new arena as is possible."        The Hornets spokesman went on to say that plans to return the team to its home in New Orleans next season are still intact.
Ron Artest Enjoys First Brawl-Free Game Since Last November         Orlando, FL - Indiana Pacers' forward Ron Artest enjoyed a career milestone Wednesday night when he played in his first brawl-less game in nearly a year. Artest registered zero punches along with 16 points, three rebounds and five assists in the Pacers' 90-78 win over the Magic.         The last time Artest made it through an entire basketball game without a violent incident was November 17, 2004, an emotionless 7-point victory over the Atlanta Hawks. The Pacers' next game, against the division rival Pistons, marked the beginning of the streak. That night was made forever infamous when Artest and his teammates stormed the stands in Detroit in what became the worst malee in NBA history.        When asked about the fight that started it all, Artest replied, "I am sick of talking about it really. That guy got what was coming to him. I attacked him because he refused to buy my new rap CD, which you can easily find at any Strawberries Music and Video location throughout the country for just $15.99."
Coach K Knows the Way           DURHAM, N.C. – As reported earlier in the week by the Associated Press, Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski will be selected to coach the USA Men’s Basketball Team in the 2006 World Championships and the 2008 Beijing Olympics.  The official announcement is due later this month.             According to the Chair of the USOC National Governing Bodies’ Council Robert Marbut, the decision is not only final, but was an easy one to make.        “Coach Krzyzewski’s exemplary track record of coaching in big time games as well as his experience coaching pampered millionaire athletes at Duke, made him the obvious choice.  If anyone knows how to manage paid athletes, it’s Coach K.”          Krzyzewski, will be the first college coach to run a U.S. men's basketball team at the Worlds or Olympics since NBA players joined the team in 1992.          The American men will be looking to improve upon their sixth place finish at the 2002 world championships in Indianapolis and bronze medal performance at the 2004 Athens Olympics.
WNBA Star Blames Aunt Flo for Her Poor Playing     Seattle, WA - Seattle Storm guard Sue Bird's woes continued on the hardcourt Thursday with another lackluster performance in a 46-39 defeat to the Connecticut Sun.  The loss marked the third game in a row that Bird has failed to reach her league-leading average of 12 points-per-game.    Following the game the Storm star was quick to redirect fault for her poor showing.    "I have to put the blame for this slump squarely on the shoulders of my Aunt Flo," said Bird. "She has been staying with me for the past week and has been nothing but a pain in my side. She keeps me up at night so that I end up coming to the arena feeling tired and sick."      Bird concluded the press conference by saying, "Lately I've seen a little less of Flo, so hopefully she'll be gone soon."
Shaq Shooting for a Different Kind of Three-Peat Hollywood, CA - Miami Heat star Shaquille O'Neal will reportedly miss the first week of the 2005-06 NBA season in order to finish filming the second installment of his box office hit Kazaam, tentatively titled "Kazaam II – Back in the Lamp".  The 7'1 actor found the role challenging, yet extremely rewarding.  "I lived with a retired genie for two months and studied his every move.  I want this role to be a slam dunk!"   Shaq claims that this sequel will clear up any plot holes left by the first film.  A prequel is already being planned to clear up the plot holes made by this sequel.
Basketball Headlines that you may have missed…
Yao Ming First Player to Thank Buddha for Allowing Him to Play Well			IRA Disarmament Costs Celtics All of Their Offensive Weapons			Larry Brown Doing "Heck of a Job"; Being Considered for High-Ranking Homeland Security Position.			Eddy Curry No Longer Has the Heart for the Game
Mark Blount To Change Number to 420			Swoopes Quits Hoops to Become Panthers' Cheerleader			Dick Vitale Selected To Coach At American School For The Deaf			Yessss! Marv Albert Violates Probabtion By Biting Another Hooker's Head
Shawn Kemp Begins Marathon Shopping Spree For Mothers' Day Gifts			Kobe Bryant Finishes Denver Roadtrip Rape-Free			Pacers Offer Artest to the Eagles for T.O.			Mini-Me to Take Dan Dickau’s Spot As Small White Stiff On Celtics
Campus Report: Duke Guard JJ Redick Carefully Preparing to be Next NBA Bust			Yao Ming to Order American Food on New Year's Eve			Vin Baker Calls LeBron to Wish Him a Happy 21st Birthday			Grant Hill Returns to Injured List After Career-High Ninth Game of Season
Washington Generals Drop 700th Straight to Globetrotters			Isiah Thomas Accused of Screwing Over Someone Other Than Knicks Fans			Kings' Fans Given Complimentary Self-Defense Classes in Light of Artest Trade			Kobe Scores 81 Last Week, Scores Girl Born in '87 This Week
Hawks' Players Excited as NBA Trade Deadline Approaches			New York Knicks Expected to Miss Playoffs By Only 30 Games Following Steve Francis Trade			Judge Orders March to Take Anger Management Classes to Better Control its Madness			Chris Webber Sends Misbehaving Son into "Timeout" for a Seventh Time
UConn's Josh Boone Expected to Be First Pick in Upcoming WNBA Draft			Roy Williams' "I couldn't give a shit about North Carolina right now" Proves True 3 Years Later After Second Round NCAA Defeat			NIT Proudly Crowns S. Carolina "66th Best Team in the Country"			Spike in Same-Sex Marriages in Mass. Strangely Coincides With Women's Final Four Held in Boston
Charles Barkley Found To Be Gambling On More Than Just His Health			Level-3 Sex Offenders Across the Nation Excited Lakers Might Draft Them			ESPN Plans New Show “Kobe On Girls That Don’t Want Him On Them” to Follow “Bonds on Bonds”			Mark Cuban's Bowl Cut Violates NBA Dress Code; Faces $200K Fine
