Miscellaneous Sports Articles
The Vatican Calls on Tiger and Big Ben For Help Dealing With Sex Scandal Vatican City- The highest officials of the Roman Catholic Church convened at the Holy See on Tuesday to meet with two of the biggest stars of the American sports world. The Vatican brought in golfer Tiger Woods and Steelers' quarterback Ben Roethlisberger as consultants to help them through the high-profile clergy sex abuse scandal which currently plagues the church. "These men have helped us draw up what we think is an excellent blueprint to avoid both legal action and any damage to our brand," said RCC spokesman Matthew DeMarco. "In accordance with the advice from Mr. Roethlisberger, we plan to intensify the media attention on our accusers in the hope that the children will drop the charges against us, simply to get out of the spotlight." "And just today His Holiness, under the watch of Mr. Woods, shot a black and white commercial, looking sad while the voice of Jesus asked him what he'd learned." No word yet on whether such measures will sway opinions of the church. Recently, several older religions, such as Hinduism and Judaism, have publicly blasted Catholicism, saying it needs to grow up and not put itself in such dangerous situations.
Dunkin’ Donuts Wants a Piece of the Pie Braintree, MA – For tabloid journalists looking for the next Tiger Woods mistress to emerge from the shadows, they need to look no further than their local Dunkin’ Donuts. “We saw the publicity that Perkin’s waitress Mindy Lawton generated for their company, and we want in,” Dunkin’ Publicity Coordinator Peter Ramsayer said. “Our coffee and baked goods are just as good, and we think our girls are even better-looking.” The Massachusetts-based donut king announced earlier this week that they are sending pictures of five of their hottest baristas to the world’s number 1 player in hopes of percolating some interest. “We think we have what it takes. Best of all, our girls keep their mouths shut.” Tiger could not be reached for comment but did send a text back message back that read, “Have you ever had a golden shower done to you? ... just morbid curiosity.”
Divorce Rates Expected to Fall In the Month of February Washington, DC - The union of marriage received a much needed boost this week when the US Census Bureau announced that they expect the divorce rate in the United States to greatly decrease in the month of February. The report is expected to show only 5,000 divorces in the month of February, significantly down from the usual 45,000 divorces in a normal month.   The reason for the divorce rate decrease is not because of a renewed commitment to one's partner, but instead the lack of sports on television. Divorce Lawyer Anna Gemelli reported on the Census Bureau's findings.   "Guys don't have anything to do in the month of February. Football's over, baseball hasn't begun, hockey is irrelevant and basketball is boring. Finally, men across the country are starting to pay attention to their wives and do all those things on their "Honey Do" lists."   Fear not divorce lawyers, the rate is expected to drastically increase in the month of March as Fantasy Baseball Leagues begin to hold their annual drafts.
Rap Icon 50 Cent Apologizes For Steroid Use Queens, NY - On the heels of the Mitchell Report which implicated dozens of Major League Baseball players for their use of steroids, news surfaced that several superstars in the world of entertainment had also purchased HGH in the past.  Among the celebrities that reportedly 'juiced' was Curtis James Jackson III, the rapper better known as 50 Cent. In a statement released Tuesday, Jackson offered his reasons why he made the decision to use HGH while apologizing to his legions of fans across America. "Yo see it's like this," began Jackson, "I was just using to try to get my career back on track.  My body was feeling pretty sore after being shot nine times." "I ordered some HGH to help myself recover from the injury, that's all. I'm sorry to anyone who feels this may taint the reputation I've built from my music or my line of tight-lookin sneakers and clothes, on sale now at any Footlocker." It remains to be seen whether the annoucement will hurt his album sales or garner the star additional street credits.
What Happens in Vegas... Las Vegas, NV - It appears as though OJ is back at it again. Last week he made headlines again, this time when an audio tape surfaced where the Juice apparrently held a person at gunpoint in order to steal back his collectables. OJ met with reporters and discussed his new case.   "Look, I know what you heard on the tape, but that's only using 20% of your senses. That's leaving four other senses out of the picture."   OJ who was wearing a shirt with the popular slogan, "What Happens In Vegas, Stays in Vegas" did not deny that he was the man on the tape.   "Now that Johnny Cochrane is dead, I had to think of a new way to use the law to my advantage. What better place than the City of Sin.   "I left that back in Vegas, so it stays there and I'm a free man. I'm out on the golf course each day looking for the killer of my wife. I'm willing to try on any gloves they might have found to prove my innocence."   The City of Las Vegas is reportedly in intense contract negotiations to make OJ their exclusive murderer...I mean spokesman.
Rectum?  Damn Near Killed the Man, Wife and Son Atlanta, GA - The sports entertainment world lost one of its brightest stars last month when WWE wrestler Chris Benoit was found dead in his home, the victim of an apparent suicide.  Although local police claim the investigation in the events surrounding his death are ongoing, Fourballs staff writer Leo Unkel was able to get an exclusive interview with a doctor that aided in the wrestlers autopsy.  "Although we did not find steroids present in the deceased's body, we did find several 'smoking guns' that would be consistent with a steroid abuser."  When asked to elaborate, the doctor explained that the coroner's office had had a difficult time locating Benoit's Balls.  Also his head was 9% larger than the cranium of an average man, and dozens of small holes were found in and around his posterior. The doctor went on to say, "When Barry Bonds is in here sometime next year we expect similiar findings."
Fourballs in the Future: Reporting from 2029 The Future – They had it all, celebrity parents, millions of dollars, and the world at their fingertips. However, famous children dominated the headlines this week as former sports superstars kids were arrested on multiple charges.  Here is the rundown: Sam Alexis Woods – Tiger Woods’ first daughter was arrested last Friday night for domestic assault. Sam allegedly punched her mother Elin, who is still a size 2, for “borrowing her clothes without asking”. Sam attacked Elin slightly after 11:00 PM with her father’s 4 iron in the families 15 acre home in Sarasota, Florida. Woods’ who recently won his 7th Seniors title could not be reached for comment. Ella Sofia Gordon – Ella was arrested on Saturday night for wreckless driving and driving to endanger. The event in question took place on highway 101 when she repeatedly crashed her 2029 Mercedes Benz into Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.’s Honda Hybrid SUV. Ella plead innocent on all charges claiming it was her father who told her to put an Earnhardt into the wall every time they see one.  Lionel Ritchie Jr. – The son of Nicole Ritchie and possibly former no-hit-wonder Joel Madden (paternity test still pending) was arrested on Tuesday night for possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia. Lionel Jr. who claimed the drugs were not his and were in fact his mother’s is being held in Los Angeles County Jail without bail, while he awaits going to court.
NASCAR Renames Nextel Cup, Sprint Cup Honky Tonk, MS – NASCAR announced this week that they were changing the name of their championship series from the Nextel Cup to the Sprint Cup at the conclusion of the 2007 season. The name change has left racing fans scratching their heads. NASCAR Super-fan Ron Phetteplace is one such fan confused by the change. “I don’t know why they would change that name. Come to think of it, I don’t know why they ever changed the name from Winston. Hell, I knew what Winston cigarettes were, but I ain't never smoked no Nextel in my life. And now if these guys sprint before races, I reckon they’ll be too tired to drive them there cars.” When informed that Nextel and Sprint were phone service providers, Ron scratched his ass, then his head, and stated that he didn’t think either company made the rotary phone he has in his double wide.
Scott and Rob Win The Cup, Still Embarrassed By Their Brother Anaheim, CA – It should have been the happiest moment of their lives. Brothers Scott and Rob Niedermayer won the Stanley Cup together as members of the Anaheim Ducks on Wednesday night. However their moment of elation quickly faded when they saw teammates celebrating with their families, knowing this would never be a joy they would experience themselves. What few people know is that the Niedermayer’s have a third brother, Douglas C. Neidermeyer.  Scott and Rob’s embarrassment over their brother’s actions towards the Delta House led them to change the spelling of their name in the mid ‘80s, in hopes that they could somehow escape the cold shadow that the Niedermeyer name casts. “I hate how my brother treated Flounder. He was a total ass to him,” Scott told reporters shortly after hoisting the cup. “I never understood how he could hate those fun loving Delta’s. He was instrumental in getting them put on double secret probation.” Younger brother Rob was equally as disgusted with his brother’s actions. “I don’t blame his men for killing him in Vietnam. Growing up I always wished that Otter or Bluto was our other brother. If any of the Delta’s see this, I just want to apologize from the bottom of my heart, from my families hearts, for any anguish that my brother caused. If you’d have us, I’d like to bring the cup to the Delta House and have a Toga Party with it.” Pinto, Boon and D-Day could not be reached for comment.
Arizona and Tennessee Softball Players Boyfriend’s Happy the WCWS Is Finally Over Oklahoma City, OK – The NCAA Division 1 softball season came to an end last night as the Arizona Wildcats defeated the Tennessee Volunteers 2 games to 1 to win their eighth NCAA softball title. Last night’s game ended 3 weeks of high intensity and closely fought playoff action. Many fans are disappointed that the exciting season has come to an end. However you won’t find any of the player’s boyfriends among their ranks. Josh Phelps, boyfriend of star pitcher Taryne Mowatt is looking forward to things getting back to normal. “I’m glad the stupid season is finally over. I haven’t seen her much the past few weeks and when I do I have to look at that stupid playoff beard that she and her teammates were growing. It makes me feel like I’m looking at one of my dad’s Playboys from the early 80s.” Mowatt however, believes it was the ‘beards’ that put her team over the top. “I got the idea from watching the NHL playoffs and I figured, hey, if it works for them, it’ll work for us. It’s a great way to show team solidarity. But now that the World Series is over, we’re all going back to hardwood floors.”
