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Where Are They Now? . . . Jim Abbott Playing Drums for Def Leppard Cover Band          Flint, MI – Former Major League pitcher Jim Abbott has been busy tearing up the Eastern Michigan bar scene recently as a member of “Armageddon It,” a Def Leppard tribute band.  Abbott enjoyed a ten-year big league career from 1989 to 1999, spending most of that time with the California Angels. Abbott spun a no-hitter for the Yankees in 1993. With his playing days finished, Abbott is happy to be given the opportunity to once again perform in front of crowds. “I’ve always loved music, ever since I was a little kid,” said Abbott. “I can play several different instruments so I just looked around for a band that had an opening. I kind of wanted to play guitar but this band insisted that I play the drums for them. I never really listened to Def Leppard much, but these guys were really adamant about me playing drums for some reason so I just went with it.”

2007 Year in Sports

Brett Favre Named Sesame Street Man-of-the-Year for “Sharing the Ball With the Other Team”

2006 Year in Sports

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Tommy John Devastated To Learn He Needs "John Kruk Surgery"

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Bush Memoirs Refer to Texas Rangers Failures as 'Golden Years'

Yankees Downgrade Damon’s Arm from 12 Year-Old Girl to 8 Year-Old Girl

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“Big Papi” Entangled In Multiple Paternity Suits  Boston, MA – Apparently members of Red Sox Nation are not the only ones who refer to Boston slugger David Ortiz as “Big Poppi”.  Legal action taken Friday marked the fifth paternity suit filed against Ortiz in the past three weeks.  Sue Ellen Mischkie of West Roxbury, MA joined a growing list of women who claim the Sox designated hitter is the father of their babies.  “There’s no mistaking it. He has his Poppi’s under-bite,” said Ms. Mischkie while talking to reporters in front of the Suffolk County Courthouse on Friday. “He doesn’t have any teeth yet, but you can just tell.”  Adding to the speculation is the fact that all five babies were born on the same day in late July, nine months to the day after the Red Sox won the final game of the 2004 Fall Classic, giving Boston it’s first World Series title since World War I.  Ortiz was in the Fenway clubhouse Friday afternoon where the Sox were set to open a 13-game homestand against the visiting Detroit Tigers. He was unavailable for comment but one team official speaking under the condition of anonymity said he saw Ortiz on the phone with former NBA player Shawn Kemp for “well over an hour.”

Increase the Size of Your Wang, Without Drugs!      Springfield, IL –Male swimmers will no longer feel inadequate when wearing tight swimsuits after Speedo’s announcement on Monday that they will be introducing a new man-kini.  Dubbed “Wonderoos”, the new male bikini bottom will have a prosthetic enhancement similar to the Wonder Bra.  Wonderoos can be filled with air like the infamous Reebok Pump Sneaker and will account for each swimmers need, no matter how large or small.      United States Olympic Swim Team Director Michael Featherstone believes that this breakthrough will bring unlimited benefits to the sport of competitive swimming.       “Over the past twenty years a lot of our best athletes have gone to other sports because they were too embarrassed to wear that tight suit.  Not to mention, do you know how cold some of those pools are?  They can make the biggest man look like a figure skater.  I’m sure we’ve lost out on at least 10 Gold Medals.  Michael Phelps nearly quit swimming and went to hair dressing school, but fortunately we were able to convince him that there are more important things in life than what he’s packing in his pants.”

NFL Referee Ed Hochuli Expected To Go in Third Round of Upcoming Draft     New York, NY - When expert Mel Kiper, Jr. posted his mock football draft on a popular sports website Wednesday, he raised more than a few eyebrows around the league. While his early rounds contained players many expected to see, his third round created quite a buzz.     Kiper predicted that the Green Bay Packers would select current NFL referee Ed Hochuli with their third selection in the draft.     "His work ethic in the gym beats the pants off anybody else out there," reported Kiper. "He's got tremendous upside for a 54-year-old and obviously knows the rules of the game inside and out. The Packers need a strong presence at middle linebacker and Hochuli is bigger than any kid that'll still be available at that stage of the draft."      When asked for comment Hochuli just shrugged his broad shoulders and said, "I'm out there every Sunday working my tail off, it's about time somebody noticed."

