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Scott and Rob Win The Cup, Still Embarrassed By Their Brother Anaheim, CA – It should have been the happiest moment of their lives. Brothers Scott and Rob Niedermayer won the Stanley Cup together as members of the Anaheim Ducks on Wednesday night. However their moment of elation quickly faded when they saw teammates celebrating with their families, knowing this would never be a joy they would experience themselves. What few people know is that the Niedermayer’s have a third brother, Douglas C. Neidermeyer.  Scott and Rob’s embarrassment over their brother’s actions towards the Delta House led them to change the spelling of their name in the mid ‘80s, in hopes that they could somehow escape the cold shadow that the Niedermeyer name casts. “I hate how my brother treated Flounder. He was a total ass to him,” Scott told reporters shortly after hoisting the cup. “I never understood how he could hate those fun loving Delta’s. He was instrumental in getting them put on double secret probation.” Younger brother Rob was equally as disgusted with his brother’s actions. “I don’t blame his men for killing him in Vietnam. Growing up I always wished that Otter or Bluto was our other brother. If any of the Delta’s see this, I just want to apologize from the bottom of my heart, from my families hearts, for any anguish that my brother caused. If you’d have us, I’d like to bring the cup to the Delta House and have a Toga Party with it.” Pinto, Boon and D-Day could not be reached for comment.

2007 Year in Sports

Boston University Football Team Proudly Marks Their 250th-Consecutive Bye Week

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U.S. Postal Service Names Michael Vick its "Man of the Year" Washington DC - There may be over five months left of this year, but the United States Postal Service has their man for 2007. The USPS announced from its headquarters on Tuesday that it has named Atlanta Falcons' quarterback Michael Vick its "Man of the Year 2007." Recent weeks have seen many organizations try to distance themselves from Vick, stemming from his alleged criminal involvement in a dog-fighting ring on his very own property. But the Postal Service believes it has found a true hero in their new official spokesman. "His committment to destroying the species that has tormented us for years is undeniable, and for that we champion Michael Vick," said USPS official Mike Hayes. "The dog has been a leech on human society for too long, we feel that not only should the charges against Vick be dropped, but that dog fighting should be encouraged throughout the country." The USPS also unveiled plans for a Michael Vick commemorative stamp to be issued sometime early in 2008.

Zumaya Takes Awards Way Too Seriously Detroit, MI - Detroit Tigers reliever Joel Zumaya is expected to be sidelined until midseason after injuring his throwing shoulder during the California wildfires. Zumaya, who finished in the top 5 in voting for the 2006 Rolaids AL Fireman of the Year award, apparently took last year's award literally, and believed that he could really put out fires. "I totally thought I was qualified to put out the fire", Zumaya said. "It's what I'm known for. They call down to the bullpen and I come in and put the fire out. I thought I could do the same thing to the wildfires." Zumaya, whose 100-mph fastballs helped Detroit reach the 2006 World Series, will need to rest his shoulder for six weeks. He is not expected to begin a throwing program until March. Zumaya blames Rolaids for misleading him. "That's a dumb name for the award. What do they give real fire fighters, Relief Pitcher of the Year Awards? I hold them responsible for my stupidity."

Turn-Back-The-Clock Night Screws Over the Brewers Detroit, MI – The feel good story of the 2007 baseball season has been the low-budget Milwaukee Brewers. The Brewers, who no one thought would compete this year, find themselves alone atop the National League Central as we reach mid-June. However, there is one thing that can stop this year's Brew-Crew, an unscheduled Turn Back the Clock Night. “Before Tuesday night’s game we got word from Mr. Selig that we would have to wear our 2006 uniforms,” first basemen Prince Fielder told reporters. “It was totally unfair. We couldn’t hit for shit in 2006. But they told us they would fine us all if we didn’t wear the right uniforms.” The result? A no hitter by Tigers' pitcher Justin Verlander. Brewer Manager Ned Yost echoed Fielder’s statement. “We fielded like we did in 2006, we pitched like we did in 2006, and we sure as hell hit like we did in 2006. I think it is all part of Bud’s master plan to make the NL Central a lot closer.” The Brewers scrapped their 2006 uniforms and went back to their 2007 version on Wednesday and returned to their winning ways. Last year's NL Central and World Series champion the St. Louis Cardinals are petitioning the Commissioners Office to require all of their remaining games Turn Back the Clock games. At press time there was no word on whether or not their petition would be accepted.