Mighty Ducks Reaping Benefits of Player Development Anaheim, CA – Back in 1992, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks were the laughing stock of professional sports.  How would a team of peewee hockey players ever compete in the rough and tumble NHL?  But fifteen years later it is the Ducks that are having the last laugh, or quack, as they find themselves in the Stanley Cup Finals. Head Coach Gordon Bombay believes his teams perseverance has led his team to the championship and a sense of immense confidence. “We have a team of 27 year olds in the primes of their careers who more importantly have fifteen years of experience playing together.  These guys know what the others are thinking and where they are going to be on the ice. The Senators have been together for what, two, maybe three years?  How are they going to compete with that type of experience?” The Ducks, who are led by a slimmed down Greg Goldberg in goal and Hart Memorial Trophy Winner Charlie Conway at center, posted the best record in the NHL.  Conway, who’s mother is still dating Coach Bombay gives credit to the team’s owner for sticking with the team for so long. “This is all about our owner Mr. Ducksworth.  He invested the money in our equipment, and gave us a chance. We’re going to win this one for him.” For the finals, the Ducks plan on breaking out their signature move where they all skate back into their end and attack in a Duck-like formation.
Ducks Sign Robert Horrey For Remainer of NHL Playoffs Anaheim, CA - It seems the San Antonio Spurs will be without their veteran forward Robert Horrey for longer than just the two-game suspension he received for hip checking Steve Nash on Monday.  Hockey's Anaheim Ducks were quick to pounce on the available playoff warrior, inking him to a one-month contract, which they hope will help them play for that long and take home Lord Stanley's Cup. On the same night as Horrey's incident, the Anaheim Ducks lost Chris Pronger, a mainstay on their defense, when he too was suspended for elbowing the Red Wings' Tomas Holmstrom. To fill the gap, the Ducks contacted Horrey immediately after watching his hit on Nash on the midnight episode of SportsCenter. "His hip check on Nash was exactly the kid of physical play we need to get past the Wings' and move on to the Cup finals," said Ducks' GM Brian Burke. "He's obviously got it in for Canadians and Robert's proven himself in the clutch several times throughout his career, which is more than I can say for Chris [Pronger]."
WWE Teams With UFC to Give it More Credibility Las Vegas, NV - To help bolster the UFC’s domination of the Mixed Martial Arts world, president Dana White has enlisted the help of Mick Foley and the WWE for a special event. The event will be a combination tag-team octagon match between current superstars from both federations. Foley has already signed on to referee the match alongside Big John McCarthy. As of today, the match is tentatively scheduled to take place at UFC 73. As the fight card stands, Mirko “Cro-Cop” Filipovic will be paired with WWE champ John Cena, with current UFC heavyweight champion Randy Couture as one of their rumored opponents. One name that has floated about as a possible partner for Couture has been none other than WWE legend, The Undertaker. Both White and Foley have already met to discuss possibly enlarging the dimensions of the octagon from its current size to accommodate the number of combatants and referees inside. As more information is released we will have it for you here first at Fourballs.com.
Metamucil Recall Sweeps the Nation Nationwide – A crazy week in sports made a lot more sense on Thursday when Metamucil, the senior citizen’s supplement claiming to prevent osteoporosis, announced a recall of all of their products.  The recall is due to what officials are calling the inclusion of a hallucinogenic drug that causes old people to think they are invincible. Doctors are not sure what cities were effected by this tainted product, however they believe it is nationwide after an outbreak occurred first in Texas, then again later in the week in Pennsylvania. The first known case came Sunday afternoon when NBA veteran official and decade long user of Metamucil Joey Crawford challenged 30 year old Tim Duncan, a man 26 years his junior, to a fight. This preposterous challenge came after Crawford ejected Tim Duncan from Sunday’s game against the Dallas Mavericks, for absolutely no reason. The outbreaks continued on Tuesday when Phillies’ Manager Charlie Manuel, another daily user of Metamucil, challenged a much younger reporter to a fight in his office after his team dropped to an NL worst 3-10. Metamucil president Howie Rollins Sr. discussed the recall. “We realize that we have a dangerous product, and we are pulling it off the shelf.  We can’t have our best customers, namely senior citizens, putting themselves in harms way by challenging young guys to fights. We need these guys to get back to what they do best, namely driving slowly and going to dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon.” The recall is effective immediately.  Anyone who is in possession of any of these products is strongly urged to return them to the store they bought them at as soon as possible.
Florida Defeats Ohio St. to Take Home NCAA Water Polo National Championship Stanford, CA - Florida added yet another trophy to their already-impressive collection of hardware on Wednesday.  The Gators defeated Ohio St. by the score of 18-14 in the Men's National Water Polo championship held on the campus of Stanford University. The victory came just 48 hours after Florida's men's basketball team and 86 days from when the Gators' football team also beat the Buckeyes to become the national champions in their respective sports. "The domination by the state of Florida over Ohio is total," said Gators' superfan Roger Brown. "Not only have we beaten them for the titles in three different sports, but we even screwed up a Presidential election worse than they did. I don't even know why Ohio keeps trying to beat us at anything." Florida looks to keep their streak running at the College Baseball World Series, taking place June 15-24 in Omaha.
Devils Release Brodeur After Allowing Goal to Ottawa East Rutherford, NY - The shake up taking place within the New Jersey Devils organization continued Thursday as management announced they had released goaltender Martin Brodeur.  Brodeur had been with the team since 1991 and was the cornerstone of their three Stanley Cup winning teams during that stretch. But in a critical game on Tuesday night Martin Brodeur gave up a goal to the Ottawa Senators.  The Devils went on to win the game in a shootout, but the damage had already been done. "This franchise demands perfection from the top all the way down," said GM Lou Lamoriello. "We are currently the second best team in the Eastern Conference so clearly there is much room to improve. I just felt that Marty showed he was not ready for the playoffs." The move comes two days after Lamoriello fired coach Claude Julien. The GM has himself replaced Julien behind the bench. No word on whether he will replace Brodeur between the pipes as well.
Masters Manipulator Augusta, GA – As defending champion of the Masters, Phil Mickelson will do just about anything to hold onto his title for another year. And by anything, we mean anything including lying, cheating and stealing from his top competitor, Tiger Woods. For starters, Mickelson tried to lie to Tiger about where the Masters was being held this year. ”Yeah, Phil tried to tell me that they were playing the Masters in Dubai this year. He said something about global warming killing all of the grass. I believed him at first, but then I couldn’t find anything on the internet, so I figured he must be lying. Foiled in his attempt to lie to Tiger, Mickelson moved on to cheating. The cheating began during Wednesday’s practice round when Mickelson took a page out of Judge Smails’ playbook and kicked his ball to better location citing “winter rules”. However, when video of Mickelson kicking the ball was seen by tournament officials, Mickelson was warned that if he tried anything like this in the tournament, he would be immediately disqualified. Finally, Mickelson resorted to stealing. During dinner on Wednesday night Mickelson stole Tiger’s wife Elin’s cell phone. He then proceeded to use the cell phone on Thursday morning to call Tiger and said in his best girly voice, “Tiger, it’s me Elin, forget the Masters, I’m in labor. You have to come to the hospital right now.” Although Mickelson’s impersonation was quite good, Tiger quickly realized that it was not Elin when she didn’t use the code words, ‘Nicklaus Sucks’, at the end of the call.
Bode Miller's Skiing Now Interfering with Drinking Career Aspen, CO - Six months ago, in a turn of events that only our friend Bill W. could ever possibly foresee, Olympic skier Bode Miller decided to cut back on his wildly excessive drinking.  Miller's partying had come under fire in the media when he admitted to being drunk on the slopes during last year's Winter Olympics, where he finished an unacceptable 26th-place in the Super-G Slalom, an event in which he was expected to medal.  Said Miller, "At the start of this winter season my coach got me to start focusing on skiing, he said it was time to grow up and stuff. But the next thing I know, I'm losing to high school kids in games of flip cup and I'm playing quarters about as well as a nun with arthritis." It remains to be seen if Miller's changed drinking habits will help his skiing performance in the long run, but it did enable him to tie for 25th place in this year's Super-G event.
Slow and Steady Wins the Race? Daytona, FL – NASCAR kicks off it’s season this weekend with their Super Bowl, the Daytona 500. Amid all of the controversy over crew chiefs being fired and drivers losing points is driver Steve Mulvehill. Mulvehill, who is a rookie making his debut on the big circuit this weekend is making headlines not for what he has added to his engine, but what he has taken away, gasoline. Mulvehill, who is racing for the EPA Green Team barely qualified in the 35th position for this weeks race with his Toyota Prius Hybrid. Environmentalists across the nation are pulling for Mulvehill to have a good showing. It won’t be easy as Mulvehill’s Prius doesn’t go over 65mph, far less than the speeds expected this weekend. However, Mullvehill isn’t worried. “I’ve had the car plugged into the outlet all week, so it should be good and charged up. I’m confidant that I should have enough juice to make it through the race.” What the Prius lacks in speed it expects to make up in endurance. “My advantage is going to be that I won’t have to make any pit stops. The guys in my crew have this thing really humming right now. We’re getting about 62 miles per gallon. The way we figure it, we can run the whole race on one tank of gas.” NASCAR officials have prepared for Mulvehill’s slow going by adding an extra lane on the far right hand side of the track so that his Prius doesn’t get in the way of those gas guzzling speedsters. Mulvehill is unsure if he’ll keep the right blinker on the whole time.
