Beer League Softball 2006
September 19: The playoffs continue and local fans were treated to what many are calling, the “Game of the Week”. Carney’s Pub and Joe’s Smoke Shop locked horns in a decisive Game 5, winner-take-all showdown.  The game was riddled with controversial calls, many were due to the fact that home plate umpire Ken was left to call the game by himself when the other umpire, Frank “Blue” Nabers, called in sick.  The most controversial call of the game occurred in the 6th inning of a 14-14 game when Ken called Joe's star left fielder Steve Bluecollar safe at the plate giving Joe’s a 15-14 lead.   According to fans at the game Ken made the correct call.  However it didn’t stop Carney’s shortstop Creighton Millar from spiking his glove in the middle of the infield and getting in the face of the umpire to protest the call.  Although Millar used countless anatomy-related slurs as he described the call that Ken made, he was not thrown out of the game.  And it turned out to be a blessing in disguise for Cagney’s as a half inning later Millar drove in the tying and what later proved to be the winning runs with a two out double.  The controversy continued after the game as the two teams locked up again, this time in a spirited game of fisticuffs.  This wasn’t an unusual occurrence for the Cagney’s team, which somehow still believes that they will be paid for winning the championship.  However, they will most likely be as disappointed as they were when they received the poorly drawn tattoos that decorate their arms, when they realize that the league they are playing in is only for recreation. Fortunately for all parties involved, no one on the Cagney’s team is able to read, so no repercussions are expected.
September 14: After a month hiatus, the softball update is back, this time with a playoff update.  Here are the results. In Monday night’s first game, Giddeon’s Saloon defeated Tri-State Vending in a close and hard-fought contest.  With the victory, Giddeon’s Saloon ran their current win streak to five games.  The reason for the teams recent success has not been attributed to any additional practice, but instead a drastic improvement in the moral of the clubhouse.  The boost came from the subtraction of clubhouse cancer John Armor who recently moved to Oklahoma.  The winning streak continued on Tuesday as Giddeon’s rolled in the second game of the best of five series 21-6.   The offense was led by often injured slugger Boz Haddock who clubbed a second inning two run home run.  Boz attributed his recent success to a clear cream that he has been rubbing on his injured hamstrings.  However the victory was nearly short lived, after league officials noticed Haddock rubbing the hamstring cream on his biceps.  He was quickly taken into the woods and asked to provide a pee sample as part of the leagues random drug testing.  Fortunately for Haddock and the Giddeon’s team, Haddock did not have to go, claiming he was pee shy. Giddeon’s success is expected to continue throughout the playoffs as they announced on Wednesday that they were going to import a few members from the girls' version of the Giddeon’s team, the Carpet Munchers.  Two members of the Munchers have agreed to joins Giddeon’s previously all-male team after their season came to a conclusion last week, when they won their third consecutive All-Lesbian Softball Title.  The two new entries are expected to bat third and fourth in next Monday’s lineup, as well as provide extra support if Tri-State Vending wants to start a fight.
August 3: On Wednesday, the squad from O'McShealy's Irish Bar fought their way to a well-earned rainout against Smitty's Dry Cleaners.  Having checked the night's forecast of rain, and knowing they had just seven players which would force them to forfeit the game, O'McShealey's delayed the start of the game while they pretended to wait for three more players to show up. The forecasted thunderstorm arrived in the meantime, washed out the game, and saved the Irish Bar the automatic loss. No date for a make up has been announced. In Tuesday's action, with temperatures nearing 100 degrees, the Down Under Sun Tanning Spa wilted to the Cutting Edge Landscaping Crew.  Down Under Sun Tanning had to send four people to the hospital with possible heat stroke caused by the natural sunlight.  Cutting Edge, the only team in the league that does not wear shirts during their games, used their familiarity with being outside, as they cruised to a 19-3 victory.
July 27:  An action packed week where all the games had a bit of controversy.  On to the update! On Monday, Cagney’s Car Detailers continued their slide out of the top spot as they dropped another heartbreaker, 17-14, this time to Phil-Er-Up Gas Station. Cagney’s star player “Mungo” had to be physically restrained from going after the umpire, after he was warned, for the third time this season, that he would be suspended if he ever again tries to bat with a cigarette in his mouth.  Mungo who leads the league in strikeouts and poorly drawn tattoos vows he won’t stop smoking butts. In Tuesday night’s late game Center Street Bank defeated the Federal Car Insurance-Runs in 6 innings (slaughter rule) 17-3. The fast paced game was controversy free until the 6th inning when the umpire called the game a victory for Center Street by “slaughter rule” (Any team winning by 13 or more runs after the 5th inning).  Federal Car Insurance-Runs manager protested the decision, but quickly rescinded his protest when he found out that the slaughter rule applied for any inning after the 5th inning, and not only the 5th inning. Although the Center Street Bank team prevailed, they too were mired in an inter-team controversy when star pitcher Jackson Dean threatened to steal a fellow teammate’s girlfriend.  Jackson was later attacked by said teammate in the parking lot where he was hit in the head with a shovel and stabbed with a screwdriver.  The name of the assailant can not be released at this time, due to the ongoing police investigation.    Finally, in a game with possible playoff implications, Ernie Silverman’s Hyundai Dealership fell to the Asian Pirates 23-2.  The controversy here began before the first pitch was even lobbed over the plate when the eligibility of members of the Asian Pirates was called into question as they fielded a team of eight 14-year-old Asian boys and two 65-year-old white men.  One of the white men is manager Ted Powers.  Powers, who was unable to respond to phone calls questioning his team’s eligibility did respond via AOL Instant Messenger.  The transcript is below: FourBalls:  Don’t you think it’s weird that you have a team full of young Asian boys and then two older white men? AsianBoyLover69:  No.  Not at all, we are all just “friends” FourBalls:  How did you meet them? AsianBoyLover69:  In a chat room, some place called the “Hot Tub”.  All right, enough about this boring topic, lets talk about you, what are you wearing and why do they call you FourBalls!!! FourBalls:  LOL! AsianBoyLover69:  You should come by next game, the post game massages we get from the kids are to die for.  It would be a "happy ending" to your day!