Rasheed Wallace Skips Post Game Meal after Eating Crow During Game 5 Loss to Cavaliers			Brown Out in NY:  Isiah Thomas Says 'Any Idiot Can Win 30 Games In NBA'			Isiah Thomas Predicts Knicks Will Win 15 Games Next Year With Him At the Helm			Detroit Drug Dealers' Sales Double After Rasheed and Pistons Eliminated From NBA Playoffs
Shawn Kemp Eagerly Awaiting Gift Bonanza on Sunday			JJ Reddick’s DUI Conviction Propels Him to Number One on Portland's Draft List			Alonzo Mourning To Trade NBA Championship Ring For A Kidney			Isiah Thomas Loses Sleep Over Excitement of Screwing Up Another Draft
Isiah Makes The Impossible Possible By Rendering Spike Lee Speechless after Renaldo Balkman is Knicks’ 1st Round Selection			USA Basketball Says Anything Less than 6th Place in Upcoming Olympics Will Be Disappointing			WNBA Slam Dunk Contest to be Held on Moon			Fourballs Abandons “NBA Preview Column” As Polls Show No One Cares About the NBA
Red Auerbach’s Ashes To Be Spread in Ashtrays in Every NBA City			Celtics’ Fans Jealous of Knicks’ Head Coach			Allen Iverson Vetoes Trade to Charlotte and a Senate Bill on Same Day			Ron Artest Demands Trade To Nuggets Because He Likes How They Fight
Bobby Knight Now Leads Dean Smith By One in Number of Chairs Thrown Across the Court			Stephen Jackson Disappointed to Learn Trade to “Warriors” Doesn’t Mean He Can Use His Gun			Carlos Boozer’s Leg Injury Allowing Him to Focus on His True Love…Drinking			Cameron Crazies Diagnosed as Perfectly Sane, Just a Bunch of Jackasses
Michael Richards and Mel Gibson Ask Tim Hardaway to Hang Out			Wisconsin Basketball Spends Entire 17 Hours as #1-Ranked Team in Nation Drunk off Their Asses			Pac-Man Jones Named Strip Club Man of the Year			Shaun Livingston’s Injury Video Makes Joe Theisman Cringe in Terror
UT's Kevin Durant declares 'Bracketology' as his college major			March Madness Only a Slight Annoyance This Year			Record 75% of Men Across the Country Call Out of Work Thursday and Friday with NCAA Flu			Report: Kobe Bryant Not Only Flails Arms When He Shoots, But Also When He Rapes
Artest's Wife Throws Beer at Him, Starts Domestic Dispute			Women's Final Four Apparently Occurred This Week			Don Imus Named WNBA President Because “He Understands the Players”			Suspended NBA Referee Joey Crawford Immediately Picked Up by the NFL for Playoff Games
Greg Oden Declares Himself Eligible for 5 Years of Rebuilding			Shaq Changes Superman Tattoo to Lousy Superman Returns Tattoo to Better Reflect His Play			Kobe Bryant Demands Trade To Team That Will Let Him Rape			FIFA Invites Spurs to 2010 World Cup After Watching Them Fake Fouls So Well
Greg Oden Purchases a Senior-Discount Movie Ticket and Isn’t Carded			Billy Donovan Snubs Magic For Gators Because He Can Pay His Players More At Florida			Cleveland Cavaliers Excited About Their Upcoming Weekend Tee Time			Game Four of NBA Finals Gets Bumped to Versus Network
Fans With Well-Worn “Duncan #21” Celtics Jerseys Arrested at Spurs Victory Parade			Greg Oden Looking Forward to Choking PJ Carlisimo			Experts Say New Insulation Can Prevent An NBA Draft			Kevin McHale Disappointed NBA Won’t Allow Him to Trade Self to Celtics
Penny Hardaway Signs With Heat for $0.01, Wishes Parents Had Named Him 'Million'			Vols' Coach Pat Summit Files for Divorce Upon Realizing She Married A Dude			USA Basketball Looking Forward to Having Another Set of Bronze Medals			Anucha Browne Sanders' $11.6 Payout Makes Her the 3rd Worst Contract on the Knicks
Bulls, Lakers and Kings Agree To Throw In Each Players' Parole Officers To Make the Trade Work			43-Year-Old Greg Oden To Retire After Blazers Prove They Can Win Without Him			15-Year Study Concludes No Link Between Distracting Fans and Missed Free Throws			Memphis Tigers Relieved Not to See New York Giants on Schedule
Greg Oden Comes Out of Retirement to Practice With the Blazers			Bracketology Majors Across the Country Busy Cramming For Exams			Chris Webber Calls His Final Time Out			Fans Across Nation Looking Forward to Ignoring Least-Exciting March Madness Finals Ever
UConn Women's Basketball Proves Playing Out Season Was Huge Waste of Time
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Archived Football "News"
Giants' Strahan Needs Help Again East Rutherford, NJ - Michael Strahan has achieved a lot over the course of his 15-year career in the National Football League. He's made the Pro Bowl on seven different occasions and played in one Super Bowl. The Giants' defensive end is regarded as one of the most well-respected players in the National Football League. His stature has garnered him much help during his career, from teammates, opponents, and now, Giants' management.  "Michael is clearly having difficulty retiring," said Giants' general manager Jerry Reese in a phone interview on Wednesday. "For all the years of service he's put in for this franchise, it's our duty to help him end his career. That is why we refused to offer him a competitive contract during this offseason." "Just like Brett Favre did a few years back, we too are proud to help Michael achieve another milestone," Reese concluded.
Michael Vick Still Betting on Dog Fighting Atlanta, GA – The old adage remains true: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Weeks after being accused of hosting dog fights at his house on Moonlight Road in rural Smithfield, Virginia, Michael Vick was back at it again last Saturday night, once again hosting a fight featuring two dogs. However, this time the fight did not feature two canines but instead featured two fellow NFL players. The players identified as former University of Georgia Bulldog Richard Seymour now of the New England Patriots and former Washington Huskie and current Tampa Bay Buccaneer Jerramy Stevens squared off in a fight to the death shortly after midnight. “I just can’t get it out of my system,” Vick said. “I’m addicted to it like people are addicted to cigarettes or drinking. You can’t just expect me to stop cold turkey. There’s just something about watching two dogs trying to kill each other.” NFL sources were unsure whether or not the fight was illegal and therefore are waiting until they have clarification if they can add it to the list of charges against Vick. PETA director Laura Koch however quickly came out against these fights with the statement, “We will protect all dogs, even former dogs.”
