Top 10 Excuses to Watch Football
Anywhere, USA – It’s that time of year again.  Yes that’s right, the most wonderful time of year known as the start of NFL Season.  For the next 17 weeks your Sundays will be dominated by 12 wonderful hours of football.  Of course, with this great time of year comes the worst thing of all…that awful time when your significant other (i.e. girlfriend, wife, boyfriend, husband, gay lover) tries to get you out of the house on a Sunday afternoon when you’d rather be sitting at home on your couch and drinking beer.  As a courtesy to any guy/girl that has had to endure a Sunday at Home Depot or Bed Bath & Beyond (not sure if we’ll have enough time though) and not in front of their Hi-Def TV, Fourballs proudly presents the "Top 10 Excuses to Get Out of Having a Productive Sunday": 10. Take on a household project in the living room.  Paint the walls, balance the checkbook, wrap presents.  Do anything that your significant other has been nagging you to do.  Just make sure you do it in a room that has a TV.  9.   “I just ordered pizza.”  Everyone orders food on a Sunday afternoon, use this to your advantage.  This one takes some planning, but it’s about as close to a sure thing as you are going to get.  Anticipate when you are going to be asked to do something and order from the slowest place in town.  For the first time in your life you’ll be glad that it takes roughly 4 hours to get a pizza delivered to your house on a Sunday.  When the pizza arrives, make sure you eat slowly. 8.   Sabotage the car.  If you don’t have any way to get there, you can’t go anywhere.  Hide the keys, let the air out of tires, rip out the starter, do whatever it takes.  Just make sure the car you do this to is blocking the other car or better yet, do it to both cars.  Whenever possible, it’s always best to do it to the other persons car so that you don’t spend all day hearing about how this is all your fault. 7.   “You look like you need a day out, I’ll watch the kids.”  A good one for our married readers.  When you’re stuck with the kids, have them invite a friend over for entertainment and then lock them in another room with a collection of Disney DVDs.  Obviously this only works if you have kids.  If you’re not ready to sign that death warrant and have kids, buy your significant other a day at the spa.  It might be expensive for the single person, but then again it’s cheaper than braces for a kid.  Then bask in your time alone. 6.   “If you let me watch this game, I’ll do XXX.”  XXX can mean anything, it could mean mow the lawn, or go grocery shopping, or bring the empty bottles back to the store.  It is your responsibility as someone in a relationship to determine what XXX is.  Everyone has an Achilles Heel, use it to your advantage. 5.  “I’m too hung over to do anything.”  A wonderful old stand-by.  Much better than the “I’m sick” excuse which can land you at the doctor’s office.  It’s impossible to prove, and virtually fool-proof.  The only way to cure this is to lie around on the couch.  You can even drink a few beers and claim you’re trying to grow some hair on your hangover. 4.   “I’m really behind at work and have to catch up.”  One of the only redeeming things about most jobs today is that they give you a laptop computer or let you log in from home.  Simply prop the computer up in front of you and boom, you’re working hard to get ahead, and you’re doing it for her/him.  Beware of screen savers and system lockouts though.  Make sure you push some keys or move the mouse every couple of minutes.  A blank screen is the fastest way out of the house. 3.   “The half is almost over, there is only 5 minutes left.”  With all the commercials, TV timeouts, two minute warnings and injuries, 5 minutes can take 2 hours.  Use it to your advantage.  This is like hitting the sleep button on the alarm.  Consider it a window to try to get your significant others eyes away from the prize.  A risky proposition when dealing with someone who is determined to be productive, but a true veteran can turn 5 minutes into 5 years. 2.   Invite your friends over to watch the game.  There is safety in numbers.  The more people at your house, the easier it is to get out of doing stuff.  The true beauty of this one is that you can lie about someone coming over, when you haven’t called anyone, and wait for them all day.  You can mix this one up by telling your mate that you’re going to your friends house to watch the game.  Believe me, your buddy will be happy to have you come over and save him/her from a day at the mall. 1.   Fake a fight.  A sure fire way to get some peace and quiet.  Tell him/her that they look like they’re packing on weight, or how attracted you are to one of their friends.  Put the cherry on top by storming out of the room and then go sulk in front of the TV.  Make sure you answer all of their questions with one word answers.  It always works, but make sure you don’t go to the well too often.  Save it for a playoff game or any game where Joe Namath might be on the sideline.  Pick your battles carefully.
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