Archived Football "News"
Archived Football "News"

Jerry Jones Elected to the Hall of Fame Birmingham, AL – It’s the call Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been waiting for his entire life, the call from the Hall of Fame. Unfortunately for Jones, his Hall of Fame call didn’t come from Canton, it came from Birmingham, Alabama, home of the Joe Namath Hall of Fame. Hall Curator Bren Killoran explained the resume of their newest member. “The Joe Namath Hall of Fame recognizes sports icons who display the year’s best drunken display of debauchery. Whenever a public figure drinks too much and makes stupid comments, we come a-calling.” The Joe Namath Hall of Fame was established in 2003 when Joe Namath told ESPN reporter Suzy Kolber that he couldn’t care that the Jets were struggling, and only wanted to kiss her. Jones’ election comes on the heels of the video that was released earlier this week where the Cowboys owner drunkenly curses former coach Bill Parcells, saying the only reason he brought him in was to get his $1.2 billion dollar stadium built and that Tim Tebow could never get on the field for him. “We nearly enshrined him a few years ago when he said that 500 coaches could win a Super Bowl, in reference to his former head coach Jimmy Johnson, but we couldn’t prove he was drunk. This time, Jerry was kind enough to slur his words, making this year's vote a no-brainer.” The Joe Namath Hall of Fame requires that you be named on 75% of the ballots in order to be enshrined. Pittsburgh Steelers' quarterback Ben Roethlisberger finished a close second with 69% of the vote. He was disappointed that he fell just short, but was pleased when he learned that he was named on 100% of the ballots submitted by underage drunk girls.






















Barber Announces Plans To Return To the Giants Phoenix, AZ - The week before the Super Bowl has always been a media extravaganza. Tuesday's Media Day brought about stunning revelations such as who Tom Brady's favorite band is and what movie Michael Strahan calls his favorite. However these tidbits were pushed aside after former New York Giants' running back Tiki Barber announced his plans to return to the Giants for the 2008-2009 season. "At the end of last season, it seemed as though my work with the team was complete", Barber told reporters. "However, after their success this year, I realize there's still so much that I want to accomplish." When asked about what else he'd like to accomplish, Barber was very candid with his answer. "I thought I had taken them down from the inside. I thought I had completely ruined Eli's confidence by questioning his role on the team and made the players lose faith in coach Coughlin, but I was wrong. Next year, I promise the Giants will return to mediocrity."



















Bill Belichick Earns Himself an Oscar Nod Hollywood, CA - The awards and accolades keep pouring in for this season's record-breaking New England Patriots. This week, Pats' head coach Bill Belichick received quite an unexpected honor when he learned he'd been nominated for an Oscar. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has decided to include the happy-go-lucky coach in this year's "Best Cinematography" category for his work entitled, "Jets' Defensive Coordinator, 9/9/07". Despite going straight to DVD, Belichick's project expects to provide stiff competition for front runners such as "The Assassination of Jesse James" and "No Country for Old Men". Belichick has accepted his invitation to the Oscar awards ceremony set for February 24th. The coach reportedly plans to attend the event donning a custom-made formal, yet elegantly baggy, sweatsuit provided by Champion.















Cowboys' Romo Returns Early From Trip to Mexico Dallas, TX - Fans across the state of Texas were relieved this week when quarterback Tony Romo returned home from his trip to Mexico after just two days away. The Cowboys' star had traveled there during the team's bye week with singer/actress Jessica Simpson who he is reportedly dating. Romo had told Cowboys' officials that he'd be coming back on Tuesday to resume preparation for their playoff game with the division-rvial New York Giants, but photographers caught him entering the team's training facility Sunday night. When asked about the change in plans, Romo had this to say. "I don't mind telling you guys that the sex down there was fantastic. But the conversation was absolutely painful. The first day we were down there I ordered tuna for lunch, you know, chicken of the sea, right?" "On the second day I ordered some buffalo chicken wings for dinner. After the meal I realized the cons of being with Jessica completely outweighed the pros so I came home. I just hope my fingers aren't still slippery from the wings." The Cowboys host the Giants in the Divisional Playoff round Sunday at 4:30pm EST.





















$100 Million Dollar Suite Filed Against Texas A&M College Station, TX - Federal prosecutors announced on Wednesday that automated teller machines across America were suing Texas A&M for copyright infringement. The source of the controversy stems from the logo used on Texas A&M's hats and apparel. The logo an "A" followed by a "T" followed by a "M" looks very similar to the logo used by automated teller machines. "It's extremely misleading," ATM representative Harvey Cocksmith said. "Just the other day I saw a drunk football fan at a Texas A&M game stumbling around and bumping into people. I asked myself, is that the type of person we want representing ATM machines? Representation like that is hurting our core business, namely ATM fees." ATM Machines claimed a 25% loss for the 4th quarter of 2007, their 5th consecutive losing quarter. The lawsuit hopes to recoup some of the fees lost because of drunk football fans in Texas.
















Colts Join The Patriots Hate Train Indianapolis, IN - The New England Patriots defeated the Indianapolis Colts last Sunday, 24-20 to pick up their 9th win of the season. However, the Patriots picked up something else besides the win, another team crying foul about the way the Patriots have been winning their games this year. The source of controversy began late in the 3rd quarter of Sunday's matchup. Colts Head Coach Tony Dungy discussed his teams complaint. "Once again the Patriots kept all of their starters in for the whole game", Dungy said. "They kept Brady and Moss and Welker on the field, and didn't bench any of their starters. Once again, I think they were trying to run up the score." When it was pointed out to Coach Dungy that the Colts were leading the game by ten points Dungy again came to his teams defense. "Everyone saw the way the game was going. It's ridiculous. They were out there trying to show us up. We'll definitely keep this in the memory bank for the next time we play them. Peyton and Reggie Wayne were letting up in the 3rd. We'll make sure they try really hard for the whole game the next time we meet them."
























O.J. Simpson Releases New Book "If I Stole Sports Memorabilia" Las Vegas, NV - As testimony piles up against O.J. Simpson in the case of stolen memorabilia, the former star running back released a book this week with which he hopes to convince the public, and more importantly a Las Vegas jury, of his innocence. In his book, entitled "If I Were to Steal Sports Memorabilia", Simpson insists he is innocent of the robbery and kidnapping offenses he's been charged with. In addition, he outlines in detail how he would go about robbing a sports memorabilia dealer at gunpoint in a Las Vegas hotel, if he were to do something like that, which he claims he never did. "Look, if I were guilty of armed robbery, why would I write about how I'd do it?" said Simpson following Thursday's hearing. "I promise to make it my life's work to track down the real robber, kidnapper, and murd...oops." Simpson's hearing will continue in Las Vegas on Friday.



















Adrian Peterson Has A Sympathizer Minneapolis, MN - Adrian Peterson shocked NFL fans last Sunday when he rushed for a single game record 296 yards against the San Diego Chargers. Shortly after his record setting day, Peterson recieved a phone call that was equally as shocking, former NFL great Barry Sanders. "I just wanted to call him to tell him that I had seen his game", Sanders said. "I also told him not to try so hard, because it all doesn't matter. That quarterback and line that he has in Minnesota is just as bad as those Detroit teams I was on in 90's. He's doomed to spend his NFL career the same way I did, watching the playoffs from home." Peterson said that he appreciated the call from Sanders and listened intently to what the Hall of Famer had to say. "He gave me some great advice. He told me about some great investment options that I can take advantage of in another two years when I finally get sick of losing. It all sounds pretty interesting and is definitely something that I'm going to start to explore." The 3-5 Vikings play at Green Bay this Sunday.




















Michael Vick...Back At It Again Atlanta, GA – As everyone knows, the battle over Iggy, a Brussels Griffon Terrier mix, has pitted talk show host Ellen DeGeneres against an animal rescue agency and, at one point, had her in tears on her show. The story was this weeks top celebrity gossip tidbit. However, what was unknown at the time is that this twisted tail of puppy love extends all the way into the sports world and to the front door of much maligned former Atlanta Falcon Quarterback Michael Vick. Vick’s name first surfaced after the pet adoption agency's owners complained of receiving death threats over the dispute. Upon investigation of the taped phone calls the Department of Homeland Security was able to deduce that the phone calls were from Vick. A spokesman for Vick confirmed late Thursday afternoon that it was his client behind the disturbing phone calls. Although it was originally thought that Vick had contacted the shelter in support of Ellen DeGeneres, it appears as though that is not the case. The Department of Homeland Security released the following statement. “Mr. Vick has been placing calls to shelters all across the country and telling them to drowned or electrocute any unwanted dogs. At that point Mr. Vick would make a threat of death if the shelter did not immediately cease their actions. Originally it was believed The Mr. Vick was showing support for Ms. DeGeneres, however it appears as though the cases are unrelated and we are merely dealing with a coincidence.” “We actually got pretty lucky in catching him”, said Agent Ralph Baird. “Fortunately for us he was calling places in California and called the same shelter that Ellen was crying about Once again, it looks like Mr. Vick was in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Ellen DeGeneres could not be reached for comment as she was still weeping.























Florida Gators Announce Plans to Sue Lacoste GAINESVILLE, Fla. – The University of Florida announced on Tuesday their plans to sue French clothing maker Lacoste. The lawsuit stems from what university officials are calling “improper use of an alligator”. In the lawsuit the University is demanding that all products in question be delivered to its campus in Gainesville for destruction. The lawsuit also names the four licensing partners involved in distributing the clothing and requests that the Lacoste pay punitive damages. The animal in question is the small green alligator that appears on the breast of Lacoste shirts. These shirts are notorious for coming in a variety of bright colors and often have the collars popped. Lacoste shirts are extremely popular with yuppies. According to Gator quarterback Tim Tebow, things with Lacoste have gone too far in recent months, and he is glad his school is going on the offensive. “I see those stupid shirts everywhere, at the mall, at our games, everywhere I go. The worst ones are the pink ones. What guy wears a pink shirt? And why the hell do they have to stick the collar up? What’s that for? These fruits are embarrassing gators across the nation.” The University of Florida adopted the alligator as their team mascot in 1911— 22 years before the French apparel company Lacoste was incorporated. Apparently, the University of Florida and the Lacoste have cooperated amicably in the use of the alligator symbol in the past, but it appears as though those days are over.



