A Bad Time for Fans to Warm-Up to College Hockey Movie fans across the world are anticipating the upcoming director's cut edition of Al Gore's documentary "An Inconvenient Truth." The documentary eloquently weaves the science of global warming with Mr. Gore's personal history and lifelong commitment to reversing the effects of global climate change. The directors cut offers additional scenes that didn't make it into the original film. One scene in particular address global warming and impending doom not only to hockey as we know it, but to one of hockey's most cherished traditions, the Bean Pot. In the scene Gore discusses the ever rising global temperature and how in a mere 200 years it would make the formation of ice impossible. Officials for the Bean Pot were interviewed and gave their thoughts on how they would restructure the tournament. One possibility would be to turn the Bean Pot into a street hockey game.  Most hockey purists would shudder at the thought. However not all people are worried that impending global warming will ruin the Bean Pot.  Officials at Harvard believe that a new format would give them a better chance to compete. Another possibility would be to change the venue where the event is held and not tell the other three teams.
Sports Fans Disappointed to Learn Jumbo-Tron Won’t Make Them Famous Everywhere, USA – Everyone loves the Jumbo-Tron.  Nothing gets fans at sporting events across America more excited then when cameramen scan the crowd during a timeout looking for the most enthusiastic fan. However, the love affair with the Jumbo-Tron might be coming to an end. A report published this week shows that no sports fans in the history of time, has ever become famous because they were on the Jumbo-Tron. The news of this finding comes as a shock to supersportsfan David Jewett. “It was the most critical part of the game and there I was for everyone to see. Everyone was going nuts when they saw me. I can’t believe there wasn’t a big time Hollywood agent in the parking lot next to my car ready to sign me.” Jewett thinks he has found the reason as to why he wasn’t discovered and vows to try again. “The more I think about it, the more I realized I blew it. I let at least three seconds pass before I realized I was the one they were showing. Next time I’m going to be even more enthusiastic, and hopefully a little less drunk so I can pay better attention.”
Fox Replaces OJ Simpson Interview With Michael Richards' Def Comedy Jam Special Los Angeles, CA - Backlash from the American public prompted News Corp, parent company of the Fox Network, to announce Monday that they were cancelling their scheduled broadcast of an interview of OJ Simpson. On Wednesday, the network proudly reported they had found a replacement show for the interview's upcoming time slot. Instead, "Michael Richards' Def Comedy Jam Special 1" will be aired next week in what Fox expects to be the ratings bonanza they need during November sweeps. "Despite the problems with the OJ project, we feel we still have our fingers firmly on the pulse of the American television viewer," said Fox spokesman Patrick Gavin. "Richards' edgy material that examines racial issues in America today is just what the public wants right now. The show will be bigger than 'Herman's Head', we're sure of it." Many industry watchdogs feel the risk could pay huge dividends for Fox which desperately needs help after many of their new Fall shows failed. "Richards' standup routine from this past weekend is the most-watched clip on YouTube.com right now," reported TV critic James Wenn. "Kudos to Fox for striking while the iron is hot."
A.C. Slater Dumped by Jessie After Losing 'Dancing With the Stars' Finale Bayside, CA - High school all-American wrestler A.C. Slater was devastated to learn late Wednesday night that his girlfriend of the past two years, Jessica Spano, has decided to break up with him.  Spano, 18, made the decision after watching her now ex-boyfriend lose in the finals of 'Dancing With The Stars' in front of a worldwide television audience. I just can't be seen around school dating a loser, said Spano when reached for comment. "There's never any time for that! He would only bring me down and I'm busy trying to get into Stanford. I'm so exciiiited...." Slater was defeated in the dance show finals by fellow-athlete, former Dallas Cowboys' running back Emmitt Smith.  According to Slater, he received a text message from his then-girlfriend within minutes after the show aired. I heard my cell ringing and looked down to see I had a new text message from Momma, said Slater during an interview at the 'Maxx'. "I figured she'd be tryin to cheer me up, tell me that Preppy got expelled or something good like that. Couldn't believe she dumped me instead." Slater hopes to take solace in the pep rally Bayside High principal Richard Belding has planned for 7th period in the gymnasium on Friday.
Sports Illustrated Featured on SI's Cover, Jinxes Self New York, NY - The over three million  subscribers to the magazine Sports Illustrated received quite the surprise in their mailboxes this week.  But the shock this time was not over some scantily clad bikini model from the publication's famous swimsuit issue. The cover of this week's Sports Illustrated featured the magazine itself on it as part of a special commemorative issue.  Long time readers were stunned that the magazine would risk facing what many refer to as the 'SI Cover Jinx' which seems to plague athletes shown on the front of the publication. Representatives from Sports Illustrated were not available for comment with regard to this week's cover, the jinx, or the peculiar rash of bad luck that has plagued several executives, writers, and various staff at the magazine over the past few days. News services began reporting early yesterday on a plethora of wrist and hand injuries to SI's top writers. The list of hurt penmen include Rick Reilly (sore thumb), Tom Verducci (wrist tendonitis), and Peter King (kidney stone). No word on whether writing-related injuries will appear on next week's cover.
Navratilova Forced To Surrender US Open Title New York, NY – Martina Navratilova thought she had added a record 59th Grand Slam Title to her resume, this time in mixed doubles, when she and her teammate Bob Bryan rolled in a straight-set victory on Saturday.  But in fact there was nothing straight about this win. Navratilova’s celebration was short-lived when she was informed by US Open tennis official John Alcorn, that she would have to forfeit her most recent title. “We have certain rules and regulations that we must follow,” Alcorn said.  “One of those rules is that in mixed doubles one player must be a male, and one player must be a female.  We were not aware that Bob Bryan was a guy.  When we found out he was, we had no choice but to eliminate their team.” The 49-year-old Navratilova, who has won 18 Grand Slam singles titles during her illustrious career, was originally thought to have been the female member of the team.  But recent DNA testing as well as observation by any person with two good eyes found that this was not the case. “We held out suspending them until we could confirm whether or not this Bryant character was a guy or a girl.  If Navratilova wants to play next year, she’s going to have to be like all the other guys, and enter into the men’s draw.”
USTA Honors Billie Jean King New York, NY – The U.S. Tennis Association announced earlier this week that they will rename the USTA National Tennis Center the USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center during an opening-night ceremony in Flushing Meadows.  In addition to this announcement, the USTA said that this Friday will be Billie Jean Friday, a National Day of honor for one of the womens' games' all-time greats.  However, the true meaning of Billie Jean Day seems to be missing the mark.  Corporations across the nation were surprised on Friday morning when all of their employees showed up to work wearing jeans, misinterpreting Billie Jean Friday, as an open invitation to wear jeans to work. Fourballs reporters caught up with one employee, Mike Berry, who misinterpreted the meaning of the day. “I thought it was just another day to wear jeans, you know, another small bone that my worthless company is throwing to me, instead of giving me a raise or an extra week of vacation.” Fourballs informed Berry of the true meaning of the day, and showed him a picture of Billie Jean playing tennis.  However the confusion did not end there. “Wow, he looks like he was pretty good.  But why did he wear a dress?”
Where Are They Now?  Cole Trickle’s Life After Racing Daytona, FL - Former NASCAR driver Cole Trickle wowed fans back in 1990 when the then-rookie came out of seemingly nowhere to win the Daytona 500.  These days, however, Trickle is chasing after a much more important goal, eternal salvation. Shortly after his stunning victory in the Daytona 500, Trickle became a devout follower of Scientology, the religion founded by author L. Ron Hubbard. Trickle left racing in 1993 and to become a fulltime member of the cult. “I no longer had any time for racing.  Those races took 3, maybe 4 hours to complete.  Now I can spend my days thinking about how enlightened I am, how awful it is that people take medication such as anti-depressants, and how hot that chick is from Dawson’s Creek.”
Landis Can’t Take Things Into His Own Hands Chatenay-Malabry, France - In yet another bizarre turn of events in the sport of cycling, this year's Tour de France winner Floyd Landis is now claiming that his Mennonite ideologies were what caused the unusually high testosterone levels found in a recent blood test. “As you may know I am a Mennonite and I’m not a married man. My religion prevents me from spanking the 'one-eyed monster'. The funny part is that we didn’t even have a car when I was growing up, so I had to ride this dumb bike, that’s why I’m so good at it." "So my stupid backwards religion won’t let me bop the baloney but encourages me to ride a bike. Rather ironic, isn’t it? My balls are so blue the sky is jealous. So really it's a miracle that I can ride a bike at all.” Tour de France chairman Mario LePue, determined to put an end to the controversy plaguing this year's event, invited Landis to participate in next year's Tour de France, and granted Landis one night with his own wife, so that the cyclist may ride again without incident.
Tour de France Apparently Being Held Anyway Even Without Lance Armstrong Pla de Beret, France - Unbeknownst to many, the Tour de France is still being held this year, despite the absence of American cycling great Lance Armstrong. Apparently the eleventh-stage of the competition was completed on Thursday, with an American cyclist who isn't Lance Armstrong taking the coveted yellow shirt as the race's overall leader. Armstrong of course retired from professional cycling last year following his seventh-straight Tour de France victory. Further research conducted by Fourballs.com staffers led to the startling discovery that the Tour de France was actually held prior to Lance Armstrong's first win back in 1999 as well. According to various sources, the three-week-long cycling race has been held since 1903, breaking only twice due to World Wars. It remains unclear how long the Tour de France plans to continue beyond this year without American cycling great Lance Armstrong among its participants.
Patrick Puts On Her Racing Face Nashville, TN – IRL driver Danica Patrick made headlines earlier this week when it was revealed that she might be interested in joining the sports preeminent organization, NASCAR, next year.  While many have debated what type of success Patrick would have, league officials are convinced that Patrick has what it takes. NASCAR official Andy Reimer told The Associated Press about a “secret” tryout they had given Patrick earlier in the week and how she had passed with flying colors. "We put her out there on the track and let her go.  She was able to do everything that the male drivers could do, and more.  We were a little concerned that she’d drive like an old Asian woman out there, but that wasn’t the case.   She didn’t even have any trouble putting on her makeup in the rearview mirror.  Sure, she had her left blinker on for three laps before she realized what she was doing, but hell, she drives pretty good for a chick.” However all was not perfect for Patrick.  She was advised by Reimer that if she wants to compete with the big boys she’ll have to learn to stop pulling over to ask for directions and make sure she stops trying to talk on her cell phone during the race.
