Miscellaneous Sports Articles
Divorce Rates Expected to Fall In the Month of February Washington, DC - The union of marriage received a much needed boost this week when the US Census Bureau announced that they expect the divorce rate in the United States to greatly decrease in the month of February. The report is expected to show only 5,000 divorces in the month of February, significantly down from the usual 45,000 divorces in a normal month.   The reason for the divorce rate decrease is not because of a renewed commitment to one's partner, but instead the lack of sports on television. Divorce Lawyer Anna Gemelli reported on the Census Bureau's findings.   "Guys don't have anything to do in the month of February. Football's over, baseball hasn't begun, hockey is irrelevant and basketball is boring. Finally, men across the country are starting to pay attention to their wives and do all those things on their "Honey Do" lists."   Fear not divorce lawyers, the rate is expected to drastically increase in the month of March as Fantasy Baseball Leagues begin to hold their annual drafts.
Rap Icon 50 Cent Apologizes For Steroid Use Queens, NY - On the heels of the Mitchell Report which implicated dozens of Major League Baseball players for their use of steroids, news surfaced that several superstars in the world of entertainment had also purchased HGH in the past.  Among the celebrities that reportedly 'juiced' was Curtis James Jackson III, the rapper better known as 50 Cent. In a statement released Tuesday, Jackson offered his reasons why he made the decision to use HGH while apologizing to his legions of fans across America. "Yo see it's like this," began Jackson, "I was just using to try to get my career back on track.  My body was feeling pretty sore after being shot nine times." "I ordered some HGH to help myself recover from the injury, that's all. I'm sorry to anyone who feels this may taint the reputation I've built from my music or my line of tight-lookin sneakers and clothes, on sale now at any Footlocker." It remains to be seen whether the annoucement will hurt his album sales or garner the star additional street credits.
What Happens in Vegas... Las Vegas, NV - It appears as though OJ is back at it again. Last week he made headlines again, this time when an audio tape surfaced where the Juice apparrently held a person at gunpoint in order to steal back his collectables. OJ met with reporters and discussed his new case.   "Look, I know what you heard on the tape, but that's only using 20% of your senses. That's leaving four other senses out of the picture."   OJ who was wearing a shirt with the popular slogan, "What Happens In Vegas, Stays in Vegas" did not deny that he was the man on the tape.   "Now that Johnny Cochrane is dead, I had to think of a new way to use the law to my advantage. What better place than the City of Sin.   "I left that back in Vegas, so it stays there and I'm a free man. I'm out on the golf course each day looking for the killer of my wife. I'm willing to try on any gloves they might have found to prove my innocence."   The City of Las Vegas is reportedly in intense contract negotiations to make OJ their exclusive murderer...I mean spokesman.
Rectum?  Damn Near Killed the Man, Wife and Son Atlanta, GA - The sports entertainment world lost one of its brightest stars last month when WWE wrestler Chris Benoit was found dead in his home, the victim of an apparent suicide.  Although local police claim the investigation in the events surrounding his death are ongoing, Fourballs staff writer Leo Unkel was able to get an exclusive interview with a doctor that aided in the wrestlers autopsy.  "Although we did not find steroids present in the deceased's body, we did find several 'smoking guns' that would be consistent with a steroid abuser."  When asked to elaborate, the doctor explained that the coroner's office had had a difficult time locating Benoit's Balls.  Also his head was 9% larger than the cranium of an average man, and dozens of small holes were found in and around his posterior. The doctor went on to say, "When Barry Bonds is in here sometime next year we expect similiar findings."
Fourballs in the Future: Reporting from 2029 The Future – They had it all, celebrity parents, millions of dollars, and the world at their fingertips. However, famous children dominated the headlines this week as former sports superstars kids were arrested on multiple charges.  Here is the rundown: Sam Alexis Woods – Tiger Woods’ first daughter was arrested last Friday night for domestic assault. Sam allegedly punched her mother Elin, who is still a size 2, for “borrowing her clothes without asking”. Sam attacked Elin slightly after 11:00 PM with her father’s 4 iron in the families 15 acre home in Sarasota, Florida. Woods’ who recently won his 7th Seniors title could not be reached for comment. Ella Sofia Gordon – Ella was arrested on Saturday night for wreckless driving and driving to endanger. The event in question took place on highway 101 when she repeatedly crashed her 2029 Mercedes Benz into Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.’s Honda Hybrid SUV. Ella plead innocent on all charges claiming it was her father who told her to put an Earnhardt into the wall every time they see one.  Lionel Ritchie Jr. – The son of Nicole Ritchie and possibly former no-hit-wonder Joel Madden (paternity test still pending) was arrested on Tuesday night for possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia. Lionel Jr. who claimed the drugs were not his and were in fact his mother’s is being held in Los Angeles County Jail without bail, while he awaits going to court.