Britney Spears Starts A New Career St. Louis, MO The world has been on a constant Britney watch for the past few months. Fans have been wondering where she will appear next, what she'll be wearing, and if she will try another comeback. Well the world learned the answer to these questions on Tuesday when the St. Louis Rams announced that they had signed Britney to a 3-year contract to replace injured left guard Orlando Pace. "It just makes sense for everyone involved", Rams General Manager Charlie Armey said. "She's had a tough time getting back to her pre-baby weight, and we thought this would be the perfect way for her to put the new weight to good use." Spears, who has never played football, has been mulling over this decision for months. According to Armey, Brit's recent head shaving incident was the first step in her decision to give football a try. "She shaved her head to fit in better with her teammates. And the lack of hair makes her helmet fit a bit better. We expect she'll step right in and make holes for Steven Jackson." Rams Quarterback Marc Bulger is excited about the move. "I used to have her poster on my wall. I fantasized about her backside, now she'll be protecting my backside. It's funny how the world works."




















Chad Johnson Could Do Time Cincinnati, OH – Bengals' wide receiver Chad Johnson spent the week leading up to this season’s first game telling anyone that would listen that his first touchdown celebration would be ‘mind blowing.’ However the only ‘mind blowing’ thing about the performance is that this one just might land him in jail. ESPN announced on Wednesday night that they were working on a lawsuit against Johnson for plagiarism, saying that he stole the idea for a fake Hall of Fame Jacket from a recent commercial featured by the cable mogul. Johnson donned the yellow jacket after his first quarter touchdown against the Baltimore Ravens. The jacked was adorned with the words ‘Future HOF 20XX”. ESPN is claiming that the celebration is very similar to the commercials they are currently running that feature current football stars being elected to the Fantasy Football Hall of Fame by everyday people who drafted them on their team. Through a prepared statement released to the press, ESPN had the following to say: “We are deeply saddened by the lack of creativity that Mr. Johnson has shown this year. It is quite obvious to us and to our lawyers that Mr. Johnson stole this idea from our commercials. We were clearly the first person or entity to perform mock Hall of Fame celebrations. For this reason, we ask the Mr. Johnson be locked away. If we have our way, Mr. Johnson will be blowing something other than everyone’s mind this time next year.”


















Giants' Strahan Needs Help Again East Rutherford, NJ - Michael Strahan has achieved a lot over the course of his 15-year career in the National Football League. He's made the Pro Bowl on seven different occasions and played in one Super Bowl. The Giants' defensive end is regarded as one of the most well-respected players in the National Football League. His stature has garnered him much help during his career, from teammates, opponents, and now, Giants' management. "Michael is clearly having difficulty retiring," said Giants' general manager Jerry Reese in a phone interview on Wednesday. "For all the years of service he's put in for this franchise, it's our duty to help him end his career. That is why we refused to offer him a competitive contract during this offseason." "Just like Brett Favre did a few years back, we too are proud to help Michael achieve another milestone," Reese concluded.















Michael Vick Still Betting on Dog Fighting Atlanta, GA – The old adage remains true: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Weeks after being accused of hosting dog fights at his house on Moonlight Road in rural Smithfield, Virginia, Michael Vick was back at it again last Saturday night, once again hosting a fight featuring two dogs. However, this time the fight did not feature two canines but instead featured two fellow NFL players. The players identified as former University of Georgia Bulldog Richard Seymour now of the New England Patriots and former Washington Huskie and current Tampa Bay Buccaneer Jerramy Stevens squared off in a fight to the death shortly after midnight. “I just can’t get it out of my system,” Vick said. “I’m addicted to it like people are addicted to cigarettes or drinking. You can’t just expect me to stop cold turkey. There’s just something about watching two dogs trying to kill each other.” NFL sources were unsure whether or not the fight was illegal and therefore are waiting until they have clarification if they can add it to the list of charges against Vick. PETA director Laura Koch however quickly came out against these fights with the statement, “We will protect all dogs, even former dogs.”

















U.S. Postal Service Names Michael Vick its "Man of the Year" Washington DC - There may be over five months left of this year, but the United States Postal Service has their man for 2007. The USPS announced from its headquarters on Tuesday that it has named Atlanta Falcons' quarterback Michael Vick its "Man of the Year 2007." Recent weeks have seen many organizations try to distance themselves from Vick, stemming from his alleged criminal involvement in a dog-fighting ring on his very own property. But the Postal Service believes it has found a true hero in their new official spokesman. "His committment to destroying the species that has tormented us for years is undeniable, and for that we champion Michael Vick," said USPS official Mike Hayes. "The dog has been a leech on human society for too long, we feel that not only should the charges against Vick be dropped, but that dog fighting should be encouraged throughout the country." The USPS also unveiled plans for a Michael Vick commemorative stamp to be issued sometime early in 2008.





















Brett Favre New Poster Boy For Bi-Polar Disease Green Bay, WI – NFL fans across the globe solved one of the greatest mysteries in sports earlier this week when it was revealed that Brett Favre suffers from bi-polar disease. Favre, who won back-to-back MVP’s in the mid-90’s, mysteriously morphed into one of the worst quarterbacks in NFL history. His quick downfall puzzled many NFL pundits, however Dr. Adrian Ober’s diagnosis this week gave closure to one of the NFL’s biggest quandaries. It was a tough week for Favre. First he demanded a trade, then he said he wanted to stay in Green Bay, and that he was disappointed his team didn’t trade for Randy Moss, forgetting that Moss is a total head case and a locker room cancer. Favre finished the week by announcing that he would not go to the upcoming mini-camp. Enter Dr. Ober with her diagnosis that Favre has bi-polar disease and her belief that he will most likely announce early next week that he is going to go to mini-camp. Dr. Ober met with reporters and explained how she was able to diagnose Favre. “His play the last few years was my first clue. He kept throwing interceptions, seemingly forgetting who was on his team. Then with the bizarre statements he was making, about wanting to be traded, then not wanting to be traded, and finally his constant press conferences about what he was doing, acting like he was still a star in the league and that people actually gave a shit about what his plans were. It was a simple diagnosis, first-year-med-school easy.” Teams around the NFL are worried that this diagnosis might lead to Favre throwing less interceptions and are already petitioning the league to make bi-polar medicine a restricted substance.
























Who’s Your Daddy Foxboro, MA – It seems that the hip thing to do these days is claim that you are the parent of a celebrity child. On the heels of the now-six men that have claimed to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, women across the country are alleging that Tom Brady is the father of their unborn baby. At least 7 women have come forward and said that the Patriots QB recently impregnated them. Brady however is denying all allegations. “There’s no way that all of them are carrying my kid. I was only in San Diego and Indianapolis for a week, then two weeks at the Super Bowl, so that’s what four, maybe five.” After news of Brady’s possible babies circulated, Brady received another dozen offers from ladies looking for Brady to sire their babies. The Oakland Raiders are reportedly interested in drafting at least one of these unborn children with the first pick in the upcoming draft.



















Super Scandal Indianapolis, IN – It was the perfect scenario, a black coach finally winning the Super Bowl, and during Black History Month to boot. However reports out of Miami this week are proving that it was too perfect of a story when fans around the world learned that Super Bowl winning coach Tony Dungy really isn’t black, he’s white. The shocking news came as Dungy met with reporters back in Indianapolis and his not so dark complexion was even lighter. When questioned again about his heritage, Dungy finally came clean. “I was a huge fan of the movie ‘Soul Man’ when I was younger. You know, the movie about the white kid that takes tanning pills in order to become black and get a scholarship to Harvard. I never felt guilty about it until Michael Richards, who tanned too long in that episode of Seinfeld, came out as a racist. That hurt. It just became too much for me to handle. So a week before the Super Bowl, I finally stopped taking the pills.” Chicago Bears Coach Lovie Smith is disappointed that Dungy has been lying for all of these years and regrets not trying harder during the Super Bowl. “I figured it would be alright if I lost to Dungy, at least a black coach would win. If I had known he was white, I would have tried harder during the game, and I definitely wouldn’t have started Rex Grossman.” The only winner in this whole debacle is the media, who is already licking their lips at the prospect of once again reporting over and over again about a black coach finally winning the Super Bowl. In an ideal world the media will get their chance next year with a Super Bowl match-up between the Bears’ Lovie Smith and Steelers’ new coach Mike Tomlin, who are both definitely black.




















AA Sues to Get All SuperBowl Ads Pulled Off the Air Milwaukee, WI - Alcoholics Anonymous, the national organization established to help those recovering from alcohol abuse, has filed suit against several corporations for running commericals that AA deemed to be offensive during last weekend's Superbowl. The move comes just two days after Gay Rights groups forced Snickers to pull a Superbowl ad they believed to be homophobic. "All our members have had trouble resisting urges to drink alcohol at one time or another," said AA spokeswoman Anne Bryson. "I think it was completely inappropriate for Budweiser to run all those commericals promoting their products to such a large audience." "Also we are going after various car companies that advertised during the Superbowl. Most of our members have had their licenses revoked for DUI's, making them relive those painful memories was completely uncalled for. In that same light, we have a case going against Careerbuilder.com since most of our members have been fired from their jobs." If AA wins their lawsuits it would leave GoDaddy.com's spot as the only commercial still airing on television.


















Gary, Indiana Apparently Already the Victim of SuperBowl Rioting Gary, IN - Superbowl XVI might still days away, but the city of Gary, Indiana, which stands between both Chicago and Indianapolis, is already feeling its after-effects. While the outcome of the big game between the Bears and the Colts will not be determined until Sunday night, it seems as though postgame rioting by unruly fans has already taken place. Gary police have said that no actual reports of civil unrest have been called in to them, but burned-out cars, damaged or run-down storefronts, and massive amounts of garabge strewn about can be seen throughout the entire city. Residents are clearly displeased with the authorities' inability to stop rioting fans. "Everyday I leave my house for work I walk the streets in fear," said long time Gary inhabitant Andrew Pearl. "It doesn't matter if you're a Bears' fan or a Colts' fan, we all have to deal with this mess on a daily basis, and frankly we're getting sick of it."
















Satan Mounts Newly-Purchased Peyton Manning Soul on Wall in Office Hades, Underworld - The hot, fiery walls of Hell's main office have a new addition this week, much to the delight of the Prince of Darkness. Early Sunday morning, the Devil completed a trade for the new wall decoration with Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. "The dope traded me his soul for a win in the AFC Championship game," said an excited Satan. "It was a no-brainer since sporting events are such an easy thing for me to fix. If I had an ounce of integrity I'd probably feel guilty about the deal." Even before Manning and the Colts had put the finishing touches on their win over the New England Patriots at the RCA Dome on Sunday night, the quarterback's soul had already been framed and mounted. "It looks great up there on my wall," continued Satan. "I put it next to the soul of Red Sox Nation which I bought back in 2004. That one cost me 8 wins but it was totally worth it too. The souls really bring the whole room together nicely."




















