Archived Football "News"
Barber Announces Plans To Return To the Giants   Phoenix, AZ - The week before the Super Bowl has always been a media extravaganza. Tuesday's Media Day brought about stunning revelations such as who Tom Brady's favorite band is and what movie Michael Strahan calls his favorite. However these tidbits were pushed aside after former New York Giants' running back Tiki Barber announced his plans to return to the Giants for the 2008-2009 season.   "At the end of last season, it seemed as though my work with the team was complete", Barber told reporters. "However, after their success this year, I realize there's still so much that I want to accomplish."   When asked about what else he'd like to accomplish, Barber was very candid with his answer.   "I thought I had taken them down from the inside. I thought I had completely ruined Eli's confidence by questioning his role on the team and made the players lose faith in coach Coughlin, but I was wrong. Next year, I promise the Giants will return to mediocrity."
Bill Belichick Earns Himself an Oscar Nod Hollywood, CA -  The awards and accolades keep pouring in for this season's record-breaking New England Patriots.  This week, Pats' head coach Bill Belichick received quite an unexpected honor when he learned he'd been nominated for an Oscar.  The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has decided to include the happy-go-lucky coach in this year's "Best Cinematography" category for his work entitled, "Jets' Defensive Coordinator, 9/9/07".  Despite going straight to DVD, Belichick's project expects to provide stiff competition for front runners such as "The Assassination of Jesse James" and "No Country for Old Men". Belichick has accepted his invitation to the Oscar awards ceremony set for February 24th. The coach reportedly plans to attend the event donning a custom-made formal, yet elegantly baggy, sweatsuit provided by Champion.
Cowboys' Romo Returns Early From Trip to Mexico Dallas, TX - Fans across the state of Texas were relieved this week when quarterback Tony Romo returned home from his trip to Mexico after just two days away. The Cowboys' star had traveled there during the team's bye week with singer/actress Jessica Simpson who he is reportedly dating. Romo had told Cowboys' officials that he'd be coming back on Tuesday to resume preparation for their playoff game with the division-rvial New York Giants, but photographers caught him entering the team's training facility Sunday night. When asked about the change in plans, Romo had this to say. "I don't mind telling you guys that the sex down there was fantastic. But the conversation was absolutely painful. The first day we were down there I ordered tuna for lunch, you know, chicken of the sea, right?" "On the second day I ordered some buffalo chicken wings for dinner. After the meal I realized the cons of being with Jessica completely outweighed the pros so I came home. I just hope my fingers aren't still slippery from the wings." The Cowboys host the Giants in the Divisional Playoff round Sunday at 4:30pm EST.
$100 Million Dollar Suite Filed Against Texas A&M College Station, TX - Federal prosecutors announced on Wednesday that automated teller machines across America were suing Texas A&M for copyright infringement. The source of the controversy stems from the logo used on Texas A&M's hats and apparel. The logo an "A" followed by a "T" followed by a "M" looks very similar to the logo used by automated teller machines. "It's extremely misleading," ATM representative Harvey Cocksmith said. "Just the other day I saw a drunk football fan at a Texas A&M game stumbling around and bumping into people. I asked myself, is that the type of person we want representing ATM machines? Representation like that is hurting our core business, namely ATM fees." ATM Machines claimed a 25% loss for the 4th quarter of 2007, their 5th consecutive losing quarter. The lawsuit hopes to recoup some of the fees lost because of drunk football fans in Texas.
Colts Join The Patriots Hate Train   Indianapolis, IN - The New England Patriots defeated the Indianapolis Colts last Sunday, 24-20 to pick up their 9th win of the season. However, the Patriots picked up something else besides the win, another team crying foul about the way the Patriots have been winning their games this year.   The source of controversy began late in the 3rd quarter of Sunday's matchup. Colts Head Coach Tony Dungy discussed his teams complaint.   "Once again the Patriots kept all of their starters in for the whole game", Dungy said. "They kept Brady and Moss and Welker on the field, and didn't bench any of their starters. Once again, I think they were trying to run up the score."   When it was pointed out to Coach Dungy that the Colts were leading the game by ten points Dungy again came to his teams defense.   "Everyone saw the way the game was going. It's ridiculous. They were out there trying to show us up. We'll definitely keep this in the memory bank for the next time we play them. Peyton and Reggie Wayne were letting up in the 3rd. We'll make sure they try really hard for the whole game the next time we meet them."