Sharapova Seeks Revenge London, England - Fans expected Maria Sharapova to spend Wednesday night celebrating her victory over fellow countrywoman Elena Dementieva in the quarterfinals of the 2006 Wimbledon Championship.  However, celebrating was the farthest thing from Sharapova’s mind, instead she was focused on getting revenge. The revenge that the 4th ranked Sharapova has in mind isn’t against any of her upcoming opponents, but instead against the gentleman who decided to streak during her Tuesday-afternoon match. Although at the time she seemed unfazed by the man’s antics, Sharapova met with reporters on Wednesday evening and discussed the bizarre event. “I’m going to get him back.  I won’t forget this any time soon.  I hear he’s a big poker player, so the next time he sits down with a group of his friends to play Texas Hold ‘Em, I’m going to get him back.” When questioned on how she would get revenge, Sharapova had this to say, “I’m going to wait until he has a really good hand and then I’m going to burst out of his closet and streak him and his friends.  Lets see how he likes it when his concentration is shattered.” Following Sharapova’s comments, Wimbledon Officials announced that they would double the on-court security for Sharapova’s upcoming semifinal match, as they now expect every male, age 13 to 65 to attempt to streak Sharapova’s match in hopes that Sharapova will exact revenge on them as well.
Quarterback Unimpressed With Record Coney Island, NY - Takeru Kobayashi won his sixth-consecutive title in the annual Independence Day Nathan’s Hotdog Eating Contest on Tuesday by devouring a record 53¾ frankfurters in 12 minutes.  The record set by the now immortal 27-year-old Kobayashi, is thought by many to be one that may never be broken, unless Kobayashi himself can best the mark. However, post contest, not everyone was singing Kobayashi’s praises.  Quarterback Jeff Garcia who had a front row seat for Kobayashi’s record setting performance believes that his record will not stand and that he is going to be the man to break it. “I don’t think what he’s done is so great.  I’ve had way more than 53 wieners in my mouth in 12 minutes” When reminded that Kobayashi also ate the buns along with the hotdogs, Garcia became confused with what “buns” had to do with eating wieners and quickly ended the interview. Garcia will get his chance to break Kobayashi’s record on Labor Day when he competes in the first annual Celebrity Hot Dog Eating Contest.  Contestants include Mike Piazza, Brady Anderson, Olympian Greg Louganis and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy funnyman Carson Kressley.
Life Long Dream Set To Come True Dallas, TX – Former Heavyweight-Champion Evander Holyfield stunned boxing fans on Wednesday when he announced that he would return to the boxing ring later this summer.  Holyfield, who has a career record of 38-8-2, 25 KOs, but only 2-5-1 in his last eight fights, inked an agreement to fight journeyman Jeremy Bates (21-11-1, 18 KOs) on August 19th at the American Airlines Center in Dallas. Holyfield was visibly excited on Wednesday when he met with reporters to discuss his upcoming bout.  The reason for his cheery nature was what Holyfield called “a realization of a lifelong dream.”  “I’ve always dreamed of dying in the ring and I think it’s finally going to come true.  Tyson threatened to eat my children and stomp on my testicals, but he only bit my ear.  He didn’t finish the job.  But this time I’m confident that it will finally all come to an end, just like I always dreamed it would.” In a separate announcement, Holyfield announced that he would like to change his nickname from the “Real Deal” to “Real Dumb”.
Double Whammy For the US Hamburg, Germany – It’s been a bad week to be a fan of the United States.  On Monday, the US Men’s Soccer Team was destroyed 3-0 by a far superior Czech Republic team.  The loss is not only a blow to the validity of the floundering MLS League, but leaves the American’s in danger of not advancing to the second round of the 2006 World Cup.  The United States meets the heavily favored Italian team this weekend, in is what now, a must win situation. However, insult was added to injury on Wednesday when United States officials confirmed that the head coach of the Mexican National Soccer Team was not Ricardo Antonio Lavolpe, but actually a man they thought they had arrested and convicted, wanted terrorist Saddam Hussein.  The drubbing and the realization that their country recently convicted a Saddam look-a-like, has left the United States reeling.  US Soccer Captain Landon Donovan met with reporters early Thursday morning and had this to say, “We look like a bunch of buffoons.  It seems like we can’t do anything right.  I’m starting to wonder what’s been a bigger waste of time, the war in Iraq or the MLS season.  Right now it’s a tie.  A 0-0 tie.  So once again, we’re being shut out.  Both of these losses have made the last four years look like a complete waste of time.”
Report: World Hates U.S. For Calling It 'Soccer'    Hamburg, Germany - As the world prepares for the 2006 FIFA World Cup, set to begin this week in stadiums throughout Germany, a new report has surfaced that attempts to shed light on why there is such a deep hatred around the globe for the United States.    For years now, U.S. soccer players have had to endure unruly fans throwing objects such as metal screws, bags of urine, and even acid at them during matches held on foreign soil.  The common belief has been that the anti-American sentiment has been the result of the U.S.'s role as overbearing world policeman over the last half century.    But the findings of a new study conducted by the Modern Institute for Learning and Football (MILF) were released this week.  Flying in the face of popular belief,  international fans despise Americans, not for their government's foreign policy, but mostly for calling the sport 'Soccer' rather than 'Football'.    "We know you've got your own kind of 'football' over there, but why do you always have to be different?" asked English football hooligan Fletcher Allister Garmund.  "The reason we don't like the Yanks is they insist on calling it 'soccer'. It makes the sport sound gay."    The U.S. team begins the Soccer tournament with a Soccer game against the Czech Republic's Soccer team on Monday, June 12th.
And I Like My Homosexuals Flaming Paris, France – Tennis Superstar Rafael Nadal celebrated Wednesday night after he brought his record streak to 58 straight matches.  But “straight” might not be the proper word to use.  Nadal took time out from his gay-la and spoke with reporters.  “Do you know how hard it’s been to do this 58 times?  Every now and then, someone shows up to a match looking a bit more feminine than I do.  But then, I break out my high water pants, my signature white pair, and I keep my streak going.”  Although Nadal recently won his 4th straight “Gayest Man Alive” contest, he swears that he is as straight as an arrow without a tip.  “Gay?  You think I’m gay?  Look, before I became a great tennis star, I was engaged to Star Jones…how could I possibly be straight…I mean gay.” Statisticians have all ready begun to refer to Nadal’s streak as 58 “consecutive” victories.
Earnhardting a Fine The Deep Deep South – It’s become a normal practice for NASCAR to fine drivers when they are out of line, but many think this week officials went over the line when fan favorite Dale Earnhardt Jr. received an unexpected $5,000 fine.  Junior was informed on Monday that he would be fined for his antics during a post-race press conference with a national television audience when he used a four letter word.  NASCAR President I. M. Whitetrash had this to say: "Jr. was just outta line.  Throwin’ dem four-letter words all over the place.  I’ve told the boys, keep it simple.  Ya see, we don't wanna have our drivers use any word bigger than three letters, it confuses our TV audience and puts dem ratings down the shitter, technically speakin of course.  Sure, what he said, it ain't dirty, but how the hell is a NASCAR fan supposed to understand when they go stringing four letters in a row?” Whitetrash agreed that the fine seemed a bit excessive, but that it was necessary to show his attentiveness to the NASCAR fan base and their needs. “This is one of the last wholesome sporting events that white families can watch together.  Daddy’s don’t want to have to spend their Saturday afternoons ‘splainen to a kid what the winner said.  It ain’t a spellin’ bee.  It’s a beer drinkin’ day.”
Name Change Raleigh, N.C. – With a three games to none lead on the New Jersey Devils in the Eastern Conference Semifinals, you would expect the Carolina Hurricanes to be on top of not only the hockey world, but the world itself.  Instead they find themselves embroiled in an unexpected controversy that has team officials working overtime in an attempt to make things right.  The controversy began late last week, hours before dropping the puck for Game 1 at the RBC Center, when a throng of protesters showed up to picket the pre-game festivities.  Protestors, claiming to be refugees from Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Wilma and the ACLU, showed up in force, arguing that the name “Hurricane” is offensive. New Orleans' resident Talayla Washington, rode the bus for 11 hours to join in the protest. “I ain’t never watched hockey.  I ain’t never even seen ice.  But these guys running around with the name Hurricane and carrying on about how they’re dominating everyone, just isn’t right.  What the hell are all those white people doing in there?  Do they get to live in this arena too?” Team President Jim Rutherford said the team is sensitive to the protestors demands and is currently in discussions with the league to change their name to the Carolina Thunderstorms or the Carolina Tropical Depressions.
Kentucky Derby      Louisville, KY - The field has been set for the 132nd Kentucky Derby this Saturday at Churchill Downs.  However race officials aren’t celebrating with the throngs of fans over what has been called a wide open field in decades.  Instead they are on spin control trying to put out the fire of a what many are calling a “public relations nightmare”.      The problems began on Tuesday during the drawing for the post positions when race officials mistakenly inserted tennis star Serena Williams in the 3rd post position.  Jeremy Clemons, senior director of marketing for Churchill Downs Incorporated had this to say,     “It was an honest mix-up on our part.  First off, she looks like a horse.  That’s undeniable.  Second, when we heard she wasn’t going to play tennis until later this summer we got a little mixed up.  We had asked her to run in the race a few years back and she told us that tennis was taking up all of her time.  We thought she was pulling out of matches in anticipation of running in our race.”     Janet Gretzky has made Williams the early 2:1 favorite.