Michael Vick busted by former RA turned-Airport Rent-A-Cop Miami, FL – Earlier this week Michael Vick made headlines when he was searched at a Miami airport and was found carrying a water bottle that had a secret compartment containing a substance that smelled like marijuana. Vick had this to say, "A similar thing happened to me my junior year of college when my R.A. (Resident Assistant) caught me at the dorm with what he thought was weed. I told him that it was oregano and that if he let me off I would hook him up with a cheerleader." A reliable source has informed fourballs.com that it was actually the same R.A., who earlier this year achieved R.A. greatness by becoming an Airport-Rent-A-Cop, was the one who busted Vick. Vick once again claimed innocence. “It wasn't oregano this time and it certainly wasn’t weed. It was the medicine I’ve been taking to keep my herpes from flaring up.” The R.A. is reportedly still bitter that Vick never hooked him up in college, and that he’s still a virgin. But all is not lost, the R.A. is willing to forgive and forget if Vick can still get him that cheerleader he was promised.


















Rex Grossman Already Preparing for Super Bowl XLI Chicago, IL – Although there is still a week and a half until Super Bowl XLI, Rex Grossman has already begun his preparation for the big game. Grossman, who admitted to not preparing for his team's final game on New Years' Eve against the Green Bay Packers, has vowed not to be caught unprepared this time. Grossman has reportedly been seen around the Bears locker room repeatedly hitting the thumb on his throwing hand with a hammer. His coach Lovie Smith has taken notice, and is proud that the quarterback he has stuck with all year is working hard to prove him right. “Rex is willing to do anything it takes to win, and he’s showing it this week. Rex has been studying tapes of Peyton Manning and how he prepares for games. He’s been doing everything, right on down to getting daily treatment on his bad thumb. He’s committed himself to being just as prepared as Peyton. If we don’t win the Super Bowl, it won’t be because he’s unprepared, it’ll be because of the bad thumb.” Bears back-up quarterback Brian Griese has been taking a majority of the snaps in this week's practices while Grossman rests his thumb.

















NFL Vows to Avoid An “Oops I Did It Again” Situation New York, NY - It appears as though Britney Spears couldn’t buy a break from Meineke spokesman George Foreman. In another example of how the mighty have fallen, Spears announced this week that she has agreed to sing at the Pee-Wee Football Superbowl half-time show. This announcement comes on the heels of her agent’s offer earlier this week for Brit to perform during the NFL Halftime show (annually sponsored by Kids-R-Us and ShittyMusic.com). The NFL denied her request, sighting such reasons as her having no musical talent, no longer having the body that sold so many awful records, her sagging ass, her sagging sales, her being dumped by K-Fed, both sets of her loose lips, and last but certainly not least, the fear of a Nipple-gate '07 involving a singer that is currently breastfeeding.















The Smell of a Champion San Diego, CA – You can knock League MVP LaDainian Tomlinson down, but you can’t keep him down for long. After his top seeded San Diego Chargers fell to the New England Patriots in last weeks AFC Division Final, Tomlinson found a way to turn his disappointment into a stroke of marketing genius, announcing that he was coming out with a new fragrance for men named ‘Classy.’ The name comes from post game comments that Tomlinson made about the Patriots celebration. In his post game press conference Tomlinson referred to himself as a ‘classy’ guy. Reporters and NFL analysts quickly came to Tomlinson’s defense, and to a man referred to Tomlinson as a ‘classy’ guy and that he was just upset after only touching the ball nine times in the second half. Tomlinson spoke about his new cologne. “This cologne speaks to everything that I represent. It’s strong, it’s manly, and above all, it’s ‘Classy.’ Even if a guy is a loser, and doesn’t come through in big situations, he can wear this cologne and be ‘Classy.’ Best of all, when you wear this cologne, no matter what you say, you’re ‘Classy.’”
















Chargers Fight To Get All Flights Out of New England Cancelled San Diego, CA - As the top team in the AFC this season, the San Diego Chargers assured themselves that every one of their playoff games en route to the Superbowl would be played at Qualcomm Stadium. The team could not be taking their homefield advantage more seriously. On Monday, the Chargers announced that they would not be selling tickets to this weekend's game against the Patriots to anyone who does not have an address in Southern California. The team stepped up its effort on Thursday by negotiating with the FAA to get all air traffic out of the New England area grounded between now and Sunday's 4:15 kickoff. "We earned this right as Conference champs," said Chargers' coach Marty Shottenheimer. "Home field advantage is huge in the playoffs, it's why I kept LT in games way longer than I should have on several occasions." It is still unclear how the Patriots charter will manage to get the team out of Boston, nevermind the hundreds of commercial flights that would be ordinarily be leaving out of the region during that time.


















Several Bengals Players in Trouble With Law for Associating with Other Felons Cinncinnati, OH - The widely-publicized legal battles of the Cincinnati Bengals continued this week when several members of the team were arrested for violating the terms of their probations. The newest charges occured on the Bengals' first offensive drive in their Monday night contest against the Colts in Indianapolis. Following a kick return, the Bengals huddled on the field, as offenses normally do, to call their first play. Indiana State Troopers that were on hand at the RCA Dome that night immediately stepped onto the playing field and handcuffed five Cincinnati players that were already on probabtion for earlier offenses. The players were arrested and charged with "conspiring with other known felons", a clear violation of the terms of each of their probations. The consequences of such charges will vary among each conspirator, ranging from fines to off-season jail time. It is not clear whether authorities will also pursue action against the players for traveling over state lines to participate in the game.



















Tom Brady’s Bad Luck Continues Foxboro, MA – Fans will have to forgive New England Patriots’ quarter Tom Brady if he isn’t fully focused on his team's upcoming battle against the Jacksonville Jaguars, he’s had a tough last few weeks. It all began for Brady last week when gossip tabloids broke the story that Brady and his longtime girlfriend Bridget Moynahan had split. However, Brady was able to shake off the post relationship depression and defeat the Houston Texans. It remains to be seen how he will react this week after two more snubs. This week was equally as miserable for the Patriots' QB. On Wednesday the AFC Pro Bowl team was announced and that Brady was not one of the three quarterbacks named to the squad. Peyton Manning, Carson Palmer and Phillip Rivers earned the nod. Brady’s week got worse when fourballs reporters learned that one of the guys that beat him out, Phillip Rivers, was seen at a San Diego hot spot cuddled up with Brady’s ex Bridget Moynahan. Brady fought back in his press conference on Thursday. “Phillip got Bridget but I got his number three wide receiver Reche Caldwell at the start of this season, so I think we’re even. We’ll see which one of them helps us win a playoff game. Not to mention, he has to spend 6 months in Jacksonville, have you ever been to Jacksonville?” When photos of Caldwell and Moynahan were compared by fourballs reporters, we gave the nod to Rivers. Fourballs took it a step farther and compared the amount of drops each has had this year, and once again, we gave the nod to Rivers. Brady’s only hope now is a possible second round playoff matchup against Rivers' Chargers. Hopefully Moynahan won’t be in the crowd.





















Peyton Manning and Brian Urlacher Seen Singing 'Wish You Were Here' to Each Other at Local Kareoke Bar Gary, IN - Patty O'Shamrock's Irish Pub had never had one famous person ever walk through their doors in sixteen years. On Tuesday night, bartenders and patrons alike were shocked to see two enter their local drinking establishment. The two celebrities they witnessed that night were Indianapolis Colts' quarterback Peyton Manning and Chicago Bears' linebacker Brian Urlacher. The pair reportedly arrived at Patty's shortly after 8:00 Tuesday evening, and after a few rounds of beers, even sang a kareoke duet together. Manning and Urlacher's song selection was Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" which, according to several people at the bar that night, the two men appeared to sing to each other. It is not clear if the two men are both fans of Pink Floyd or if there was more to the story than that. Neither player could be reached for a comment as to why they chose that particular song.



















Jeff Garcia Signs With Captain Morgan’s Philadelphia, PA – A month ago, the Philadelphia Eagles were dead in the water. Fans thought the season was over when quarterback Donovan McNabb tore his ACL. At the time the Eagles were 5-5 and all seemed lost. However, the Eagles found an unlikely savior in retread quarterback Jeff Garcia. Now Garcia is looking to cash in on his new found fame. He announced on Thursday that he had signed a 6-year contract to be the exclusive spokesman for Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum. Captain Morgan’s President Darrell Claiborne provided details on his company’s choice of Garcia. “Jeff embodies everything that we are looking for in a spokesman. He’s good looking and his team is winning. But Jeff takes it a step farther with the way that he lives his life, he’s a perfect fit for our branding.” The decision behind signing Garcia centers on Captain Morgan’s recent aggressive advertising campaign centering around their tagline, “Got a little Captain in you?” Claiborne went on to describe Captain Morgan’s vision. “Our slogan is perfect for Jeff. There isn’t a Saturday night that goes by that Jeff doesn’t have a Captain, or an Admiral or even Joe Common Fan inside of him.”




















Stiff Penalties At USC Los Angeles, CA – A report surfaced Wednesday night that head coach Pete Carroll's last regular-season game as USC coach was Saturday’s loss to inter-state rival UCLA. Thursday morning proved that nothing could be further from the truth. Instead of firing their coach, the university has given Carroll even more control over the team, including the ability to take away the houses and the cars that the school had given to Trojan players and their families. The reason for this drastic move was Carroll’s dissatisfaction with his team’s failure to make the BCS Championship Game. Quarterback John David Booty was one of the players affected by Carroll’s punishment. “I came to USC because they take care of their players and their families. Now this. I spent the morning filling out transfer papers. I’m going to go to the University of Miami where they still know how to treat their players.” Booty wasn’t the only one to speak out against USC’s new self imposed sanctions. Trojan’s wide receive Dwayne Jarrett was equally disappointed. “They took care of (Reggie) Bush and (Matt) Leinart last year, they should take care of us. How am I supposed to concentrate on playing a game when I don’t wake up in my condo on the beach or have my Lexus SUV to get me to practice?” USC is scheduled to meet Michigan in the Rose Bowl on New Years Day.
























