Archived Basketball "News"
Steve Nash Wins NBA's First "Best Sidekick Award" Phoenix, AZ - It started off with a trade that saw Shaquille O'Neal spend weeks on the Phoenix Suns' bench.  From the day Shaq arrived, he made Steve Nash play second fiddle.  Said Shaq, "Superman never had a sidekick, just like me, but to make Nash feel at home, I paid for a Superman Jr. tattoo for him."  Steve Nash, a six-time all-star and two-time MVP, has been taking Shaq's comments in stride.  Said Nash, "Can Shaq play hockey, or soccer?  Can he pass, run the court or shoot 50% from the free throw line?  Can he drive around in Phoenix in anything nicer than a Honda Accord without being pulled over by some white cops....didn't think so."
Magic Johnson Admits He Was 'Just Kidding' About the Whole HIV Thing Malibu, CA - Basketball legend Irvin "Magic" Johnson released an autobiography earlier this week in which the former Los Angeles Laker confessed he never really had HIV. "It was a publicity stunt plain and simple," said Johnson in his tell-all book entitled "Memoirs of a Magic Johnson". "I was retiring and did not want to fall out of the spotlight. I hadn't really thought it through but the years went by and people still believed it so I went with it." "After a while I had to come clean. I mean, eventually people would be like 'How is that guy not dead yet?'" Johnson hopes his new clean bill of health may pave the way to a comeback in the NBA. "There's a lot of desparate teams out there in the state of New York, I'm sure I could find a spot somewhere."
Wichita St. Shockers To Change School Logo Wichita, KS - School administrators at 11,000-student Wichita State University announced on Tuesday that they would be updating their team logo ahead of the 2007-2008 college basketball season. In recent years, dozens of schools across the country have been forced by the NCAA governing body to change their names from Native-American-related terms to more sensitive monikers. In an atmosphere where tradition is so important, few schools have actually changed their look voluntarily like Wichita State. "We thought an update to our image was badly needed," said Wichita State athletic director Robert Peeler. "We've gained national exposure through the March Madness tournament over the past few years and we're afraid everyone thinks we're just a bunch of midwestern farmers. Our old logo showing stalks of wheat sure didn't help." "Fact of the matter is we don't even know what shocking has to do with growing wheat," Peeler continued. "We noticed our student body using some sort of hand gesture during basketball games and decided that was as good an image as any so we went with it." Wichita St. men's basketball regular season begins November 24 at home against Wyoming.
When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Some Prune Juice Portland, OR - Greg Oden, the first overall pick in this year's NBA draft, was dealt a major blow Thursday afternoon when exploratory knee surgery revealed damage that will sideline him for the entire 2007-2008 season. The finding in Oden's knee left Trailblazer team doctors perplexed.   "We've never seen this kind of damage in the knee of someone who's still just a teenager," said Dr. Leo Marvin. "We've also never seen such wrinkly skin or gray beard hairs on a 19-year-old's body. It's a mystery even his children and grandchildren couldn't answer for us." In reaction to the medical news and his year-off, Oden announced he will spend the next year as the spokesman for AARP.  "I think early retirement has kind of a nice ring to it actually", said Oden.  "Next season I'll start hocking adult diapers. This is the life!"
Celtics Looking to Bring Miller, Auerbach Out of Retirement Boston, MA - In what has been a very busy off-season for the Boston Celtics, the franchise continued their whirlwind of activity on Thursday by announcing attempts to bring two NBA legends out of retirement for this season. Reports in the morning were that the Celtics were interested in signing five-time all-star Reggie Miller out of retirement. Miller, the face of the Indiana Pacers for 18 seasons, has been out of the game for two years. On the heels of this annoucement was the news that plans were in the works to bring Red Auerbach back to coach the new-look C's this Fall, replacing Doc Rivers at the helm. "The logistics of bringing back Reggie are much simpler than they are in getting Red back out there," said Celitcs' general manager Danny Ainge. "But we're confident we can get both projects done in time for the start of the regular season." When asked about the prospect of playing under Auerbach, newly-acquired Kevin Garnett had this to say: "Any time you can play for a legend like Red it's a real honor. I'm looking forward to having him there on the bench, just letting each of us play our game."
Vegas Puts Odds on Donaghy Mafia Hit at 2-to-1 Las Vegas, NV - In the latest chapter of the NBA-referee betting scandal that has rocked that league to its core,  Las Vegas odds makers earlier this week unveiled their opening lines on a Donaghy mafia hit. Several top sports books in Sin City posted the odds as high as 2-to-1 on Donaghy getting rubbed out, with an over/under date as early as August 3rd. "We are seeing some big money come in on the under," said Bren Marshall, spokesman for a major casino on the Vegas Strip. "I wouldn't be surprised to see that date move to August 1st or even into July." "With basketball season over," Marshall continued, "we know of at least one high roller out there who is familiar with the Donaghy situation and is looking for something to bet on."