Stretching for the World Cup     Munich, Germany – Move your yoga matt over Madonna, you’ll soon have company.  Yoga classes throughout Germany have seen a drastic increase in enrollment over the last month, so much so that instructors across the nation have doubled the number of classes they offer.      The rise in popularity of yoga, is not due to a sudden attentiveness towards fitness or a way to work off indiscretions from the pass Oktoberfest, but instead in anticipation of this summer’s upcoming World Cup Soccer Tournament.    The new classes called Yoga Hooligana, detail an eightfold path toward soccer hooligan enlightenment.  The eight steps basically act as guidelines on how to punch, kick and grab groins while serving as a prescription for immoral and unethical conduct.  Instead of encouraging good health, it is meant to direct attention toward harming someone else’s health.    These new-age yoga classes aren’t only for the neo-hooligans.  Their popularity extends all the way down to people like twenty-year hooligan veteran Franz Buckstrom.    “This will be my fifth World Cup, and I don’t want it to end like my fourth one did, in traction.  I picked one guy up to throw him through a bar window, and pop, I felt something in my back go out.  I knew I’d have to dedicate myself to a rigorous offseason program, if I was ever going to return to the way I was in 2000.”    Buckstom believes that the yoga classes in Germany aren’t a passing fad, but, instead, a sign of the times.    “You try kicking the ass of all of those ugly little French toads for two weeks without being in shape.  I know those French guys have been getting in shape with all of those riots they’ve been having over there.  We had to do something to keep up.”
Gordon Asks To Go Dutch        Charlotte, NC – NASCAR Superstar Jeff Gordon, who was fined $10,000 on Tuesday for shoving fellow driver Matt Kenseth after a race at Bristol Motorspeedway, has informed NASCAR officials that they can expect his check later this week, but it won’t be for the full amount.      Instead, Gordon will only pay half and has told NASCAR officials to look to his ex wife, Brooke Gordon, to pay the other half.      Brooke Gordon, who filed for divorce in 2002 and received half of Gordon’s estimated $45 million career earnings, could not be reached for comment.       Gordon, who attempted to counter-sue his wife citing the dangerous nature of his profession, had this to say, “When they finally got me to agree to split everything I had, I meant it.  If I gave her half of my earnings, then she should have to pay half of my fines.  It’s a two way street.  She should be thanking the guys around me for pulling me away from that fairy Kenseth.  Five minutes alone with that guy and I would have unleashed some serious Rainbow Power on him, and believe me, she’d be getting a bill for a lot more than five grand.”       The fine is the first in the Rainbow Warrior’s 14 year career.
Ancient Greek Tradition Carries On       Garden City, NY - An epic battle that would have made Homer proud took place at one of New York's finest institutions this past weekend.  The men of Delta Iota Kappa squared off against the ladies of Alpha Suma Suma in this year's "Fraternity Olympics," held at Nassau Community College.       Most students participate in the games since the school allows the Olympics to be used in lieu of a senior thesis.  The Deltas pulled off a major upset in the pie-eating contest over the sisters of ASS, launching team Captain Bob Sacameno to his sixth-consecutive championship in this annual event.    Said the team captain, "I couldnt let this team down, that's why I stuck around for a sixth year at DIK.  You could say I love DIK, I'm all about it".     Sacameno's agents/parents could not be reached for comment to see if they had paid for a seventh year at the local junior college.
U.S. Men's Hockey Saves Face By Obliterating Squad of Non-NHLers in Olympics' Losers Bracket      Torino, Italy - One day after being eliminated from medal contention at the hands of Finland, the U.S. men's Olympic hockey team bounced back with a satisfying 15-0 drubbing of the team from host Italy.      The big win earned the U.S. eleventh place in the 12-team international tournament.  Italy, who finished last, was the only team in the competition not to feature at least one player with NHL experience. Many had less than six months experience on skates.      "It's always nice to finish off with a win," said Team USA captain Chris Chelios. "We knew that all we were playing for today was pride.  With a 15-goal victory we proved Americans have got lots of pride."
Increase the Size of Your Wang, Without Drugs!      Springfield, IL –Male swimmers will no longer feel inadequate when wearing tight swimsuits after Speedo’s announcement on Monday that they will be introducing a new man-kini.  Dubbed “Wonderoos”, the new male bikini bottom will have a prosthetic enhancement similar to the Wonder Bra.  Wonderoos can be filled with air like the infamous Reebok Pump Sneaker and will account for each swimmers need, no matter how large or small.      United States Olympic Swim Team Director Michael Featherstone believes that this breakthrough will bring unlimited benefits to the sport of competitive swimming.       “Over the past twenty years a lot of our best athletes have gone to other sports because they were too embarrassed to wear that tight suit.  Not to mention, do you know how cold some of those pools are?  They can make the biggest man look like a figure skater.  I’m sure we’ve lost out on at least 10 Gold Medals.  Michael Phelps nearly quit swimming and went to hair dressing school, but fortunately we were able to convince him that there are more important things in life than what he’s packing in his pants.”
Apolo Anton Ohno Supposedly a Really Good Skater     Torino, Italy- The much-hyped speed-skating phenom, Apolo Anton Ohno, is once again garnering much-deserved attention this week as he takes to the ice to earn Olympic gold.       America first fell in love with the tremndously skilled Ohno during his debut at the 2002 Winter Games. But the young skater fell short of expectations, even though he was far superior to all his competitors in Salt Lake City.      The Olympic Games in Torino have also been disappointing for the apprarently-greatest shorttrack skater ever, as Ohno failed to qualify for the finals in his first event.      Ohno's next event comes Saturday when he's expected to win a gold medal easily over skaters from around the world.
BU Fans Take Celibacy Vow in Effort to One-Up BC Fans      Boston, MA - In another chapter of the on-going rivalry between area schools Boston University and Boston College, Terrier fans have resorted to unusual means to get the better of their nemesis.      Hundreds of students from Boston University have taken a monk-like vow of celibacy in an attempt to give their hockey team an advantage in this year's Beanpot Tournament over their Catholic-school counterparts.     "BC sucks, so we wanted to find another way to show them how much better we are. BC sucks," said BU junior Kenny Bania. "They think they're so Catholic, BC sucks. Well us Terriers can out-Catholic them because BC sucks."     When asked for comment, BC students had only two questions they wanted BU students to answer: "How did BU's football team do this year?" and "Where exactly is BU's campus?"
Olympic Skier Signs Lucrative Endorsement Deal with Miller Brewing     Milwaukee, WI - US Olympic skier Bode Miller's admission last week that he enjoys competing while completely shitfaced at first appeared to be a public relations nightmare.    But the 28-year-old skiing phenom turned those words into green on Wednesday by signing a 3-million dollar endorsement deal with the Miller Brewing Company.    "Our name is Miller and we really like beer," said company spokesman Jake Jarmell. "We have so much in common with him, we couldn't think of a better fit."    Viewers can expect to see the 2-time silver medalist in spots for Miller Lite during the Turino Games next month, arguing in the courtroom that Miller Lite tastes better than Bud Light.
Report: Americans Will Again Get a Kick Out of Curling      Colorado Springs, CO - An alarming study conducted by US Olympic officials has revealed that the American public will again be shocked by the existence of the sport of Curling when it is shown during this year's Winter Games.       "Curling has been around for close to 500 years, and has been an event in the last four Winter Games," whined Olympic historian Alec Berg. "But for some reason people forget that they've seen it before and get some big kick out of it every freakin time."       The sport of curling originated in Scotland in the 1500's, and today is popular in Canada and parts of the Midwestern United States. The US Women's Curling team brought home silver medals in the 2002 Salt Lake City games.     "We're even good enough to medal in this sport, you'd think Americans would wake up and start realizing this is the sport of their future," continued Berg before we stopped listening to him.
NHL Lockout Now in 500th Day       Anaheim, CA - As the NHL lockout reached the 500-day mark, there is still no word from the players' union nor from NHL top officials.  Most sports enthusiasts don’t think the sport will ever make a comeback.       “It's suspicious, vicious and frivolous….I don’t like this lockout one bit,” said long time fan Jackie Chiles.       Update: Apparently the strike ended months ago, fortunately there is Disney's deck-hockey on ice.  In a plan to take advantage of attendance problems in the NHL, Disney (NASDAQ: DIZNEE) has created a new deck-hockey league.  Ultimately the goal is to gain nation-wide popularity by stamping the Disney logo on subpar entertainment (deck-hockey).      As with most Disney projects, once they have milked the metaphoric teet dry they will adapt the tour-de-flop into a Disney on-ice production, thus coercing the American public into enjoying a sport that only a "hoser" could enjoy.
New Years Party with the Stars!      New York NY – The buzz around Manhattan today is not about the over two million  people expected to descend on Times Square this Saturday night, or the Regis Philbin vs. Dick Clark network war, but instead it is about the New Years Party hosted by former New York Mets star Mike Piazza.        The “I Love to Watch Balls…..Drop” party will be all-male, and boast such famous celebs as figure skater Brian Boitano, former Orioles' Outfielder Brady Anderson, former NHL star Adam Oates, and former Dodgers' Outfielder Billy Bean.  Lions quarterback Jeff Garcia was seen out on the streets early Tuesday morning trying to swing a last-minute invitation.        Martina Navratilova, Sheryl Swoopes, and a couple of Carolina Panthers' cheerleaders are planning a protest outside the event.