LT Feeling Like An Idiot For Drafting Shawn Alexander First in Last September's Fantasy Draft San Diego, CA - The saying 'hindsight is 20/20' is not very comforting to Chargers' running back LaDainian Tomlinson these days. Currently located in seventh place in his fantasy football league, LT's "Lightning Bolts" squad is in danger of missing the playoffs this season. Many experts watching the league closely attribute Tomlinson's disappointing season to a poor draft back in September, one in which the Lightning Bolts' GM selected Shawn Alexander with the first overall pick. "I wasn't sure how good a season I was going to have in real life," said Tomlinson in an interview. "I was nervous about playing with Phil [Rivers] who was untested until now and Shawn was coming off a Superbowl year. I just thought he was the better pick at the time, who knew he'd get hurt and I'd end up the fantasy stud I've become." First place in the league belongs to Shawne Merriman's "Juice Guys" with a record of 10-2.

















Duke Accepts Bid to Play in a Bowl Game Durham, NC – It’s been a difficult year for the Duke University Athletics Program. However all of their hard work and perseverance has finally paid off as the Duke Football team is on their way to their first College Football Bowl Game in years. Although Duke finished with a 0-12 record they were invited to play in the inaugural “Morning After Pill Bowl Game” against Al Gore Community College on December 28th in Cheboygan, Wisconsin. Head football coach Ted Roof is proud of his team’s accomplishments. “It took us awhile to come together as a team. We had 10 new players on our team this year, all of them transferred over from the lacrosse team, so it took a while for us to gel.” The 10 transfers from the lacrosse team have all been key contributors to this year’s Blue Devil team. Roof believes that the new players’ unique experiences will help them overcome their lack of football experience in their upcoming bowl game. “Most of these guys have never played football before this year. Hell, some of them didn’t even know what a football was. But the one thing all of these guys know about is the Morning After Pill. That’s got to count for something, doesn’t it?” Al Gore Community College is favored by 13.5 points.






















Cowboys' Parcells Makes Upgrade at Kicker Dallas, TX - In advance of a huge NFC East showdown with the Giants this weekend, Cowboys' head coach Bill Parcells made an upgrade at Dallas' kicker position. On Tuesday the team announced they had cut placekicker Mike Vanderjagt, and later in the week replaced him with veteran free agent Martin Gramatica. Statistically the NFL's all-time most accurate kicker, Vanderjagt has struggled this season for the Cowboys, including missing two field goal attempts against his former team, the Indianapolis Colts. Parcells, whose decision has been questioned by both his players and members of the media, attempted to explain himself in a press conference on Thursday. "I know that Mike is a good kicker. But he's human, he misses kicks from time to time. So when you look on the free agent wire and see someone called "Automatica", you have to go for it. When you have a choice between 'accurate' and 'automatic', then really it's an easy one to make." Vanderjagt was unavailable for comment but was spotted on Wednesday at a local bar getting drunk and mouthing off about Peyton Manning.


















Favre Re-wins Starting Position The Old Fashioned Way…Injury Green Bay, WI – Green Bay Packers' quarterback Brett Favre kept his streak of 251 consecutive starts alive with his "not too bad for an old guy" performance in Sunday’s 35-0 loss to the New England Patriots. Favre won the equivalent of the quarterback lottery when he watched his backup, Aaron Rodgers break his foot in the third quarter of the same game. Said Favre after his lackluster performance, "I’m riding out my career Cal Ripken style. Did Ripken sit down for a day when he hit .252 in 1987, or .250 in 1990, or .251 in 1992? How about when he averaged over 25 errors a year between '83-'85? The great ones keep on going, and that’s how I want to be remembered. Maybe they’ll do the equivalent of grooving me a pitch in the Pro Bowl a-la Ripken in the 2001 All Star Game and I’ll get to throw one last touchdown." Favre is expected to be re-signed for the 2007 NFL season so that he can take a 5-month farewell tour at the expense of the fans of the Green Bay Packers and his team's chances of making the playoffs.

















Peyton’s New Place Indianapolis, IN – The Indianapolis Colts stand atop the AFC South Division with a perfect 9-0 record, prompting talk of a possible undefeated season. However the Colts will have to attempt to join the ‘72 Dolphins without their starting quarterback and probable league MVP Peyton Manning. The shocking news came during Wednesday’s press conference. In what many thought would be a discussion of their upcoming game against the Dallas Cowboys, Peyton Manning announced that he was retiring from football effective immediately. Peyton was quick to explain what his next steps would be and how he had reached this surprising decision. “I’ve been offered a chance to star in my own sitcom. The programming executives at NBC saw my commercials and decided that I was a real talent. My agent thinks my ‘Q’ rating will go through the roof once I get the helmet off and everyone can see my face.” When asked what the new show would be called and possible plot, Peyton began to answer, but quickly reverted to his old self and called an audible at the line. “The name of the show is going to be called ‘Peyton’s Place’. It’s going to be about… Well, I probably shouldn’t say anymore. Let me just say that we have a couple of great writers and I’m confident this show could be better than ‘Seinfeld’.” Following his brief statement Manning quickly ended the press conference. The abrupt end to his career has spurred a series of internet rumors about the real reason behind Manning’s retirement. According to team sources Manning might have severely injured his hand during the filming of a recent commercial when he mistakenly cut his thumb instead of ‘that meat’. Stay tuned.

























Members of the Media Diagnosed With Amnesia After Predicting Colts' as SuperBowl XLI Champs New York, NY - Doctors at New York-Presbyterian hospital announced on Monday they had admitted several members of the sports media under their care. The medical staff became alarmed when writers for many of the country's top sports publications put out articles declaring the Indianapolis Colts would be the winners of Superbowl XLI this winter. "The Colts' victory Sunday night against the Patriots in Foxboro was impressive. There's no doubt about that," said Dr. Richard Black, chief of neurosurgery at New York-Presbyterian. "But when all these highly respected writers came out on Monday morning with these predictions about the Colts it raised a lot of red flags to us in the medical community. Anyone who can clearly remember the last three football seasons would never make such a comment, especially not publicly. We just wanted to treat their symptoms early before their careers as reputable journalists were completely ruined." It is not certain how long the sports writers will remain in the hospital, but doctors are hoping a Colts' loss will be enough to cure the patients of their collective amnesia. Unfortunately Indianapolis plays host to the Buffalo Bills this Sunday.




















Bill Parcells Turns To Food To Fight Depression Dallas, TX – The stunning events of Sunday’s 22-19 loss to division rival Washington Redskins has led Dallas Cowboys' Head Coach Bill Parcells spiraling into what friends are calling “a deep and dark depression.” According to family friend Brian Gill, Parcells locked himself in the coaches' office after Cowboys' kicker Mike Vanderjagt’s game winning field goal attempt was blocked and returned to the Cowboys' 30-yard line, setting up Nick Novak’s 47-yard game winning field goal. “Bill’s been depressed before but never like this. As soon as the game was over he was on the phone with Domino’s ordering 3 large pizzas and two dozen buffalo wings. I didn’t think too much of it until he called me later in the week and told me to go pick up some new clothes for him, cause his didn’t fit anymore.” Parcells' weight has fluctuated throughout his successful coaching career but never like this. Gill went on to say that he was deeply concerned about the health of his friend. “He’s been big before. This isn’t the first time he’s been in a size 50 pant. The thing that I’m really concerned about is his bra size. He’s moved all the way up to a 52 DD.” The Cowboys will try to get back on track this week against the Arizona Cardinals.




















Sports Memorabilia Craze Helping the Divorce Rate Stay High Pittsburgh, PA – A recent report released by marriage councilors has shown a sharp spike in the divorce rate in cities that have NFL teams. Experts believe the reason for the sharp increase isn’t caused by husbands spending too much time watching the NFL Network but instead around the increasing popularity of “Fat Heads.” You might be asking, what is a “Fat Head?” A “Fat Head” is described as a life-size decal of an athlete that sports fans can put up on their wall. The acrylic decal can be moved from wall to wall by “peeling and replacing anytime, anywhere.” Sports super station ESPN runs commercials advertising “Fat Heads” every hour claiming it is the only way that a true sports fan can show his or her allegiance for their team. Kellie Nolan doesn’t agree and cites the arrival of a Ben Roethlisberger “Fat Head” as the final straw that led to her divorce. “I couldn’t take it anymore. The first time I walked into the living room it was next to the TV. The next time I came in, it was next to the couch. It got so ridiculous that Dave even moved it to the bedroom when we made love. I couldn’t go anywhere without seeing that stupid sticker. When he told me he was going to get a Troy Polamalou “Fat Head”, I called my lawyer and filed the papers.”




















Merriman Helps Set Record San Diego, CA - Chargers' linebacker Shawne Merriman apologized to his teammates Monday, a day after it was reported that the second-year Pro Bowl player faces a possible four-game suspension for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy. However Merriman maintained his innocence, blaming the positive steroid test on one of his over the counter supplements. Merriman’s plea of innocence keeps alive a streak of 1,000 athletes, all who have tested positive for a banned substance, claiming they are innocent. Sports fan Bill Hamilton is in awe of the streak. “It’s amazing that it’s gone this long. This streak has crossed through multiple sports and multiple generations. All of these guys and girls claiming they’re innocent. You’d think one of these athletes would fess up and admit, but instead they blame it on a supplement or a vitamin B shot. I think this is more impressive than Joe DiMaggio’s hit streak and Peyton Manning’s touchdown record combined.” It doesn’t appear this streak is going to end anytime soon, meaning the most impressive record in sports history continues.




















Pining For the Pats Old QB Boston, MA – Five years ago the New England Patriots chose quarterback Tom Brady over incumbent quarterback Drew Bledsoe by trading him to the Buffalo Bills. The decision, at the time, was controversial amongst fans. Sure, Brady led the Pats to an upset over the heavily favored Rams, but Bledsoe was a former number-one pick, and his supporters argued that no player should ever lose his job to injury. Two more Super Bowl victories later, nearly all fans agree that Bill Belichick and the Patriots made the right decision. We say ‘nearly all’ because not every fan agrees. Enter Patriots’ super fan Kevin Murphy of Stoughton: “We’d be 6-0 if we had Drew. Bledsoe’s the best. It bothers me to no end every time I see Brady moving out of the pocket, avoiding the rush. I scream at the television, you’re a quarterback, stand in the pocket and take your lumps. How are you going to complete a pass moving around like that? It’s retarded.” With Tony Romo taking over the Dallas Cowboy’s starting quarterback duties and Bledsoe on the bench, Murphy sees it as an opportunity to finally right a wrong. “The Cowboys aren’t going to play him. I say we trade for him. Lets give them Laurence Maroney and a number one pick. If that’s not enough, throw in a second round pick as well. We need him. Save the season and get him back here. And while they’re at it, bring back Lawyer Milloy, that Harrison guy isn’t half the player Lawyer is.”























