Fourballs.com 2006 NFL Draft Diary
After spending the better part of the morning landscaping my front yard, I need to grow my man-balls back. What better way to do that by watching the NFL Draft. In the long void of the off-season, the draft is like a life perserver for the football fan, reminding us all that the league enjoys making money even when games aren't being played. 11:11AM - Thanks to the ESPN Bottomline I can see there are 48 minutes and 17 seconds to go until the draft begins. 48 minutes, 16 seconds. 48 minutes... 11:14AM - ESPN shows an old clip from the 1994 draft where some Indy executive rips Mel Kiper, Jr. for criticizing their pick. There is something so unbelievably satisfying about seeing Mel get taken down a peg. 11:16AM - Is it too early to crack open a beer? 11:22AM - Yet another segment on Reggie Bush. It's like ESPN is taunting the Texans for already passing on him. Wow, this guy has a more impressive earring collection than any girl I've ever known. The fact that I am noticing someone's jewelry collection tells me I need this draft to start ASAP. Damn that landscaping. 11:29AM - Draft begins in 30:36, 30:35, 30:34… 11:32AM - An UnderArmour commercial. ADT should hire this football player. I can see their ads now: ADT dispatch: "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" Woman: "I think there's an intruder in my home!" ADT: "WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUUUSE!!" 11:43AM - The Jets have made a phone call to the Saints trying to get the #2 pick, but they "don't want to do anything irrational." Hey Jets, how far has rational thought gotten you in the past five years? Maybe it's time you try something new. 11:52AM - I'll bet Matt Leinart likes to do landscaping. 11:54AM - My ladyfriend Kristin is watching with me. She thinks Matt Leinart is hot. I wonder if he'd still be hot if he didn't have that Nick Lachey next to him. 12:00PM - The start of 17 hours of live coverage, and we have some sort of futuristic fashion show intro to tell us who the top prospects are. This is not helping the man-ball situation. 12:03PM - ESPN zooms in on the top players sitting in the green room. Bush looks nervous, Leinart is chewing gum and looks like he'd rather be at a photo shoot. I think they showed Vince Young but the glare of the lights in his bling made it tough to tell. 12:06PM - Ah, Mel Kiper, Jr. in High Definition. I think I can see a hair out of place...Nope, I was wrong. 12:07PM - Chris Mortensen is telling us the latest news about the scandal involving Reggie Bush's family and their landlord Michael Michaels. In my opinion the only crime here is the Michaels' cruelly naming their son Michael. 12:11PM - This is commissioner Paul Tagliabue's final draft. See Brett, this is what "going out on top" looks like. 12:14PM - Texans select Mario Williams. I yawn and eat a few potato chips. 12:27PM - The Jets, sticking to the plan that earned them 4 wins last season, decide not to trade up. Saints pick Reggie Bush. Those "NY Loves Bush" signs go from being funny to being stupid. 12:35PM - Titans select Vince Young. I wonder if Tennessee is allowing Steve McNair to watch the draft. 12:44PM - Jets are on the clock. Why do I feel like they're not taking Matt Leinart. 12:47PM - Jets don’t take Matt Leinart. Instead they go with D'Brickashaw Ferguson. Looks like no one in the crowd today thought to make a "NY Loves D'Brickashaw" sign. 12:50PM - Matt Leinart's face right now is saying "Why the hell did I stay in college one more year?" I hope all that campus tail you pulled down last season was worth it, Matt. I only kid because I'm jealous. Ladyfriend Kristin is not amused. 12:58PM - There's something weird about seeing so many drunk and rowdy football fans at Radio City Music Hall. This would be like if they held a greyhound race at Churchill Downs. 12:59PM - Packers take A.J. Hawk. ESPN then shows a bunch of fans back in Green Bay who all look like they cant decide whether to cheer or boo this pick. No wonder they love Favre so much. 1:06PM - The 49ers, looking to add toughness to their squad, select Vernon Davis, who then proceeds to break down crying over being picked. Swing and a miss. 1:12PM - Vernon Davis is being interviewed and says his greatest inspiration is Kellen Winslow, Jr. Strike two. 1:14PM - Raiders take a defensive player, Michael Huff. Kiper says, "This guy loves to be on the field," to which I reply, "then this guy is gonna love playing for Oakland." 1:20PM - As Chris Berman rambles on about god knows what, I see Michael Irvin next to him passing a note to Mortensen which makes them both laugh. I'm betting it said, "Mel Kiper smells like cheese." 1:26PM - With their selection the Buffalo Bills take Donte Whitner. Matt Leinart is now a full hour late to his photo shoot. 1:35PM - Cardinals finally take Matt Leinart. Kurt Warner's grocery store in Iowa rejoices, their wayward son will soon be returning home to the produce section. 1:46PM - Our first trade of the day. Denver moves up to the 11th spot to get Vanderbilt QB Jay Cutler. Everyone's been praising this guy all day long. Meanwhile, Kiper just ripped him apart. All of a sudden I'm a huge Jay Cutler fan. 1:55PM - I come to the realization that everyone I've heard of has now been drafted. But on the bright side, it appears my man parts are recovering nicely. 2:00PM - Baltimore now trades up one spot to get Haloti Ngata. A clip of Ray Lewis follows with this vintage comment, "I'm the best player ever at what I do. Now that's not to take anything away fom anyone who's ever played."  No Ray, I'm sure every linebacker in the Hall of Fame doesn't feel at all slighted by your comment. 2:09PM - I feel pretty confident that the effects of this morning's landscaping have been completely reversed. I am now wondering at what point in the draft do I go from football fan to football junkie. 2:14PM - Kamerion Wimbley to Cleveland. ESPN shows all the Browns' first round picks since 1999. Wimbley finds himself on the same list as Kellen Winslow, Jr. and Tim Couch. A very promising start to his pro career. 2:27PM - Eagles go with Brodrick Bunkley who benched 225 pounds for 44 reps during the Combine. Ed Hochuli has finally found a lifting partner. 2:32PM - Rams take Tye Hill. I feel that "junkie line" quickly approaching. There is a huge mock cheer from the crowd of drunks over this pick. I can tell they're aware of the line as well. 2:44PM - The Dolphins take Jason Allen and I've decided I can't take anymore. I made it through the first half of the first round but most importantly, I've reached my goal.
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