U.S. Postal Service Names Michael Vick its "Man of the Year" Washington DC - There may be over five months left of this year, but the United States Postal Service has their man for 2007. The USPS announced from its headquarters on Tuesday that it has named Atlanta Falcons' quarterback Michael Vick its "Man of the Year 2007." Recent weeks have seen many organizations try to distance themselves from Vick, stemming from his alleged criminal involvement in a dog-fighting ring on his very own property. But the Postal Service believes it has found a true hero in their new official spokesman. "His committment to destroying the species that has tormented us for years is undeniable, and for that we champion Michael Vick," said USPS official Mike Hayes. "The dog has been a leech on human society for too long, we feel that not only should the charges against Vick be dropped, but that dog fighting should be encouraged throughout the country." The USPS also unveiled plans for a Michael Vick commemorative stamp to be issued sometime early in 2008.
Brett Favre New Poster Boy For Bi-Polar Disease Green Bay, WI – NFL fans across the globe solved one of the greatest mysteries in sports earlier this week when it was revealed that Brett Favre suffers from bi-polar disease.  Favre, who won back-to-back MVP’s in the mid-90’s, mysteriously morphed into one of the worst quarterbacks in NFL history. His quick downfall puzzled many NFL pundits, however Dr. Adrian Ober’s diagnosis this week gave closure to one of the NFL’s biggest quandaries. It was a tough week for Favre.  First he demanded a trade, then he said he wanted to stay in Green Bay, and that he was disappointed his team didn’t trade for Randy Moss, forgetting that Moss is a total head case and a locker room cancer.  Favre finished the week by announcing that he would not go to the upcoming mini-camp.  Enter Dr. Ober with her diagnosis that Favre has bi-polar disease and her belief that he will most likely announce early next week that he is going to go to mini-camp. Dr. Ober met with reporters and explained how she was able to diagnose Favre. “His play the last few years was my first clue.  He kept throwing interceptions, seemingly forgetting who was on his team.  Then with the bizarre statements he was making, about wanting to be traded, then not wanting to be traded, and finally his constant press conferences about what he was doing, acting like he was still a star in the league and that people actually gave a shit about what his plans were.  It was a simple diagnosis, first-year-med-school easy.” Teams around the NFL are worried that this diagnosis might lead to Favre throwing less interceptions and are already petitioning the league to make bi-polar medicine a restricted substance.
Who’s Your Daddy Foxboro, MA – It seems that the hip thing to do these days is claim that you are the parent of a celebrity child.  On the heels of the now-six men that have claimed to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, women across the country are alleging that Tom Brady is the father of their unborn baby. At least 7 women have come forward and said that the Patriots QB recently impregnated them.  Brady however is denying all allegations. “There’s no way that all of them are carrying my kid.  I was only in San Diego and Indianapolis for a week, then two weeks at the Super Bowl, so that’s what four, maybe five.” After news of Brady’s possible babies circulated, Brady received another dozen offers from ladies looking for Brady to sire their babies.  The Oakland Raiders are reportedly interested in drafting at least one of these unborn children with the first pick in the upcoming draft.
Super Scandal Indianapolis, IN – It was the perfect scenario, a black coach finally winning the Super Bowl, and during Black History Month to boot.  However reports out of Miami this week are proving that it was too perfect of a story when fans around the world learned that Super Bowl winning coach Tony Dungy really isn’t black, he’s white. The shocking news came as Dungy met with reporters back in Indianapolis and his not so dark complexion was even lighter.  When questioned again about his heritage, Dungy finally came clean. “I was a huge fan of the movie ‘Soul Man’ when I was younger.  You know, the movie about the white kid that takes tanning pills in order to become black and get a scholarship to Harvard.  I never felt guilty about it until Michael Richards, who tanned too long in that episode of Seinfeld, came out as a racist.  That hurt.  It just became too much for me to handle.  So a week before the Super Bowl, I finally stopped taking the pills.” Chicago Bears Coach Lovie Smith is disappointed that Dungy has been lying for all of these years and regrets not trying harder during the Super Bowl. “I figured it would be alright if I lost to Dungy, at least a black coach would win. If I had known he was white, I would have tried harder during the game, and I definitely wouldn’t have started Rex Grossman.” The only winner in this whole debacle is the media, who is already licking their lips at the prospect of once again reporting over and over again about a black coach finally winning the Super Bowl.  In an ideal world the media will get their chance next year with a Super Bowl match-up between the Bears’ Lovie Smith and Steelers’ new coach Mike Tomlin, who are both definitely black.
AA Sues to Get All SuperBowl Ads Pulled Off the Air Milwaukee, WI - Alcoholics Anonymous, the national organization established to help those recovering from alcohol abuse, has filed suit against several corporations for running commericals that AA deemed to be offensive during last weekend's Superbowl.  The move comes just two days after Gay Rights groups forced Snickers to pull a Superbowl ad they believed to be homophobic. "All our members have had trouble resisting urges to drink alcohol at one time or another," said AA spokeswoman Anne Bryson. "I think it was completely inappropriate for Budweiser to run all those commericals promoting their products to such a large audience." "Also we are going after various car companies that advertised during the Superbowl. Most of our members have had their licenses revoked for DUI's, making them relive those painful memories was completely uncalled for. In that same light, we have a case going against Careerbuilder.com since most of our members have been fired from their jobs." If AA wins their lawsuits it would leave GoDaddy.com's spot as the only commercial still airing on television.
Gary, Indiana Apparently Already the Victim of SuperBowl Rioting Gary, IN - Superbowl XVI might still days away, but the city of Gary, Indiana, which stands between both Chicago and Indianapolis, is already feeling its after-effects.  While the outcome of the big game between the Bears and the Colts will not be determined until Sunday night, it seems as though postgame rioting by unruly fans has already taken place.  Gary police have said that no actual reports of civil unrest have been called in to them, but burned-out cars, damaged or run-down storefronts, and massive amounts of garabge strewn about can be seen throughout the entire city. Residents are clearly displeased with the authorities' inability to stop rioting fans. "Everyday I leave my house for work I walk the streets in fear," said long time Gary inhabitant Andrew Pearl. "It doesn't matter if you're a Bears' fan or a Colts' fan, we all have to deal with this mess on a daily basis, and frankly we're getting sick of it."