Dolphins Strip Rest of NFC North of QB's in Search of Reliable Starter Miami, FL - The Dolphins' disappointing 1-4 start to this season prompted team management this week to scour the National Football League for potential starting quarterbacks. The Fins' off-season acquisitions of quarterbacks Daunte Culpepper from Minnesota and Joey Harrington from Detroit have thus far proved to be disasterous. The team's stumbling out of the gate caused Miami general manager Randy Mueller to go back to the well on Wednesday, engineering deals for Packers' cornerstone Brett Favre and Bears' underachiever Kyle Orton. "We feel the NFC North is one of the deeper divisions in the National Football League," said Mueller on Wednesday. "Tapping their pool of talent can only make our football club stronger. We just tapped the wrong guys last Summer, we think we got it right this time." No word on whether Gus Ferrotte had been contacted by team officials.




















Terry Glenn Sits in Idling Car in Garage Just to Get Attention Fort Worth, TX - It appears the media circus that surrounded Terrell Owens' alleged suicide attempt last week has left his teammates envious of not just his on-the-field skills, but of all his attention as well. On Monday, Owens' fellow receiver Terry Glenn was found sitting in his car while it idled in his garage. Terry's wife Illyana discovered her husband's apparent suicide attempt shortly after 4:30 in the afternoon. Reports say he'd been there for about 5 minutes honking the horn wildly as the car sat running. The door to the garage was open at the time. When Mrs. Glenn approached the car and asked the Cowboys' receiver what he was doing he reportedly looked dejected and asked "Where are all the cameras?" Bill Parcells could not be reached for comment.


















Oakland Raiders to Be Replaced By Raiderettes Oakland, CA – It hasn’t been a good first month of the season for the once proud Oakland Raiders. With a quarter of the season in the books, the winless Raiders find themselves at the bottom of the AFC West with a 0-3 record. Critics blamed the poor start on the Raiders decision not to draft QB Matt Leinart and instead go with NFL retread Aaron Brooks. The ever fragile Brooks was hurt during the second game of the season. Many NFL pundits are predicting that the Raiders will be hard pressed to win more than 3 games this year. Despite the gloomy outlook, the Raiders are not quite ready to call the 2006 season a complete loss. In an effort to shake things up, Raider owner Al Davis announced earlier this week that the Raider Cheerleaders the Raiderettes would take the field against cross bay rival San Francisco Forty-Niners this Sunday, and that the Raiders players would take over the cheerleading duties. In responding to reporters questions about his decision, Davis had this to say. “These guys stink. They throw like girls, they hit like girls, hell they play like girls. So I figured we might as well make them dress like girls. We figured we would replace them with the cheerleaders. If we replaced them with real players it would be too much of a shock to our fans. If I have to see one more grown man dressed like a dominatrix in silver face paint cry, I’m going to puke. I did this for them.” Although many see Davis’ decision to start the cheerleaders as controversial, it is not an unprecedented move. The Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals started a team of girls from 1987-1999.






















Steelers Defense Vows to Payback Bengals for Their Nasty Comments Made During Last Year's Playoffs Pittsburgh, PA - The 2006 edition of the Steel Curtain defense is angry. Not even last year's Superbowl victory could erase the chip on their shoulders they have had since their Wild Card round playoff game against the Cincinnati Bengals. On a play early in the contest back in Janaury, then-Steeler defensive tackle Kimo von Oelhoffen hit quarterback Carson Palmer's, injuring his knee, ending his and effectively the Bengals' season. Palmer has worked hard night and day all this off-season to rebuild his badly damaged knee and get back on the field this season. His comeback has been one of the more remarkable subplots in the young season. But comments made by several Bengals players to the media following the playoff game implied that they felt the Steelers intentionally injured their star QB. "Those statements by the Bengals really hurt our feelings," said Steelers' linebacker Joey Porter. "We've spent the entire off-season working hard in an effort to repair the damage they've done to our reputation. Now it's payback time for everything they said about us."





















A New Spin on an Old Standby Pittsburgh, PA – Milton Bradley, the world renowned toy maker, announced on Wednesday that they would re-release a game that has amused children for years, this time with a modern update. “Operation”, a game only mastered by players who are steady of hand as they try to remove various bones and organs from a playing field in the shape of a human, will be re-released under the new title, “Operation, Ben Roethlisberger.” “We’ve had a tough time competing with the internet and with video game systems like Play Station and the XBox. We needed to dress up an old standby, but make it more appealing to the modern day kid”, Hasbro CEO Michael Melvin said. Roethlisberger, who has gone under the knife three times in the last nine months, once for his knees, once after a motorcycle crash, and most recently for his appendix, was tabbed as the star of this game in order to boost what market expert are calling an ever declining market in the board game industry. “We’re hoping to cash in on his immense popularity. Not to mention, we’re pretty sure that he’s one Ray Lewis hit away from rupturing his spleen. What kid wouldn’t have fun trying to remove Ben’s spleen in order to get him back out on the field in time to roll over the Cleveland Browns.”



















Eli Drops to 0-2 in Manning Bowls New York, NY – New York Giants' quarterback Eli Manning knew he would get a second chance to beat a team led by a quarterback named Manning, hoping that some day his Giants would meet Peyton’s Colts in the Super Bowl. However, he didn’t think it would come this soon. A second chance was just what he got on Wednesday when the Giants' second team scrimmaged the first team, and taking the snaps under center for the Giants' bench players was none other than Archie Manning, Eli and Peyton’s daddy. And once again, Eli was on the losing end. Archie Manning easily led the Giants' reserve squad to 31-0 victory as he threw three touchdowns and no interceptions. Eli had difficulty once again hitting open receivers, fumbled three snaps, and threw two more interceptions in the loss. Archie Manning, who has been retired for twenty-two years, told reporters that he thought this would be the perfect time for him to come out of retirement. “After watching how terrible Eli was on Sunday night, I knew I could come back and be an effective quarterback in the NFL. If they’ll give him the reigns to an NFL team, then they’ll give me, a 57-year-old guy with two bad knees, a chance.” Following the scrimmage, the Giants announced that they had agreed to a one-year contract with Archie. Giants’ coach Tom Coughlin said he will announce who will start on Sunday against the Philadelphia Eagles, later this week.






















Wannabe Jocks Across America Celebrate Release of Madden 2007 Parsippany, NJ - When the clock rang midnight on Wednesday video-game enthusiasts across the United States rejoiced as EA Sports' officially released its Madden 2007 for various game consoles. Electronics stores kept special hours to allow customers to purchase the new version of the popular football video game at the earliest possible time. The National Electronic Recreation and Development Society (N.E.R.D.S.) estimated that over 40,000 geeks waited in line to buy the latest installment of "Madden". According to NERDS, the 18-34 scrawny male demographic is the largest annual consumer of the game, while real life football players make up less than .1% of all users. I love the realistic game play, it gets more like the real thing every year, said longtime Madden fan Evan Dobelle. "I've owned every version of this game since back in the mid-1990's." When asked how he'd know what it feels like to play in an actual football game, Dobelle had no comment.


















Steve McNair Car-Jacks Local Family as Part of Ravens' Initiation Bethesda, MD - Quarterback Steve McNair may have signed a contract with the National Football League team from Baltimore back on June 8th, but he did not officially became a Raven until this week. In the final task of his Summer-long initiation process, Steve McNair successfully car-jacked a family of five at knife point on Tuesday evening. The Hendersons of Chevy Chase, MD, were getting into their Dodge Grand Caravan with their 3 children at approximately 6:55pm EDT after a nice meal at the Bethesda Applebees. That is when the assailant McNair reportedly approached them and demanded the keys. Lawrence Henderson, 47, relinquished control of the minivan to the Ravens' quarterback without resistance. McNair then proceeded to drive the family to the Ravens practice facility 25 miles away in Owings Mills, MD where, unbeknownst to any of them, the team had a fully-catered barbeque awaiting them. Upon their arrival the team declared McNair an official member of the Ravens organization and everyone enjoyed steak tips, ribs, and plenty of potato salad.


















Your Fantasy Football Team Already Falling Apart at the Seams Yahoo.com - You escaped the wrath of your buddies last weekend by putting together what looked to be a solid squad at your fantasy football league draft. But the opening of the NFL preseason schedule proved to be a rough one as your "Dirty Pigskins" team suffered several setbacks this week. It began with your first round pick, Washington running back Clinton Portis, separating his shoulder in the Redskins' first game of the preseason on Monday. Tuesday saw your kicker, the Colts' Adam Vinatieri, miss practice with a sprained left ankle. Then on Wednesday, wide receiver Koren Robinson, which appeared to be a steal for you in the tenth round, was arrested by Minnesota police on suspected DUI charges. You could not be reached for comment on any of the three players, but one general manager from your league, speaking on the condition of anonymity had this to say. "Wow that's great news. I will gladly take that chump's money. Thanks for playing!"



















Pimp the Texan’s Ride Houston, TX – The Houston Texans shook things up this past off season by firing coach Dom Capers and replacing him with former Broncos' offensive coordinator Gary Kubiak. However, after one preseason game the Texans still aren’t happy with their situation. Kubiak informed reporters on Wednesday that the Texans are looking for a new company Carr and have turned to MTV and their hit show Pimp My Ride, for help. “The Carr we have isn’t getting any younger. Not to mention, the new Carr smell is gone. I’m not sure it was ever even there. It’s time we make a change to something that’s a little bit flashier, maybe something that will attract more women.” MTV producer Darrell Intress believes that they can help the Texans get to the playoffs in 2006. “We have something in mind for them. Something that is a little faster, maybe gets some better gas mileage. With the ever rising price of gas, a supped-up Carr is just what the Texans need. And we promise to do it for them and keep them under the salary cap.”




