Bruins' Fans Have Thanksgiving Wish For Commissioner Bettman            Boston, MA – Kevin Sullivan, a lifelong Boston Bruins' fan, had an unusual wish this Thanksgiving season.  A Bruins' season ticket holder for the last 22 years, Sullivan seems to have finally reached his wits' end.            “I ended my Thanksgiving blessing with a plea to Gary Bettman, ‘Go back on strike, please, for the love of god, go back on strike.’”           Other fans have expressed a similar sentiment.  Father Sean Murphy of Dorchester, MA held a special mass praying for Bettman to see the light and mercifully end the 2005-06 hockey season.  “Over 200 people showed up on a Wednesday night.  We haven’t had that many people at a mass in four years.  Commissioner Bettman might not hear my voice and prayers, but it’s impossible to ignore all 200 of us.” The Bruins, who have lost their last six games, their longest losing streak in the last nine years, are currently in last place in the NHL's Northeast Division.
Children's Soccer Match Incites Rioting Throughout France      Toulouse, France - Rowdy mobs of sports fans have once again put a black eye on Europe as football houligans continue to reek havoc throughout France. Hundreds of stores were looted and burning Le Cars lined city streets for the second straight week.      The violence began when a sure-win for the powerhouse squad sponsored by Jacques' Auto Body played to a 0-0 tie against the much weaker team of Pierre's Window and Siding.     "This is one the kids should've had in ze bank," said one parent who actually attended the game that sparked the chaos. "I couldn't have been more ashamed of my Andre and his little teammates. We've come to expect more from that bunch of 10 year olds."      Moments after the final whistle, hundreds of fans, many whom had been drinking since the game began 45 minutes earlier, flooded out of Toulouse bars to display their disappointment in the match's outcome.      Players were frightened as they attempted to leave the park with their families following the game. Inebriated mobs swarmed around their cars and blocked streets, cancelling several post-game trips for ice cream.
OLN’s TV Deal Forces NHL to Play All Games Outside            New York, NY – Back in August the NHL seemed very pleased when it announced its return to television by inking a multi-year broadcast deal with the cable station Outdoor Life Network.  The league, trying to rebound from a year-long lockout that cancelled the 2004-2005 season, was able to get 58 regular season games and the entire playoffs back on the tube with OLN.           Unfortunately for the NHL however, in its haste to get the deal finalized, league officials failed to read all the fine print OLN put into the contract.  One such missed clause apparently contained the stipulation that all games be played outside.           “We are the Outdoor Life Network after all,” said network spokesman Lloyd Braun. “It wouldn’t really fit in with the rest of our programming to show a sporting event that takes place inside.”             “Originally our plan was to request that all NHL teams remove the roofs from their arenas, but logistically speaking, that would not have been good enough for us.  We here at OLN feel that moving the game outside to frozen ponds is more consistent with our network’s focus.”            Representatives from several NHL teams have expressed concerns that they will be unable to meet the conditions of the new deal.           “It gets down to about 60 degrees in the middle of winter in this town,” said Phoenix Coyotes co-owner Jerry Moyes upon hearing the news. “I don’t really know where they expect us to play our home games.”          When asked to respond to the Coyotes’ complaints, Braun merely replied, “Shoulda thought of that before you left Winnipeg.”
NHL Rolls out Second Round of Rule Changes    New York, NY - NHL Headquarters in New York announced a new set of rule changes Thursday that has many players wondering if they should have ever come back from the lockout in the first place.         "The first wave of new rules were just a test to see how the North American hockey market would respond to change," said league commissioner Gary Bettman. "If they went over well we'd keep the changes coming. If not, then we'd still institute the changes anyway since obviously we care very little for their opinions."      The second set of rules as announced by the NHL included: - No 'Frenching-up' your name.  All names will be pronounced as if they were American cowboys / war heroes (We're looking at you 'Roy'). - No matter what you'd care to believe, re-runs of MacGyver and the remake of Dukes of Hazard do not legitimize the Mullet.  Please inform your Supercuts hair technician accordingly. - Being faithful to your wife may be good for your family, but it sure ain't helping you make the cover of tabloids.  Any publicity is good publicity. - Refrain from saying 'eh' after every sentence.  It makes you sound about as smart as a UNLV shooting guard. - Get some ugly ass skates, put some zippers and some nasty looking vinyl logos on 'em.  You'll look dumber than 'Rent on Ice' but kids will start buying them in droves.
George Foreman Caught Cooking on Charcoal Grill      Marshall, TX – Intense shame overtook the small community of Marshall, Texas in the suburbs of Houston on Monday night.  Residents there were shocked when they saw former heavyweight champion George Foreman cooking on a charcoal grill outside his home in plain view.       The 56-year-old has earned more money in his life after boxing as the spokesman for the widely popular indoor “Lean, Mean, Grilling Machine.” Foreman reportedly was using an outdoor grill to cook burgers for him and his wife as well as grilled cheese sandwiches for his children.      “It’s just an embarrassing situation for all of us around here,” said Foreman’s neighbor Jason Hanky. “George has been a figure we’ve all looked up to for a long time.  I haven’t cooked outside since the early 90’s thanks to him. Now I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.”     “He’s a total fraud. We’ve all been had,” said another angry neighbor, Susan Ross. “I saw it firsthand and was completely appalled. There was so much fat left on those hamburgers and you could see it dripping everywhere.  I was so disgusted that I went right home and ripped the Meineke muffler right off my car.”
Jeff Probst to Kill Off a Character in Upcoming Season of 'Survivor' Los Angeles, CA - CBS finally made official the news that has had reality TV-show fans buzzing for weeks. Mark Burnett, executive producer of the hit show 'Survivor', as well as the show's host Jeff Probst, held a press conference in Los Angeles on Tuesday to make the big announcement. It seems the pair has decided to kill off one of the characters in this fall's installment of 'Survivor'. A recent slide in the ratings was given as the reason behind this season's shocking twist. "We knew we needed to spice things up to bring our viewers back," said Probst during Tuesday's press conference. "We looked at what shows in the past have done to increase their ratings and this particular idea really stood out. We hope that killing one of our characters this Fall will create as much excitement as when J.R.was shot on 'Dallas'." When asked if they could offer fans any clues as to who the victim might be, Probst would only say, "It'll be the person that you least expect." The upcoming season of 'Survivor', the show's eleventh, is to take place in the rain forests of Guatemala and premiers September 15th.
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Sports Poll: 9 Out Of 10 Fans Wish Jim Rome Actually Was On Fire			Gray-Haired Hicks Elect Gray-Haired Hicks as Winner of American Idol			French Relive Glory Days of WWII by Giving French Open Tennis Tournament to Germans			Fourballs' Prediction:  Upcoming National Spelling Bee Will Be Won By Future Lifelong Virgin
Edmonton Oilers Drop First Two Games of The Stanley Cup Finals, But Celebrate Ever-Rising Price of Gas			US Soccer Team Questions Coach's Decision to Have ARod Provide Pre-Game Motivational Speech			NBC Picks Up Coveted Mullet Demographic by Broadcasting Stanley Cup Finals			Phil Mickelson Gets Lucrative Kleenex Endorsement Deal After US Open Collapse
Tony Stewart Vows to Drink Whole Milk After His Next Victory Instead of Whole Cream			The Netherlands Disqualified From World Cup For Having Players From Holland On Team			The Netherlands Disqualified From World Cup For Having Dutch Players On Team			Movie Script “Throw Up Like Beckham” Optioned to Universal Studios
Dishwashers Across the US Go Back to Work After Brazil’s Stunning Loss in World Cup Play			French Relieved to Meet Italy in World Cup Final Instead of Having to Surrender to Germany Again			Italian Men Win World Cup in Effort to Impress Their Mothers			France's Zidane Throws Headbutt After Overreacting to a “Bald” Comment
Andre Agassi Having Trouble Regrowing His Signature Mullet for Final US Open Appearance			Program Update: ESPN To Follow World Series of Poker and World Series of Darts With World Series of Beer Pong			Barbaro Watch:  Dog Food Factory and Glue Companies Continue Vigil in Front of Barbaro’s Stall			Phil Mickelson Prepares Apology Speech for Screwing Up in Upcoming British Open
New York Islanders Tap Fourth-Line Winger to be Team's Next CFO			God Pissed At Tiger Woods For Dedicating British Open Victory to Dad and Not Him			Tour de France Officials Find Three Pints of Lance Armstrong's Blood in Floyd Landis' System			Poll: 78% of Americans Have Already Forgot The World Cup Was Held This Year
Report: Justin Gatlin Regrets Drinking Out of Same Cup as Floyd Landis			Elmer's to Make Limited-Edition "Barbaro Glue"			Tiger Woods' Mom Willing To Die If Tiger Ever Goes On Another Losing Streak			CBS Announces Next Season's 'Survivor' Format: Israelis Versus Palestinians
Troubles Continue For Lance Armstrong As Classmates Claim He Cheated On 4th-Grade Math Test			Tiger Woods Proves Reported Pictures of  His Wife Are Fake By Releasing Pictures From His Personal Collection			Eddie Money Arrested for Scalping Two Tickets to Paradise			NHL Lockout Enters Third Year, Fans Wonder if League Will Ever Return
America's Soccer Fan Says He's Excited About Upcoming MLS Finals			Recent Poll Shows Oral Roberts Beat Out Ball State As Favorite University Among Porn Stars			Star of Miller Lite Commercials and Former Cowboys' Coach Wins NASCAR Nextel Cup			Report: Mel Gibson and Michael Richards Agree, They Both Hate Rod Carew
NASCAR Drivers Feel Stupid After Learning They Are Only Driving In a Big Circle During Races			Jim Rome Still Feels Burning Sensation When He Pees			David Lee Roth Decides to Just Go Ahead and Jump Upon Receiving An Invitation to Appear on the Surreal Life			Tiger Woods Heads to Dubai, Bush Asks Him to Look for Osama and Pick-Up Some Oil