Satan Mounts Newly-Purchased Peyton Manning Soul on Wall in Office Hades, Underworld - The hot, fiery walls of Hell's main office have a new addition this week, much to the delight of the Prince of Darkness. Early Sunday morning, the Devil completed a trade for the new wall decoration with Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. "The dope traded me his soul for a win in the AFC Championship game," said an excited Satan. "It was a no-brainer since sporting events are such an easy thing for me to fix. If I had an ounce of integrity I'd probably feel guilty about the deal." Even before Manning and the Colts had put the finishing touches on their win over the New England Patriots at the RCA Dome on Sunday night, the quarterback's soul had already been framed and mounted. "It looks great up there on my wall," continued Satan. "I put it next to the soul of Red Sox Nation which I bought back in 2004. That one cost me 8 wins but it was totally worth it too. The souls really bring the whole room together nicely."
Michael Vick busted by former RA turned-Airport Rent-A-Cop Miami, FL – Earlier this week Michael Vick made headlines when he was searched at a Miami airport and was found carrying a water bottle that had a secret compartment containing a substance that smelled like marijuana. Vick had this to say, "A similar thing happened to me my junior year of college when my R.A. (Resident Assistant) caught me at the dorm with what he thought was weed. I told him that it was oregano and that if he let me off I would hook him up with a cheerleader." A reliable source has informed fourballs.com that it was actually the same R.A., who earlier this year achieved R.A. greatness by becoming an Airport-Rent-A-Cop, was the one who busted Vick. Vick once again claimed innocence. “It wasn't oregano this time and it certainly wasn’t weed. It was the medicine I’ve been taking to keep my herpes from flaring up.” The R.A. is reportedly still bitter that Vick never hooked him up in college, and that he’s still a virgin. But all is not lost, the R.A. is willing to forgive and forget if Vick can still get him that cheerleader he was promised.
Rex Grossman Already Preparing for Super Bowl XLI Chicago, IL – Although there is still a week and a half until Super Bowl XLI, Rex Grossman has already begun his preparation for the big game. Grossman, who admitted to not preparing for his team's final game on New Years' Eve against the Green Bay Packers, has vowed not to be caught unprepared this time. Grossman has reportedly been seen around the Bears locker room repeatedly hitting the thumb on his throwing hand with a hammer. His coach Lovie Smith has taken notice, and is proud that the quarterback he has stuck with all year is working hard to prove him right. “Rex is willing to do anything it takes to win, and he’s showing it this week. Rex has been studying tapes of Peyton Manning and how he prepares for games. He’s been doing everything, right on down to getting daily treatment on his bad thumb. He’s committed himself to being just as prepared as Peyton. If we don’t win the Super Bowl, it won’t be because he’s unprepared, it’ll be because of the bad thumb.” Bears back-up quarterback Brian Griese has been taking a majority of the snaps in this week's practices while Grossman rests his thumb.
NFL Vows to Avoid An “Oops I Did It Again” Situation New York, NY - It appears as though Britney Spears couldn’t buy a break from Meineke spokesman George Foreman. In another example of how the mighty have fallen, Spears announced this week that she has agreed to sing at the Pee-Wee Football Superbowl half-time show. This announcement comes on the heels of her agent’s offer earlier this week for Brit to perform during the NFL Halftime show (annually sponsored by Kids-R-Us and ShittyMusic.com). The NFL denied her request, sighting such reasons as her having no musical talent, no longer having the body that sold so many awful records, her sagging ass, her sagging sales, her being dumped by K-Fed, both sets of her loose lips, and last but certainly not least, the fear of a Nipple-gate '07 involving a singer that is currently breastfeeding.
The Smell of a Champion San Diego, CA – You can knock League MVP LaDainian Tomlinson down, but you can’t keep him down for long. After his top seeded San Diego Chargers fell to the New England Patriots in last weeks AFC Division Final, Tomlinson found a way to turn his disappointment into a stroke of marketing genius, announcing that he was coming out with a new fragrance for men named ‘Classy.’ The name comes from post game comments that Tomlinson made about the Patriots celebration. In his post game press conference Tomlinson referred to himself as a ‘classy’ guy. Reporters and NFL analysts quickly came to Tomlinson’s defense, and to a man referred to Tomlinson as a ‘classy’ guy and that he was just upset after only touching the ball nine times in the second half. Tomlinson spoke about his new cologne. “This cologne speaks to everything that I represent. It’s strong, it’s manly, and above all, it’s ‘Classy.’ Even if a guy is a loser, and doesn’t come through in big situations, he can wear this cologne and be ‘Classy.’ Best of all, when you wear this cologne, no matter what you say, you’re ‘Classy.’”
Chargers Fight To Get All Flights Out of New England Cancelled San Diego, CA - As the top team in the AFC this season, the San Diego Chargers assured themselves that every one of their playoff games en route to the Superbowl would be played at Qualcomm Stadium.  The team could not be taking their homefield advantage more seriously. On Monday, the Chargers announced that they would not be selling tickets to this weekend's game against the Patriots to anyone who does not have an address in Southern California. The team stepped up its effort on Thursday by negotiating with the FAA to get all air traffic out of the New England area grounded between now and Sunday's 4:15 kickoff. "We earned this right as Conference champs," said Chargers' coach Marty Shottenheimer. "Home field advantage is huge in the playoffs, it's why I kept LT in games way longer than I should have on several occasions." It is still unclear how the Patriots charter will manage to get the team out of Boston, nevermind the hundreds of commercial flights that would be ordinarily be leaving out of the region during that time.
Several Bengals Players in Trouble With Law for Associating with Other Felons Cinncinnati, OH - The widely-publicized legal battles of the Cincinnati Bengals continued this week when several members of the team were arrested for violating the terms of their probations. The newest charges occured on the Bengals' first offensive drive in their Monday night contest against the Colts in Indianapolis. Following a kick return, the Bengals huddled on the field, as offenses normally do, to call their first play. Indiana State Troopers that were on hand at the RCA Dome that night immediately stepped onto the playing field and handcuffed five Cincinnati players that were already on probabtion for earlier offenses. The players were arrested and charged with "conspiring with other known felons", a clear violation of the terms of each of their probations.  The consequences of such charges will vary among each conspirator, ranging from fines to off-season jail time. It is not clear whether authorities will also pursue action against the players for traveling over state lines to participate in the game.