O.J. Simpson Releases New Book "If I Stole Sports Memorabilia" Las Vegas, NV - As testimony piles up against O.J. Simpson in the case of stolen memorabilia, the former star running back released a book this week with which he hopes to convince the public, and more importantly a Las Vegas jury, of his innocence. In his book, entitled "If I Were to Steal Sports Memorabilia", Simpson insists he is innocent of the robbery and kidnapping offenses he's been charged with. In addition, he outlines in detail how he would go about robbing a sports memorabilia dealer at gunpoint in a Las Vegas hotel, if he were to do something like that, which he claims he never did. "Look, if I were guilty of armed robbery, why would I write about how I'd do it?" said Simpson following Thursday's hearing. "I promise to make it my life's work to track down the real robber, kidnapper, and murd...oops." Simpson's hearing will continue in Las Vegas on Friday.
Adrian Peterson Has A Sympathizer   Minneapolis, MN - Adrian Peterson shocked NFL fans last Sunday when he rushed for a single game record 296 yards against the San Diego Chargers. Shortly after his record setting day, Peterson recieved a phone call that was equally as shocking, former NFL great Barry Sanders.   "I just wanted to call him to tell him that I had seen his game", Sanders said. "I also told him not to try so hard, because it all doesn't matter. That quarterback and line that he has in Minnesota is just as bad as those Detroit teams I was on in 90's. He's doomed to spend his NFL career the same way I did, watching the playoffs from home."   Peterson said that he appreciated the call from Sanders and listened intently to what the Hall of Famer had to say.   "He gave me some great advice. He told me about some great investment options that I can take advantage of in another two years when I finally get sick of losing. It all sounds pretty interesting and is definitely something that I'm going to start to explore."   The 3-5 Vikings play at Green Bay this Sunday.
Michael Vick...Back At It Again Atlanta, GA – As everyone knows, the battle over Iggy, a Brussels Griffon Terrier mix, has pitted talk show host Ellen DeGeneres against an animal rescue agency and, at one point, had her in tears on her show. The story was this weeks top celebrity gossip tidbit. However, what was unknown at the time is that this twisted tail of puppy love extends all the way into the sports world and to the front door of much maligned former Atlanta Falcon Quarterback Michael Vick. Vick’s name first surfaced after the pet adoption agency's owners complained of receiving death threats over the dispute. Upon investigation of the taped phone calls the Department of Homeland Security was able to deduce that the phone calls were from Vick. A spokesman for Vick confirmed late Thursday afternoon that it was his client behind the disturbing phone calls. Although it was originally thought that Vick had contacted the shelter in support of Ellen DeGeneres, it appears as though that is not the case. The Department of Homeland Security released the following statement. “Mr. Vick has been placing calls to shelters all across the country and telling them to drowned or electrocute any unwanted dogs. At that point Mr. Vick would make a threat of death if the shelter did not immediately cease their actions. Originally it was believed The Mr. Vick was showing support for Ms. DeGeneres, however it appears as though the cases are unrelated and we are merely dealing with a coincidence.” “We actually got pretty lucky in catching him”, said Agent Ralph Baird. “Fortunately for us he was calling places in California and called the same shelter that Ellen was crying about Once again, it looks like Mr. Vick was in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Ellen DeGeneres could not be reached for comment as she was still weeping.
Florida Gators Announce Plans to Sue Lacoste GAINESVILLE, Fla. – The University of Florida announced on Tuesday their plans to sue French clothing maker Lacoste. The lawsuit stems from what university officials are calling “improper use of an alligator”. In the lawsuit the University is demanding that all products in question be delivered to its campus in Gainesville for destruction.  The lawsuit also names the four licensing partners involved in distributing the clothing and requests that the Lacoste pay punitive damages.  The animal in question is the small green alligator that appears on the breast of Lacoste shirts. These shirts are notorious for coming in a variety of bright colors and often have the collars popped. Lacoste shirts are extremely popular with yuppies. According to Gator quarterback Tim Tebow, things with Lacoste have gone too far in recent months, and he is glad his school is going on the offensive. “I see those stupid shirts everywhere, at the mall, at our games, everywhere I go. The worst ones are the pink ones. What guy wears a pink shirt? And why the hell do they have to stick the collar up? What’s that for? These fruits are embarrassing gators across the nation.” The University of Florida adopted the alligator as their team mascot in 1911— 22 years before the French apparel company Lacoste was incorporated.  Apparently, the University of Florida and the Lacoste have cooperated amicably in the use of the alligator symbol in the past, but it appears as though those days are over.
Britney Spears Starts A New Career St. Louis, MO ­ The world has been on a constant Britney watch for the past few months. Fans have been wondering where she will appear next, what she'll be wearing, and if she will try another comeback. Well the world learned the answer to these questions on Tuesday when the St. Louis Rams announced that they had signed Britney to a 3-year contract to replace injured left guard Orlando Pace. "It just makes sense for everyone involved", Rams General Manager Charlie Armey said. "She's had a tough time getting back to her pre-baby weight, and we thought this would be the perfect way for her to put the new weight to good use." Spears, who has never played football, has been mulling over this decision for months. According to Armey, Brit's recent head shaving incident was the first step in her decision to give football a try. "She shaved her head to fit in better with her teammates. And the lack of hair makes her helmet fit a bit better. We expect she'll step right in and make holes for Steven Jackson." Rams Quarterback Marc Bulger is excited about the move. "I used to have her poster on my wall. I fantasized about her backside, now she'll be protecting my backside. It's funny how the world works."