Dolphins Defense Takes One In The Rear Miami, FL – Miami Dolphins' defensive end Jason Taylor shocked fans and teammates last week when he announced he was divorcing his wife and fellow teammate Zack Thomas’ sister, Katina Taylor. It was originally reported that both Taylor and Thomas believed that the split would have no effect on the team. However reporters learned this Wednesday that this was not the case. In a press conference following Wednesday’s practice, Dolphins' head coach Nick Saban addressed the fallout from Taylor’s divorce and how it affected his relationship with both Thomas and the rest of the team. “Jason and Zack told me today that they both need to leave the team for an undisclosed amount of time. They aren’t sure when they’ll be back, only that they have something they need to take care of first.” This statement lead reporters to believe that Taylor and Thomas would seek professional help, however when questioned as to where the two players were going and what they were going to do, Saban shocked reporters with what is sure to be water cooler fodder for the next month. “The real reason that Jason divorced Katina was so he could marry Zack. They’re moving to Massachusetts to get hitched. I knew something funny was going on between those two. They were patting each other in the butt way too much, and not even just after good plays. They got so bad they were whacking each other in the fanny after a missed tackle. Now I’m without two of my best defensive players.” According to Dolphins' owner Wayne Huizenga the team will quickly replace one of the roster spots vacated by the two love birds with another former Dolphin. “We have contacted the Toronto Argonauts because we need Ricky Williams and his peace pipe right now. The sooner I get the image of Taylor and Thomas together in the shower out of my head, the better.”























Cincinnati Bengals Ink Maurice Clarett to Multi-Year Deal Cincinnati, OH - Wednesday turned out to be quite an eventful day in the life of 22-year-old Maurice Clarett. The morning saw his arraignment for illegal possession of firearms and fleeing police from the previous night. But by dinner time on Wednesday Clarett was at the top of the Cincinnati Bengals' running back depth chart. Seeing him as a perfect fit for their franchise, the Bengals signed Maurice Clarett to a lucrative multi-year deal. "With the recent direction our personnel has been going in, this kid will be a great addition for our organization," said Bengals' executive Joe Reynolds. "A guy like that deserves to be locked up for five to seven years so that's exactly what we did. We agreed to a lengthy deal with a couple of option years." "He's proved himself to be a great runner, especially in traffic. If you watch him you'll see it takes several guys working together to catch him. Some of our other players might even learn something from him about not getting caught."



















Saints Try To Give Their Fans A Little Bush New Orleans, LA –New Orleans Saints' general manager Mickey Loomis didn’t sleep much on Wednesday night. Instead, like many men across the country, he was trying to get Bush. Loomis for one, doesn’t believe that he’ll be Bush-free for too long. “My record might show that I have a tough time ‘sealing the deal’. But not this time. It’s Bush I want, and Bush I’m going to get.” Saints' fans share the same wants and desires as their team’s general manager. Dave Miller, who has been a season ticket holder for the last ten years had this to say, “I need it. It’s all I think about. Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush. Even when I’m with my wife, all I can think about is Bush.” In other news around camp, the Saints are reportedly close to signing their first round pick, running back from USC, Reggie Bush.


















Bush in ‘08 Washington, DC – NFL Teams received shocking news late Wednesday night when USC star running back, and probable number one draft pick Reggie Bush, withdrew his name from this weekend's NFL Draft. Bush, who has been in hot water all week over a house in Southern California that was illegally provided for his family, announced that instead of toiling for the next 5 years with an untalented Houston Texans team, he would instead mix it up in an untalented-Washington DC, and would run for President of the United States. At a press conference Thursday morning, Bush had this to say, “People in America love to vote for a Bush. And I’m the most popular Bush out there. I’m banking on the people of America having a short memory when it comes to past indiscretions. It’s not like I got a DUI or did a bunch of coke. I took some money. Hey, it worked for Clinton.” On a related note, President George W. Bush announced that because of his declining popularity numbers, he would declare himself eligible for the NFL Draft, hoping that some team out there, might pick him on name only. “It worked once, hell, it worked twice. It’ll work again.”





















NFL Referee Ed Hochuli Expected To Go in Third Round of Upcoming Draft New York, NY - When expert Mel Kiper, Jr. posted his mock football draft on a popular sports website Wednesday, he raised more than a few eyebrows around the league. While his early rounds contained players many expected to see, his third round created quite a buzz. Kiper predicted that the Green Bay Packers would select current NFL referee Ed Hochuli with their third selection in the draft. "His work ethic in the gym beats the pants off anybody else out there," reported Kiper. "He's got tremendous upside for a 54-year-old and obviously knows the rules of the game inside and out. The Packers need a strong presence at middle linebacker and Hochuli is bigger than any kid that'll still be available at that stage of the draft." When asked for comment Hochuli just shrugged his broad shoulders and said, "I'm out there every Sunday working my tail off, it's about time somebody noticed."

















Vince Young Scores a 6 out of 50 on Wonderlic Test By Correctly Spelling His Name Indianapolis, IN - The rumors circulating around the NFL Combine this week about Vince Young's Wonderlic test were confirmed Wednesday when league executives officially released the scores. Texas quarterback Vince Young, expected to be among the top picks in next month's draft, had reportedly scored a six out of a possible 50 points on his exam. While many at first questioned this rumor, Wednesday's announcement by the NFL verified Young's low marks. The Wonderlic test is given to all prospects at the Combine to assess their mental abilities. Players are awarded six points to begin the test when they spell their name correctly at the top of the exam's first page. Teams at the top of the draft that will be vying for Young include the Houston Texans, New Orleans Saints, Tennesse Titans, and New York Jets. When asked for comment, Saints' official Sam Gendason, speaking on the condition of anonymity, had this to say: "Even if he can't tie his own shoes we don't care. We pay training staff to do that. We'd get him to help us win games in the National Football League. Look at Aaron Brooks, he doubled Vince's score and what's he done for us?"



















I Was Going to Go to the Eye Doctor…But Then I Got High Rochester, MN – Miami Dolphins’ running back Ricky Williams was presented with the Bausch & Lomb Eye Care Overachiever of the Year award after he attended a record 42nd yearly screening for glaucoma at the Mayo Clinic on Friday. Obstetrician Bob Sacameno had this to say, "We’re not really sure where Ricky is going with this whole thing. Ricky obviously cares about his eyes, but it’s almost as if he desperately wants to have a disease so horrible that it can only be treated with THC. His recent behavior makes us lean to the latter, especially after we caught him making out with a 78 year-old patient just diagnosed with the ocular disease while muttering something about catching a 'contact' high.” Miami Dolphins’ Coach Nick Saban briefly discussed Williams latest reported problems with his eyes during his weekly press conference by saying, “Our eyes are pretty fine. The one thing we can’t see is Ricky Williams playing for the Dolphins next year.”

















The Bigger The Feet, The Bigger The… Detroit, MI – Seattle Seahawks’ Tight End Jerramy Stevens, who was credited with countless dropped balls, has been blasted on national TV and radio shows and labeled as a main reason that Seattle lost Super Bowl XL. In a press conference following the game Stevens admitted fault but didn’t believe it had anything to do with the pre-game psyche-job administered by Pittsburgh Linebacker Joey Porter, or his obvious lack of talent. “It wasn’t my fault, it was my damn hands. I wanted to catch the ball, but my hands didn’t. They were obviously against me tonight. This isn’t the first time, but I guarantee you it will be the last time.” Seahawks' General Manager Bob Ferguson echoed the statements made by Ferguson and said that the team would act swiftly this off-season to rectify the problem. “We are in trade talks right now with former Philadelphia Eagles' Wide Receiver Freddy Mitchell. Freddy has made many references to his hands and has often times thanked them for his success in games. They are the kind of hands we need to get us to the next level. We’re currently trying to work out a deal where we would trade Jerramy’s feet for Freddy’s hands. You know what they say about guys with big feet, and Jerramy’s are huge. From what we’ve heard from Eagle Cheerleaders, Freddy would be an even bigger idiot than we all ready think he is, if he doesn’t accept our deal.”


















Halftime Entertainment Detroit, MI – The BRAVO Network announced on Monday that they will hold their own Halftime Show during this Sunday’s Super Bowl. An all-male football game dubbed “The Banana Sling Bowl” previews this year, and is sure to be an exciting showdown that will finally bring some competition to Pay-Per-View’s heralded, “Lingerie Bowl”. Some fans are most certainly anticipating this weekend's game between the “Tight Ends” and the “Wide Receivers”. One fan outside Ford Field remarked, “I’m looking more forward to the 'Banana Sling Bowl' than the 'Super Bowl' this year. In my opinion, it’s too tight to call. Sure the “Wide Receivers” have a bunch more experience, but the “Tight Ends” are rookies, and way more likely to gobble up the competition.” NFL great, Terry Bradshaw, is a bit more skeptical regarding the game. “Have you seen these two quarterbacks throw? They’re all limp wristed when they throw. You’d think they were actually right-handed and just trying to throw left-handed. Sure they’d both start for the Lions, but this is Super Bowl Weekend. I expect a lot more.” Like it or not, Sunday’s game on BRAVO is sure to appeal to their target audience, and maybe, just maybe, convert a few new fans.




















Super Bowl Bros to Super Bowl Foes 8 Mile, MI - The NFL has announced that this Sunday's big game will have a halftime show that is sure to be more of a train-wreck than when Britney teamed up with Aerosmith. The recent addition is a no-holds-barred deathmatch between disgruntled WR Terrell Owens and disingenuous QB Donavan McNabb. The usually reserved Owens had this to say about the upcoming fight, "Tell momma's boy he's going down! Have you seen my abs lately? I'm coming for him. Don't even think I got soft this year." When reached for comment McNabb had this to say, "I won't speak with you. I'll only speak with an African-American reporter. To speak to a white reporter would be a disservice to my people." Although we won't venture a guess as to who will win the game or the fight, the name deathmatch does give this writer hope that this time next year one of these two clowns will be nothing but a distant memory.




















From the Fourballs Files... Ed McCaffrey Found Guilty of Aiding and Abetting O.J. Simpson Los Angeles, CA (February 2, 1995) - After months of litigation, Denver wide-receiver Ed McCaffrey was finally found guilty by a jury late Wednesday afternoon at the Los Angeles County District Courthouse. Following hours of deliberation, the jury announced at 5:00PM PST that they believed the white Bronco was indeed guilty of aiding in the escape attempt made by Simpson back on June 17th of last year. The low-speed police chase was a spectacle seen by millions across the country as television news helicopters caught most of the sixty-mile pursuit on camera. McCaffrey was sentenced to 1000 hours of community service, although having to play with perennial Superbowl runner-up John Elway will be allowed to count toward those hours. The murder trial of O.J.Simpson continues Monday when prosecuters will force the former USC star to try on a blood-stained leather glove found at the scene. Law experts expect the glove to fit, ending all hopes to acquit.



