Tom Brady’s Bad Luck Continues Foxboro, MA – Fans will have to forgive New England Patriots’ quarter Tom Brady if he isn’t fully focused on his team's upcoming battle against the Jacksonville Jaguars, he’s had a tough last few weeks. It all began for Brady last week when gossip tabloids broke the story that Brady and his longtime girlfriend Bridget Moynahan had split. However, Brady was able to shake off the post relationship depression and defeat the Houston Texans. It remains to be seen how he will react this week after two more snubs. This week was equally as miserable for the Patriots' QB. On Wednesday the AFC Pro Bowl team was announced and that Brady was not one of the three quarterbacks named to the squad.  Peyton Manning, Carson Palmer and Phillip Rivers earned the nod. Brady’s week got worse when fourballs reporters learned that one of the guys that beat him out, Phillip Rivers, was seen at a San Diego hot spot cuddled up with Brady’s ex Bridget Moynahan. Brady fought back in his press conference on Thursday. “Phillip got Bridget but I got his number three wide receiver Reche Caldwell at the start of this season, so I think we’re even. We’ll see which one of them helps us win a playoff game. Not to mention, he has to spend 6 months in Jacksonville, have you ever been to Jacksonville?” When photos of Caldwell and Moynahan were compared by fourballs reporters, we gave the nod to Rivers.  Fourballs took it a step farther and compared the amount of drops each has had this year, and once again, we gave the nod to Rivers. Brady’s only hope now is a possible second round playoff matchup against Rivers' Chargers. Hopefully Moynahan won’t be in the crowd.
Peyton Manning and Brian Urlacher Seen Singing 'Wish You Were Here' to Each Other at Local Kareoke Bar Gary, IN - Patty O'Shamrock's Irish Pub had never had one famous person ever walk through their doors in sixteen years. On Tuesday night, bartenders and patrons alike were shocked to see two enter their local drinking establishment. The two celebrities they witnessed that night were Indianapolis Colts' quarterback Peyton Manning and Chicago Bears' linebacker Brian Urlacher.  The pair reportedly arrived at Patty's shortly after 8:00 Tuesday evening, and after a few rounds of beers, even sang a kareoke duet together. Manning and Urlacher's song selection was Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" which, according to several people at the bar that night, the two men appeared to sing to each other. It is not clear if the two men are both fans of Pink Floyd or if there was more to the story than that. Neither player could be reached for a comment as to why they chose that particular song.
Jeff Garcia Signs With Captain Morgan’s Philadelphia, PA – A month ago, the Philadelphia Eagles were dead in the water.  Fans thought the season was over when quarterback Donovan McNabb tore his ACL. At the time the Eagles were 5-5 and all seemed lost. However, the Eagles found an unlikely savior in retread quarterback Jeff Garcia. Now Garcia is looking to cash in on his new found fame. He announced on Thursday that he had signed a 6-year contract to be the exclusive spokesman for Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum.  Captain Morgan’s President Darrell Claiborne provided details on his company’s choice of Garcia. “Jeff embodies everything that we are looking for in a spokesman.  He’s good looking and his team is winning. But Jeff takes it a step farther with the way that he lives his life, he’s a perfect fit for our branding.” The decision behind signing Garcia centers on Captain Morgan’s recent aggressive advertising campaign centering around their tagline, “Got a little Captain in you?” Claiborne went on to describe Captain Morgan’s vision. “Our slogan is perfect for Jeff. There isn’t a Saturday night that goes by that Jeff doesn’t have a Captain, or an Admiral or even Joe Common Fan inside of him.”
Stiff Penalties At USC Los Angeles, CA – A report surfaced Wednesday night that head coach Pete Carroll's last regular-season game as USC coach was Saturday’s loss to inter-state rival UCLA. Thursday morning proved that nothing could be further from the truth. Instead of firing their coach, the university has given Carroll even more control over the team, including the ability to take away the houses and the cars that the school had given to Trojan players and their families.  The reason for this drastic move was Carroll’s dissatisfaction with his team’s failure to make the BCS Championship Game. Quarterback John David Booty was one of the players affected by Carroll’s punishment. “I came to USC because they take care of their players and their families.  Now this.  I spent the morning filling out transfer papers.  I’m going to go to the University of Miami where they still know how to treat their players.” Booty wasn’t the only one to speak out against USC’s new self imposed sanctions.  Trojan’s wide receive Dwayne Jarrett was equally disappointed. “They took care of (Reggie) Bush and (Matt) Leinart last year, they should take care of us.  How am I supposed to concentrate on playing a game when I don’t wake up in my condo on the beach or have my Lexus SUV to get me to practice?” USC is scheduled to meet Michigan in the Rose Bowl on New Years Day.
LT Feeling Like An Idiot For Drafting Shawn Alexander First in Last September's Fantasy Draft San Diego, CA - The saying 'hindsight is 20/20' is not very comforting to Chargers' running back LaDainian Tomlinson these days. Currently located in seventh place in his fantasy football league, LT's "Lightning Bolts" squad is in danger of missing the playoffs this season. Many experts watching the league closely attribute Tomlinson's disappointing season to a poor draft back in September, one in which the Lightning Bolts' GM selected Shawn Alexander with the first overall pick. "I wasn't sure how good a season I was going to have in real life," said Tomlinson in an interview. "I was nervous about playing with Phil [Rivers] who was untested until now and Shawn was coming off a Superbowl year. I just thought he was the better pick at the time, who knew he'd get hurt and I'd end up the fantasy stud I've become." First place in the league belongs to Shawne Merriman's "Juice Guys" with a record of 10-2.
Duke Accepts Bid to Play in a Bowl Game Durham, NC – It’s been a difficult year for the Duke University Athletics Program. However all of their hard work and perseverance has finally paid off as the Duke Football team is on their way to their first College Football Bowl Game in years. Although Duke finished with a 0-12 record they were invited to play in the inaugural “Morning After Pill Bowl Game” against Al Gore Community College on December 28th in Cheboygan, Wisconsin. Head football coach Ted Roof is proud of his team’s accomplishments. “It took us awhile to come together as a team.  We had 10 new players on our team this year, all of them transferred over from the lacrosse team, so it took a while for us to gel.” The 10 transfers from the lacrosse team have all been key contributors to this year’s Blue Devil team. Roof believes that the new players’ unique experiences will help them overcome their lack of football experience in their upcoming bowl game. “Most of these guys have never played football before this year.  Hell, some of them didn’t even know what a football was. But the one thing all of these guys know about is the Morning After Pill. That’s got to count for something, doesn’t it?” Al Gore Community College is favored by 13.5 points.