Kobe Bryant Sending His Rape Victims Mixed Signals Los Angeles, CA - Kobe Bryant just can not seem to make up his mind lately.  According to testimonials given to police by several rape victims throughout the Southern California area, the Lakers' star appears to have much trouble when having to make a decision.  The police reports contain detailed accounts of encounters between Bryant and as many as 17 women between the ages of 16 and 58. Apparently he has trouble choosing an age group as well. A few victims were willing to be interviewed under the condition of anonymity. One such woman was 31-year-old Tara Felix of Newport Beach, CA.  The 5'6"-inch brunette with brown eyes had this to say, "He never seemed too sure of what he was doing." "At first he forced himself on me in the elevator. But then he wanted to go into a utility closet, and then he said he wanted to go back to the elevator. Then he showed me some grainy video of him saying how he hated elevators and preferred utility closets." Almost every report included similar accounts of a confused Bryant, unsure of where to commit his crime. Police have yet to press charges on the Lakers' shooting guard.
Cavs' Players Looking Forward to Much-Needed Rest During NBA Finals San Antonio, TX - As the NBA playoffs approach their two-month anniversary this week, players gearing up for the final series are feeling the effects of a long and grueling season. Fatigue has forced many players for both the Spurs and Cavaliers to play through nagging injuries.  Luckily for Cleveland, their star Lebron James has taken the team on his shoulders, allowing his mates to rest during the final minutes of recent games. "In that last game against Detroit I had no gas left in the tank," said Cavs' point guard Larry Hughes. "I took a nap at the free throw line figuring I'd just sleep it off and come back strong in game 7. I woke up to some cheering and sure enough we'd won." Cavaliers' coach Mike Brown is hopeful the extra rest will give his squad the advantage over an aging Spurs team. "Everyone praises the Spurs for playing well as a team," said Brown. "But they all get tired playing that way. By taking some time off on the court our guys will have more energy which I think will give us the edge in this series." Game 1 of the NBA finals is Thursday in San Antonio.
Celtics Determined that This Years Lottery Failure Will Help Them Win Boston, MA - In another blow to their once proud franchise, the Boston Celtics learned on Tuesday that they had received the fifth pick in the 2007 NBA draft, despite the fact that they had the second worst record in the league.  By missing out on Greg Oden and Kevin Durant Celtic fans are convinced that their lottery position will ensure that 2008 will be another year of losing, however Celtics President Danny Ainge isn't so sure. "I think this means good things for the Celtics. Losing out on Oden and Durant this year hurt, but without them I'm convinced that we can finally win." Now you may be asking how drafting a second tier player over an elite player would help the Celtics return to greatness, but Ainge explains. "My goal is to do something that no other Celtics team has done, and that is to win the lottery and get the number one pick. Winning championships is old hat for this franchise, what we want is the honor of picking first. We lost this year and we lost in '97 when Duncan was available. But we won't lose again."
The Hoff Drops Dirk As Mavericks Face Elimination Dallas, TX – It was a tough week for the top-seeded Dallas Mavericks. The Mavs are on the brink of elimination trailing 3 games to 2 to the lowly eighth-seeded Golden State Warriors. Facing this uphill battle, the Mavericks need all the friends they can get, most notably their star and probable NBA MVP Dirk Nowitzki.  Nowitzki however might have to go it alone, as reports surfaced that Nowitzki’s number one fan, David Hasselhoff, had dropped him out of his Top 8 Friends on MySpace. The international pop star is reportedly disgusted with Nowitzki’s less-than-stellar play in this series and doesn’t want to be associated with someone who might tarnish his career success. “I’ve been at this for years,” Hasselhoff said.  It’s taken me nearly twenty years and four international platinum albums to get where I am.  The last thing I need at this stage in my career is a guy who can’t shoot singing my songs while he is at the free throw line.” This prompted the Hoff to take Nowitzki out of his Top 8. “Hopefully this will send him a message that I’m not into mediocrity.  I didn’t take him completely off my list, but I replaced him at the top with Taylor Hicks from American Idol.  That guy sings so beautifully, it makes me cry.”