Your Dumb Friend Won't Stop Calling It "SuperBowl Extra-Large" Your Living Room - Tim Boyle, regarded by many as the most annoying of all your friends, has taken to calling this year's NFL championship game, "SuperBowl Extra Large". Reports say Boyle used the term several times while he was at your house last weekend for the conference championship games, but it is still unclear whether he knows that 'XL' is Roman Numeral for the number forty, or if he really thinks it's meant to be Extra Large. "I was in the other room reading last Sunday and 'XL XL XL' is all I could freakin hear," said your girlfriend. "The fact that I already find Timmy loud and totally annoying doesn't help. I really wish we could like un-invite him to our SuperBowl party next week." The next two weeks look like they are going to suck for you, as you can expect to receive numerous emails and texts from Boyle in which he will repeatedly refer to the game, you, your party, and everything related to it, as "Extra Large".

















Holmgren Out as Seahawks Coach Seattle, WA – Officials for the Super Bowl-bound Seattle Seahawks confirmed on Thursday that Head Coach Mike Holmgren is no longer coaching the team. Instead it is Gene Parmesan, the world’s greatest detective (honest) that will lead the Seahawks into battle next Sunday against the Pittsburgh Steelers, in Super Bowl XL. According to sources, the coaching change took place back in October after Seattle’s overtime loss to the Washington Redskins. Surprisingly, no one was made aware of this change. The fans, the media and even the team were kept in the dark. Seahawks' owner Paul Allen said that the change was necessary to salvage the team’s season. “I was sick of Holmgren always blowing the close game. We had to get rid of him. But our players and the fans loved him, so there was no way we could make the switch. Then someone suggested I check out this guy Gene Parmesan, the master of disguise. Sure he didn’t have any coaching experience, but he’s a private eye, and he’s used to playing a bunch of different characters.” Seahawks' running back Shawn Alexander suspected that something was different about his Head Coach early on in the season. “Sure I could tell. I know Gene Parmesan is the world’s greatest detective (honest) and a master of disguise, so it wasn’t his physical appearance. I knew something was up when Coach Holmgren, I mean, Coach Parmesan, told me that he wanted me to win the rushing title. Mike was a dick to me last year. He never would have said something like that.”




















Not Paying Attention to Your Coach…Priceless Indianapolis, IN – Indianapolis Coach Tony Dungy had to be restrained by fellow coaches from attacking star quarterback Peyton Manning during the 4th quarter of Sunday’s loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers. Manning was missing from the sideline and did not take part in the strategy as the team attempted to strategize a final drive. According to sources, instead of speaking with coaches about the ever-blitzing Steelers' defense, Manning abandoned his sideline position to follow the hot dog vendor in Section 1A. Manning, who has made a name for himself in TV land with his MasterCard commercials where he idolizes common workers, had apparently taken the skits to heart, and was seen cheering the hot dog vendor as he climbed the aisle, going so far as to asking him to autograph a hot dog with mustard. Colts' kicker Mike Vanderjagt voiced his displeasure with Manning after the game at the stadium bar, The Colts Coral. “As I said before, Peyton doesn’t care about winning. I might have blown that kick, but hey, at least I care. There’s no way I would have followed the hot dog guy at a moment like that. Maybe the beer guy, but never the hot dog guy.”
















Stay in School Atlanta, GA – Atlanta Falcons' Quarterback Michael Vick ruffled some feathers earlier this week when he offered the University of Texas Longhorns’ Quarterback Vince Young some unsolicited advice: “Stay in School”. “Vince should stay in school. There ain’t any room for him and me in the NFL. The Commissioner and I agree that there’s no reason to have two black scramble-first-highly-overrated quarterbacks in the NFL. It’s my thing, stop copying me. If he starts taking some of my undeserved endorsements or undeserved Pro Bowl selections, there will be hell to pay.” Vick went on to express that he and the NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue are not the only ones against Young’s decision. “If he follows through with this then Ron Mexico is going to have to pay him a visit.” Young is expected to be one of the top three selections in the 2006 NFL Draft.
















A Rose By Any Other Name… Pasadena, CA – Following Texas’ shocking 41 – 38 victory over USC in the National Championship Game, a series of bizarre events unfolded that could leave two men in trouble with the law. The crimes, which are not related, are both believed to have stemmed from Texas’ upset of the previously undefeated USC Trojans. One thing is for certain, these crimes have left authorities in two different time zones scratching their heads. The confusion began on the field when Texas Longhorns QB Vince Young was presented with the MVP award. He refused to respond to reporters questions and instead had this to say. “Yo man, we brought it tonight, and you have to bring it every night. That’s why if you got a long horn, and baby, you know I do, then it is going to take a lot more than a Trojan to wrap me up. That’s why I use Life Style Condoms.” Young then proceeded to take a strip of condoms out of his pants, presumed to be Life Style, and began throwing them to an elated crowd who had neither heard, nor paid attention, to what he had said. Young’s endorsement of Life Style Condoms on national television was in strict violation of the FCC’s decency laws. Following the presentation Young was escorted from the stadium by police officers and spent the night in jail awaiting arraignment. Simultaneously, all the way on the other side of the country, an equally disturbing event was taking place. A cattle farmer in Central Florida informed authorities that five of his prized long horn steers had been brutally stabbed to death. The cattle each of which was stabbed numerous times with what was believed to be knife are thought to have been murdered shortly at the conclusion of the National Championship Game. USC Alumnus OJ Simpson, who recently moved next door to the farm was pegged as a possible suspect after reportedly being seen fleeing from the scene by numerous eye witnesses. At this hour, police are still searching for Simpson.


















Mora Jr.'s Cell Phone Call Was To His Father Tampa, FL - Atlanta Falcons' head coach Jim Mora, Jr. is being investigated by league officials this week for a cell phone conversation he engaged in during overtime of the Falcons-Buccaneers game last Saturday. Several television cameras covering the game caught the Falcons' coach on the sideline making the call. It was announced publicly on Thursday that the controversial discussion was between Mora, Jr. and his father, Jim Mora, Sr. who coached several seasons for both the Saints and Colts. The conversation concerned how a tie would affect the Falcons playoff chances. Fourballs.com was able to obtain a complete transcript of the phone call: Mora, Jr.: Hey Dad, not looking good here. Not sure if a tie gets us in to the playoffs, what should I do? Mora, Sr.: Playoffs? Did you just say playoffs? Playoffs? Mora, Jr.: Yeah, if we tie here can we still make it? Mora, Sr.: Playoffs? Mora, Jr.: Yeah that's what I'm talking about dad, the playoffs. Mora, Sr: Playoffs? Mora, Jr.: Yes! The freakin' playoffs! Oh wait, we might win here, hang on, our kicker's got an easy one...um...nevermind, so does a tie get us in? Mora, Sr.: Playoffs? Mora, Jr.: Forget it, see ya tomorrow dad, Merry freakin' Christmas.
















Career Exchange Minneapolis, MN –Minnesota Vikings’ Owner Zygi Wilf announced on Tuesday that Head Coach Mike Tice would not be back with the team for the 2006 season. Tice, who has been rumored to be on the chopping block all season, did not take long to announce his future plans. “Coaching just hasn’t worked for me. We’re back and forth all the time. We’re terrible, we’re good, we get blown out. Obviously I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. So, with that said, I’m stepping away from coaching. I’m going to put it all behind me and do something that I love. My family and I have discussed it and I’ve decided to assume the position of Executive Director of Ticket Sales and Event Coordination for StubHub.” StubHub is an online ticket exchange where fans buy or sell sports, concert, theater, and exclusive event tickets. Tice, who made headlines in early 2005 for scalping his teams Super Bowl Ticket’s sited his experience “hosing the common sports fan” and “love of the fast buck” as two of his reasons for making the switch. StubHub Executive Robert Ferguson was equally excited to welcome Tice to the team, but for different reasons. “I can’t wait till he plans our first company outing. I’ve heard stories about the boat cruise the Viking players went on last summer. They party harder than Michael Irvin and Bobby Brown combined. I guarantee you this, the Christmas party next year will blow the doors off whatever crap those idiots over at Ace Ticket plan."



















Lions To Give Harrington Another Chance; Convinced This Time It Will Be Different Detroit, MI - The coaching staff of the Detroit Lions announced Wednesday that Joey Harrington would start at quarterback in this Saturday's game against the New Orleans Saints. Fed up with the recent play of Jeff Garcia, Lions' management felt confident that going with the younger Harrington was the right decision for this weekend. "Joey was very immature when he started for us way back in November," said head coach Dick Jauron. "That's why we replaced him with Jeff. But the improvements we've seen from Joe while's he sat the bench for these last few weeks has really convinced us he's changed and is ready to lead this team to victory. Things will definitely be different this time around." Despite six losses earlier this season, Harrington did lead the team to wins over the Packers, Ravens, and Cardinals which Jauron believes "accurately showed what Harrington's potential as a quarterback in the National Football League could be." The Lions, despite having a better record than the Saints at 4-10, are a 3-point underdog in Saturday's game.




















NFL Defenses Were Unaware Wayne Chrebet Was Still in the League East Rutherford, NJ - Jets' wide receiver Wayne Chrebet announced on Thursday that he's throwing in the towel on his thirteen-year NFL career. The diminutive receiver spent his entire career with the New York Jets, but the last few seasons have been lean for Chrebet as he's had to battle through numerous injuries. "To tell you the truth I thought that dude retired like 4 years ago," said Bills' safety Lawyer Milloy when he learned of Thursday's announcement. "He used to be a pretty good little player, in like 1996." "But now that you mention it, we did think it was kind of weird the Jets kept lining up with only 10 guys in our last game with them. Maybe he was there after all."



