NASCAR Renames Nextel Cup, Sprint Cup Honky Tonk, MS – NASCAR announced this week that they were changing the name of their championship series from the Nextel Cup to the Sprint Cup at the conclusion of the 2007 season. The name change has left racing fans scratching their heads. NASCAR Super-fan Ron Phetteplace is one such fan confused by the change. “I don’t know why they would change that name. Come to think of it, I don’t know why they ever changed the name from Winston. Hell, I knew what Winston cigarettes were, but I ain't never smoked no Nextel in my life. And now if these guys sprint before races, I reckon they’ll be too tired to drive them there cars.” When informed that Nextel and Sprint were phone service providers, Ron scratched his ass, then his head, and stated that he didn’t think either company made the rotary phone he has in his double wide.
Scott and Rob Win The Cup, Still Embarrassed By Their Brother Anaheim, CA – It should have been the happiest moment of their lives. Brothers Scott and Rob Niedermayer won the Stanley Cup together as members of the Anaheim Ducks on Wednesday night. However their moment of elation quickly faded when they saw teammates celebrating with their families, knowing this would never be a joy they would experience themselves. What few people know is that the Niedermayer’s have a third brother, Douglas C. Neidermeyer.  Scott and Rob’s embarrassment over their brother’s actions towards the Delta House led them to change the spelling of their name in the mid ‘80s, in hopes that they could somehow escape the cold shadow that the Niedermeyer name casts. “I hate how my brother treated Flounder. He was a total ass to him,” Scott told reporters shortly after hoisting the cup. “I never understood how he could hate those fun loving Delta’s. He was instrumental in getting them put on double secret probation.” Younger brother Rob was equally as disgusted with his brother’s actions. “I don’t blame his men for killing him in Vietnam. Growing up I always wished that Otter or Bluto was our other brother. If any of the Delta’s see this, I just want to apologize from the bottom of my heart, from my families hearts, for any anguish that my brother caused. If you’d have us, I’d like to bring the cup to the Delta House and have a Toga Party with it.” Pinto, Boon and D-Day could not be reached for comment.
Arizona and Tennessee Softball Players Boyfriend’s Happy the WCWS Is Finally Over Oklahoma City, OK – The NCAA Division 1 softball season came to an end last night as the Arizona Wildcats defeated the Tennessee Volunteers 2 games to 1 to win their eighth NCAA softball title. Last night’s game ended 3 weeks of high intensity and closely fought playoff action. Many fans are disappointed that the exciting season has come to an end. However you won’t find any of the player’s boyfriends among their ranks. Josh Phelps, boyfriend of star pitcher Taryne Mowatt is looking forward to things getting back to normal. “I’m glad the stupid season is finally over. I haven’t seen her much the past few weeks and when I do I have to look at that stupid playoff beard that she and her teammates were growing. It makes me feel like I’m looking at one of my dad’s Playboys from the early 80s.” Mowatt however, believes it was the ‘beards’ that put her team over the top. “I got the idea from watching the NHL playoffs and I figured, hey, if it works for them, it’ll work for us. It’s a great way to show team solidarity. But now that the World Series is over, we’re all going back to hardwood floors.”
Mighty Ducks Reaping Benefits of Player Development Anaheim, CA – Back in 1992, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks were the laughing stock of professional sports.  How would a team of peewee hockey players ever compete in the rough and tumble NHL?  But fifteen years later it is the Ducks that are having the last laugh, or quack, as they find themselves in the Stanley Cup Finals. Head Coach Gordon Bombay believes his teams perseverance has led his team to the championship and a sense of immense confidence. “We have a team of 27 year olds in the primes of their careers who more importantly have fifteen years of experience playing together.  These guys know what the others are thinking and where they are going to be on the ice. The Senators have been together for what, two, maybe three years?  How are they going to compete with that type of experience?” The Ducks, who are led by a slimmed down Greg Goldberg in goal and Hart Memorial Trophy Winner Charlie Conway at center, posted the best record in the NHL.  Conway, who’s mother is still dating Coach Bombay gives credit to the team’s owner for sticking with the team for so long. “This is all about our owner Mr. Ducksworth.  He invested the money in our equipment, and gave us a chance. We’re going to win this one for him.” For the finals, the Ducks plan on breaking out their signature move where they all skate back into their end and attack in a Duck-like formation.