Elmers and Alpo Involved in Bitter Bidding War for Barbaro			BU Celebrates Beanpot Victory With Campus Parade…Um, With Their Football Team…Um, Just Celebrates			Boxing Re-Instates Tommy Morrison In Hopes Mike Tyson Will Bite His Ear			5 Years Later, Martha Burk Still Ugly, Still Can’t Golf At Augusta
Kansas City Waiting to See Penguins’ Playoff Run Before Deciding Whether to Allow Team to Move There			Duke Lacrosse Players Exonerated, Free to Rape Again			HBO Promises to Renew the Mayweather / De La Hoya Series Up To the 'Trembling Vegetable' Years			Jordan Unretires From Golf Again to Play Mediocre Round With Tiger Woods
"I" Looks For New Driver as Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Leaves DEI, Takes Name With Him			Glue Companies Excited For Street Sense to Break His Leg in this Week’s Preakness Stakes			AC Milan Fixes Their Way to Champions League Victory			NHL Hopes An Exciting Cup Finals Could Get League Bumped Up to Basic Cable Next Season
Clay Aiken Disappointed Male Tennis Players Not Playing the French Open On Him			Dale Jr. Asks Hendrick Motor Sports to Adopt Him to Escape From Bitchy Mother-In-Law			Sopranos' Video Crew Runs Out of Film During Taping of Series' Finale			Lack of Action in the World of Sports Causes This Base Hit to Suck
Posh Spice Admits Beckham is Usually Bent to the Left			Tony Stewart Fined $50,000 for Not Speaking in a Southern Twang			Bowling Fans Across Nation Mistakenly Renting '300' on DVD			Beckham's Injury Most Disappointing Thing In Most Disappointing League in Most Disappointing Sport
Report: Tennessee Volunteers Actually Playing Against Their Will			He's No Slouch: Ty Webb Wins Unprecedented 15th- Straight Bushwood Open			Eric Lindros Hits Head on Microphone During Retirement Press Conference			Mike Modano Passes Brett Favre On All-Time Holding On Too Long List
Fourballs.com Astounds Readers By Coming Up With Two Hockey Jokes in Same Issue			Hillary Clinton's Tears Over Sir Edmond Hillary's Death Just A Ploy To Get More Votes			"Professors Gone Wild" Video a Top Seller Among Horny College Students			Tiger Woods Has Horrible Lie After Driving Golf Ball Into Tree at Augusta
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Archived Basketball "News"
Rasheed Wallace Guarantees Pistons Will Lose Conference Finals to the Heat   Detroit, MI - Two weeks ago Rasheed Wallace made a prediction that his Pistons would defeat the Cleveland Cavaliers in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals.  That guarantee was proven wrong by Lebron James and the Cavs who won and evened the series 2-2.    The Pistons have since won that series and now have their backs against the wall in the next round, trailing the Miami Heat 3-2.  In an attempt to comeback to win a third straight Conference title, Rasheed Wallace created quite a stir on Thursday when he guaranteed that the Pistons would lose the series with Miami.    "My predictions aren't as good as they used to be, man," said Wallace during an off-day workout. "So it's like this, I figure if I guarantee they'll win, then they'll lose. And if they lose, then that'll mean that we won. And that's what we're trying to do here is win."    Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals is Friday night in Miami.
What Ever Will He Do? Detroit, MI – You would think that with a one game lead and new found home court advantage over the defending Eastern Conference Champion Detroit Pistons that Miami Heat Coach Pat Riley would be on top of the world.  But according to team officials, Riley did not sleep well on Wednesday night.  Riley wasn’t tossing and turning all night over the pros and cons of the zone defense or whether or not his team would once again utilize the “Hack-A-Ben”, but instead on what hairstyle he would sport for Thursday night’s Game 2. That’s right.  Riley, who is known for his slicked back hair, is going to have to find a new hairstyle, and fast.  The reason behind the change is not a long overdue attempt to keep up with fashion trends or because of a lost bet with his team, but instead because of the ever-rising cost of oil. Riley’s hairdresser Gary Limpwrist met with reports on Wednesday morning and had this to say, “With crude oil hitting nearly $70 a barrel, there’s no way we can continue to grease up Pat’s head.  Each day, it would cost a near fortune to make Pat presentable.  We can’t keep taking it in the jaw on this.” As of Thursday morning Riley was entertaining the idea of going with a “faux-hawk” or possibly going with the timeless classic “boy number one”.
Lebron James Taken Out for Ice Cream to Celebrate Game 5 Win   Cleveland, OH - Young basketball star Lebron James enjoyed a perfect finish to a perfect day on Wednesday. His 32-points in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals were enough to lead his Cavaliers to a 3-2 series lead.    But the evening got even better for little Lebron after the game when his proud parents announced they'd be stopping at Dairy Queen on the way home to celebrate the win.    "Our Lebron had such a good game tonight," gushed Mrs. James. "We wanted to celebrate what a great job he did against those boys from Detroit. He even got all his homework done for tomorrow so we couldn't be happier with him."    The Cavs star ordered a Coffee Heath Bar Blizzard and was allowed to get the large size by his mommy.
Plays Well With Others, Make that Play Well With Others     Miami, FL – Miami Heat forward Antoine Walker achieved a career milestone on Tuesday night by racking up his first ever assist.      "Its like this yo, I got me in a Fantasy League, and I needed some assists to pass Chris Dudley and move into the league lead, so I see Shaq under the hoop, and the big man is always calling for the ball."      Walker, who is notorious for shooting whenever he touches the ball, went a record 769 games without an assist.  When asked if fans can expect to see a new and improved Employee #8, Walker had this to say,     "Don't think the 'Toine is changing his game, it killed me to pass that rock off.  So now that I’ve locked up my fantasy league I’ll be back to the chucker you all know and love.  I felt like an ass trying to do the ‘Toine Wiggle after an assist.  It’s so much cooler after I hit an ill-advised three pointer.  So passing isn’t for me."      Unfortunately, Fantasy Leagues don’t track any defensive categories, so it could be another 769 games until he plays a lick of D.
Brown Nosing   New York, NY – New York Knicks’ head coach Larry Brown has had a change of heart. Brown is currently coaching a Knicks squad that gave him an ulcer with the worst record in the NBA.      Coach Brown had a warning to all those coaches out there that don’t like the current situation that their team is in: "You don't know what you got till you lose it."      When asked about his days back in Philadelphia coaching the troubled Allen Iverson, Brown had this to say, "Assault charges, gun possession?  Missing the postseason by one game!  Shit, I'd take a choking from Sprewell to have a team like that back."     "I'd love a return to the glory days.  I’d even go so far as to go to the hospital in order to get away from these guys.  But hey, this is a rebuilding period, it's not like we hired a bunch of ringers for our team.  Its not like we have we have the highest payroll in basketba……umm….er how bout those Yankees."
Unlucky Day for the Fans Boston, MA – Fans of the Boston Celtics will be forced to go through the last five games of the season without their team mascot, Lucky.  According to a report released by the team on Sunday, “Lucky has become disillusioned with the world of mascoting and has left the team in search of a different pot of gold.”     The end of Lucky’s reign began midway through the 4th quarter of the Celtics' loss to the New York Knicks when Lucky was no longer able to “pump up the crowd.”     Season Ticket holder Charlie McDonough had a courtside seat to Lucky’s demise. “Lucky kept waving his hands trying to get the people up and out of their seats but the crowd was unresponsive.  He couldn’t even get them to the “Garden Level” noise level.  He even tried the t-shirt cannon, but it didn’t work.  It was like all the fans finally realized that they could get a similar shirt in the pro shop for $5 and didn’t need to make an ass of themselves trying to get a free one.” Celtics' General Manager Danny Ainge who was disappointed that Lucky had left the team, promised that he was looking to guard Dan Dickau, who is signed through the 2008 Season to take Lucky’s place. “He’s short, he’s white and he’s otherwise useless.  He’s a natural replacement.”
City of New York Honors Isiah Thomas    New York, NY -  The City of New York announced on Wednesday that the management job done by Isiah Thomas has not gone unnoticed.  City officials have agreed to honor the job Thomas has done with the Knicks this season by augmenting one of their most famous landmarks, Lady Liberty.  In addition to the facial reconstruction, the City has agreed to change the wording at Ellis Island to read:      “Give me your tired, your weak of heart, your bloated contracts,       Your huddled masses yearning to breath free of winning.       The wretched teammates from every shore.       Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me.       I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”      Following Wednesday’s 123-98 drubbing on their homecourt by their rival the Boston Celtics, Thomas said, “I’m so very honored by what the city has done for me.  I give them credit for realizing how hard it must have been for me to assemble a team that makes a good coach like Larry Brown look so bad.  But I’m not done.  To any GM out there that regrets giving a maximum deal to a mediocre player: call me.  I bankrupted the CBA, by god, I’ll bankrupt the Knicks."
City of Indianapolis Excited to Finally Host a Champion    Indianapolis, IN - Sports fans across the country are buzzing with the kick off of the annual NCAA men's basketball tournament on Thursday. But no other city can match the excitement found in Indianapolis this week, site of the 2006 Final Four.    Just two weeks away, Indianapolis' RCA Dome eagerly awaits its first-ever opportunity to host a champion. But sixty college basketball games must be played over the next two weekends before the top four teams are extended an invitation to Indy.    "We just can't believe it. I dont think it's really sunk in around here yet," said RCA Dome employee Jack Klumpus. "Not just this building, but this whole city has never played host to a winner. I mean, we have that race track, but a champ in a real sport, that's something special."     The two semifinal games will be played on Saturday, April 1st, with the winners meeting in the final game on Monday, April 3rd.