Chad Johnson Could Do Time Cincinnati, OH – Bengals' wide receiver Chad Johnson spent the week leading up to this season’s first game telling anyone that would listen that his first touchdown celebration would be ‘mind blowing.’ However the only ‘mind blowing’ thing about the performance is that this one just might land him in jail. ESPN announced on Wednesday night that they were working on a lawsuit against Johnson for plagiarism, saying that he stole the idea for a fake Hall of Fame Jacket from a recent commercial featured by the cable mogul. Johnson donned the yellow jacket after his first quarter touchdown against the Baltimore Ravens. The jacked was adorned with the words ‘Future HOF 20XX”. ESPN is claiming that the celebration is very similar to the commercials they are currently running that feature current football stars being elected to the Fantasy Football Hall of Fame by everyday people who drafted them on their team. Through a prepared statement released to the press, ESPN had the following to say: “We are deeply saddened by the lack of creativity that Mr. Johnson has shown this year. It is quite obvious to us and to our lawyers that Mr. Johnson stole this idea from our commercials. We were clearly the first person or entity to perform mock Hall of Fame celebrations. For this reason, we ask the Mr. Johnson be locked away. If we have our way, Mr. Johnson will be blowing something other than everyone’s mind this time next year.”
Giants' Strahan Needs Help Again East Rutherford, NJ - Michael Strahan has achieved a lot over the course of his 15-year career in the National Football League. He's made the Pro Bowl on seven different occasions and played in one Super Bowl. The Giants' defensive end is regarded as one of the most well-respected players in the National Football League. His stature has garnered him much help during his career, from teammates, opponents, and now, Giants' management.  "Michael is clearly having difficulty retiring," said Giants' general manager Jerry Reese in a phone interview on Wednesday. "For all the years of service he's put in for this franchise, it's our duty to help him end his career. That is why we refused to offer him a competitive contract during this offseason." "Just like Brett Favre did a few years back, we too are proud to help Michael achieve another milestone," Reese concluded.
Michael Vick Still Betting on Dog Fighting Atlanta, GA – The old adage remains true: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Weeks after being accused of hosting dog fights at his house on Moonlight Road in rural Smithfield, Virginia, Michael Vick was back at it again last Saturday night, once again hosting a fight featuring two dogs. However, this time the fight did not feature two canines but instead featured two fellow NFL players. The players identified as former University of Georgia Bulldog Richard Seymour now of the New England Patriots and former Washington Huskie and current Tampa Bay Buccaneer Jerramy Stevens squared off in a fight to the death shortly after midnight. “I just can’t get it out of my system,” Vick said. “I’m addicted to it like people are addicted to cigarettes or drinking. You can’t just expect me to stop cold turkey. There’s just something about watching two dogs trying to kill each other.” NFL sources were unsure whether or not the fight was illegal and therefore are waiting until they have clarification if they can add it to the list of charges against Vick. PETA director Laura Koch however quickly came out against these fights with the statement, “We will protect all dogs, even former dogs.”
U.S. Postal Service Names Michael Vick its "Man of the Year" Washington DC - There may be over five months left of this year, but the United States Postal Service has their man for 2007. The USPS announced from its headquarters on Tuesday that it has named Atlanta Falcons' quarterback Michael Vick its "Man of the Year 2007." Recent weeks have seen many organizations try to distance themselves from Vick, stemming from his alleged criminal involvement in a dog-fighting ring on his very own property. But the Postal Service believes it has found a true hero in their new official spokesman. "His committment to destroying the species that has tormented us for years is undeniable, and for that we champion Michael Vick," said USPS official Mike Hayes. "The dog has been a leech on human society for too long, we feel that not only should the charges against Vick be dropped, but that dog fighting should be encouraged throughout the country." The USPS also unveiled plans for a Michael Vick commemorative stamp to be issued sometime early in 2008.