Ducks Sign Robert Horrey For Remainer of NHL Playoffs Anaheim, CA - It seems the San Antonio Spurs will be without their veteran forward Robert Horrey for longer than just the two-game suspension he received for hip checking Steve Nash on Monday.  Hockey's Anaheim Ducks were quick to pounce on the available playoff warrior, inking him to a one-month contract, which they hope will help them play for that long and take home Lord Stanley's Cup. On the same night as Horrey's incident, the Anaheim Ducks lost Chris Pronger, a mainstay on their defense, when he too was suspended for elbowing the Red Wings' Tomas Holmstrom. To fill the gap, the Ducks contacted Horrey immediately after watching his hit on Nash on the midnight episode of SportsCenter. "His hip check on Nash was exactly the kid of physical play we need to get past the Wings' and move on to the Cup finals," said Ducks' GM Brian Burke. "He's obviously got it in for Canadians and Robert's proven himself in the clutch several times throughout his career, which is more than I can say for Chris [Pronger]."
WWE Teams With UFC to Give it More Credibility Las Vegas, NV - To help bolster the UFC’s domination of the Mixed Martial Arts world, president Dana White has enlisted the help of Mick Foley and the WWE for a special event. The event will be a combination tag-team octagon match between current superstars from both federations. Foley has already signed on to referee the match alongside Big John McCarthy. As of today, the match is tentatively scheduled to take place at UFC 73. As the fight card stands, Mirko “Cro-Cop” Filipovic will be paired with WWE champ John Cena, with current UFC heavyweight champion Randy Couture as one of their rumored opponents. One name that has floated about as a possible partner for Couture has been none other than WWE legend, The Undertaker. Both White and Foley have already met to discuss possibly enlarging the dimensions of the octagon from its current size to accommodate the number of combatants and referees inside. As more information is released we will have it for you here first at Fourballs.com.
Metamucil Recall Sweeps the Nation Nationwide – A crazy week in sports made a lot more sense on Thursday when Metamucil, the senior citizen’s supplement claiming to prevent osteoporosis, announced a recall of all of their products.  The recall is due to what officials are calling the inclusion of a hallucinogenic drug that causes old people to think they are invincible. Doctors are not sure what cities were effected by this tainted product, however they believe it is nationwide after an outbreak occurred first in Texas, then again later in the week in Pennsylvania. The first known case came Sunday afternoon when NBA veteran official and decade long user of Metamucil Joey Crawford challenged 30 year old Tim Duncan, a man 26 years his junior, to a fight. This preposterous challenge came after Crawford ejected Tim Duncan from Sunday’s game against the Dallas Mavericks, for absolutely no reason. The outbreaks continued on Tuesday when Phillies’ Manager Charlie Manuel, another daily user of Metamucil, challenged a much younger reporter to a fight in his office after his team dropped to an NL worst 3-10. Metamucil president Howie Rollins Sr. discussed the recall. “We realize that we have a dangerous product, and we are pulling it off the shelf.  We can’t have our best customers, namely senior citizens, putting themselves in harms way by challenging young guys to fights. We need these guys to get back to what they do best, namely driving slowly and going to dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon.” The recall is effective immediately.  Anyone who is in possession of any of these products is strongly urged to return them to the store they bought them at as soon as possible.
Florida Defeats Ohio St. to Take Home NCAA Water Polo National Championship Stanford, CA - Florida added yet another trophy to their already-impressive collection of hardware on Wednesday.  The Gators defeated Ohio St. by the score of 18-14 in the Men's National Water Polo championship held on the campus of Stanford University. The victory came just 48 hours after Florida's men's basketball team and 86 days from when the Gators' football team also beat the Buckeyes to become the national champions in their respective sports. "The domination by the state of Florida over Ohio is total," said Gators' superfan Roger Brown. "Not only have we beaten them for the titles in three different sports, but we even screwed up a Presidential election worse than they did. I don't even know why Ohio keeps trying to beat us at anything." Florida looks to keep their streak running at the College Baseball World Series, taking place June 15-24 in Omaha.
Devils Release Brodeur After Allowing Goal to Ottawa East Rutherford, NY - The shake up taking place within the New Jersey Devils organization continued Thursday as management announced they had released goaltender Martin Brodeur.  Brodeur had been with the team since 1991 and was the cornerstone of their three Stanley Cup winning teams during that stretch. But in a critical game on Tuesday night Martin Brodeur gave up a goal to the Ottawa Senators.  The Devils went on to win the game in a shootout, but the damage had already been done. "This franchise demands perfection from the top all the way down," said GM Lou Lamoriello. "We are currently the second best team in the Eastern Conference so clearly there is much room to improve. I just felt that Marty showed he was not ready for the playoffs." The move comes two days after Lamoriello fired coach Claude Julien. The GM has himself replaced Julien behind the bench. No word on whether he will replace Brodeur between the pipes as well.