Cowboys' Parcells Makes Upgrade at Kicker Dallas, TX - In advance of a huge NFC East showdown with the Giants this weekend, Cowboys' head coach Bill Parcells made an upgrade at Dallas' kicker position. On Tuesday the team announced they had cut placekicker Mike Vanderjagt, and later in the week replaced him with veteran free agent Martin Gramatica. Statistically the NFL's all-time most accurate kicker, Vanderjagt has struggled this season for the Cowboys, including missing two field goal attempts against his former team, the Indianapolis Colts. Parcells, whose decision has been questioned by both his players and members of the media, attempted to explain himself in a press conference on Thursday. "I know that Mike is a good kicker. But he's human, he misses kicks from time to time. So when you look on the free agent wire and see someone called "Automatica", you have to go for it. When you have a choice between 'accurate' and 'automatic', then really it's an easy one to make." Vanderjagt was unavailable for comment but was spotted on Wednesday at a local bar getting drunk and mouthing off about Peyton Manning.
Favre Re-wins Starting Position The Old Fashioned Way…Injury Green Bay, WI – Green Bay Packers' quarterback Brett Favre kept his streak of 251 consecutive starts alive with his "not too bad for an old guy" performance in Sunday’s 35-0 loss to the New England Patriots. Favre won the equivalent of the quarterback lottery when he watched his backup, Aaron Rodgers break his foot in the third quarter of the same game.  Said Favre after his lackluster performance, "I’m riding out my career Cal Ripken style. Did Ripken sit down for a day when he hit .252 in 1987, or .250 in 1990, or .251 in 1992?  How about when he averaged over 25 errors a year between '83-'85?  The great ones keep on going, and that’s how I want to be remembered. Maybe they’ll do the equivalent of grooving me a pitch in the Pro Bowl a-la Ripken in the 2001 All Star Game and I’ll get to throw one last touchdown."  Favre is expected to be re-signed for the 2007 NFL season so that he can take a 5-month farewell tour at the expense of the fans of the Green Bay Packers and his team's chances of making the playoffs.
Peyton’s New Place Indianapolis, IN – The Indianapolis Colts stand atop the AFC South Division with a perfect 9-0 record, prompting talk of a possible undefeated season. However the Colts will have to attempt to join the ‘72 Dolphins without their starting quarterback and probable league MVP Peyton Manning. The shocking news came during Wednesday’s press conference. In what many thought would be a discussion of their upcoming game against the Dallas Cowboys, Peyton Manning announced that he was retiring from football effective immediately. Peyton was quick to explain what his next steps would be and how he had reached this surprising decision. “I’ve been offered a chance to star in my own sitcom. The programming executives at NBC saw my commercials and decided that I was a real talent.  My agent thinks my ‘Q’ rating will go through the roof once I get the helmet off and everyone can see my face.” When asked what the new show would be called and possible plot, Peyton began to answer, but quickly reverted to his old self and called an audible at the line. “The name of the show is going to be called ‘Peyton’s Place’.  It’s going to be about…  Well, I probably shouldn’t say anymore.  Let me just say that we have a couple of great writers and I’m confident this show could be better than ‘Seinfeld’.” Following his brief statement Manning quickly ended the press conference.  The abrupt end to his career has spurred a series of internet rumors about the real reason behind Manning’s retirement. According to team sources Manning might have severely injured his hand during the filming of a recent commercial when he mistakenly cut his thumb instead of ‘that meat’. Stay tuned.
Members of the Media Diagnosed With Amnesia After Predicting Colts' as SuperBowl XLI Champs New York, NY - Doctors at New York-Presbyterian hospital announced on Monday they had admitted several members of the sports media under their care.  The medical staff became alarmed when writers for many of the country's top sports publications put out articles declaring the Indianapolis Colts would be the winners of Superbowl XLI this winter. "The Colts' victory Sunday night against the Patriots in Foxboro was impressive. There's no doubt about that," said Dr. Richard Black, chief of neurosurgery at New York-Presbyterian. "But when all these highly respected writers came out on Monday morning with these predictions about the Colts it raised a lot of red flags to us in the medical community. Anyone who can clearly remember the last three football seasons would never make such a comment, especially not publicly. We just wanted to treat their symptoms early before their careers as reputable journalists were completely ruined." It is not certain how long the sports writers will remain in the hospital, but doctors are hoping a Colts' loss will be enough to cure the patients of their collective amnesia. Unfortunately Indianapolis plays host to the Buffalo Bills this Sunday.
Bill Parcells Turns To Food To Fight Depression Dallas, TX – The stunning events of Sunday’s 22-19 loss to division rival Washington Redskins has led Dallas Cowboys' Head Coach Bill Parcells spiraling into what friends are calling “a deep and dark depression.” According to family friend Brian Gill, Parcells locked himself in the coaches' office after Cowboys' kicker Mike Vanderjagt’s game winning field goal attempt was blocked and returned to the Cowboys' 30-yard line, setting up Nick Novak’s 47-yard game winning field goal.  “Bill’s been depressed before but never like this. As soon as the game was over he was on the phone with Domino’s ordering 3 large pizzas and two dozen buffalo wings.  I didn’t think too much of it until he called me later in the week and told me to go pick up some new clothes for him, cause his didn’t fit anymore.” Parcells' weight has fluctuated throughout his successful coaching career but never like this.  Gill went on to say that he was deeply concerned about the health of his friend. “He’s been big before.  This isn’t the first time he’s been in a size 50 pant.  The thing that I’m really concerned about is his bra size.  He’s moved all the way up to a 52 DD.” The Cowboys will try to get back on track this week against the Arizona Cardinals.