Brett Favre New Poster Boy For Bi-Polar Disease Green Bay, WI – NFL fans across the globe solved one of the greatest mysteries in sports earlier this week when it was revealed that Brett Favre suffers from bi-polar disease.  Favre, who won back-to-back MVP’s in the mid-90’s, mysteriously morphed into one of the worst quarterbacks in NFL history. His quick downfall puzzled many NFL pundits, however Dr. Adrian Ober’s diagnosis this week gave closure to one of the NFL’s biggest quandaries. It was a tough week for Favre.  First he demanded a trade, then he said he wanted to stay in Green Bay, and that he was disappointed his team didn’t trade for Randy Moss, forgetting that Moss is a total head case and a locker room cancer.  Favre finished the week by announcing that he would not go to the upcoming mini-camp.  Enter Dr. Ober with her diagnosis that Favre has bi-polar disease and her belief that he will most likely announce early next week that he is going to go to mini-camp. Dr. Ober met with reporters and explained how she was able to diagnose Favre. “His play the last few years was my first clue.  He kept throwing interceptions, seemingly forgetting who was on his team.  Then with the bizarre statements he was making, about wanting to be traded, then not wanting to be traded, and finally his constant press conferences about what he was doing, acting like he was still a star in the league and that people actually gave a shit about what his plans were.  It was a simple diagnosis, first-year-med-school easy.” Teams around the NFL are worried that this diagnosis might lead to Favre throwing less interceptions and are already petitioning the league to make bi-polar medicine a restricted substance.
Who’s Your Daddy Foxboro, MA – It seems that the hip thing to do these days is claim that you are the parent of a celebrity child.  On the heels of the now-six men that have claimed to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, women across the country are alleging that Tom Brady is the father of their unborn baby. At least 7 women have come forward and said that the Patriots QB recently impregnated them.  Brady however is denying all allegations. “There’s no way that all of them are carrying my kid.  I was only in San Diego and Indianapolis for a week, then two weeks at the Super Bowl, so that’s what four, maybe five.” After news of Brady’s possible babies circulated, Brady received another dozen offers from ladies looking for Brady to sire their babies.  The Oakland Raiders are reportedly interested in drafting at least one of these unborn children with the first pick in the upcoming draft.
Super Scandal Indianapolis, IN – It was the perfect scenario, a black coach finally winning the Super Bowl, and during Black History Month to boot.  However reports out of Miami this week are proving that it was too perfect of a story when fans around the world learned that Super Bowl winning coach Tony Dungy really isn’t black, he’s white. The shocking news came as Dungy met with reporters back in Indianapolis and his not so dark complexion was even lighter.  When questioned again about his heritage, Dungy finally came clean. “I was a huge fan of the movie ‘Soul Man’ when I was younger.  You know, the movie about the white kid that takes tanning pills in order to become black and get a scholarship to Harvard.  I never felt guilty about it until Michael Richards, who tanned too long in that episode of Seinfeld, came out as a racist.  That hurt.  It just became too much for me to handle.  So a week before the Super Bowl, I finally stopped taking the pills.” Chicago Bears Coach Lovie Smith is disappointed that Dungy has been lying for all of these years and regrets not trying harder during the Super Bowl. “I figured it would be alright if I lost to Dungy, at least a black coach would win. If I had known he was white, I would have tried harder during the game, and I definitely wouldn’t have started Rex Grossman.” The only winner in this whole debacle is the media, who is already licking their lips at the prospect of once again reporting over and over again about a black coach finally winning the Super Bowl.  In an ideal world the media will get their chance next year with a Super Bowl match-up between the Bears’ Lovie Smith and Steelers’ new coach Mike Tomlin, who are both definitely black.
AA Sues to Get All SuperBowl Ads Pulled Off the Air Milwaukee, WI - Alcoholics Anonymous, the national organization established to help those recovering from alcohol abuse, has filed suit against several corporations for running commericals that AA deemed to be offensive during last weekend's Superbowl.  The move comes just two days after Gay Rights groups forced Snickers to pull a Superbowl ad they believed to be homophobic. "All our members have had trouble resisting urges to drink alcohol at one time or another," said AA spokeswoman Anne Bryson. "I think it was completely inappropriate for Budweiser to run all those commericals promoting their products to such a large audience." "Also we are going after various car companies that advertised during the Superbowl. Most of our members have had their licenses revoked for DUI's, making them relive those painful memories was completely uncalled for. In that same light, we have a case going against Careerbuilder.com since most of our members have been fired from their jobs." If AA wins their lawsuits it would leave GoDaddy.com's spot as the only commercial still airing on television.
Gary, Indiana Apparently Already the Victim of SuperBowl Rioting Gary, IN - Superbowl XVI might still days away, but the city of Gary, Indiana, which stands between both Chicago and Indianapolis, is already feeling its after-effects.  While the outcome of the big game between the Bears and the Colts will not be determined until Sunday night, it seems as though postgame rioting by unruly fans has already taken place.  Gary police have said that no actual reports of civil unrest have been called in to them, but burned-out cars, damaged or run-down storefronts, and massive amounts of garabge strewn about can be seen throughout the entire city. Residents are clearly displeased with the authorities' inability to stop rioting fans. "Everyday I leave my house for work I walk the streets in fear," said long time Gary inhabitant Andrew Pearl. "It doesn't matter if you're a Bears' fan or a Colts' fan, we all have to deal with this mess on a daily basis, and frankly we're getting sick of it."