Doc Gooden's Medical Degree Called Into Question Tampa, FL - After a bizarre series of events over the past week, friends and family of former major league pitcher Dwight "Doc" Gooden have begun to question the legitamcy of the 42-year-old's medical certification. It started when Gooden and several friends were out to lunch last Friday and someone in the restaurant began choking. Instead of respecting his obligation as a doctor and performing the Heimlich manuver on the victim, Gooden continued calmly eating his sandwich. Then on Sunday at a Memorial Day BBQ, Gooden's young daughter tripped and skimmed her knee on a rock. Friends were shocked to see Gooden place a band aid on the cut without first washing it off or applying pressure to stop the bleeding. "It really made us stop and wonder about Doc," said longtime friend Jack Laidlaw. "For years he's been able to prescribe us whatever drugs we've wanted, legal or otherwise. But after witnessing what I saw this past weekend, well I just don't know what to think anymore."

The orange scrubs were not enough to convince "Doc's" family

Study: African-Americans More Likely to Foul, Be Fouled, Score, Do Anything in NBA New York, NY - Earlier this week a study surfaced that accused white referees in the National Football League of calling more penalties on black players than on whites. These findings have prompted NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to launch an investigation into the matter. But a far more disturbing report was released Wednesday that has NBA on-court officials under fire as well. A new study similar to that of the NFL has found that white referees in that sport are also more likely to call a foul on black players rather than whites. Current statistics show that 78% of fouls are called on players of African-American descent  The study also found that 91% of NBA players were of black heritage. Said player representative Latrell Sprewell, "Back in the day, I choked my coach PJ Carlesimo, I got fined, suspended and all kinds of shit.  That woulda never happened if there was a black commissioner. This league has no street cred at all." Current NBA commissioner, the white jewish David Stern, has not announced any plan of action the league might take to recify this situation.

Where Are They Now? Billy Ripken Still a Fuck Face Baltimore, MD – Billy Ripken, the light hitting second baseman for the Baltimore Orioles was at the top of the headlines in 1989, not for teaming with his brother and father, or for his shoddy play at second base, but for his 1989 Fleer Baseball Card that was infamously adorned with the words “Fuck Face” on the nub of the bat.  The mistake was quickly realized and the card was pulled off the shelves. As everyone knows, older brother Cal continued to play every day and finally ended up in the Hall of Fame, but few know what ever became of Billy who bounced around from team to team until 1998. Fourballs recently caught up with a former teammate and Ripken himself. Former teammate Mike Devereaux says the foul words on the bat could not have been any more accurate, saying everyone hated Billy and that he was a total pill in the clubhouse. ”He walked around like he owned the place.  He kept trying to give everyone a bunch of hitting tips and the guy couldn’t hit for shit.  Even nowadays, we all get together to play cards and reminisce. Most of the games end with Billy and Joe Orsulak getting into a fight.  Ripken is always getting under his skin so we don’t call him anymore.” Ripken however, still doesn’t see how much of a douche he really is/was.  “My teammates weren’t busting on me at all, they were just making a reference to the face I make when I have sex, and I was always slaying the bitches, if you know what I mean.” Ripken has been able to carve out a successful post baseball career forging his brother’s signature and selling the autographs on eBay.

Billy's teammates got the last laugh that day

Fox Replaces OJ Simpson Interview With Michael Richards' Def Comedy Jam Special Los Angeles, CA - Backlash from the American public prompted News Corp, parent company of the Fox Network, to announce Monday that they were cancelling their scheduled broadcast of an interview of OJ Simpson. On Wednesday, the network proudly reported they had found a replacement show for the interview's upcoming time slot. Instead, "Michael Richards' Def Comedy Jam Special 1" will be aired next week in what Fox expects to be the ratings bonanza they need during November sweeps. "Despite the problems with the OJ project, we feel we still have our fingers firmly on the pulse of the American television viewer," said Fox spokesman Patrick Gavin. "Richards' edgy material that examines racial issues in America today is just what the public wants right now. The show will be bigger than 'Herman's Head', we're sure of it." Many industry watchdogs feel the risk could pay huge dividends for Fox which desperately needs help after many of their new Fall shows failed. "Richards' standup routine from this past weekend is the most-watched clip on YouTube.com right now," reported TV critic James Wenn. "Kudos to Fox for striking while the iron is hot."

Gary, Indiana Apparently Already the Victim of SuperBowl Rioting Gary, IN - Superbowl XVI might still days away, but the city of Gary, Indiana, which stands between both Chicago and Indianapolis, is already feeling its after-effects.  While the outcome of the big game between the Bears and the Colts will not be determined until Sunday night, it seems as though postgame rioting by unruly fans has already taken place.  Gary police have said that no actual reports of civil unrest have been called in to them, but burned-out cars, damaged or run-down storefronts, and massive amounts of garabge strewn about can be seen throughout the entire city. Residents are clearly displeased with the authorities' inability to stop rioting fans. "Everyday I leave my house for work I walk the streets in fear," said long time Gary inhabitant Andrew Pearl. "It doesn't matter if you're a Bears' fan or a Colts' fan, we all have to deal with this mess on a daily basis, and frankly we're getting sick of it."