Sports Memorabilia Craze Helping the Divorce Rate Stay High Pittsburgh, PA – A recent report released by marriage councilors has shown a sharp spike in the divorce rate in cities that have NFL teams. Experts believe the reason for the sharp increase isn’t caused by husbands spending too much time watching the NFL Network but instead around the increasing popularity of “Fat Heads.” You might be asking, what is a “Fat Head?” A “Fat Head” is described as a life-size decal of an athlete that sports fans can put up on their wall. The acrylic decal can be moved from wall to wall by “peeling and replacing anytime, anywhere.” Sports super station ESPN runs commercials advertising “Fat Heads” every hour claiming it is the only way that a true sports fan can show his or her allegiance for their team. Kellie Nolan doesn’t agree and cites the arrival of a Ben Roethlisberger “Fat Head” as the final straw that led to her divorce. “I couldn’t take it anymore. The first time I walked into the living room it was next to the TV. The next time I came in, it was next to the couch. It got so ridiculous that Dave even moved it to the bedroom when we made love. I couldn’t go anywhere without seeing that stupid sticker. When he told me he was going to get a Troy Polamalou “Fat Head”, I called my lawyer and filed the papers.”
Merriman Helps Set Record San Diego, CA - Chargers' linebacker Shawne Merriman apologized to his teammates Monday, a day after it was reported that the second-year Pro Bowl player faces a possible four-game suspension for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy.  However Merriman maintained his innocence, blaming the positive steroid test on one of his over the counter supplements. Merriman’s plea of innocence keeps alive a streak of 1,000 athletes, all who have tested positive for a banned substance, claiming they are innocent.  Sports fan Bill Hamilton is in awe of the streak. “It’s amazing that it’s gone this long. This streak has crossed through multiple sports and multiple generations. All of these guys and girls claiming they’re innocent. You’d think one of these athletes would fess up and admit, but instead they blame it on a supplement or a vitamin B shot. I think this is more impressive than Joe DiMaggio’s hit streak and Peyton Manning’s  touchdown record combined.” It doesn’t appear this streak is going to end anytime soon, meaning the most impressive record in sports history continues.
Pining For the Pats Old QB Boston, MA – Five years ago the New England Patriots chose quarterback Tom Brady over incumbent quarterback Drew Bledsoe by trading him to the Buffalo Bills. The decision, at the time, was controversial amongst fans. Sure, Brady led the Pats to an upset over the heavily favored Rams, but Bledsoe was a former number-one pick, and his supporters argued that no player should ever lose his job to injury. Two more Super Bowl victories later, nearly all fans agree that Bill Belichick and the Patriots made the right decision. We say ‘nearly all’ because not every fan agrees. Enter Patriots’ super fan Kevin Murphy of Stoughton: “We’d be 6-0 if we had Drew. Bledsoe’s the best. It bothers me to no end every time I see Brady moving out of the pocket, avoiding the rush. I scream at the television, you’re a quarterback, stand in the pocket and take your lumps. How are you going to complete a pass moving around like that?  It’s retarded.” With Tony Romo taking over the Dallas Cowboy’s starting quarterback duties and Bledsoe on the bench, Murphy sees it as an opportunity to finally right a wrong. “The Cowboys aren’t going to play him. I say we trade for him. Lets give them Laurence Maroney and a number one pick. If that’s not enough, throw in a second round pick as well. We need him. Save the season and get him back here.  And while they’re at it, bring back Lawyer Milloy, that Harrison guy isn’t half the player Lawyer is.”
Dolphins Strip Rest of NFC North of QB's in Search of Reliable Starter Miami, FL - The Dolphins' disappointing 1-4 start to this season prompted team management this week to scour the National Football League for potential starting quarterbacks. The Fins' off-season acquisitions of quarterbacks Daunte Culpepper from Minnesota and Joey Harrington from Detroit have thus far proved to be disasterous. The team's stumbling out of the gate caused Miami general manager Randy Mueller to go back to the well on Wednesday, engineering deals for Packers' cornerstone Brett Favre and  Bears' underachiever Kyle Orton. "We feel the NFC North is one of the deeper divisions in the National Football League," said Mueller on Wednesday. "Tapping their pool of talent can only make our football club stronger. We just tapped the wrong guys last Summer, we think we got it right this time." No word on whether Gus Ferrotte had been contacted by team officials.
Terry Glenn Sits in Idling Car in Garage Just to Get Attention Fort Worth, TX - It appears the media circus that surrounded Terrell Owens' alleged suicide attempt last week has left his teammates envious of not just his on-the-field skills, but of all his attention as well. On Monday, Owens' fellow receiver Terry Glenn was found sitting in his car while it idled in his garage.  Terry's wife Illyana discovered her husband's apparent suicide attempt shortly after 4:30 in the afternoon. Reports say he'd been there for about 5 minutes honking the horn wildly as the car sat running. The door to the garage was open at the time. When Mrs. Glenn approached the car and asked the Cowboys' receiver what he was doing he reportedly looked dejected and asked "Where are all the cameras?" Bill Parcells could not be reached for comment.
Oakland Raiders to Be Replaced By Raiderettes Oakland, CA – It hasn’t been a good first month of the season for the once proud Oakland Raiders. With a quarter of the season in the books, the winless Raiders find themselves at the bottom of the AFC West with a 0-3 record. Critics blamed the poor start on the Raiders decision not to draft QB Matt Leinart and instead go with NFL retread Aaron Brooks. The ever fragile Brooks was hurt during the second game of the season. Many NFL pundits are predicting that the Raiders will be hard pressed to win more than 3 games this year. Despite the gloomy outlook, the Raiders are not quite ready to call the 2006 season a complete loss.  In an effort to shake things up, Raider owner Al Davis announced earlier this week that the Raider Cheerleaders the Raiderettes would take the field against cross bay rival San Francisco Forty-Niners this Sunday, and that the Raiders players would take over the cheerleading duties. In responding to reporters questions about his decision, Davis had this to say. “These guys stink. They throw like girls, they hit like girls, hell they play like girls. So I figured we might as well make them dress like girls. We figured we would replace them with the cheerleaders.  If we replaced them with real players it would be too much of a shock to our fans.  If I have to see one more grown man dressed like a dominatrix in silver face paint cry, I’m going to puke. I did this for them.” Although many see Davis’ decision to start the cheerleaders as controversial, it is not an unprecedented move. The Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals started a team of girls from 1987-1999.