Report: Reggie Jackson Has No Memory of Trying to Kill the Queen New York, NY - On the eighteenth anniversary of that fateful afternoon in Anaheim, a startling report has surfaced that shows former outfielder Reggie Jackson has absolutely no recollection of trying to assassinate the Queen of England. It was a beautiful June day in 1988, and Jackson's California Angels were playing host to the Seattle Mariners. Enrico Pollazzo belted out a beautiful rendition of the national anthem, and the Queen of England was on hand in a special box along the third base line. Mid-way through the sixth inning, following a series of terrible calls by the homeplate umpire, a melee errupted on the field. In the midst of the chaos, witnesses spotted Jackson removing a handgun from under second base, then he made his way to the Queen's box. But miraculously, anthem singer and homeplate umpire Enrico Pollazzo was able to stop the impending murder of the queen. In an interview last week Jackson was asked what was going through his mind during the attack. Jackson remembered the game, but nothing about the attack. According to the former player, "That was a good game, I remember being able to do the robot dance really well for some reason from that day on."

Hochuli's work out routine puts yours to shame

Saints Try To Give Their Fans A Little Bush New Orleans, LA –New Orleans Saints' general manager Mickey Loomis didn’t sleep much on Wednesday night.  Instead, like many men across the country, he was trying to get Bush.  Loomis for one, doesn’t believe that he’ll be Bush-free for too long. “My record might show that I have a tough time ‘sealing the deal’. But not this time.  It’s Bush I want, and Bush I’m going to get.”   Saints' fans share the same wants and desires as their team’s general manager. Dave Miller, who has been a season ticket holder for the last ten years had this to say, “I need it.  It’s all I think about.  Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush.  Even when I’m with my wife, all I can think about is Bush.” In other news around camp, the Saints are reportedly close to signing their first round pick, running back from USC, Reggie Bush.

A-Rod Thanks God for Ground Rule Double, Lord Gets Pissed Pearly Gates, Heaven – Our Father, who art in heaven, became quite angered Tuesday night after Yankee third-baseman Alex Rodriguez thanked him for an eighth inning ground-rule double that knocked in Derek Jeter with the go-ahead run against the visiting Orioles. God was quoted as saying, “Look, I'm a busy man, I’ve got real miracles to perform. Ya know what I’m saying? Just this week I made the water in New Orleans subside, but my real gem was Mike Sweeney's walk-off single."  He who they call “Jehovah,” was of course referring to what has been the talk of both our nation and the world.  He continued, "I mean c'mon who would think it possible that the Royals were capable of a series split with Detroit? I’ll tell ya one person who didn't, that me-dammed Judas. I mean, how many times is that guy gunna sell me out?"

God told A-Rod to stick those fingers some place else

Eddings Taken off of Mike Scioscia's IM Buddy List       Cyberspace - Major League umpire Doug Eddings was reportedly  removed from Mike Scioscia's IM Buddy List late Wednesday night.  Several sources close to the Angels' manager speculated that Eddings' dropped-third-strike call in the ninth inning of Game 2 of the ALCS may have played a small part in the decision. Just one member of the Angels, for purposes of anonymity we shall refer to only as "Vladimir", was willing to comment on Scioscia's move following the game. "Our manager has quite a temper as you know. I completely forgot about that little mistake Doug made back in the ninth inning. But it wouldn't surprise me at all if Mike remembered and was still mad about it."     UmpGuy88, Eddings' instant messenger moniker, was stricken from Scioscia's BuddyList just moments after the White Sox 2-1 victory.  There is no word whether the name will be put back on the list, but Vladimir did admit "it seems highly unlikely he'll be receiving an evite to Thanksgiving this year."

Tour de France Apparently Being Held Anyway Even Without Lance Armstrong Pla de Beret, France - Unbeknownst to many, the Tour de France is still being held this year, despite the absence of American cycling great Lance Armstrong. Apparently the eleventh-stage of the competition was completed on Thursday, with an American cyclist who isn't Lance Armstrong taking the coveted yellow shirt as the race's overall leader. Armstrong of course retired from professional cycling last year following his seventh-straight Tour de France victory. Further research conducted by Fourballs.com staffers led to the startling discovery that the Tour de France was actually held prior to Lance Armstrong's first win back in 1999 as well. According to various sources, the three-week-long cycling race has been held since 1903, breaking only twice due to World Wars. It remains unclear how long the Tour de France plans to continue beyond this year without American cycling great Lance Armstrong among its participants.

Ancient Greek Tradition Carries On       Garden City, NY - An epic battle that would have made Homer proud took place at one of New York's finest institutions this past weekend.  The men of Delta Iota Kappa squared off against the ladies of Alpha Suma Suma in this year's "Fraternity Olympics," held at Nassau Community College.       Most students participate in the games since the school allows the Olympics to be used in lieu of a senior thesis.  The Deltas pulled off a major upset in the pie-eating contest over the sisters of ASS, launching team Captain Bob Sacameno to his sixth-consecutive championship in this annual event.    Said the team captain, "I couldnt let this team down, that's why I stuck around for a sixth year at DIK.  You could say I love DIK, I'm all about it".     Sacameno's agents/parents could not be reached for comment to see if they had paid for a seventh year at the local junior college.