Study: African-Americans More Likely to Foul, Be Fouled, Score, Do Anything in NBA New York, NY - Earlier this week a study surfaced that accused white referees in the National Football League of calling more penalties on black players than on whites. These findings have prompted NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to launch an investigation into the matter. But a far more disturbing report was released Wednesday that has NBA on-court officials under fire as well. A new study similar to that of the NFL has found that white referees in that sport are also more likely to call a foul on black players rather than whites. Current statistics show that 78% of fouls are called on players of African-American descent  The study also found that 91% of NBA players were of black heritage. Said player representative Latrell Sprewell, "Back in the day, I choked my coach PJ Carlesimo, I got fined, suspended and all kinds of shit.  That woulda never happened if there was a black commissioner. This league has no street cred at all." Current NBA commissioner, the white jewish David Stern, has not announced any plan of action the league might take to recify this situation.
Celtics Woes Continue As Team Struggles to Tank Season Boston, MA - The once-proud Boston Celtics are in the midst of one of their most forgettable seasons ever. The C's have occupied the basement of the NBA's Eastern Conference for much of the year and earlier this season suffered through the worst losing streak in team history. Weeks ago there appeared to be a silver lining in the team's misery when college hoopsters Greg Oden and Kevin Durant began emerging as legitmate stars ready to make the jump to the professional ranks. However the Celtics road to a draft day bonanza has recently hit a snag as the team has begun winning games it has no business winning.  Wednesday night the Celts took a double overtime stunner against the playoff contending Orlando Magic. Said Celtics' captain Paul Pierce, "I'm at a loss. I really don't know what more we can do to try to lose these games. We've got Doc at the helm, I'm playing injured, and we've given playing time to Brian Scalabrine." The Celtics stand at 22-49 with 11 games remaining.
NCAA Tournament Gives Tools Around The Nation A Moment In the Spotlight Everywhere, USA – Tools across the nation celebrated their success this week in every office pool. For the first time in the history of the NCAA tournament, there were no major upsets, as all number one seeds and three of the number two seeds advanced to College Basketball’s Elite Eight, rewarding losers who pick the higher seed in every game. Super Tool Terry Walston chimed in on his recent success. ”I’ve been playing in these things for like fourteen years, each year picking every number one and number two seed to make the final eight.  I can’t believe how fortunate I was this year that it finally came true.” Never before has the NCAA tournament rewarded more people who had no idea what they were doing and only picked the higher seed.  According to NCAA sources, if this ever happens again, the NCAA is going to adopt a BCS system similar to College Football, just to make sure these tools never have another moment of triumph.
Shaq's Committment to Offense Finally Rewarded Las Vegas, NV - Shaquille O'Neal has never been known as a man who likes to hustle. He is often seen guarding the logo at center court during the other teams' fast breaks. To Shaq's credit, no logo has ever registered a point while he's been on the floor.   But at Sunday's NBA All-Star game, while representing the Eastern Conference powerhouse Miami Heat, Shaq's lethargic, lackluster  defense was finally acknowledged and rewarded. O'Neal was named the Western Conference Offensive Player of the Game for his contributions to their 153-132 victory. Following the game Shaq had this to say, "Did Kobe win it?  No he didn't, Shaq Diesel won it, now get me some ICY-HOT, bitch!"  It is not clear whether an Icy-Hot patch was in fact retrieved for O'Neal after the comment.
Branson, Missouri Offers to Host 2008 NBA All-Star Game Branson, MO - With the city of Las Vegas playing host to this season's NBA All-Star weekend, Branson, Missouri, the entertainment capital of the Midwest, has been inspired to throw its own hat into the ring. Patrick Nolan, mayor of Branson, announced Wednesday that his community has offered its services to the NBA as host city for next year's all star weekend festivities. "We've always thought of ourselves as the Las Vegas of the Heartland," said Childs. "We have just as many live musical acts as Vegas does so we're confident the players will have as good a time here in our city as they will this year. That's why we contacted the NBA, it's an excellent opportunity for both of us." The league has not yet made a decision, but did inquire into if Branson had begun allowing African-Americans within their city limits yet.
The Way of the Master Boston, MA – The Boston Celtics, fresh off of their 18 game losing streak, see greener pastures ahead. After being reneged in their efforts to land Allen Iverson, the Celtics acquired much needed veteran leadership on Wednesday night when they acquired Brett Favre from the Green Bay Packers. The transition from football to basketball might be difficult for the 37 year old Favre, but the Celtics Coach Doc Rivers isn’t worried. “Listen, we know Brett hasn’t played basketball since high school but what he brings to this team in the form of veteran leadership, will more than make up for his lack of basketball experience.” The leadership that the Celtics are looking for is leadership on how to turn the ball over. “He is the master at tanking games. There is no one that sells it any better than Brett. He’ll lead the team on a long drive, make it look like they are going to score, and then throw a critical interception. Best of all he’ll make the fans think he gives a crap when he cries after the game. The guy is the total package.”  When asked why the Celtics, who have almost no shot at making the playoffs, would invest time and energy in a 37 year old washed up quarterback, Rivers has this to say. “I can’t think of a better guy for our rookies and kids to learn from. He’s a professional in every sense of the word. He’s so committed to his craft that even his favorite food is the apple turnover. We’re going to do everything in our power to get the number one pick.”