July 20: Another exciting week of beer league softball action, here’s the recap: On Tuesday, the previously undefeated Joe’s Auto Body fought hard in their game against The Wife Thinks I’m Working Late, but fell 13-5.  Joe’s problems began when star shortstop Bill Mahoney announced that he would have to miss the game and baby-sit his 4 year old daughter.  Bill’s wife had a hair appointment she just couldn’t miss.  Wednesday’s action brought a severe injury to third baseman Russell Fugget of Revere Red Birds when he took a ball off the face and suffered a broken nose and two black eyes.  Russell blamed the poorly raked infield on his four errors as well as the swarm of bees that appeared halfway though the 3rd inning. No games were scheduled for Thursday as all teams had a bye week, however league officials continued to investigate the racketeering charges against Mario’s Waste Disposal.  The charge stems from allegations that Mario’s is guilty of threatening star players on Best Buys Big Hitters with harm to themselves or their loved ones, if they performed well in last weeks game.  A decision was reached late Thursday night that there were no findings and this issue would never-ever-ever-ever be spoken of again, because league officials “know what’s good for them”.
July 13: In Monday's action the Fire Fighters' Local 470 blew a 12-run lead in the seventh inning when the left side of their infield was called to a 3-alarm blaze on the other side of town. Their opponents, Leo's Pizza, hit 15 straight singles to left field for the 17-16 win. The crowd of three unimpressed girlfriends cheered when the game finally came to an end.  Word out of the league office is that suspensions could be handed down after member's of Leo's Pizza were heard chanting, "We always deliver!"  Stay tuned. On Wednesday, the team sponsored by the Shamrock Tavern was forced to forfeit one game for using warmup bats that did not meet league qualifications.  League rules clearly dictate that only game regulation bats can be used.  Shamrock Tavern is notorious for swinging an empty keg in the on deck circle.  Further forfeit's could be in the works for Shamrock Tavern for bat throwing as well as failing to keep all of their bats behind the fence. Friday night, under the lights!!!  Silver's Gym, which has been decimated by an outbreak of ring worm, held on for an 11 to 10 victory over team 7-11.  Silver's Gym credited their victory to a new "cream" that they were rubbing all over their arms, before, during and after, the game.  The cream, which is clear in color, has made games much less embarrassing for Silver's Center Fielder Rip Backne, who for years was forced to wear long sleeves to cover the needle marks.  Rip's new found confort level paid dividends as he crushed 3 home runs and popped only four blood vessels in his neck and forehead.
July 6th: On Tuesday, the boys representing McDuffy's Pub had an inspiring 21-19 victory over Sleezy's Real Estate. McDuffys overcame adversity, winning despite missing two key players on their team.  Their left fielder was on vacation in Jellystone National Park with his family while their catcher was forced by family members and co-workers to go to the Betty Ford Clinic after postgame beers from the cooler became a little too much for him to handle. Around the league, Andy Torrant owes the rest of the Harry Liquors squad 120 beers next week for striking out, grounding into a double play, and admitting to his teammates he has a season pass to an art museum, all during Monday's game. Torrant also committed a costly error when the smoke from his cigarette got in his eye, paving the way for a 9-run fifth inning. Local Post 501's rightfielder Butch Wynager reportedly can't understand why he continues to put on weight this season despite his team's rigorous one-game-per-week schedule.  When asked if the seven beers he drinks following each game might having something to do with it Butch replied "Naaaaah."
June 29th: In Wednesday’s action the “HR stands for Home Run” squad took advantage of 17 third-inning errors to defeat the “Accounts Paya-Bull Pen” by a score of 37-19.  Game highlights included Jim’s 13-for-15 performance with 11 homeruns, followed by his announcement that he was screwing Carol from Accounting, and that he was going to attend an open tryout with the Kansas City Royals next week. In other action this week, the “Billing Ballers” defeated the “Buildings and Grounds Rule Double” team in a nail biter 53-52.  The game's MVP went to Debbie who shook off her seven errors by miraculously catching a pop fly to end the game.  Debbie, who borrowed the glove she used to catch the ball from her son, thanked god and the recruiting department for hiring her for two dollars more than minimum wage. Finally, in an epic four-hour-long game, the “Kitchen Staff Infection” team defeated the “Sales Jock Support” team 28-2.  The game was delayed countless times by blackberry phone calls and what was deemed a “major crisis” in the fourth inning when both teams ran out of beer.
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