Fourballs' Spring Training Team Reports

AL EAST Baltimore Orioles: Players’ wives disappointed their husbands will no longer have access to Palmeiro’s free samples of Viagra… Peter Angelos looking for additional ways to extort money from Washington Nationals...Orioles' players secretly hoping Kris Benson will cheat on his wife Boston Red Sox: Bronson Arroyo traded, Northeastern freshmen resume sleeping with Northeastern seniors... Doctors hired by George Steinbrenner find a way to create a muscle tendon 'staple remover', rendering Curt Schilling worthless. New York Yankees: Jeter/ARod/Damon love-triangle began when pitchers and catchers reported... Giambi miffed after hearing steroid testing wasn’t last year only... ARod revels in glow of most successful team he’s ever been on, the 2006 US WBC Team Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Jorge Cantu to get batting helmet that actually fits head... Aubrey Huff blames his name as reason he throws like a girl... DRays' heckler finally shuts up when reminded he’s a DRays' fan Toronto Blue Jays: BJ Ryan looking forward to another two-month stint in first place…Blue Jays voted second-favorite baseball team in all of Canada…Team officials hoping newly acquired free agents will attract more television viewers than the waitresses that work behind home-plate

NL EAST Atlanta Braves: John Rocker and Hank Aaron make peace (just making sure you are still paying attention) Florida Marlins: Dontrelle Willis to spend August reminiscing about his “Close Games” during the WBC... Grocery stores stock up on brown paper bags in anticipation of Marlins' 10-game home stand... Marlins sell out of “Playing For Next Decade” T-shirts New York Mets: Willie Randolph wondering how a team from New York with $100-million payroll that wears pinstripes can't make the playoffs... Pedro Martinez calls Braves his "Daddy" after dropping his second-straight Spring Training start to them... Carlos Delgado eager to visit WTC site so he can spit on the memorial there Philadelphia Phillies: Team gives Mike Schmidt a call to "feel him out" after 3B David Bell goes down the back spasms... Phillie Phanatic arrested for DUI after wrapping his ATV around a foul pole... Fans to boo Aaron Rowand for not being Jim Thome Washington Nationals: Soriano breaks own leg to avoid playing left field... GW Bush charged with balk on ceremonial first pitch... New DC ballpark to have special bathroom stall for Mayor Marion Barry

AL CENTRAL Chicago White Sox: Big Hurt's absence leaves big hole…on bench Cleveland Indians: Bob Wickman's incentive bonuses to be paid in IHOP gift cards Detroit Tigers: Fans look forward to Opening Day as it’s a day closer to the NBA Finals... Nook Logan on Boston airport's “No Fly List”... Official song of Detroit: “Lions and Tigers Who Cares, Not I” Kansas City Royals: Team officials puzzled to see only Triple-A teams on their schedule this season…Bud Selig not returning their phone calls… Royals unveil new plans to add over 3,000 more empty seats to Kauffman Stadium Minnesota Twins: Metrodome’s right field “Baggie” continues to lock in freshness…Sexual assault incidents curiously absent from Puckett eulogy… Rondell White signs with Twins in his effort to play for all 30 major league teams during his career

NL CENTRAL Chicago Cubs: Outfielders develop rashes, discover wall actually covered in poison ivy... Mark Prior breaks index finger while tying his shoe... Kerry Wood breaks index finger while tying to velcro his shoes   Cincinnati Reds: Reds looking to acquire a bassist and drummer to go with guitarist Arroyo... To mark anniversary of Marge Schott’s death, Reds bench all blacks and Jews on the team... Pete Rose takes 2:1 odds that Bud Selig will let him back into baseball Houston Astros: Well, Kobe Clemens or not, Roger owns the inside of that plate. So he throws one inside, you know, a little chin music, Kobe falls right on his pants, cause Roger has gotta intimidate, you know, when he's on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back in the same place, so...Roger had to plunk him. Next thing you know a broohaha breaks out...... Milwaukee Brewers: Brewers' surprised to be on Kansas City Royals' schedule... Bernie Brewer checks into rehab to dry out after finding himself literally "swimming in beer"... At 260 lbs., Prince Fielder shows up to camp forty pounds under playing weight   Pittsburgh Pirates: Oliver Perez caught trying on a Yankee hat... Joe Randa happy to be out of the glaring spotlight of San Diego... Pirates content with just being known as "a team with a really nice ballpark" St. Louis Cardinals: Albert Pujols turns 27 for record 8th time... Tony LaRussa promotes his own ego to bench coach... Married Cardinal players ecstatic to play in the “New Busch”

AL WEST Los Angeles Angels: Bartolo Colon signs lucrative endorsement deal with Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream... Angels promise Tony Danza a spot in the outfield when the Tony Danza Show is cancelled... Angels change name again, now Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California of USA of Planet Earth of the Milky Way Galaxy Oakland Athletics: Milton Bradley vows to stop playing games this season…A’s sign Frank Thomas to help keep medical staff sharp... Huston Street discovers a road named after him Seattle Mariners: Ichiro Suzuki to re-sign for 5 million dollar, to give M's anyting it want.  He stay long time Texas Rangers: Rangers lobby Texas government to change state motto to “No-Star State” to better represent their team... Pitcher Adam "Eaton" told not to stand next to pitcher R.A. “Dickey” in the bullpen... Rangers try to lure Clemens by promising him a restful season away from the pennant race

NL WEST Arizona Diamondbacks: Diamondbacks place El Duque on raft headed back to Cuba... Swimming pool in centerfield closed after fifth attempted in-game fan suicide... Team changes name to Cubic-Zirconium Backs Colorado Rockies: John Elway still the best baseball player in Colorado... Offense banking on thin air, however, playing in a vacuum couldn't help this lineup Los Angeles Dodgers: Grady Little completely unaware of existence of team's ridiculously good bullpen... Dodgers' "Think Blue" ad-campaign accurately captures the emotion felt by team's fans... New 1B Garciaparra excited about not having to throw to firstbase anymore San Diego Padres: St. Keith's to keep status quo, not showing off, not falling behind in  second-consecutive division-winning year... San Diego Chicken stricken with the Bird Flu San Francisco Giants: Bonds demands pitchers sign a waiver before intentionally walking him... Steve Finley frontrunner for Comeback Player of the Year after renting condo over BALCO labs... Bonds not afraid of possible Major League Baseball probe as he’s been probing himself for years

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