Steelers Defense Vows to Payback Bengals for Their Nasty Comments Made During Last Year's Playoffs Pittsburgh, PA - The 2006 edition of the Steel Curtain defense is angry.  Not even last year's Superbowl victory could erase the chip on their shoulders they have had since their Wild Card round playoff game against the Cincinnati Bengals. On a play early in the contest back in Janaury, then-Steeler defensive tackle Kimo von Oelhoffen hit quarterback Carson Palmer's, injuring his knee, ending his and effectively the Bengals' season. Palmer has worked hard night and day all this off-season to rebuild his badly damaged knee and get back on the field this season. His comeback has been one of the more remarkable subplots in the young season. But comments made by several Bengals players to the media following the playoff game implied that they felt the Steelers intentionally injured their star QB. "Those statements by the Bengals really hurt our feelings," said Steelers' linebacker Joey Porter. "We've spent the entire off-season working hard in an effort to repair the damage they've done to our reputation. Now it's payback time for everything they said about us."
A New Spin on an Old Standby Pittsburgh, PA – Milton Bradley, the world renowned toy maker, announced on Wednesday that they would re-release a game that has amused children for years, this time with a modern update.  “Operation”, a game only mastered by players who are steady of hand as they try to remove various bones and organs from a playing field in the shape of a human, will be re-released under the new title, “Operation, Ben Roethlisberger.”  “We’ve had a tough time competing with the internet and with video game systems like Play Station and the XBox.  We needed to dress up an old standby, but make it more appealing to the modern day kid”, Hasbro CEO Michael Melvin said.   Roethlisberger, who has gone under the knife three times in the last nine months, once for his knees, once after a motorcycle crash, and most recently for his appendix, was tabbed as the star of this game in order to boost what market expert are calling an ever declining market in the board game industry. “We’re hoping to cash in on his immense popularity.  Not to mention, we’re pretty sure that he’s one Ray Lewis hit away from rupturing his spleen.  What kid wouldn’t have fun trying to remove Ben’s spleen in order to get him back out on the field in time to roll over the Cleveland Browns.”
Eli Drops to 0-2 in Manning Bowls New York, NY – New York Giants' quarterback Eli Manning knew he would get a second chance to beat a team led by a quarterback named Manning, hoping that some day his Giants would meet Peyton’s Colts in the Super Bowl.  However, he didn’t think it would come this soon.  A second chance was just what he got on Wednesday when the Giants' second team scrimmaged the first team, and taking the snaps under center for the Giants' bench players was none other than Archie Manning, Eli and Peyton’s daddy.  And once again, Eli was on the losing end. Archie Manning easily led the Giants' reserve squad to 31-0 victory as he threw three touchdowns and no interceptions.  Eli had difficulty once again hitting open receivers, fumbled three snaps, and threw two more interceptions in the loss. Archie Manning, who has been retired for twenty-two years, told reporters that he thought this would be the perfect time for him to come out of retirement. “After watching how terrible Eli was on Sunday night, I knew I could come back and be an effective quarterback in the NFL.  If they’ll give him the reigns to an NFL team, then they’ll give me, a 57-year-old guy with two bad knees, a chance.” Following the scrimmage, the Giants announced that they had agreed to a one-year contract with Archie.  Giants’ coach Tom Coughlin said he will announce who will start on Sunday against the Philadelphia Eagles, later this week.
Wannabe Jocks Across America Celebrate Release of Madden 2007 Parsippany, NJ - When the clock rang midnight on Wednesday video-game enthusiasts across the United States rejoiced as EA Sports' officially released its Madden 2007 for various game consoles. Electronics stores kept special hours to allow customers to purchase the new version of the popular football video game at the earliest possible time. The National Electronic Recreation and Development Society (N.E.R.D.S.) estimated that over 40,000 geeks waited in line to buy the latest installment of "Madden". According to NERDS, the 18-34 scrawny male demographic is the largest annual consumer of the game, while real life football players make up less than .1% of all users. I love the realistic game play, it gets more like the real thing every year, said longtime Madden fan Evan Dobelle. "I've owned every version of this game since back in the mid-1990's." When asked how he'd know what it feels like to play in an actual football game, Dobelle had no comment.
Steve McNair Car-Jacks Local Family as Part of Ravens' Initiation Bethesda, MD - Quarterback Steve McNair may have signed a contract with the National Football League team from Baltimore back on June 8th, but he did not officially became a Raven until this week.     In the final task of his Summer-long initiation process, Steve McNair successfully car-jacked a family of five at knife point on Tuesday evening.  The Hendersons of Chevy Chase, MD, were getting into their Dodge Grand Caravan with their 3 children at approximately 6:55pm EDT after a nice meal at the Bethesda Applebees. That is when the assailant McNair reportedly approached them and demanded the keys. Lawrence Henderson, 47, relinquished control of the minivan to the Ravens' quarterback without resistance. McNair then proceeded to drive the family to the Ravens practice facility 25 miles away in Owings Mills, MD where, unbeknownst to any of them, the team had a fully-catered barbeque awaiting them.   Upon their arrival the team declared McNair an official member of the Ravens organization and everyone enjoyed steak tips, ribs, and plenty of potato salad.
Your Fantasy Football Team Already Falling Apart at the Seams Yahoo.com - You escaped the wrath of your buddies last weekend by putting together what looked to be a solid squad at your fantasy football league draft. But the opening of the NFL preseason schedule proved to be a rough one as your "Dirty Pigskins" team suffered several setbacks this week. It began with your first round pick, Washington running back Clinton Portis, separating his shoulder in the Redskins' first game of the preseason on Monday.  Tuesday saw your kicker, the Colts' Adam Vinatieri, miss practice with a sprained left ankle. Then on Wednesday, wide receiver Koren Robinson, which appeared to be a steal for you in the tenth round, was arrested by Minnesota police on suspected DUI charges. You could not be reached for comment on any of the three players, but one general manager from your league, speaking on the condition of anonymity had this to say. "Wow that's great news. I will gladly take that chump's money. Thanks for playing!"