Masters Manipulator Augusta, GA – As defending champion of the Masters, Phil Mickelson will do just about anything to hold onto his title for another year. And by anything, we mean anything including lying, cheating and stealing from his top competitor, Tiger Woods. For starters, Mickelson tried to lie to Tiger about where the Masters was being held this year. ”Yeah, Phil tried to tell me that they were playing the Masters in Dubai this year. He said something about global warming killing all of the grass. I believed him at first, but then I couldn’t find anything on the internet, so I figured he must be lying. Foiled in his attempt to lie to Tiger, Mickelson moved on to cheating. The cheating began during Wednesday’s practice round when Mickelson took a page out of Judge Smails’ playbook and kicked his ball to better location citing “winter rules”. However, when video of Mickelson kicking the ball was seen by tournament officials, Mickelson was warned that if he tried anything like this in the tournament, he would be immediately disqualified. Finally, Mickelson resorted to stealing. During dinner on Wednesday night Mickelson stole Tiger’s wife Elin’s cell phone. He then proceeded to use the cell phone on Thursday morning to call Tiger and said in his best girly voice, “Tiger, it’s me Elin, forget the Masters, I’m in labor. You have to come to the hospital right now.” Although Mickelson’s impersonation was quite good, Tiger quickly realized that it was not Elin when she didn’t use the code words, ‘Nicklaus Sucks’, at the end of the call.
Bode Miller's Skiing Now Interfering with Drinking Career Aspen, CO - Six months ago, in a turn of events that only our friend Bill W. could ever possibly foresee, Olympic skier Bode Miller decided to cut back on his wildly excessive drinking.  Miller's partying had come under fire in the media when he admitted to being drunk on the slopes during last year's Winter Olympics, where he finished an unacceptable 26th-place in the Super-G Slalom, an event in which he was expected to medal.  Said Miller, "At the start of this winter season my coach got me to start focusing on skiing, he said it was time to grow up and stuff. But the next thing I know, I'm losing to high school kids in games of flip cup and I'm playing quarters about as well as a nun with arthritis." It remains to be seen if Miller's changed drinking habits will help his skiing performance in the long run, but it did enable him to tie for 25th place in this year's Super-G event.
Slow and Steady Wins the Race? Daytona, FL – NASCAR kicks off it’s season this weekend with their Super Bowl, the Daytona 500. Amid all of the controversy over crew chiefs being fired and drivers losing points is driver Steve Mulvehill. Mulvehill, who is a rookie making his debut on the big circuit this weekend is making headlines not for what he has added to his engine, but what he has taken away, gasoline. Mulvehill, who is racing for the EPA Green Team barely qualified in the 35th position for this weeks race with his Toyota Prius Hybrid. Environmentalists across the nation are pulling for Mulvehill to have a good showing. It won’t be easy as Mulvehill’s Prius doesn’t go over 65mph, far less than the speeds expected this weekend. However, Mullvehill isn’t worried. “I’ve had the car plugged into the outlet all week, so it should be good and charged up. I’m confidant that I should have enough juice to make it through the race.” What the Prius lacks in speed it expects to make up in endurance. “My advantage is going to be that I won’t have to make any pit stops. The guys in my crew have this thing really humming right now. We’re getting about 62 miles per gallon. The way we figure it, we can run the whole race on one tank of gas.” NASCAR officials have prepared for Mulvehill’s slow going by adding an extra lane on the far right hand side of the track so that his Prius doesn’t get in the way of those gas guzzling speedsters. Mulvehill is unsure if he’ll keep the right blinker on the whole time.
A Bad Time for Fans to Warm-Up to College Hockey Movie fans across the world are anticipating the upcoming director's cut edition of Al Gore's documentary "An Inconvenient Truth." The documentary eloquently weaves the science of global warming with Mr. Gore's personal history and lifelong commitment to reversing the effects of global climate change. The directors cut offers additional scenes that didn't make it into the original film. One scene in particular address global warming and impending doom not only to hockey as we know it, but to one of hockey's most cherished traditions, the Bean Pot. In the scene Gore discusses the ever rising global temperature and how in a mere 200 years it would make the formation of ice impossible. Officials for the Bean Pot were interviewed and gave their thoughts on how they would restructure the tournament. One possibility would be to turn the Bean Pot into a street hockey game.  Most hockey purists would shudder at the thought. However not all people are worried that impending global warming will ruin the Bean Pot.  Officials at Harvard believe that a new format would give them a better chance to compete. Another possibility would be to change the venue where the event is held and not tell the other three teams.