Greg Oden Working Hard To Improve Draft Position Columbus, OH – Ohio State’s fast start and top five ranking has got Buckeye fans thinking about a National Championship. However there are still a few questions the 19-3 Buckeye’s need to answer, namely the less than spectacular play of Freshman-phenom Greg Oden. Don’t count Oden as one of those who isn’t pleased, telling reporters that his less than spectacular stats are all part of his master plan. “Everyone kept telling me how great I was going to be this year.  I was able to get a lot of them off of my back when I broke my hand, but now they’re all over me again.” Oden’s poor play has led many to question whether or not the center would be the first pick if he were to declare himself eligible for the 2007 NBA Draft. Oden addressed this possibility. “I find myself not trying too hard in games, which is hard because I’m so good. I’m trying to fly under the radar. If I do too well, I’d probably be a top 5 pick, meaning I’d have to go to a lousy team like the Grizzlies or Celtics. I’m hoping that if I sleepwalk through this year I can be a late round draft pick and go to someone like the Lakers or the Spurs.” Oden’s hard work seems to be paying off.  Early mock drafts have Texas’ Freshman Kevin Durant as the consensus number one pick. But Oden still has a little way to go to drop to the late first round. “I’m almost there, I’m thinking about failing a drug test or crashing the SUV the school bought me into a pack of kids, of course that would make me be more appealing to a team like Portland, so I have to make sure I choose my next step carefully.”
Report: Steve Nash's Parents Ashamed of Their Son's Lack of Hockey Skills Victoria, British Columbia - The Nash's, like any other Canadian family, love their hockey.  So it comes as no surprise that father John and mother Jean wanted nothing more than for their children to grow up and play in the NHL. But early on the couple could tell something was wrong with their son, Steve.  He didn't look comfortable in his skates and started spending more time on the basketball court than in the hockey rink. Today, Steve Nash is the NBA's 2-time reigning Most Valuable Player, and is well on his way to a third-straight award this season.  While short in stature, he has silenced critics by dominating the league with his passing ability and jump shot. But despite all his success, Steve Nash still has failed to impress his parents. "He still looks uncomfortable on the ice," said John Nash. "His slapshot could definitely use some work and he lacks toughness out there. I'm thinking of sending him to a hockey camp this summer."
Do Unto Others… Trenton, NJ – Fate made an unexpected appearance in the sports world this week when New Jersey Nets' point guard Jason Kidd filed for divorce from his wife of ten years, Joumana. In court papers filed Tuesday, Kidd said his wife physically and mentally abused him, threatened to make false domestic violence complaints against him to police, and interfered with his relationship with his children. Reporters for fourballs.com were able to catch up with Fate and ask about the sudden decision to intervene. “I’ve been looking at this one for years, and finally decided that it was time that I get involved. It wasn’t a question of if, but when. This guy had it coming to him. It shouldn’t be a surprise to Jason, I always come back around.” Spousal abuse is not new to the Kidds who were involved in a domestic violence matter six years ago, back when Jason was playing for the Phoenix Suns. He was arrested after his wife told police he slapped her in the face during an argument about feeding their son. Karma, Kismet, Chance and Luck could not be reached for comment
Carmelo Anthony Becomes Eligible for WNBA Draft Denver, CO – New York Knick Mardy Collins lured the Denver Nuggets Carmelo Anthony into a fight...and then into the WNBA?  That’s what executives are saying after consulting the official rules of the NBA.  According to Section 4:A.9.3 of the collective bargaining agreement, “If a player throws a 'sucker punch' he gains street cred, However, if this same player subsequently runs away from the 'sucker punchee' like a little girl, this womanly act officially makes him/her eligible for the next WNBA draft.  Anthony told reporters that he was going to mull over his next move during his upcoming 15 game suspension stating that the WNBA is an attractive possibility.  When asked what else he would be doing during his unplanned vacation Anthony excitedly told reporters that he was going to go ‘shopping for a new purse’ and ‘totally get a French manicure’.