Need A Job?     Houston, TX – Strip club owners in Houston, Texas are not going to get caught with their pants around their ankles.  Instead they are taking a proactive approach and by calling for all young women looking to enter the adult entertainment industry to come on down to Texas.  The reason?  They are convinced that later this year there is going to be a drastic shortage in dancers.       Buck “Big Daddy” Carson, owner of Buck’s Sugar Shack, had this to say, “With the NBA All Star Game down here this year, we’re expecting the worst.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see 60% to 70% of the girls going out on maternity leave 9 months from now.”      Buck’s estimates are shared by many.  Experts originally thought the number would be closer to 20%, but adjusted their thinking after learning that both Kobe Bryant and Rasheed Wallace would be in Houston...all weekend long.
I Took Your Picture…     Boston, MA – Boston Celtics' Coach Doc Rivers admitted to the media following last nights crushing double overtime loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers, that he is in fact being blackmailed by Celtics Forward Brian Scalabrine.     It is still unclear how Scalabrine is blackmailing Rivers, although a report out of Boston earlier today said pictures of Rivers, in a pink dress holding a picture of Clay Aiken, were quickly circulating on the internet.     Rivers’ revelation ends weeks of speculation by media members and Celtics fans alike.     Season ticket holder Danny Murphy had this to say, “I ain’t surprised by this at all.  I didn’t think Doc was retarded.  I’ve been saying to my brother Sully for the last month that the only reason Doc is still playing this guy is because he’s got nudie pictures of him or something.  Every time he touches the ball…BOOM….turnover…or BOOM…missed three-pointer.  The guy makes me miss Mark Blount.”      As of this hour it is still unclear what blackmail material that Scalabrine has on Celtics GM, Danny Ainge who signed Scalabrine to a 5-year $15 million dollar deal this past offseason.
Hornets' Ownership Demands New Arena From Oklahoma City         Oklahoma City, OK - The honeymoon is apparently over between the Hornets franchise and their adopted home of Oklahoma City. The capital city was selected to host the team's home games for the 2005-06 season when the Hornets were displaced from New Orleans due to Hurricane Katrina.         But after playing just four games at Oklahoma City's Ford Center, Hornets' ownership has begun to grow dissatisfied with their arrangement.        "The Hornets' ownership group feels it can not compete in today's NBA landscape given the current arena situation," said Hornets' P.R. director Colin O'Brien. "A request has been made by team management that a new facility be constructed using Oklahoma tax dollars."        "Team management understands that such a project requires time, but feels strongly it is important that the team play as many games this season in the new arena as is possible."        The Hornets spokesman went on to say that plans to return the team to its home in New Orleans next season are still intact.
Ron Artest Enjoys First Brawl-Free Game Since Last November         Orlando, FL - Indiana Pacers' forward Ron Artest enjoyed a career milestone Wednesday night when he played in his first brawl-less game in nearly a year. Artest registered zero punches along with 16 points, three rebounds and five assists in the Pacers' 90-78 win over the Magic.         The last time Artest made it through an entire basketball game without a violent incident was November 17, 2004, an emotionless 7-point victory over the Atlanta Hawks. The Pacers' next game, against the division rival Pistons, marked the beginning of the streak. That night was made forever infamous when Artest and his teammates stormed the stands in Detroit in what became the worst malee in NBA history.        When asked about the fight that started it all, Artest replied, "I am sick of talking about it really. That guy got what was coming to him. I attacked him because he refused to buy my new rap CD, which you can easily find at any Strawberries Music and Video location throughout the country for just $15.99."
Coach K Knows the Way           DURHAM, N.C. – As reported earlier in the week by the Associated Press, Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski will be selected to coach the USA Men’s Basketball Team in the 2006 World Championships and the 2008 Beijing Olympics.  The official announcement is due later this month.             According to the Chair of the USOC National Governing Bodies’ Council Robert Marbut, the decision is not only final, but was an easy one to make.        “Coach Krzyzewski’s exemplary track record of coaching in big time games as well as his experience coaching pampered millionaire athletes at Duke, made him the obvious choice.  If anyone knows how to manage paid athletes, it’s Coach K.”          Krzyzewski, will be the first college coach to run a U.S. men's basketball team at the Worlds or Olympics since NBA players joined the team in 1992.          The American men will be looking to improve upon their sixth place finish at the 2002 world championships in Indianapolis and bronze medal performance at the 2004 Athens Olympics.
WNBA Star Blames Aunt Flo for Her Poor Playing     Seattle, WA - Seattle Storm guard Sue Bird's woes continued on the hardcourt Thursday with another lackluster performance in a 46-39 defeat to the Connecticut Sun.  The loss marked the third game in a row that Bird has failed to reach her league-leading average of 12 points-per-game.    Following the game the Storm star was quick to redirect fault for her poor showing.    "I have to put the blame for this slump squarely on the shoulders of my Aunt Flo," said Bird. "She has been staying with me for the past week and has been nothing but a pain in my side. She keeps me up at night so that I end up coming to the arena feeling tired and sick."      Bird concluded the press conference by saying, "Lately I've seen a little less of Flo, so hopefully she'll be gone soon."
Shaq Shooting for a Different Kind of Three-Peat Hollywood, CA - Miami Heat star Shaquille O'Neal will reportedly miss the first week of the 2005-06 NBA season in order to finish filming the second installment of his box office hit Kazaam, tentatively titled "Kazaam II – Back in the Lamp".  The 7'1 actor found the role challenging, yet extremely rewarding.  "I lived with a retired genie for two months and studied his every move.  I want this role to be a slam dunk!"   Shaq claims that this sequel will clear up any plot holes left by the first film.  A prequel is already being planned to clear up the plot holes made by this sequel.
Basketball Headlines that you may have missed…
Yao Ming First Player to Thank Buddha for Allowing Him to Play Well			IRA Disarmament Costs Celtics All of Their Offensive Weapons			Larry Brown Doing "Heck of a Job"; Being Considered for High-Ranking Homeland Security Position.			Eddy Curry No Longer Has the Heart for the Game
Mark Blount To Change Number to 420			Swoopes Quits Hoops to Become Panthers' Cheerleader			Dick Vitale Selected To Coach At American School For The Deaf			Yessss! Marv Albert Violates Probabtion By Biting Another Hooker's Head
Shawn Kemp Begins Marathon Shopping Spree For Mothers' Day Gifts			Kobe Bryant Finishes Denver Roadtrip Rape-Free			Pacers Offer Artest to the Eagles for T.O.			Mini-Me to Take Dan Dickau’s Spot As Small White Stiff On Celtics
Campus Report: Duke Guard JJ Redick Carefully Preparing to be Next NBA Bust			Yao Ming to Order American Food on New Year's Eve			Vin Baker Calls LeBron to Wish Him a Happy 21st Birthday			Grant Hill Returns to Injured List After Career-High Ninth Game of Season
Washington Generals Drop 700th Straight to Globetrotters			Isiah Thomas Accused of Screwing Over Someone Other Than Knicks Fans			Kings' Fans Given Complimentary Self-Defense Classes in Light of Artest Trade			Kobe Scores 81 Last Week, Scores Girl Born in '87 This Week
Hawks' Players Excited as NBA Trade Deadline Approaches			New York Knicks Expected to Miss Playoffs By Only 30 Games Following Steve Francis Trade			Judge Orders March to Take Anger Management Classes to Better Control its Madness			Chris Webber Sends Misbehaving Son into "Timeout" for a Seventh Time
UConn's Josh Boone Expected to Be First Pick in Upcoming WNBA Draft			Roy Williams' "I couldn't give a shit about North Carolina right now" Proves True 3 Years Later After Second Round NCAA Defeat			NIT Proudly Crowns S. Carolina "66th Best Team in the Country"			Spike in Same-Sex Marriages in Mass. Strangely Coincides With Women's Final Four Held in Boston
NIT Proudly Crowns S. Carolina "66th Best Team in the Country"			NIT Proudly Crowns S. Carolina "66th Best Team in the Country"			NIT Proudly Crowns S. Carolina "66th Best Team in the Country"			NIT Proudly Crowns S. Carolina "66th Best Team in the Country"
Charles Barkley Found To Be Gambling On More Than Just His Health			Level-3 Sex Offenders Across the Nation Excited Lakers Might Draft Them			ESPN Plans New Show “Kobe On Girls That Don’t Want Him On Them” to Follow “Bonds on Bonds”			Mark Cuban's Bowl Cut Violates NBA Dress Code; Faces $200K Fine
Rasheed Wallace Skips Post Game Meal after Eating Crow During Game 5 Loss to Cavaliers			Brown Out in NY:  Isiah Thomas Says 'Any Idiot Can Win 30 Games In NBA'			Isiah Thomas Predicts Knicks Will Win 15 Games Next Year With Him At the Helm
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The Fourballs' Weekly Ball Bag
	Please feel free to submit any questions you may have about anything, and the crew at Fourballs.com will do its best to give you an answer that is both thoughtful and informative.
	Dear Ball Bag Did you catch the new show ‘Sox Appeal’?  I think that’s how I’m going to meet my next girlfriend! Jimmy Dear Jimmy, We’re pretty sure you wont meet your ‘next’ girlfriend on ‘Sox Appeal’. Chances are it will be your first, or at least the first one you didn’t have to blow up before lovin’ time. Do everyone a favor and crawl back into your parents basement…don’t forget to take your Red Sox Nation Card you paid $39.95 for with you. Ball Bag
	Dear Ball Bag, What do you think of Johan Santana's criticism of Twins' management for not making a deal at the trade deadline? Kirby Dear Kirby, We're not really sure why it took him this long to figure out the Twins' M.O. Maybe there's a language barrier or he's just been living under a rock in the greater Twin Cities area, but when have the Twins ever been in the market for big money players? Captain Obvious' comments just make him look a little whiney now. For his next trick is he going to mention that the Minnesota Highway Authority needs to work on their bridge maintainance? Ball Bag
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