Killer Super Bowl Party Detroit, MI – Has Baltimore Ravens' linebacker Ray Lewis turned to Party Planning? Not quite, but he does have plans for a Super Bowl Bash that he claims will “kill all other Super Bowl Parties”. The event, scheduled for Saturday, February 4th, in Detroit, Michigan has been six years in the making. “I love the Super Bowl, man. I had the greatest time of my life in Atlanta (site of the Super Bowl in 2000), and I wasn’t even playing. Then the next year, I get to go to one and win, forget about it man, it was the best. I have nothing but good memories of Super Bowl Weekend.” Ray Lewis, who had season-ending surgery on his torn right hamstring a few weeks ago, has spent the last three weeks in Detroit planning his gala. He’s thankful that his injury has given him the time needed to pull this endeavor off. “Every year we’re in the playoffs or competing for a playoff spot, and I ain’t got no time. But this year, I have the time and I’m going to do it right. This party is going to be killer. It’s going to kill all other Super Bowl Parties. People will be killing each other to get into it man.” Former Carolina Panther’s Wide Receiver Rae Carruth and Hall of Fame Buffalo Bills’ Running Back O.J. Simpson are just some of the notable celebrities who are on the guest list.

















Texans Name Reggie Bush As Team Captain Houston, TX - In an effort to improve morale and chemistry, the struggling Houston Texans announced Wednesday that they have named running back Reggie Bush as their team captain. Though Bush still plays for the USC Trojans and is in no way associated with the Houston organization, Texans' management stood by their decision. "We feel Reggie was the right fit to be the leader of our franchise. He's already the best player on this team which in itself earns the respect of the other players." "Is this a risky move? We don't think so. We're confident we won't win another game this season and be able to draft him with the number one pick. Since number one picks always sign with the team that drafted them, and star running backs never get hurt in National Championship games, we should be all set for next year." The 1-12 Texans have already began drawing up plays for Bush and are refering to current RB Dom Davis as their backup.

















John Lynch Records First Clean Hit of His Career Denver, CO - It took 12 seasons, but for fans of Broncos' safety John Lynch, it was worth the wait. Notorious for his vicious, illegal tackles, Lynch finally landed his first-ever clean hit in the second half of Sunday's loss to the Kansas City Chiefs. Throughout his 12 years in the NFL, spent mainly in the secondary of Tampa Bay, the veteran has earned himself nine fines and/or suspensions from the league. His largest single penalty, for $82,500, was assesed Lynch last season. The history-making tackle came at the 3:03 mark of the third quarter in Kansas City last weekend. Replays show Lynch was actually aiming for Larry Johnson's head, but the RB jumped at the last second, resulting in Lynch hitting him in the chest area and slowly bringing him to the ground. "It was sort of an accident, but I'll take it," said Lynch after the game. "My wife is happy because I wont get fined this week. Looks like we'll be able to afford Christmas presents for the kids this year after all."

















Vince Young Casts His Heisman Vote Austin, TX – University of Texas Quarterback Vince Young, a finalist for the 2005 Heisman Trophy, had some bizarre comments during a press conference last week that has left this Heisman voter scratching his head. Following Texas’ 70 to 3 romp over Colorado in the Big 12 Conference Title Game, Young was asked by AP Writer Sal Gillespie about his feelings on the upcoming vote: Gillespie: “How would it feel to be the first African American quarterback since Charlie Ward in 1993 to win the Heisman?” Young: “Wait (pause) what? You mean no brother who played QB has won one since Charlie?” Gillespie: “Correct, that’s what I asked…” Young: “No Donovan, no Vick? Gillespie: “Correct…” Young: “Yo man, if what you’re saying is true, then I want to encourage everyone to vote for Reggie Bush. Hell, vote for Matt Leinart, anyone, just don’t vote for me. That dude Charlie Ward was a terrible quarterback, and an even worse point guard. Not to mention, did you ever see how he dressed? What, was he blind? Well with the way he played quarterback, I wouldn’t be surprised. I don’t want nothing to do with him.” The 2005 Heisman Trophy Award Ceremony is scheduled for Saturday, December 10th from The Nokia Theatre in Times Square at 8:00 p.m.

















New York Fans Hoping Another Giants' Owner Dies This Week East Rutherford, NJ - The Meadowlands is gearing up to play host to a big NFC East showdown this Sunday when the Dallas Cowboys come to town. Both the Giants and Cowboys hold 7-4 records entering the game and are tied for first place in the division. Giants fans throughout the Tri-State area are desparately hoping their team will once again get a psychological boost from the passing of another team owner this week. On October 30th the Giants trounced the Washington Redskins 36-0, just five days after their long-time owner Wellington Mara passed away. Three weeks later, part-owner Robert Tisch also passed, leading to a 27-17 victory over the Philadelphia Eagles. "It helped us so much in our other divisional games, maybe if another one of them rich dudes goes we'll get a big win this week too," said long time Giants' fan Alton Benes.

















Michael Irvin to Throw His Helmet Into the Ring Washington, DC – Former Dallas Cowboys' Wide Receiver, and Hall of Fame Candidate, Michael Irvin held an exclusive press-conference on Monday to announce his candidacy for Mayor of Washington DC in the upcoming 2006 election. “I did the football thing and conquered the world of sports commentary. I want to take that experience I have gained and give back to the people. It’s what God wants me to do.” When questioned about his checkered past, the three-time Super Bowl Champion had this to say, “The fine people of DC are God fearing and forgiving. They will look beyond my past indiscretions and see the man behind these allegations. After all, they elected that crack head Marion Barry not once but twice, and hey, they only caught me with some weed.” Irvin, who has been arrested three times on drug charges, most recently on the Sunday following Thanksgiving, will appear in court later this month.

















Terrell Owens Given Time to Pursue Dancing Career Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia Eagles announced Monday that they have released wide receiver Terrell Owens so that he may "pursue other interests." The Eagles' star has not officially declared what his outside endeavors are, but many team executives, as well as sources close to Owens, believe that the receiver's true calling is not football. "You could just see it in the way he's played over the past few years," said one member of Eagles' management. "No matter how much football we'd force him to play, we could tell all Terrell wanted to do was dance." "He'd spend hours in front of the mirror choreographing his own end zone dances," admitted Owens' friend Jake Jarmel. "It was his passion. Running routes and catching footballs were more of just hobbies to him. Not every player in the NFL was born to play football. Just look at Ricky Williams." Many speculate Owens' will publicly announce his intentions some time later this week. Meanwhile, rumors also swirled around another NFL star quitting the game when it was reported that Owens and Ravens' linebacker Ray Lewis were seen comparing moves in a Baltimore-area dance studio.

















Running Back's Team Dubs Him “Pinto” Baltimore, MD – Continuing the trend of nicknaming your star running back, Baltimore Ravens PR Director Joe Willington announced on Tuesday that Jamal Lewis will now be known as “Pinto” Lewis. Willington said that he got the idea of nicknaming Lewis a few weeks ago as he watched the Tampa Buccaneers dismantle their in-state rival the Miami Dolphins, 27-13. “It worked for 'Cadillac' Williams, it’ll work for Jamal, I mean 'Pinto' Lewis.” When asked why he chose the Pinto over all other cars, Willington sited the obvious reason. “Pinto’s blow up if you hit it too hard. So does Jamal. Although I don’t think a Pinto has ever had to go to jail for drug trafficking.” Lewis has 130 carries for 387 yards this year, for a 3.0 yards per carry average, well off his career average.

















QB Calls The Plays New York, NY – Larry Feinstein, a producer for ABC’s hit reality show Wife Swap, confirmed on Wednesday that former Super Bowl MVP Kurt Warner has applied to be a contestant on the program. “Arizona Cardinal Quarterback Kurt Warner did in fact submit an application to ABC for the upcoming season of Wife Swap," informed Feinstein. "In addition to the application, Mr. Warner submitted the required five-minute video explaining why he would be an ideal candidate.” But not so fast Warner fans, you have a better chance seeing him start another game this year than on the ABC reality hit. According to Feinstein, Warner and the producers at ABC mutually agreed to reject the quarterback’s tape and move in a different direction. “We were all for moving ahead, however Mr. Warner had reservations when he found out that he would in fact only be swapping his wife for a few days, and that at the conclusion of the filming, he would have to go back to her.” Wife Swap can be seen every Monday night at 8:00, 7:00 Central, only on ABC.


















Bruschi Slips Deep into Coma, Still Plans to Comeback Next Year Boston, MA – The New England Patriots got an unexpected boost the week with the announcement that Tedy Bruschi plans to rejoin the team next season. Many expected the veteran linebacker to sit out both the 2005 and 2006 seasons when the news broke that he had slipped into a deep coma at his home early Monday morning. Bruschi was immediately rushed to the hospital where he received care from top doctors and nurses. Dr. Julius Hibbard was one of the first staff members from Boston Medical to tend to Bruschi upon his arrival. “Mr. Bruschi was laying motionless in the bed when I got down to the O.R.,” said Hibbard. “I grabbed his hand and the first thing I asked him was if he could hear me. Then he squeezed my hand. I’m a big Boston sports’ fan, so obviously my next question to him was ‘Are you gonna play next year or what?’ Then he squeezed my hand again.” When word of Bruschi’s announcement reached the Patriots’ practice field in Foxboro, Coach Bill Belichick simply replied, “He’s tough, he’ll shake it off. Unfortunately if he’s not as effective next year we will have to cut his salary in half.”



















No Fight Left in the Irish South Bend, IN- In a move to comply with recent NCAA sanctions, officials from the University of Notre Dame have announced the school will be changing their team name in time for the upcoming football season. The new moniker will be the Tranquil Little People with Orange Facial Hair. The name-change comes as dozens of colleges across the nation shed their old, highly offensive names that depict Native Americans as strong, courageous, and honorable people. "We just thought it was time we retire the myth that all people of Irish decent enjoy getting drunk, fighting, gambling, and breeding," said Notre Dame Athletic Director Kevin O'Hara. In a related story, to avoid sounding like a bunch of pansies, the Harvard Crimson will now be known as the Blood-Red Brass Knuckles.

















Terrell Owens Can’t Understand Cold Reception Upon His Return Bethlehem, PA – Terrell Owens returned to Eagles’ training camp yesterday after sitting out the week-long suspension imposed on him by team management. During the past month and several times during the suspension, Owens publicly ripped the Eagles’ organization, coach Andy Reid, and several of his teammates, including Philadelphia QB Donovan McNabb. When Owens took the field for his first practice back with the team, he found many of his teammates refusing to even talk to him. “I couldn’t believe these guys. I asked one DB why he was even bothering to defend me when we both knew I would school him, and he got all mad,” complained Owens after practice. “But the worst part was that piece of shit we have at quarterback. I don’t know what his problem is with me. He never even threw me a pass.” When told of Owens’ comments, Donovan McNabb replied, “We were doing drills for the running backs, last time I checked you don’t throw to wide receivers on running plays, but I’ll go check the playbook, I could be wrong.”


















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